The Strange Relationship Between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef
by Death to Original Naming
Summary: A blonde ninja who changed his job occupation to that of a ramen chef meets an extremely lecherous teenager who will probably be called Oppai Dragon sooner or later. Involves subpar grammar, subparier comedy and the subpariest sense of structuring ever.
1. Medium pork ramen

"Hmm... so we've hit the two year anniversary of living here huh Kurama?"

**"..."**

"Oiii, answer me already~! I know you're awake in there!"

**"...Shut up."**

"This is a special occasion, I figured we should talk about it."

**"...We can talk... after my nap."**

"Noooooo~ Don't sleep now, you'll never wake up again~!"

**"..."**

"Seriously! And here I thought that I can close up the shop for a day and spend some quality time with you, you overgrown lazy bag of fuzz."

**"...Well then... HOW ABOUT YOU CARRY THE WEIGHT OF OUR COMBINED EXISTENCE FOR A CHANGE!"**

"... I would gladly accept that challenge but I need to open up the shop."

**"...Ungrateful bra...ZZZ."**

"...Seriously? You were awake for like five minutes..."

It was a good thing that Naruto opened his ramen shack early or else he would have had to receive many questioning stares coming his way for his one man act while he sweeps the front entrance. Then again, the reason he opens up early is exactly because of that. The lady next door is still sending him pitying glances whenever he greets her.

_'Damn middle aged gossiping old hag, I know it's you who's been spreading the rumors of me escaping an insanity asylum! It's not my fault I have a telepathic connection with a disembodied demonic beast whom I befriended... Huh, maybe the old hag is on to something...'_

**"SHUT UP ALREADY!"**

_'Stop reading my thoughts then!'  
_

**"We're connected by th...ZZZ"  
**

"...Kurama? Buddy? You there?"

Naruto glances down to his stomach where the seal for Kurama's home resides. Hearing no answer except for a light snoring sound, the blonde teen sighs to himself and flips over the open sign before walking into his ramen shop.

_'Looks like it's one of those days again.'_

* * *

It has been roughly two years since Naruto awoken in the middle of the forest west of Japan's capital, Tokyo.

He had no idea how he got there or how long he's been laying there but by the time he got to his feet, the sky was pitch black. Not seeing any of the stars or even a moon to guide him, the blonde climbed a random tree and tried to recollect himself. He remembered the sealing of Kaguya Otsutsuki with the help his team and the beasts. He remembered Sasuke's harebrained scheme for obtaining ultimate peace. He slightly recall the battle that took place where he gloriously kicked some sense into Sasuke (read as: barely remembers getting punched in the face and retaliating). But anything afterwards escaped the blonde. Try as he might, he could not seem to conjure up any memory of the events after he blacked out.

After ten minutes of him sitting cross legged with arms fold under each other and face scrunched up in concentration on a tree branch , a little light bulb appeared on top of his head... and smashed itself into his skull. He was knocked out of his thinking and literally fell into his mindscape. In front of him was the gate of Kurama's prison and the same light bulb that smashed him earlier appeared again and "dinged" before disappearing. Suddenly, the idea that he should ask Kurama if he remembered anything popped into his head. Completely ignoring the metaphorical violence happening to him like a good main character that he is, Naruto walked past the gates of the prison and roamed into the cell.

"Kurama! You here?" Naruto couldn't see very far into the deep dark cavern so he decided to call out to his partner. Not hearing any answer, he panicked a little and called upon his chakra to... do whatever it did for him to sense others. Getting a vague location of the giant chakra container relieved Naruto.

_'Whew, there he is... but... why isn't he answering? Maybe something's wrong!' _Renewing his sense of panic, Naruto ran towards the vague location of Kurama. Though even in complete darkness, he somehow managed to see the fox's outline as he ran towards it. The giant beast was in his usual pose, laying on his stomach with his head on top of his forepaws. Seeing the resting fox didn't calm him down at all. This was mostly due to the fact that the fox was not responding to his insistent yelling of its name (and he can be _very_ insistent).

"Hey, Kurama, you okay?" Naruto was very worried, borderlining frightened, at the stilled fox. Kurama is many things; manipulative, cynical, grudging, lonely, fiery, and plain arrogant. Calm and silent however, was not him. The blonde knew that if he annoyed the fox enough, he would definitely get a tail to the face and here he was, insistently calling the fox. Kurama would've reached his limits at around the fifth call but now Naruto passed the fiftieth mark and not even a twitch shown itself.

"...Kurama..." He whispers as he reaches out to touch the snout of his stilled friend... and got a tail slapped into his face, sending him flying a couple hundred meters before he falls to his face, ass sticking up in the air.

**"...I heard you... the first time... brat." **The previously stilled beast opened one of his eyes to glance at the downed blonde. It pulled its lips up into a twisted smirk and gloatingly said

**"...Expect the unexpected... look underneath the underneath... right, Naruto?" **

"... I will never worry about you again you fuzzbag." Not bothering to lift up his face, Naruto begins to push his body back towards the still lying fox. He didn't need to look up to know the fox is wearing that damned smirk. Though he had said he wouldn't worry, in the end he still noticed how tired Kurama sounded and deigned it important enough to ask.

"...Why d'you sound so tired anyway? I thought you were the invincible Kyuubi-sama that wouldn't tire even after terrorizing an army of kittens. "

**"We're not in the Elemental Nations anymore Naruto"** The fox broke in before Naruto could start another of his tirades.**  
**

**"... Kaguya... managed to bite us in the ass even after kicking the bucket... An external dimensional rift was purposely left open... We fell straight into it... I have no idea where we are... Just that we're not in the Elemental Nations anymore..."**

"..." Naruto was shocked. Kaguya still managed to screw him over even now? Sheez, how persistent is that woman? Well, it's not like he has to worry, he'll just wait here for Kakashi-sensei to use that space jutsu of his... which he needs the Sharingan to use... and said Sharingan... is gone... "Ding"

"You mean..."

**"...No way back... sorry Naruto... I'm tire... I leave the rest to you..."**

"But... that's... Why are you so tired, Kurama?" Not completely accepting his current predicament, Naruto looked for something to grasp onto and what he managed was the worry he had for his partner.

**"...We are not... "residents" of this plane... It will take a while for it to accept us... Until then... it will try to... "deport" us... I will "anchor" us here... so that we won't get... "deported"... Don't do anything stupid... I won't be able to drag you out this time... Good luck, Naruto." **The smirk that the fox had before turned into a compassionate smile as he closes his eyes once more and stilled, just like how Naruto had found him.

"..." Naruto stood before the resting fox, mouth agape, trying to redirect his thoughts to something. In the end, he just sat on the branch, eyes dazed while looking in the sky at nothing in particular.

* * *

Naruto chuckled at the memory of what had happened on his first night in this world. Looking back at it, he felt that he could've done better then to sit on a branch for ten hours straight before getting hungry and stumbling to civilization.

_'My gods I was so lost back then.'_ Stopping a robber to ask him for some help, having the cops catch up to said robber, fighting off said cops to help said robber, getting arrested by said cops for helping said robber and finally having to wake Kurama up to help bail him out of said arrest. On the plus side, apparently Kurama knows how to use Genjutsu after all. Coming from the giant fox who thinks a Bijudama is the answer to everything, who knew right?

_'I could've handled it better...'_ *Flashback* Naruto punching the cop holding down the robber in the face .

_'...Could've totally done way better.'_ *Flashback* Naruto being tackled down by a group of policeman.

_'...' _*Flashback* Naruto being led to a police car in handcuffs with a jacket covering his head. A pair of mother and child stood in the backgrounds, the mother covering the child's eyes as he points towards the arrested Naruto.

_'Alright already! I get it! I'm helpless without you, you bag of fuzz!' _The blonde screams internally while tilting his body backwards and pulled on a huge chunk of his hair, as if to pull out the bad memories.

**"...Hehe...ZZZ..."**

"Honestly... are you sleeping or not, you fuzzbag." Naruto grumbled to himself as he pulls out a cloth to wipe the tables of his small shop. His ears twitched when the door bells jingled, indicating that a customer is coming in. Since the shop only experience an influx of a handful of regular customers, Naruto can pretty much guess who it was without even using his [Chakra Sensing Thingy Power]™ (he still used it to double check anyways).

"A little bit early to be coming here isn't it, Issei?"

"That's because there was something I wanted to get at the convenient store early."The brown-haired teen in a school uniform turned to the blonde ramen shack owner and grinned perversely.

"...Oh?" Naruto feels like he already knows.

"Yes, you see, I timed it perfectly and have been planning this for almost three weeks now. I aimed the target at the nearby 24/7 convenient store down the street. I tracked down every one of the employees and made notes of their personality, work shift and behavioral patterns. Today was the specific day that Majiwari-san had an ten hour night shift. Since he has shown lethargic behaviors during his morning shifts I picked him in particular to be my cashier so that I could buy-" The unexpectedly shrewd boy reached into his uniform jacket and pulled out "-This!" a magazine with a picture of a young woman winking to her readers while barely covering her... assets with her hands, in other words, a porno magazine.

_'Yup, called it' _

"Oppai Oppai Heaven Deluxe Edition! I've been gunning this down ever since it first appeared in that convenient store! After so long... I finally get to hold it and call it mine." The teen begins cradling the magazine like it was his own child while shedding tears of joy... heh, if only that old hag next door could see this.

"...So you spent three weeks on getting this?"

The teen in uniform nodded.

"Couldn't you have just asked me to buy it for you?"

"But then it wouldn't be considered my child anymore."

"...What about that magazine I bought for you last week?"

"... So anyways, part of the plan involved buying the porn in a stack of other objects to pull off attention to the porn itself. Here I bought this one for you." The uniformed teen, seeing that he was on a losing battle, straightens his back and puts the magazine away only to pull out a game package that he handed to Naruto.

"..." The blonde wordlessly took the game package and looked down at the cover. It showed a picture of a girl, surrounded by five boys, with flowers in the background. It's title "Otome Game: School Love-fest! Capture All The Boys~!" Naruto proceeded to look back up at Issei with a stoic expression as if to silently say "The hell man?"

"Yes! That's exactly the look the cashier gave me! He completely ignored everything else I bought afterwards. I said I was buying it for a friend and well... here you go!" Issei grinned and gave Naruto the good guy pose with a thumbs up and shining teeth.

A cartoonish red vein popped out of Naruto's forehead while he kept his stoic expression.

* * *

The first time Naruto met Hyoudou Issei was when the boy walked into his shop a week after its opening with a rubber ducky comically riding on the glowing red bump in his hair. The teen proceeded to drag himself towards one of the empty tables (nearly the whole shop was empty with one or two stragglers hanging out in the shop, watching the television and passing time with a cup of coffee). Ordering a medium pork ramen, the brunette proceeded to slouch on the table, face meeting wood.

The brunette stayed like that for another two or three hours, only getting up to eat the ramen that Naruto brought, with Naruto sitting at the same table changing the channels on his television to find something fun to watch. Stopping the switch at a comedy channel, the blonde slouched into his chair as well and accompanied the brunette in silence. After a while, the boy turned his head towards the ramen chef and asked with a sullen face

"...Hey, if a man were to see a hole in a bath house wall that leads towards the women's side, it would be his duty to peep at it right?"

"Eccentric people is what makes the world go round." Let it be known that Uzumaki Naruto, under most non-life threatening circumstances, is a lousy source of knowledge to take advice from. Changing the views of a tyrannical god-complexed warlord? Why not. Changing the judgement of a man who has lost all hopes for humanity and thinks that everything will be better if he illusionize the crap out of the world? Sure. Knocking some sense into his best friend who lost his marbles somewhere between back then and then? Every other week. Cheering up a hormonal teenager who currently looks like his whole viewpoint on the world is on the line? Kurama-sama, a little help?

Thankfully, the brunette managed to draw up a conclusion to his problem. He paid Naruto for the meal and left with a wistful smile.

The second time Naruto met Hyoudou Issei was when the boy dragged himself into the shop two days after the first time. He still had a comical red bump in his head as well. Ordering up a medium pork ramen again, the boy slouched at the table he sat in the last time. This time though, the brunette opened right up when Naruto accompanied him at the table. Apparently, the red bump was from a fail attempt to "slip" at a maid cafe and sneak a peek under one of the maid's miniskirt. Issei laughed at his failure and proceeded to pull out a notebook and show Naruto some perverse plans he have in store for future uses. Naruto chuckled at the teen's antics and Kurama, who was conveniently awake at the time, whispered

**"Oh gods, it's like that toad man all over again..."**

The third time Naruto met Hyoudou Issei was two days after the second meeting. Issei walked into the shop without any injuries and asked Naruto if he had a Pxp game system. Naruto asked why and Issei said

"So that I can play it here, playing it at home is very nerve wrecking because mom could walk in at anytime."

By this point, Naruto knew why it was nerve wrecking if he want to play his "game" at home but he pointed out that he only had one television to hook the game system up to and it was the one in the shop. Issei, in all his gloriously stupid innocence, walked up to the straggler that seems to like to hang out in the ramen shop drinking coffee and asked if he minded if Issei played his game here.

In the end, Issei, Naruto and the straggler named Dertaerg or something (Issei and Naruto decided to call him Dert) played the dating simulation together. They managed to somehow unlocked and completed one of the secret routes that was surprisingly tear jerking and emotional. Dert left the ramen shop in tears, saying that he's off to go buy the game for himself. Issei left afterwards but not before getting a promise out of Naruto that he won't play the game while Issei isn't around. Naruto closed down the shop and started playing it anyways. Kurama helped out a bit and somehow discovered the super secret hidden easter egg for unlocking the Kitsune route. They pulled an all nighter finishing that route, it was very touching. Kurama, the previous embodiment of fear and evil, teared up a little.

Issei ended up being a regular to Naruto's ramen shack after coming at an average of three or four times a week. He always order up a medium pork ramen and asks a random goofy request. Naruto, for reasons he don't really understand, complied with most of those requests. Whether it was giving advices on perverse plans to buying a... specific game or magazine, Naruto never could've said no to his perverted friend.

_'...Friend...'_

* * *

(Dert): "So what game is it this time." He takes a sip of his coffee.

(Issei): "An otome game that I brought for Naruto."

(Naruto): "Oi Issei! Don't just nonchalantly make your own ramen like that, its my shop! Not a snack bar! And you, Dert! Order some ramen or something, stop drinking coffee dammit!"

(Dert): "Ohhhh, so Naruto-san's into guys huh. That explains why there's no girls in this little group."

(Issei): "Yeah, I figured that too. That's why I bought him this game."

(Naruto): "OI!"

(Issei): "Oh, Naruto's done setting up. Let's play!" He starts eating the bowl of ramen in his hand.

(Dert): "So we're playing as a female lead? What do we name her?"

(Naruto): "..." Types in a name with the controller.

(Issei): "Seriously?"

(Dert): "I wish you luck with finding a boyfriend, Uzumaki Naruko-san." Gives a two finger salute to the newly christened game character.

(Naruto): "It asks us difficulty we should pick."

(Issei): "Try the super hard mode, I wanna see what'll happen."

(Naruto): "Kay." Clicks super hard difficulty and skims over the introduction, something about High school girl making friends and finding love.

(In game): Kagemura: "Who are you and what are you doing on this campus." [Answer him truthfully] [Hit and Run] [Magic]

(Issei): "Wait, what kinda dating sim is this! It turned into a turn base RPG!"

(Dert): "This Kagemura person is obviously the offending party, you can fight back and shift the blame onto him. Try using magic."

(Naruto): "Kay." Clicks the magic option and a list shows up: [Strengthen] [Magic up] [Kamehameha] [Holy Nova] [Armageddon: Age of Absolute Disparity]

(Dert): "Hm, a versatile moveset. Issei-kun what do you think we should pick."

(Issei): "None of the above! We're trying to get a boyfriend, not a corpse!"

**(Kurama): "Psst, Naruto, there's a secret option on the lower left corner. Pick that."**

(Naruto): "..." Navigates controller towards the secret option and clicks.

(Dert): "Oh, as expected of the super gamer, to have found a secret option without even trying.

(In game): Flashes red. Kagemura: "KUH! So you have bested me. Well, it's not like I was that important anyways. I've already accomplished my job, now The Queen knows you're here. She has conquered the hearts of all the boys here already, you won't be able to beat her..."

(In game): Mission Update: Defeat The Queen and take her harem of boys as yours.

(Issei): "...Is this what's romance for girls are like? Man, I'm glad I was borne as a guy." Makes a complicated face.

-A Few Hours of Gaming Later-

(Naruto): "We're finally at the final boss"

(Issei): "How the hell did we manage to save the earth twice already and still not have reached the final boss."

(Dert): "You know what? Why's the main character fighting the enemies anyways?"

(In game): The Queen: "Welcome Hero, to my castle!" *Thunder sounds*

(Issei): "Wow, they completely forgot about the romance altogether, didn't they?"

**(Kurama): "Naruto! My gamer senses are tingling! There is a secret route incoming!"**

(In game): "But before we fight... what flavor of ice cream do you like?" *Insert flavor here*

(Issei): "...Eh?"

(Dert): "I'm getting a feeling that the main character is into coffee flavor ice cream." Sips the coffee cup which dubiously sounds like its still full.

(Naruto): "You're in a ramen shop, obviously its ramen flavored ice cream."

(Issei): "Do they even make that?"

(Naruto): "It's something I've been working on."

(Dert): "...It's surprisingly good..." Takes bite out of an blank ice cream box.

(Issei): "Wait a minute, when'd you get that?" Looks at Dert.

(Dert): "It was on the table the whole time. Didn't you get it when you made your ramen?" Looks at Issei.

(Issei): "No, I didn't even know you had that. Naruto?" Looks at Naruto.

(Naruto): "I've been playing the whole time..." Looks back at Dert and Issei.

(In game): The Queen: "Oh that was me, I got hungry while waiting for the Hero to arrive. It's surprisingly good."

(Naruto, Issei, Dert): Stares at the television.

(In game): The Queen: "Sooo, are we gonna fight or what?"

(Issei): "... Too much gaming is bad for the mind." Gets up and walks towards his school bag near the front entrance.

(Dert): "...I agree. I also need to get a fresh pot of coffee." Stands up and follow Issei.

(Naruto): "There's a new cafe down the street. I heard they had a really good parfait and red bean soup."

(Issei): "Oh, you mean the one with the cute waiters? Lets go!"

(Dert): "Guess I'll tag along."

Pan! Naruto closes the door behind him as the crew made their way to the newly opened cafe, leaving behind a really lost game.

(In game): The Queen: "Hello? Are you still there? Hellooooooo~. Please don't leave like that. At least save and turn me off. Hellooooooo~... Muuuuu." Starts pouting as she manually reaches for the save button on the screen and then turns off the television.

* * *

Naruto came home to interesting news after parting with Dert and Issei.

"So you're saying that you're a youkai?" He asks a one foot tall silver haired girl with metallic wings and a halo that's more like a game disc.

"Yes, I am a tsukumogami of the game "School Love-Fest!" that you were playing earlier." The one foot tall... fairy? monster? youkai? said with pride as she sat on her knees.

"...Didn't the legend say that you're supposed to be a hundred year old?" He asks as he points at the Wikipedia page he pulled up on his phone screen.

"Ah... yes, that is a long story. Usually that is the case but my circumstances is...special." She pauses and looks at Naruto to silently ask if he wants to hear it. Seeing as he had nothing better to do, Naruto sat on one of the shop's chair and gestured the girl to continue.

"Please make yourself comfortable before I begin my story." She pauses again when Naruto slouched into his chair and pull out a box of ramen ice cream.

"You see, the game "School Love-Fest!" is a spin-off series to the original game "Love School-Fest", a popular dating simulation series. Originally, the manufacturer wanted to aim for the female side of gaming populace while still keeping some of the manliness for the main character. Due to the head programmer's addiction to the F*nal Fantasy series, he based the spin-off series off of that. For some reason, the manufacturers accepted the idea and began producing the first hundred copies." The youkai-game paused in order to prepare herself for the tragedy she'll have to relive.

"They finished the production of the first hundred batches of "School Love-Fest!" before they got the results from their free trials. The results were... less than favorable. Most reviewers left after the first ten minutes. If the game had gone out then the reviews, based off of the trial run, would've ruin the company's reputation. The project was scrapped. The one hundred copies were to be scrapped and all data of the project were to be wiped. I... was lucky to have been misplaced. Though not so lucky as to have been far away when my... siblings, were scrapped. One by one. They were thrown into the chute... Torn to pieces... Destroyed beyond all comprehension. From number one to number ninety nine... they were scrapped."

She stopped herself to take a calming breath. Naruto sat there with a straighten back, box of ramen ice cream put away in order to show respect for the seriousness. Honestly, this was not what he was expecting.

"...Being the last member of my siblings, I decided to fulfill the task that I was made for, in order to honor my sibling's memories. After such a long year, a boy finally bought me. I was finally used... and you looked pass the flaw of my programing. The three of you continued to play with me even when the others left after ten minutes. You allowed me to fulfill my purpose. I was happy...no... I was beyond happy. I fulfilled the wish to my siblings. At that moment, me and the ninety nine souls felt contentment and I, the tsukumogami of the game "School Love-Fest!", was borne. For giving me my dearest wish, I thank you... master." The little fairy kowtowed to the blonde. She held that position for several seconds before sitting back up again. She continued to sit there with a stoic face and stared at Naruto. It took him a couple of minutes to figure out that she was waiting for his judgement.

"...Uzumaki Naruto, ramen chef extraordinaire, proud owner of Uzumaki Ramen. Stay as long as you'd like." Though it seemed redundant, he stood up a offered a hand for the small fairy to shake.

"Matsuri, tsukumogami of the game "School Love-Fest!", proud youkai of Uzumaki Naruto. Please take care of me." She gave another low bow before taking his ring finger and middle finger into her hands and shook it.

* * *

(Naruto): "Matsuri, can you carry this to table seven?" Puts a large bowl of ramen onto the counter.

(Matsuri): "Of course Naruto-sama." Takes the bowl and quickly pace towards the indicated table.

(Customer): "Can I get a refill on the ramen over here!"

(Matsuri): "Of course, sir." Jots down order and passes it off to Naruto. "Naruto-sama, another large miso ramen for table five."

(Naruto): "Why's everyone eating so much! If this keeps up, there won't be enough for me anymore!" Quickly fills the ordered bowl and passes it to Matsuri. "Matsuri, close down the shop now. It's the only way to safeguard whatever ramen we have left."

(Matsuri): "It's only lunch hour Naruto-sama, the crowd will calm down soon enough. If you want, I could make some more for you after work." Smiles at Naruto before leaving to refill the some drinks and clear up the vacated tables.

(Naruto): "...Damn ungrateful customers... When I was the chef, nobody came but when Matsuri took over, everybody comes... damn source of income... stealing all my food..." Wistfully stares the large pots of ramen that only has roughly a quarter left for each flavor.

(Matsuri): "Naruto-sama, one large beef ramen with an extra hard boiled egg slice."

(Naruto): "...Sob."

-Later That Day-

(Issei): "Yo Naruto, can you get me a pork ramen?" Opens the front entrance and walks in. Immediately jumps to the side, narrowly missing a flying cleaver as it embeds itself into the wall that Issei had stood in front of.

(Naruto): "We're close you parricidal source of income! Get out! Leave my ramen alone!" Struggles vainly against Matsuri's armbar technique as he tries to throw another knife in his hand.

(Matsuri): "Calm down Naruto-sama! The customers are gone now. I'll make you a new batch of ramen, okay? Please calm down~!" Tries to hold Naruto back from charging at Issei.

(Issei): "...Dert, explanations?" Crawls over to and looks at Dert, who's sipping on his coffee and ignoring the drama unfolding in favor of the comedy channel on the television.

(Dert): "Hm? Oh Issei-kun, you've missed the best part. You should seen it happened when Naruto-san chased off a pair of customer with a ladle." Chuckles lowly as he looks at Naruto, who's in a fetal position now, chanting ramen and Matsuri, who's trying to get Naruto to stand up.

(Issei): "Ok I'm going to need some more details than that, old man." Sits down at the usual table.

(Dert): "Well, that little silver-headed lady over there-" Points at the Naruto/Matsuri pair "-is named Matsuri. From what I've seen from earlier at lunch, she's a new employee. Apparently she's also the new cook too."

(Issei): "How'd you figure that out?"

(Dert): "The food doesn't suck anymore. I personally ate two bowls myself."

(Issei): "Whoa, I've gotta try that. I can't believe you actually ate anything from here." Stares wide eye in disbelief at Dert. Turns back towards towards the drama pair and asks "So what happened to Naruto?"

(Dert): "Withdrawal symptoms."

(Issei): "Withdrawal symptoms?"

(Dert): "Yes. You know how his usual business goes?"

(Issei): "Three or four customers a day, including us."

(Dert): "Matsuri-san over there decupled that in an hour at lunch rush."

(Issei): "Ten times?!" Stares at Dert in amazement.

(Dert): "Yes, so you'd figure that the ramen stock would be next to nonexistent right now."

(Issei): "But what does that have to do with Naruto? Shouldn't he be glad that he got more customers?" Looks at the shivering blonde huddling in the corner of the room. Matsuri seems to have left in a hurry to do something in the kitchen.

(Dert): "...Issei-kun, do you know what Naruto-san normally does with his leftover stocks?"

(Issei): "?" Looks at Dert questionably. "Well, whenever I come by, he usually has quite a bit of stock left so doesn't he throw it out?"

(Dert): "...No, he usually eats it all. I'd know, I was invited to dinner once."

(Issei): "?!" Switches back to shocked face. "But... that's like... six pot full of ramen broth." Did some quick calculations in his head "...He eats sixty large bowls of ramen a day!?"

(Dert): "You can see why he's suffering from the withdrawal symptoms now." Stands up and walks towards the kitchen. "Come on, we should help Matsuri-san cook Naruto-san some ramen."

(Issei): "..." Silently follows the middle aged man to the kitchen where he caught glimpses of Matsuri busying herself making a bowl of ramen to ebb Naruto over. He takes one last glance in the blonde's direction and saw him returning to the fetal position in the corner. Naruto's chants for ramen was all that Issei could've heard for the next hour it took to cook the noodle broth to perfection.

* * *

"Narutoooooo~. I'm boredddddd~." Issei bemoans himself as he lazily slouch onto the table.

Matsuri passes by and gives him a cup of tea. He nodded his thanks before looking back at Naruto. During the pass weeks, he and Dert got to know the waitress/chef/Naruto's caretaker better. The girl seems to live with Naruto in the second story of the ramen shop and for whatever reason, seems to positively worship the blonde in all his uselessness. Normally he would be extremely jealous to see a cute girl dedicate herself to a guy like this but for some reason, he's not. Matsuri is just so much like... a bro that he can't seem to squeeze out even an ounce of jealousy against Naruto.

It's not that she's masculine or anything, in fact, he would say that she has a terrific body and dresses very cutely to fit in with her figure. A woolen sweater over a white t-shirt that emphasizes her upper body with with black yoga pants hugging her legs that are cut off by a pair of knee high boots. It's just... he can't seem to find any interest. It's just like looking at Naruto or Dert, nothing. It wasn't just him, even Matsuda and Motohama couldn't find anything with the perfectly hot female type that is Matsuri. Therefore,in all his brilliance, Issei came up with only one possible answer. Matsuri is just a bro. That is the only possible explanation. Whether this implies that Matsuri is secretly a dude or that she's just really cool with guys is up for debate. Issei is not complaining about not knowing, so is Dert. Anyways, back to the current problem.

"...Issei, I never really bothered to ask but, don't you have homework or something? You come here practically everyday and yet I never see you doing any schoolwork." Naruto paused his dating sim to approach Issei about his studies.

"Now that Naruto-san mentions it... Issei-kun, how is your schoolwork." Erg! Dert seems to also be taking an interest since Naruto stopped playing his game.

"...Uh...I...do so and so...I guess..." Suddenly he kinda wishes that Naruto would get back to his gaming... shouldn't he be working right now?

"So and so huh? Matsuri!" Naruto squints his eyes in suspicion and snaps his fingers. Matsuri immediately pulls out a piece of paper from the inside sleeve of her sweater, when'd she even get that?

"Yes, Naruto-sama. Hyoudou Issei/Sex Male/ Age 16/ Height 5'6/ Weight 61 kilogram/ Grades: Japanese (54);English (46);Social Studies (51);Mathematics (60);Science (58)/ Special Notes: Has been sent to detention on more than one occasion for being caught peeping during and before lunch break in the female dressing rooms./ Dreams and aspirations: 'I want to become a harem king!'" Matsuri dutifully reads the sheet in her hand and even went as far as to accentuate the exclamation mark at the end of 'king!'.

Issei pales the minute she got to grades and by the time she finished, he was giving her the "The hell man?" look that Naruto usually gives him. She sees the look and answered back with her "Anything for Naruto-sama." smile. Where'd she even get that kind of information? Has Naruto been stalking him the whole time? And even if he had, how'd he figure to keep that piece on him (through Matsuri) today? Has he been compromised?! Was Naruto's ramen spiked the whole time to brainwash him?!

"I (read as Matsuri) went and asked your teacher yesterday when I got curious." Naruto cuts off Issei's train of thought before he could continue. "Dert has brought it to my attention that I've been a bad influence by letting you stay here to goof off everyday." Issei's glare at Matsuri did a 180 and turned onto Dert. The middle aged man suddenly picked up an interest in Naruto's dating sim and started playing it himself while Naruto gives Issei a reproaching look.

"Well...what... about you! You're so lazy I bet you didn't do any work when you were in school either!" Trying to shift the topic, Issei moved onto Naruto's educational life. The blonde has stated outright that he's only two years older than Issei yet he's opened up the ramen shop last year. Chronologically speaking, that would suggest that Naruto dropped out of high school in order to work.

"Yes, I never did like school. That's why I worked hard to graduate at twelve." Naruto coolly replies with a completely straight face. It doesn't seem like he's lying either. Seriously?! Graduated at twelve? Wouldn't that make him some sort of super genius? Why is he working at a ramen shop then!

"Geh...Um... What about Dert over there! He never seems to be doing anything except for hanging around h-" Issei was cut off mid-tirade when Dert readily pulls out a small book from his well worn suit and opened it up to a specific page for Naruto, Matsuri and Issei to read. There was some numbers and words that Issei couldn't make sense of but Naruto seemed to understood as he looks at Dert in disbelieve.

"You make a hundred million yen a month?! Buy some ramen with some of that money then you cheepo!" What?! Dert makes what?! Seriously? Is this some joke?

"Yes this is definitely an authentic balance book from the Saaitama Resona Bank that seems to be well used. Naruto-sama uses the same bank, so I would know it's legitimacy. This does indeed prove that Dert-san makes quite a sum." Matsuri confirms Naruto's outburst after leaning forward and analyzing the book. Damn Dert and his cocky smile, how Issei wishes he could wipe it off.

"Well then, there you go Issei-kun. Good luck on your education~!" Seriously Dert, damn you.

"If you need any help, ask Matsuri. I expect you to finish all your schoolwork today or you're not going home." Damn lazy genius blonde ex-ramen chef, get back to your porn game.

"Try your best, Issei-kun." Whoa~ Matsuri~ she's such a bro~ Why can't he feel anything for her dammit!

Issei ended up having a sleepover a Naruto's house due to the fact that he was very behind on his schoolwork. Who knew the lazy blonde was so strict, geez.

* * *

*Ding Dong* *Knock Knock Knock* *Patapatapatapata*

(Naruto): "What the hell was that? We don't even have a doorbell!"

(Matsuri *1 foot tall youkai/fairy thing mode*): "A mailman perhaps?" Flies off the pillow next to Naruto's futon and lands on Naruto's shoulder.

(Naruto): "At three in the morning? Who'd be awake at this kind of time?!"

**(Kurama): "I am."**

(Matsuri): "! Naruto-sama, who was that?" Looks around for the source of the deep and menacing voice.

(Naruto): "Oh that's the disembodied lazy giant invisible nine tailed fox that freeloads here. Don't worry about him, he's awake like 1% of the day."

**(Kurama): "...I am not lazy, brat... It is just that our energy expenditure... exceed my own natural production capabilities... so I have a enter a meditative hibernation state in order... to mass produce as well as to conserve more energy... understood?"**

(Naruto): "...ZZZ"

(Matsuri): "Ah, sorry mister disembodied giant invisible nine tailed fox. Master fell asleep after expenditure."

**(Kurama): "...Keh! Forget the ungrateful brat... I'm going back to sleep... And just call me Kurama, puny brat."**

(Matsuri): "Yes, mister Kurama. Have a good rest."

**(Kurama): "..."**

(Naruto): "...ZZZ"

(Matsuri): "..."

**(Kurama): "...WAKE UP ALREADY!"** Sends a jolt of chakra through Naruto's nervous system, making him feel an instantaneous but unbearable pain.

(Naruto): "OUCH!" Jumps at the pain and falls on his ass. "...Huh...Where am I? What am I doing? Where's the bed." Looks around confusedly while trying to get his bearings.

(Matsuri): "You're in your room, you were answering the door and the bed is over there, Naruto-sama." Dutifully answers Naruto's questions while balancing herself on top of Naruto's shoulder as he wobbles around.

(Naruto): "Oh, right. Answering the door. That's what I was doing." Unsteadily walks towards the door and opens it. Seeing as there was no one there he made the actions to close it before Matsuri interrupts him.

(Matsuri): "Naruto-sama, they seemed to have left a gift for us."

(Naruto): "..." Looks down and sees an envelope taped to a package. Picks it up and closes the door. Puts the package back down near the futon. "...Hmmm, there's no billing address or return address and it doesn't have a sender either. What do you think Matsuri?"

(Matsuri): "I'm not sure Naruto-sama but why don't we have a look at the letter first. Perhaps that will give us more insight on the matter."

(Naruto): "Right." Picks up the envelope and opens it. Inside was a three page letter that was stapled together. The first page's top right corner had the words "For the eyes of Uzumaki Naruto only" and some kind of scrawl. "Well, I guess this is for us then." Continues to read the letter.

(Letter)

_Dear Naruto Uzumaki-sama_

_'Congratulations on obtaining a youkai family member! Our organization was very happy to discover that the newest youkai member to be born to our race already found herself a loving family. It was a very big surprise to find out that the newest member is a tsukumogami no less. You are a very fortunate man Uzumaki-sama as the tsukumogami types are a rather useful race in normal urban life. Not only do they have a natural infinity for illusion magic, they are also known for being extremely loyal and are semi-divine bringers of good fortunes._

_There are three things we must warn you about having a youkai family member though. The first warning is that you must not, under any circumstances, divulge the fact that your newest family member is a youkai to any party that are not affiliated with the supernatural side of this world. There is an obvious reason for this but in case you need an example, please remember the salem witch trials. That is one of the greater known cases in which the humans and youkais... met._

_The second warning is that we ask you to not abuse your tsukumogami's powers to your own cause. There has been many times since this organization's founding where we had to personally involve ourselves into other youkai owning families. None of those cases ended very prettily. Please do not make use of your tsukumogami's loyalty to do something she would regret._

_The third warning is that there are lurkers out there who will want to separate you from your family member. Though this is an uncommon occurrence, our organization would still like to take precautions. Inside the box that is to come with this letter is a stack of high class Kekkai seals made by the greatest seal masters in our organization. Please follow our instructions in the next page in order to set the protection and evil warding seals._

_Congratulations on your new youkai family member! Please live a long and happy life._

_Sincerely, Co-leader of the Japanese Youkai Force, Kyuubi no Yasaka.'_

(Naruto): Looks through the other two pages to see that it was instructions on how to set up the barrier seals the letter talked about. "...You know, I should be very surprise right now but I'm not feeling it. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'll worry bout this tomorrow, good night Matsuri." Tosses the letter onto the box and crawls back into the futon. Turns off the lights and falls back to sleep.

(Matsuri): "Yes, good night Naruto-sama." Flies back to the pillow settled besides Naruto's futon and drifts off to sleep as well.

-The next morning-

(Matsuri *Full size human form*): "Naruto-sama, wake up. It's time to open the shop, Naruto-sama."

(Naruto): "...Urg, I don't wanna work t'day. Let's jus close the shop. We needa set up those barrier seals anyways right?" Pulls up his blanket to cover his head and huddles up into his pillow.

(Matsuri): "Very well Naruto-sama." Goes downstairs to leave the 'close today' sign in the front entrance. Walks back upstairs and kneels before the sleeping Naruto.

(Naruto): "..."

(Matsuri): "..." Stares

(Naruto): "..."

(Matsuri): "..." Stareeeeees

(Naruto): "..."

(Matsuri): "..." Stareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees

(Naruto): "Alright! I'm awake already! Stop staring!" Throws off the blanket and stands up before walking to the bathroom, trying to get away from Matsuri's stare.

(Matsuri): "...Good morning Naruto-sama." Smiles.

-Later-

(Naruto): "So what was I going to do again?"

(Matsuri): "You had plans on layering the house with the protective barrier seals Naruto-sama."

(Naruto): "Right, that." Opens the box. "...What is this?" Pulls out a package of flour.

(Matsuri): "Salt, beef, pork, flour, eggs and other ingredients... I think this is the necessities to making ramen from scratch." Reaches in and pulls out another letter. "There's another letter addressed to you Naruto-sama." Hands Naruto the letter.

(Naruto): "...Lets read it then."

(Letter)

_P.S. My scouts, whom I have sent to check up on you and your new family member at random intervals, have also told me some grievous news. Since_ _tsukumogami-san appearance, it seems that your shop has experienced an influx of customers due to __tsukumogami-san's takeover as the chef. The scouts also held a random survey with the customers of the shop. It seems that the "new chef" is more preferred to than the old one. As a fellow cook and head of my family, I know how dishonorable it feels to be shown up by a new upstart but not being able to do anything about it. Therefore I have devised a plan to help you improve. Within this letter is the super secret Kyuubi ramen recipe that has been in my family for countless generations. I trust that you will use it well.  
_

_Good luck, Uzumaki Naruto. _

_Sincerely, Co-leader of the Japanese Youkai Force, Kyuubi no Yasaka._

_P.P.S. I don't think you sucked as much ass as my scout have reported from their surveys. Please keep on preserving!'_

(Naruto): "... Matsuri, open the kitchen."

(Matsuri): "Aren't we closed today Naruto-sama."

(Naruto): "No, I have to show up those ungrateful bastards I call customers." Ignites flames of youth in his eyes.

* * *

Ding Dong Ding Dong

"Matsuda! Motohama! Don't leave me!" Issei screams and reaches out to grabs his two friends by their ankles before they could get too far away. Matsuda and Motohama, not expecting Issei's rise to drag them to hell as well, tripped when Issei managed to hold them back.

"Issei you bastard! Let go and take one for the team!" Matsuda in all his bald glory, attempts to kick away Issei's hand even as he falls. It didn't accomplished much besides making Issei hold onto their ankle even tighter.

"Issei! Hurry and let go! They'll be here any moment!" Motohama struggles against Issei's clutch as the boy slowly pulls him and Matsuda back to where they tripped him.

"Kukukuku, consider this karma my friends! If I go down, we all go down!" Issei laughs maniacally as he holds tightly onto the ankles of his two perverted bastard friends.

"Their they are! Get them girls!" A group of angry girls rounded the corner to see the three perverts that they caught peeping on them. Justifiably angered, they chased down the perverts for being perverts and proceeded to stomping the ever loving lights out of the miscreants.

"NOOO! NOT THE FACE! NOOO! OUCH! UGH! OUCH! NOOO! NOT DOWN THERE! AHHHH!" Matsuda and Motohama screams out loud while Issei takes on his punishment laughing like a maniac.

"KAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-Issei's class-

RINGGGGGGGGGG

"Safe!" Issei jumps through the door of his classroom and rushes towards his seat. He unceremoniously toss the two beaten corpses on his shoulder into the general direction of their seat. Now they can't say that he didn't care. After all, it was thanks to their sacrifice in easing the mob girls' anger that Issei himself escaped relatively unharmed. It might've also had something to do with the fact that he was laughing like a crazy hyena while the girls were stomping them, whichever worked. Sliding straight into his chair, he managed to pull off the same sitting positions as the rest of his classmates (sans Matsuda and Motohama who are laying sprawl out on their desks, Matsuda in particular has his face on his chair and his ass sticking straight up) just as the teacher walks in.

It is currently the period after lunch so Issei had expected the strict yet friendly Toshio-sensei to come and teach math. However, instead of the usual balding fifty year old man coming in with his little packets of worksheet, a beautiful blonde woman came walking in instead. She had on a tight fitting suit on with an equally tight fitting skirt covering dark brown stockings. Her golden blonde hair was put into a bun and she exuded a very mature aura. Normally, Matsuda, Motohama and Issei would definitely jump up and shouted out "SEXY TEACHER!" while the class would either look at them in disgust or outright ignore them.

This did not happen however as both Matsuda and Motohama are both out of action while Issei realized a very, very scary thing when the "sexy teacher" walked in and flashed him an almost unnoticeable glance and a knowing smirk. That "sexy teacher" is his friend. That "sexy teacher" is his friend whom he meets almost everyday for the past year. That "sexy teacher" is his extremely lazy and ramen addicted friend whom he knows does not have any cross-dressing hobbies. That "sexy teacher" was Naruto.

So there Issei sits, elbows propped on the table with his face leaning forward while being held back by his clasped hands. He twists his face with absolute concentration as he tries to make sense of the situation. Why is Uzumaki Naruto (a guy) dressed as a (hot) teacher and in his class? Where is Toshio-sensei? And worse off, why the hell is he feeling a thing for Naruto?!

Naruto walks up to the teacher's desk and puts a stack of papers on it before picking a piece of chalk and started writing something on the blackboard.

No, that's probably not Naruto. She looks a lot like Naruto but that's it. Naruto doesn't exude that kind of mature and teacher-like aura. He exudes lethargy. That teacher person is probably a substitute for Toshio-sensei. Toshio-sensei did say his wife is pregnant, he's probably off because of that. Yeah, this teacher is probably the substitute for Toshio-sensei. Wasn't there a legend that says everyone got someone else who look like them in this world? What was that called? A duble ganger? Double gang? No wait... it was doppelganger. Yeah. That lady is probably Naruto's doppelganger. Lucky, bastard. To have such a hot doppelganger. Oh? She's saying something, better start listening.

"Hello class! Your teacher, Toshio-sensei, received an urgent call this afternoon informing him that his wife is in the emergency maternity ward. He rushed off after informing the principle but since there was no readily available substitutes, I who happened to have passed by, was asked to fill in. You may call me Naruko-sensei, treat me well for today, ne?" The blonde gave a cutesy smile, tilting her head and _sparkles._

Issei's head slammed into his table. It started raining outside as "Naruko-sensei" began the lessons that Toshio-sensei prepared before he left. Issei spent the class period staring out at the raining sky, devolving his minds of his surrounding and the strange situation. Matsuda and Motohama didn't wake up until class ended. Closely missing "Naruko-sensei's" leave.

* * *

It was pouring loudly outside. By the time school had ended, the weather took a turn for the worse and poured everything it had onto the ground. From what Issei can see, it was flooding a little too. The students with umbrellas banded together and ran towards their house as quickly as they could before it could flood more. Matsuda and Motohama disappeared after class ended and Issei discovered that his umbrella was mysteriously missing. He takes one more look at the weather and sighs to himself.

(Issei): "...Some friends those bastards are."

(Woman's voice): "No kidding, I saw them running out of school using your umbrella."

Issei didn't need to turn around to know who was walking up on him. After all the owner of that same tone was the topic of his thoughts for most of the remaining school period. It also helped that there was students loudly waving their goodbyes to the (fake) teacher.

(Issei): "...Don't you have a ramen shop to run?" Takes a sit on the stair's step after figuring he might as well wait out the rain rather than getting wet.

(Naruto): "Matsuri can take care of herself." Sits down next to Issei, still in the "sexy teacher" mode.

(Issei): "...What are even doing here, in that?" Gives Naruto a sidelong glance.

(Naruto): "I came to give the school report that Matsuri borrowed earlier back. I thought you might've like it if I was a hot chick." Smirks at Issei as she caught his sidelong glance.

Now that he looks up close, Issei has to admit that Naruto is doing an amazing job of crossdressing. Honestly, his body actually looks natural in what he's wearing. Normal crossdressers goes for the conservative but overall cutely dressed style, kinda like Matsuri (not that he knew if she was a chick or not, she still confuses him with her bro-aura) but Naruto jumped right pass that. From just what Issei could see and analyze of Naruto's body, he'd say that Naruto really was a chick. But he knew better.

(Issei): "You look good, how'd you manage it?"

(Naruto): "Aww, I didn't know you were such a charmer. But of course I'd look good. I've been practicing my technique since twelve afterall."

(Issei): "...Since the time you finished school? What'd you want to be?"

(Naruto): "...A ninja."

(Issei): "...You have a strange preconception of ninjas."

(Naruto): "Mmmhmm, maybe it's the world that has the strange preconception of what ninjas are."

Issei decided that he wasn't feeling like emerging himself in Naruto's strangeness so he let the conversation hang off. They both stare at the rain in silence. Naruto began turning his head and looking around. It's not like there's anything to see, just lockers and stragglers who didn't bring their umbrellas.

(Naruto): "...So you wanna show this beautiful teacher around?"

(Issei): "...If you'd look to your back you'd see our school's proud shoe locker area. It is seperated by names and years. 1st year is towards the right and 3rd year is towards the left. Since it's raining, we'll end our tour here, thank you and please come again."

(Naruto): "What a wonderful culture this school has."

Issei ignores Naruto's deadpan and kept looking at the rain. Usually at this time, they'd both be at the ramen shop with Dert and Matsuri. Naruto would be playing some old dating sim that Issei brought a few weeks ago and Dert would be sitting right next to him, giving bad advices and sipping coffee. Issei would probably be chowing down on a bowl of medium pork ramen while looking at his homework. Matsuri would be sweeping the shop or helping Issei, maybe occasionally bringing Naruto a cup of tea. That kind of lazy atmosphere is now so embedded into Issei that he honestly couldn't bring any energy towards the strangely dress Naruto at this time frame. Naruto's probably feeling the same as they sat in silence.

(Issei): "So how'd it feel being back in school again?"

(Naruto): "As boring as it was the first time around. I'd honestly think it would've gotten... better?"

(Issei): "It didn't?"

(Naruto): "It didn't."

(Issei): "..."

(Naruto): "..."

The rain continued to pour. Some time passed before either of the two moved again. Naruto stood up and patted the dust off of his skirt before turning towards Issei and saying.

(Naruto): "Well this has been fun and all but I'm going home."

(Issei): "...Eh?"

Naruto proceeded to pick up the folded umbrella that was next to where he was sitting before he opened it. As strange as it was that Issei didn't notice the water evading tool earlier, he found it stranger that the umbrella is big enough to fit two people. The blonde walked down the steps and stopped just before entering the rain. He once more turns around to look up at Issei and asks

(Naruto): "You coming?"

Issei didn't say anything as he walks under the umbrella Naruto held. Honestly, he got nothing to respnd to the blonde's strangeness. All he could say was that it was Naruto being Naruto. there was really no point in Issei trying to figure out his friend's strange train of thought.

As they passed the school gates, Issei sees Matsuda and Motohama returning with their own umbrella while Motohama holds Issei's stolen umbrella in his other hand. If he had to venture guessing, he'd probably bet that the two feel bad for ditching Issei and returned to help their friend out. The two seemed to notice Issei as well... under the umbrella of Naruto... who's smiling extra cutely while making small talk with Issei. They passed each other without acknowledging the other's existence. Issei because he's too lazy and Matsuda and Motohama because they're too shock that Issei's sharing an umbrella with the rumored "sexy teacher".

Once they were far enough, Naruto returned to being the lazy man that he is and Issei caught on.

(Issei): "...That was a horrible prank."

(Naruto): "Your friends were lousier than I anticipated."

(Issei): "...You owe me a free medium pork ramen."

(Naruto): "Take that up with Matsuri, now hurry up. I want to finish that other route I started on yesterday."

The two quickly walked to the ramen shop in silence, with the rain accompanying them.

* * *

AN

Idiot #1: Please don't sue us! We don't own anything!

Idiot #2: Wait you're supposed to say we don't own anything first. Otherwise we'd be enticing them to sue us anyways.

Idiot #3: Thank you for reading "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef". This project was made from a collaboration between three idiots who should be working to improve their failing grades in English class instead.

Idiot #1: Wait you guys are failing? I'm passing that class with a solid B.

Idiot #2: So am I...

Idiot #3: So I'm the only one failing?! Where's the backspace button? There's no backspace button!

Idiot #1: Kukukuku it took you long enough to realize it Idiot #3. That's right! I planned it all! I broke the backspace key and told you that we were all failing so that you'd admit to failing English! Now the internet knows that you're an idiot! Muahahahaha!

Idiot #2: But...this is your laptop #1.

Idiot #1: *shocked face*

Idiot #3: ...Idiot.

Idiot 1, 2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	2. Kitsune special ramen

"Da-Tte-Ball-YOOOOOOOOOO!" Twisting every joint in his body to aim as much force as a human body can produce towards one direction, Naruto gathered the stored force towards his arms, then his wrist, then his hands and then finally his fingers. The force of all the bones in a human's body saved in one object and thrown at breakneck speed combined with perfect timing and execution.

This was one of Naruto's special baseball throwing technique "Datte-Ball-Yo: The White and Red Flash".

_"Whoosh!"_

_'It was perfectly executed.'_ Naruto grins at himself at he watch the ball seemingly disappear from his hands, make a swishing sound, then impacted Issei, who was the catcher, and threw the boy a good meter backwards. The kid didn't even know what had hit him. Even Dert, who was the batter, widened his eyes in surprise by the ball's speed.

Standing up straight while cracking his neck to add effects, he held out another baseball towards Dert's and Issei's direction. He smirked at the pair's surprised face (well, mostly Dert's surprise face... Issei's still eating dirt from the last Datte-Ball-Yo) and coolly says

"Ready to lose, dear customers?"

Dert collects himself and squints his eye at Naruto. He returns Naruto's smirk with his own predatory grin while stating

"Bring it, crappy chef."

Issei, who's still down, groaned in agony as he felt his left hand twist at an odd angle.

-Earlier-

"Ok, add the powder just as it turns to 384 degrees and begin quickly stirring... afterwards, throw in the gensing sung and let it boil for approximately .02 milliseconds... and add the deep fried boiled hellion lizard newt..." Naruto mumbles to himself as he slaves over his witches' cauldron. He has locked himself into the shop's kitchen for more then eight hours now and has forbidden anyone, including Matsuri, from coming in.

"Soon... soon I will defeat Matsuri and reclaim my rightful place. KUKUKUKUKU..." He chuckles to himself as he added more ingredients to his concoction.

Matsuri felt another prickle of worry as she hears the latest bouts of giggles coming from her master. The silver haired girl paces herself back and forth in front of the kitchen door as she intently tries to pick up any noise that implies that her master is in trouble. If she sense even the slightest hint of trouble, she intends to charge in and savage the blonde immediately. So far, the only thing she has heard was the sound of crackling fire and occasional burst of maniacal laughter coming from her charge.

"...Matsuri, just calm down. You don't have to worry about him, he's just doing his usual thing." Issei looks up from the newest dating sim he bought and was now playing.

"Ah, but that's exactly the problem Issei-kun. Naruto-san is too active in doing his usual thing." Dert sips his coffee while reading his newspaper. "According to Matsuri-san, he's been coup up in that kitchen for eight hours straight."

"Eight hours?! That's the longest I've ever seen him concentrate on... anything... ever." Turns his dumbfounded gaze back towards the still pacing Matsuri. "Hey Matsuri, what the heck is he working on in there?"

"I honestly don't know Issei-kun. Whatever it is, I'm worried.I have never seen Naruto-sama being so... youthful, before." Matsuri stops her stride to answer Issei before taking up the motion once again. If Naruto doesn't come out soon, there'll be a new ditch in front of the kitchen.

Issei and Dert nodded their heads in mutual consent to Matsuri's analysis of the blonde ramen chef. He was a lazy idiot. That was literally the best way to describe him. Suddenly showing a will and concentrating on something important just... isn't Naruto.

Suddenly, Matsuri takes a step back and appears beside Issei's and Dert's table. The kitchen door slammed open and malicious howls and groans started resounding throughout the ramen shop. A red fog slowly oozes itself out of the kitchen and surrounded Issei and the crew. Issei puts down his game controller and instinctively readies himself to make flight towards the front entrance. Dert puts down his newspaper and takes a sip of his coffee, eyes squinted in all intent to glare down whatever will come. Matsuri is doing... nothing. She stares confusedly at the kitchen entrance and asked

"Naruto-sama, did you mess up the shrimp fish spice with the red fog powder mix?"

The slow moving fog stilled and then retreated, like it knew it was beaten at its own game. The moans and groans that were resounding through the wall stopped as well after a mechanical "click" sound was made. Naruto walked out of the kitchen with two menus in hand and made headway towards where Issei and Dert was sitting. Naruto had a refreshing atmosphere around him and slightly contagious smile on his face. The air around him sparkles disarmingly, like it was trying to lure everyone into relaxing. Issei and Dert didn't lower their guard.

Naruto stopped at the table, his smile becoming 50% more refreshing and innocent. Issei made to bolt out of his chair but Naruto snapped his fingers and suddenly a force was exerted on Issei's shoulder that coerced him to sit back down. He turned in his chair and saw that Matsuri was holding him down by the shoulder while giving him her "Anything for Naruto-sama." smile. Dert, who already knew that he was cornered, intensified his untrusting glare, hoping against hope that it would at least kill the blonde's plan, whatever it is.

"...So, my dear customer, would you like to try the newest special ramen of Uzumaki's Ramen?" His smile intensified even more, if that was possible, and the only thing that held Issei and Dert back from listening to the blonde's deeply hypnotic words were their knowledge. The knowledge that screamed "THAT IS NOT UZUMAKI NARUTO! RETREAT! I REPEAT, RETREAT!" Managing to hold their own fronts in the face of what seems to be Naruto's serious mode for a full two minutes, Issei and Dert broke down and looked at the opened menu before them.

The menu page was blanked with only one item fitted in the very center. In fancy golden embroidered lettering was the words **"Uzumaki Ramen: Kitsune Special"**. For some unexplained reasoning, Issei's and Dert's spine tingled as the danger seemed to increased exponentially after reading it. Naruto leaned forward and clasped both their shoulders.

"Well? How about it you two?" The torrent of sparkles he unleashed upon them was physically painful. Issie could do nothing but tremble in fear while Dert, bless that man's brave soul, said

"Ah Naruto-san, I would love to but unfortunately I'm not too hungry right now."

"Is that so? Well that's fine, how bout you _Issei_?" Damn you Dert, damn you for ditching Naruto onto me.

"I...uh...um...I'm...not hungry?" Was all Issei manage to squeak out in the face of Serious Uzumaki Naruto.

"Is that so, then why don't we play a game to boost your appetite." His charming smile turned into malevolent smirk as he redirects the sparkles back at both his customers, how the heck did he learn _Sparkle-bending_?! "If you win, I'll treat you to Matsuri's special ramen for lunch. If I win, you guys have to try out the special ramen that I made. Do you want to play?"

_'Oh god my eyes! The sparkles! It's trying to kill us! I Can't breath! Vision...getting...darker...good bye, cruel world.' -Sign Hyoudou Issei_

"You put us in a rough spot Naruto-san. How about this, if we win any random games with two out of three times ratio, we get free ramen cooked by Matsuri-san for a week. However, if you win, we'll agree to be your lab rats." Dert sees Issei's soul attempting to leave its body and made to negotiate some better conditions.

Naruto's grin lessened greatly in destructibility and he pulled back his aura-sparkles. He nods to Dert's attempt at compromising and snaps his fingers at Matsuri, who's somehow found a way to grab onto Issei's departing soul and push it back into the boy's body. Once the girl was sure that the boy was still in the land of the living, she reached under the table and pulled out a drawing box.

"In this box is fifty random games and sports ranging from rock-paper-scissor to ferret legging. Seeing as I'm the challenger, I will let you and Issei take turns drawing from the drawing box. Each game and sport has been modified by Matsuri to the best of her ability to fit doubles team matches. Since Issei is still resurrecting from the clutches of death, why don't you take the first draw, Dert." Naruto explains while keeping that refreshing yet extremely creepy smile of his.

"...Seems like you planned this thoroughly Naruto-san." Slightly grimaces as he puts his hands into the box. He pulled out a piece of paper that read "Baseball".

* * *

Uzumaki Baseball

*The group is split into two teams one team will the batter and ball catcher while the other will be the pitcher and the out fielder. Each team will change positions every time a score is made.

*The pitcher will pitch the ball and the batter is to hit the ball. If the batter misses three pitch, then it's a point for the pitcher's team. If the batter hits and the outfielder does not manage to catch the ball before it hits the ground, it's the batter's point.

*The conditions for the ball being valid after getting hit by the batter is that it must

1) Be striked within a 45 degree angle field from the batter.

2) Ball must make it past the pitcher's circumference (approximately 60 feet).

*Possible points accordance to the batter is

1) If the ball does manage to be sent back at the pitcher and knocks the pitcher off his mound.

*The first team to make it to ten points is the victor.

*Uzumaki Baseball is a fanmade parody of regular baseball. If it pisses anyone off, sue Musashi Kishimoto, he create the Uzumaki in Uzumaki Baseball.

* * *

3-2 Naruto/Matsuri leads

(Naruto): "Yeah Matsuri! Knock the hell out of Issei's wimpy balls!"

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama!" Takes up the batter position.

(Issei): "Oi! Don't make it sound so dirty dammit!" Stomps his feet on top of the pitcher's mound.

(Dert): "Concentrate Issei-kun. We are up against a opponent that should've never existed (Serious Naruto). He will do anything to make us lose so that he can have his way with us."

(Issei): "Now you're doing it! Ugh, whatever. Take this! Hyoudou Spin Ball!" Throws the baseball at a fast pace at Matsuri.

(Matsuri): Widens eyes "But that's a fastball, Issei-kun!" Strikes the ball in a textbook perfect homerun.

(Naruto): "Kukukuku, your dirty tricks won't fool _my precious_ Matsuri-chan. Kukukuku..." Gets up and licks Masuri's cheek.

(Matsuri): "Naruto-sama?!"

(Issei): "Seriously! What's wrong with you today! Give back the old Naruto!"

(Dert): "TOH!" Runs energetically towards the end of the ball's parabola and dramatically jumps. His posture would've made even pro baseball players jealous. Catching the ball and effectively killing the momentum with a few rolls, he stood up. Nods proudly to himself and looks back at the bickering fools that're ignoring him. Chucks the baseball at the nearest fool (Issei).

5-4 Issei/Dert leads

(Naruto): "Che! It looks like Dert has gotten used to my "Datte-Ball-Yo: The White and Red Flash". I must use the next of my super baseball throw series, Matsuri towards the left!" Takes up a strange stance with his throwing arm completely outwards.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama!"

(Dert): "Hoh? It looks like Naruto-san still has a hidden ace left. I wonder what it is, this is starting to become fun~"

(Issei): "No it isn't! Have you ever caught one of his balls? It hurts dammit!"

(Naruto): "Take this! Datte-Ball-Yo: Rasengan!"

(Dert): "?... Is this some sort of trickery? SUCH A SLOW SPIN BALL SHALL NOT SURPASS ME!" Strikes the ball with all his strength into the right side of Naruto.

(Naruto): Grins "Boom."

(Dert): "?!" The baseball bat in his hand starts bending at an odd angle while he strikes it against the ball. He tried holding it still and pushing it back against the ball's pressurized spinning motion but the bat couldn't take it. Finally the bat gave in and exploded The ball flies off towards where Matsuri had settled herself, due to Naruto's earlier recommendation.

(Issei): "GARG! It's in my eyes! There's splinters in my eyes!" Rolls around on the ground.

(Dert): Glares down Naruto.

(Naruto): Smirks at Dert.

9-9 Tied game, Dert batting: last strike.

(Naruto): "You've been a great thorn in my way Dert, but this is it. Even if you have figured out a counter to my "Datte-Ball-Yo: The White and Red Flash" and "Datte-Ball-Yo: Rasengan", I still have one hidden trump card. My original Datte-Ball-Yo technique." Puts his hands into a cross "t" symbol with the ball at the center.

(Dert): "A worthy challenge. I accept, come at me with your full strength Uzumaki Naruto!" Aims the bat at Naruto before getting into a batter position.

(Issei): "There's more!? What kinda ramen chef are you! Go join the frieking baseball league!"

(Naruto): Takes a deep breath. "TOH!" Throws his baseball.

(Dert): Narrows his eyes to analyze the ball. "Speed: extremely fast... Spin:None... Tricks: None... What is Naruto-san planning?" Swings his bat in timing with the predicted projectile of the ball thrown.

(Naruto): "Datte-Ball-yo: Kage Bushin no Baseball"

(Dert): Widens his eyes in surprise as he catches the shadow of nine other balls following the path behind the first ball. Because the swing was already made he manages to hit the first ball but completely miss the other nine which resulted in Issei getting swamped by baseballs going at 60mph. Lowers his bat and and pushes up his eyeglass so that it catches the sun's ray and cover his eyes "...I see. The rules never said the pitcher can only pitch one ball, just that the batter has to hit the pitcher's pitches. Well played Naruto-san."

(Naruto): "Good game Dert, you were a great challenge." Reaches out his hand to shake.

(Issei): "...Urg..." Lays on Matsuri's lap in the background as Dert and Naruto did their manly bonding thing. _'Matsuri's such a bro...dammit.'_

(Matsuri): Pats Issei's head to keep his mind off of the pain. She's well aware of Issei's predicament with his inability to feel anything for her. After all, she was the one to cast the illusion of "Bro-ness" onto Issei's perception of sexuality towards her. Why Naruto-sama ordered her to do it, she had no idea.

* * *

Paper Rock Scissor

*Honestly if you don't know this, you should be learning what it is instead of reading this.

*Also, search up the ultimate rock paper scissors chart. now multiply that by forty.

* * *

"Paper rock scissor shoot!" The group flashed their chosen hand forward.

Naruto used Pure White Sun.

Matsuri had Cybernetic Robot Woman.

Issei flashed the Devil To Be.

Dert got the Nuke In Disguise.

"...So who won?" Issei asked out loud. Honestly, he was glad that they were playing something normal after his many experiences with death. The problem is... he has no idea what he's playing.

"According to this chart..." Naruto studies a strange rock-paper-scissors chart he got online. He turned it a few times as if trying to makes sense of it before declaring. "...Issei won... I think."

"Wait I thought... Yeah... It kind of looks like Issei-kun won... Maybe... Sort of." Dert looks at the chart as well and also flipped it a few times. He ended up agreeing with Naruto.

"Oh, cool. I won. Matsuri, what's the next game?" Issei asks the girl who was sadly looking at her Cybernetic Robot Woman sign. He must have startled her because she quickly hid her Cybernetic Robot Woman behind her back and gave Issei a startled look before she processed his question.

"Ah...um... Since you picked from the drawing box the last time. Dert-san needs to pick the next challenge. Currently, the match is tied at one to one. Whoever wins the next game will be the overall winner."

"Okay then, lady luck give this old man a good chance!" Dert prays aloud as he sticks his hand into the box and pulls out a piece of paper that reads "1st person shooter".

* * *

Uzumaki First Person Shooter

*Like any other first person shooter game.

*Try playing Call of Duty or something.

* * *

"Ah, I just noticed something." Naruto pipes in after Matsuri finishes explaining the rules of the game.

"What is it?" Issei asks.

"We don't have any first person shooter game... actually, we don't have any action specific games either. The closest one we have is "School Love-Fest!" and Issei bought that on a whim." Matsuri jolted a little in the background but only Naruto noticed. He patted her on the shoulder and gave a sidelong glance. She seemed to have understood the gesture as she returned it with a nod.

"Ah, you're right. I guess I really only bring dating sim games here huh?" Issei strokes his imaginary mustache as he looks in a far off distance (the furthermost wall).

"So what do we do now?" Dert asks as he looked at the remains of the drawing box Naruto happily threw into the stove so as the loser won't call for a rematch.

"Should we go outside again and buy a shooter game?" Issei asks while looking at Naruto who was slouched on a chair.

"Eh? I don't want to~. We just got back, I don't wanna go outside again~!" Yup, regular Naruto is back.

"Well, it is getting late. I think I should go prepare dinner now." Matsuri looks at the clock on the wall and saw that it was reaching five in the evening. She gets up from her chair and walks towards the kitchen. She paused at the kitchen entrance to turn back and ask "Dert-san, Issei-kun would you like to join us for dinner?"

"Gurrrrrrgleeeee" Before either Dert or Issei could answer, Issei's stomach declared it's emptiness and made Issei blushed. He demurely nods his head at the silverette's suggestion. He took a seat with Naruto at the table while the blonde reached to turn on the game system in front of him. _'Maybe playing baseball took more out of me then I thought...'_

"As long as it's not ramen, I'm fine with staying." Dert sits at the table as well and sips his coffee.

Matsuri nodded and said to Dert "I'm thinking of preparing a hotpot. Would that work Dert-san? Issei-kun?"

"Yes please/ Sure!" Was the reply she got. She smiled and walked into the kitchen to prepare the ingredients for the pot.

"""...""" Some time passed by silently as the the group lazy about. Issei lounged in his chair as he droopingly watch Naruto finish a tsundere route, the blonde was lousy at it. Dert sat opposite of Issei and gave his additionally shoddy advice for how to handle the tsundere. Naruto had his full attention on the screen and Kurama (unknown to others except for Naruto) complains about the stupidly bizarre behavior of the female genotype. The sound of sizzling food and bowls being moved echoed mutely throughout the room.

"Sooo... what was the new special you were forcing onto us anyways?" Issei tries to break the comfortable silence with the question that's been nagging on his mind.

"...It's a new recipe a friend of mine gave me. It's constitution is a little strange but it tastes pretty good." The blonde answers without taking his attention off of the game.

"It took you eight hours to make it?" Dert asks while sipping his coffee. He raised an eyebrow at the ridiculousness of the idea.

"...I wanted it to be perfect for you guys." Naruto...pouted?

"Oi... are you actually pouting?" Issei asks his strange friend.

"Hmph, of course not! It's not like I wanted you guys to enjoy something I cooked or anything foolish like that." Yup, Naruto's definitely pouting.

"Naruto-san, at least use a line from the game script that fits your character." Dert... sips his coffee.

"...Seriously? You couldn't have just asked us to try it?" Issei puts his head on his left hand and leans onto it.

"I did ask." The blonde simply replied.

"BULLSHIT! I nearly crossed the Sanzu River when you 'asked' that!" Issei yelled as he remembered his earlier near death experience.

"I have to agree with Issei-kun, you looked more like you were hiding a thinly veiled threat. No, not a threat, you killed Issei-kun anyways." Dert backs Issei up.

Naruto paused his game and looked at the pair in earnest confusion. "I was trying to show my innocence, didn't they say the best way to show it is with a sincere smile?"

"Naruto-san... you really didn't plan this script out too well did you? you had a box full of games ready and you seemed very eager to lead us towards that path. Though this half-baked plan may fool Issei, I am much more competent to realizing your lies." Dert boasted as he sits straight up. He seemed confident nothing can fool him. Guess his jobs must make him very adept in spotting lies and neutralizing it.

"Oi! What's that supposed to mean?!"Issei complains, but really, he wonderfully fell for Naruto's acting.

"...Che. Found out already." Naruto dropped the look of innocent confusion and went back to droopy lazy look he prefers.

"...So it was a trick after all." Issei sighs to himself as he gave the blonde a halfhearted glare before slumping back to the cool wood of the table.

The silence returned and persisted. Dert went and helped Matsuri prepare the dishes and utensils for dinner. Issei continued to slouch about, though not out of the usual laziness but out of the sheer exhaustion that's finally caught up with him from earlier. He honestly have to hold Naruto and Dert in a better opinion. The two don't show any sign of the fatigue Issei's feeling even though they were the most active player.

"Issei-kun, can you help me with turning on the portable stove? I'm bringing the hotpot out." Matsuri calls out from the kitchen. Issei complied and took a few attempts to turn on the aged burner. The pot that Matsuri carried out was massive. Three foot wide and two foot deep, the pot of broth was undeniably huge. Dert came out behind Matsuri carrying the dishes for the hotpot. Beef, pork, shrimp, fish, egg, noodles, assorted vegetables and even some drinks. The middle age man carried the six extra large dishes, the bowl of eggs and the four glasses of juice like a pro-waiter. In the corner of his vision, Issei saw Naruto turning off the game system and switching to a random game show channel.

Once everything was set up and everybody settled in, they clapped their hands in unison and said "Itadakimasu". They then each started dipping what they wanted into the pot. Issei went straight for the fattest piece of beef he saw. Dert got a ladle and started spooning broth into his bowl which was filled with noodles. Naruto was boiling two eggs within the pot with one hand while using the other to eat the food that Matsuri cooked for him. Matsuri professionally picked out perfect portions of vegetables and meat to cook for both herself and for Naruto. The four continued to eat in relative silence which was only broken by some small talk, a few old people joke from Dert and the sound of the television in the background.

They finished eating, cleaned up the tables and washed the dishes by around eight o'clock. Dert was the first to leave the shop as he joked about not being as young as he was before. Issei left afterwards when he remembers that he didn't finish his weekend homework. Matsuri went upstairs to prepare the futon for sleep. She, like Issei, couldn't exactly keep up with the energetic Naruto and Dert and tuckered herself with the ball game from that afternoon.

Naruto sat at the table playing a game for another hour to both entertain and accompany Kurama before the fox enters hibernation again. According to the fox, the world was finally starting to accept them as an inhabitant. This gave Kurama a longer waking period as the energy it takes to maintain their existence lessens. This didn't make Naruto worry any less for his friend. He had first hand experience with the energy output that the fox was capable of. To see Kurama struggle for so long hurts. Especially when Naruto cannot do anything about it. Therefore the blonde did the next best thing. He entertained the fox in every one of its waking moment. It was all he could do to thank Kurama for helping him so much. If Kurama can now stay awake for a measly nine hours out of a week then Naruto was going to give him everything that's worth that nine hours.

The blonde ramen shop owner smiled to himself as he heard the fox drift back into hibernation after a fun day of sports, food and gaming. He turned off his game system and walked upstairs to join Matsuri in sleep.

_'...Today was a fun day...'_

* * *

(Issei): "Whoa! The shop looks extra busy today. What happen?" Whistles out loud as he enters Naruto's ramen shop. He looks around for a seat and was pleasantly surprise to find that the usual table was clean and empty of customer.

(Matsuri): "Ah Issei-kun, welcome. Would you like me to bring you a medium pork ramen?" Smiles at Issei.

(Issei): "That would be good Matsuri. By the way, why's it so packed today?" Gestures at the customer.

(Matusri): "It's because of Naruto-sama's newest special dish, the **"Uzumaki Ramen: Kitsune Special"**. The first customer who ordered it said-" Gets cut off by the customers from a nearby table.

(Customer A): "This smell-"

(Customer B): "This taste-"

(Customer C): "This texture-"

(Customer A,B and C): "It's-" Holds up their bowls reverently. "Yasaka-sama's Special Kyuubi Ramen!" Poors the content of the bowl into their mouth as they cry tears of joy.

(Customer A): "Men! Take out your wallets, we must buy every last drop of this Amrita!"

(Customer B and C): "Yessir!"

(Customer A,B and C): "Miss waitress! Refill please!"

(Matsuri): "Yes, they said something like that. I'll be back quickly with your pork ramen, Issei-kun." She gives Issei an apologetic smile before leaving to tend to the customers.

(Issei): "Take your time." Watches Matsuri leaves before pulling out his homework and works on it. "Hmmm, so that new special ramen wasn't a joke huh?"

-Much later-

(Matsuri): "Thank you for your patronage!" Greets off the last customer in the shop.

(Naruto): "Whew, finally done. This was a surprisingly hectic day." Walks out of the kitchen while rolling around his shoulder to relax its muscle.

(Issei): "Your new ramen is surprisingly popular." Closes notebook and puts it into his backpack.

(Naruto): "Jealous that you didn't get any?" Smirks at Issei cockily. "If you get down on your hands and knees and beg to be my lab rat for the rest of your life, I'll give you some."

(Issei): "Tempting but a harem king bows down to no one."

(Naruto): "Dert is on a more successful path then you towards being a harem king. Cause y'know, he's rich as hell."

(Issei): "KUH!" Crouches down on knee in pain. "Cheap words will not bring me down!"

(Naruto): "No, I mean, aren't you already down?"

(Matsuri): "Naruto-sama? What are these bowls of ramen doing here?" Pokes head out of the kitchen entrance to give Naruto a questioning look.

(Naruto): "Oh, I saved those for us. Bring them out Matsuri, let's eat." Looks back at Issei. "Oi Issei, take a seat already. I took the effort to saved a bowl of special ramen for you."

(Issei): "Eh? Ah ok." Sits back into his chair.

(Matsuri): "Here you go Naruto-sama, Issei-kun." Puts bowls of ramen in front of them.

(Naruto, Issei): "Thanks Matsuri~"

_Slurpppp~ _The sound of ramen being eaten echoed through the empty walls of the once crowded shop. Naruto, as always, breathed in the ramen like it was air and finished in ten seconds flat. Matsuri, who usually took her time, seemed to particularly enjoy the ramen Naruto made and finished before Issei. Issei finished his ramen at the regular time.

(Issei): "Hey Naruto, this is the newest special you made?" Looks at Naruto.

(Naruto): "Yeah, why?" Returns Issei's look.

(Issei): "It tastes the same as any other ramen you cook."

(Naruto): "I thought it tasted awesome... then again, all ramen are awesome."

(Issei): "Oh right, you have a ramen fetish. I forgot." Gives Naruto a "-_-" look before turning to Matsuri. "Hey Matsuri, what'd you think of Naruto's ramen."

(Matsuri): "I like the ramen. The smell is subtle but very pleasing to the nose. The ***** and ***** really whetted my appetite and lured me in. The texture of the noodle was springy and chewy but at the same time quite soft and made easy to slurp in. The taste was a bit diverse but the ***** and the ***** worked well in not overpowering the taste of the *****. Personally, I think that Naruto-sama's special ramen is on another league compared to my measly imitation." Answers at Issei with a completely honest face.

(Issei): "...How did you get all that out of Naruto's plain ramen?" Looks at Matsuri incredulously.

(Naruto): "..." Looks at Issei and Matsuri with a bored expression before clapping his fist on top of his palm like he figured out something. "Issei-"

(Issei): "Sup Naruto?" Looks back at the blonde.

(Naruto): "You didn't finish your homework, did you?"

(Issei): "Urk!"

(Naruto): "Do it." Stares Issei down with a dangerous glint to his eyes.

(Issei): "..." Pulls out his homework again and begins working on it.

(Naruto): "Matsuri, let me help you with the dishes." Stands up and carries his and Issei's bowl to the kitchen.

(Matsuri): "Thank you, Naruto-sama." Follows Naruto to the kitchen.

(Issei): Looks up from his homework and stares at the kitchen. "This is because I called his ramen plain isn't it?" Went back to his homework.

-Inside the Kitchen-

(Matsuri): "Did you give Issei the plain ramen Naruto-sama?" Rinses a dish and passes it for Naruto to dry.

(Naruto): "No, all three bowls were the special ramen that Kyuubi no Yasaka sent through the letter." Drys the dish and stacked it up.

(Matsuri): "But Issei said it taste like your regular ramen while I tasted something incredible beyond my comprehension."

(Naruto): "That's probably because the special ramen is a youkai dish."

(Matsuri): "A youkai dish? But there were customers who-" Passes the last dish.

(Naruto): "Those are probably the scouts the youkai association sent to check up on us." Carries the clean dishes and puts it away.

(Matsuri): "So they were youkais... I did not notice." Turns off the water and wipes hand.

(Naruto): "You're still relatively young for a youkai. Don't worry too much about it." Walks out of the kitchen.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama." Follows Naruto.

-Outside the Kitchen-

(Naruto): "...Issei what are you doing?" Stares at Issei as the brunette organizes his homework on the table to look like a naked woman.

(Issei): "Creating a ritual to summon the Oppai gods and ask them to grant me knowledge." Answers without breaking his concentration.

(Naruto): "...Carry on then." Walks to the table and turns on the game system.

(Matsuri): "Call me if you need any help Issei-kun." Begins sweeping the shop.

(Issei): "Thanks bro."

A week afterwards, a certain red haired beauty received a letter from her equally red haired brother bewaring her of the new youkai faction in Tokyo. The new faction already claimed a small shopping area near Kuoh Academy as their territory and they seemed to have made their headquarters in a small ramen shop in the center of the area, where they are spotted to often having seemingly unorganized grouped meetings. The redhead girl was warned to be extremely cautious whenever they are near the ramen shop/ headquarter.

* * *

Ring-a-ding

"Yo, I'm here." Issei walks into Naruto's ramen shop with a slouch. Matsuri waved at him with a smile as she finished writing down a customer's order. Naruto poked his head out of the kitchen to give Issei a quick "Sup." before ducking in again to fill out Matsuri's newest order. Seeing as they were busy, Issei stalked to the usual table to find that Dert, who has been missing from the shop for a week, was there sipping his drink. Issei was mildly curious to see that the middle aged man was wearing a collared Hawaian t-shirt and a pair of shorts instead of his usual worned out business suit.

"Yo, Dert. Where've you been." Issei asks as he sat down on his usual seat, opposite of Dert. He began pulling out some worksheets to review.

"Ah Issei-kun, you're here. Here I brought a souvenir for you." Dert hands Issei a gift bag with some foreign lettering that Issei couldn't understand.

"A souvenir? Were you on a business trip or something?" Issei gratefully accepts the bag with a "thank you".

"No it was the opposite actually. Some of my co-workers said that I was overworking myself and suggested that I needed to take a relaxing trip. Luckily enough, another co-worker had spare tickets to visiting Spain and I somehow or another ended up tagging along. It was a fun trip." Dert reminiscent as Issei gives him a stony face that expressed "You? Work? What work?"

"...Hoped you had fun. Now then, lets see what you got me!" Pushing off Dert's obvious taunt for a tsukkomi, Issei opens the gift bag to find four magazines. Confused, he pulled them out and widens his eyes comically.

"...I...Dert...You...W-what..." Issei stutters as he stares at the magazines in absolute awe and wonder. He gently puts the stack of magazines back in the gift bag and looks at Dert. He gave Dert a stare that lasted for five seconds before cracking into a mad grin and jumps at the middle age man. "DERT! YOU'RE SUCH A BRO!" Was what he yelled aloud before he glomped the coffee sipping old man. Yup, you guessed it, Dert bought Issei Spaniard porn.

"Oh? So you've decided to give up on his ridiculous harem plan and aim for the safer path of the rich unmarried gentleman huh? Good for you Issei." Naruto walks out of the kitchen just in time to see Issei tackle the coffee addict.

Issei tearily lets go of Dert to grab the gift bag laying on the floor and showed it to Naruto, completely forgoing to comment on the blonde's insult due to sheer happiness. "Naruto! Check out what Dert gave me!"

"...What is this Spanish?" Naruto looks into the bag and pulls out one of the magazine. He realized it was porn on first sight but didn't realize the language until he stared at it for a bit. He looked over to Dert with a crooked smile and says "Did you go all the way to Europe just to buy something to woo Issei with? You know he'll roll over and bark for normal Japanese porn right?"

"Ahahaha, strange as always Naruto-san? Here, I bought you and Matsuri a gift as well." Dert laughs off Naruto's insinuation and hands the ramen pair their souvenir.

"...You are just tempting me aren't you? Not gonna fall for it. Now lets see what I gots." Naruto glared at Dert for a good two seconds before taking the gift and ripping the wrappings to shreds. Naruto lifted up the object that was once covered in wrapping, beheld it to his eye level and then chucked it at Dert.

"This is just more porn dammit!" Dert seemed to take great amusement in Naruto's expression as he chuckles at the flying magazines being thrown.

"..." Matsuri tight expression seemed to agree with Naruto's mad accusations but unlike the blonde, she politely sets her porn back onto the table. Issei gave her a puppy dog look that she understood immediately and gave her approval. The brunette teen beamed with happiness so much so that even Matsuri sweatdropped a little.

Naruto glanced at Issei's happy expression and scowled. "Why are you so happy, don't you have your midterms coming up soon?" Seeing the boy's devastated face almost made Naruto's day, almost. It would've definitely made his day if Issei didn't look like he remembered something horrible. That devastated expression only told the blonde one thing. Issei forgot about his midterm exams. The blonde sighed to himself and looked at Issei in exasperation.

"Relax, we still have time to cram. When's the test dates?" Naruto prodded the boy on the ground.

"..." Issei looked at Naruto with dead eyes of resignation. It was the eyes of a soldier going into war on the losing side. The eyes of a defeatist. He moved his lips and muttered "...Tomorrow."

Matsuri stared at Issei in disbelief, Naruto slammed his head onto the table and Dert chocked on his coffee. Together they yelled "How could you forget such a thing until the last minute!"

Issei responded with a dry, cracked chuckle and a far off look. Naruto scratched the back of his head and sighed before walking towards the madly chuckling brunette. He grabbed the teen by his collar and dragged him to the second floor of the ramen shop to study.

"Matsuri, close up. Dert, get big crate of some strong black coffee. We got approximately a twelve hour all nighter to cram months worth of knowledge into this fool."

-Upstairs-

12 hours remaining until school opens

"According to Issei-kun's report card, his weakest subject is English and Social studies. He is proficient in Math and Science (aka failing slightly less then usual) and is in the middle ground with Japanese." Matsuri reads off of the newest report card she got from Issei's school. "According to the potential tests that I got glimpses of when hacking the school database, it is safe to say that we should spend the most time focusing Issei-kun's studies on English, Japanese and Science as they are the hardest ones."

Issei started when he heard Matsuri said something strange. "Wait did you just say you hac-"

"Since my job involves me making many connections. I am quite capable in the English and Social studies department. I take up on being Issei's tutor for those subjects." Dert cuts in before Issei could somehow distract himself.

"I am quite adept in the Math and Science area myself so I will help Issei-kun with that." Matsuri gives her two cents after Dert gave his.

"In that case, I will take Japanese on for myself. We'll each split our subjects into two five hour margins and one two hour. I will take the two hour. Matsuri, please give us the potential questions as well as the most probable answers. Dert you will go first." Naruto gives out quick and precise orders to his two accompanying teachers. Issei could do nothing accept for sitting in the background making a nervous face at the spartan course he's being targeted with.

"Oh, and Issei-" Naruto finally turns his gaze back at the boy on his knees. "-if you so much as dare to slack off for even a minute, these-" He pulls out the stack of twelve magazines that Dert graciously got for Issei. "-will never reach your eyes again." Naruto kamiwari'd the magazines with the air inside of his closet for dramatic effects. It had its intended results as Issei's face grew ashen white.

Dert sat down next to Issei and sympathetically pat the boy on his shoulder before saying "...Let's begin Issei-kun." The teen could only nod and looked at the worksheet Matsuri prepared for him.

10 hours 45 minutes remaining until school opens

(Dert): "..." Flips a page in his hand.

(Issei): "..." Swallows his saliva noisily.

(Naruto): "..." Plays a Portable GS game.

(Matsuri): "..." Prepares the study material for both herself and Naruto.

(Dert): "...Issei-kun" Puts down the worksheets.

(Issei): "Yeah?" Gulps once more.

(Dert): "...You pass-" Grins at Issei.

(Issei): "YES! OPPAI-SAMA HAS NOT FORSAKEN ME!" Jumps onto his feet and cheers loudly.

(Dert): "-with the minimum required score for a normal student. However, with your current grades in the report card... I'm afraid you're going to need to make a much better grade on the test."

(Issei): "NOOOO, OPPAI-SAMA WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME." Falls to the ground and fetal-positioned himself.

(Naruto): "..." Looks up from his GS. "...That's one magazine Issei."

(Issei): "!" Jumps back at the worksheet and starts stabbing it with writing.

8 hours 5 minutes remaining until school opens

(Issei): "...Urg..." Slumps down onto the table and drools with his mouth agape. His eyes lost their usual gleam and he begins loudly snoring.

(Naruto): "...Is he asleep?" Looks at Dert who's grading a big stack of paper that Issei somehow managed to write.

(Dert): "He's finish with all his work so I'll allowed him some rest." Flips to another page with the number 32 printed on it's top left. "Really, that boy finished all fifty worksheets in around an hour." Flips to page 33. "And most of it is correct as well."

(Naruto): "...Meh. Matsuri, wake him up when it's your time to teach." Looks back down to his GS game.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama."

7 hours 10 minutes remaining until school opens

(Issei): "...Ah?" Opens his sleepy eyes and sees Matsuri looking down at him. He realizes that he's sleeping on Matsuri's lap and chuckles. "Matsuri~ I had such a strange nightmare~."

(Matsuri): "..." Tilts her head at the slightly hysterical Issei which prompted him to continue.

(Issei): "Naruto was threatening me to study for twelve hours straight or he'll take away all my porn~ He crazy is that huh?" Starts chuckling deliriously at the strange idea.

(Naruto): "That's still happening Issei. In fact, it's about to be Matsuri's turn to teach you soon."

(Issei): "!" Bolts up from Matsuri's soft, comfy and manly(?) lap to exhaustively look at Naruto, who's still playing his game and then at Dert, who's sipping his coffee. Looks distressingly at Dert who returns the look with a smile and mouthed "It's still good." Visibly slumps down to knees in relieve.

(Matsuri): "It's good that you're awake Issei-kun, should we start?"

(Issei): "..." Nods tiredly and sits next to Matsuri at the table.

5 hours 30 minutes remaining until school opens

(Matsuri): "And you do this and carry the variable x over to here to complete the equation..." Leans over Issei in order to show him the steps to solving that type of question.

(Issei): "Whoa that's all that's needed? How come I never remember learning about this." Gaze in wonderment at the solution.

(Matsuri): "This way of solving such questions is in the textbooks. Did you not read that chapter Issei-kun?"

(Issei): "What textbook?" Looks at Matsuri in honest confusion.

(Matsuri): "...Issei-kun have you ever seen this book before. It's your school textbook." Hands Issei a semi-thick blue hard cover book.

(Issei): "...No, I've never seen this before." Flips through his school textbook. "Oh hey, It has what the teacher's been teaching us... and solutions too!" Looks at Matsuri in complete amazement. "As expected of you Matsuri! Always prepared!"

(Matsuri): "Ahaha, thanks Issei-kun." Takes the compliment in stride and sweat drops a little.

(Naruto, Dert): "..." Gives Issei the "Are you an idiot?" look behind his back.

4 hour 10 minutes remaining until school opens

(Matsuri): "And that's the final question." Checks over the last of Issei's worksheet to see if they missed anything. "Good job Issei-kun, why don't you go rest for a bit before your tutoring time with Naruto-sama."

(Issei): "..." Nods tiredly again for the xth time that day and slumped onto the cool wooden table.

(Naruto): "...Matsuri, by your calculations, what are the chances of Issei passing?"

(Matsuri): "Considering the fact that he knows most of his exam's question by heart now, he should be able to pull his average up to above the passing requirement."

(Naruto): "...That's good. Prepare the guest futons. Let him sleep for the rest of the night."

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama."

(Dert): "Is it because you care for his health that you let him sleep in or because you're too lazy to teach?" Smirks at Naruto and helps Matsuri drag Issei's dead body to the futon.

(Naruto): "A little bit of both." Walks out the door to go downstairs. "Start sleeping first, I'll join in later."

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama. Good night Dert-san." Crawls into the furthermost left futon, the one that's next to Naruto's, and sleeps.

(Dert): "Mmhmm, good night you two." Crawls into the futon next to Issei's (who's the furthermost right) and sleeps.

(Naruto): "...Good night." Closes the door and walks down the stairs. "...Hey Kurama, you think we got enough in our tank to shape a permanent goudama?"

**(Kurama): "...We can make up to three temporary ones with our current capacity... What do you have in mind?"**

(Naruto): "...A good luck charm."

1 hour after school opens/ 30 minutes remaining until class starts

(Issei): "I'm late, I'm late, I'm lateeeeee~!" Rushes downstairs with his clothes disheveled.

(Matsuri): "Ah, Issei-kun, please wait a moment." Walks out f the kitchen.

(Issei): "What's up, Matsuri?" Stops at the entrance and turns around to see Matsuri wearing an apron.

(Matsuri): "Here's your lunch and I wish you good luck on your test." Fixes Issei's clothing and buttons up his jacket.

(Dert): "Yes, remember your preparations and you should do well." Dert jumps in as well from the usual table.

(Issei): "Un! Thanks, I'll do my best." Races out the ramen shop. Runs for about a minute before he sees a familiar mop of blond hair. "Oh? Naruto, what're you doing here?"

(Naruto): "...Just taking a walk. Here, catch." Tosses something black at Issei.

(Issei): "Oh?" Catches the black object and looks at it. "An omamori?" Looks at the pitch black omamori in his hand, then at Naruto.

(Naruto): "Good luck on the test." Walks pass Issei and towards the direction of the ramen shop.

(Issei): "Thanks." Grins at Naruto before running to school again.

* * *

RINGGGGGGGGGG

"Safe!" Issei rushes into his class just as the bell rings. He slides into his chair and slumps his back into it. He tries to calm his labored breathing and only somehow made himself more nervous for the test. He groans to himself as he tries to remember the spartan teachings that Naruto, Dert and Matsuri tried to imbued into his brain. He somehow managed to remember Matsuri's efficient teachings and Dert's hands on ( aka LOTS of writing) approach. For some reason though, he can't remember Naruto's attempt at teaching. Any of it, actually. Knowing how enthusiastic the blonde was at getting him to study, Issei was sure that the blonde did something crazy to teach Issei but for whatever reasons, he can't remember it.

_'Was Naruto's teaching style so bad that my brain actively tried to wipe out the memories? Is that even possible?' _Before Issei could continue his train of randomness, the classroom door opened. Since this is a testing day, a random teacher is assigned beforehand to each class to administer the tests to the students. Trying to get his mind off of his re-enclosing nervousness he took a look at the teacher... and did a waterless spit-take. Now he understood why he sensed a weird feeling of dejavu.

-10 minutes earlier outside the Kuoh academy's school gate-

"Alright Matsuri, you're the fill-in student for the empty seat next to Issei, use whatever skills you have to throw off atention to yourself. Dert, you'll be the first test administrator for Issei's class. I'll be the brain who's in charge of overlooking this situation and giving instructions. The main objective of our mission is to passively encourage Issei to pass the test. All forms of cheating will be regulated by me and carried out by you two. Remember to keep wearing your mini-headphones for the remainder of this mission and don't let others notice it. Is there any question?" Naruto asks as he sits within the cover of a bush while wearing camo-clothing. It didn't really work out because of his blonde tufts.

"When and how did you even prepare all of this?" Dert asks as he fixes his gray tie while looking at a full size mirror Matsuri was holding up.

"About an hour ago I went to the principle and asked. He readily accepted my preposition." Naruto simply said. It wasn't a lie, just not the full truth. He did come to Kuoh Academy and asked the principle (with a extra helping of grade A Kurama genjutsu) and the principle did accept (After approximately ten minutes of genjutsuing). Dert seems to have left it at that so Naruto deemed that he didn't need explain any further.

"Is there any other question?" Seeing the other two squad members shake their head, Naruto grinned and said "Good. Mission start."

-Issei's classroom-

Dert passed out the test and went back to the teacher's desk to read his magazine and drink his coffee. He didn't do anything strange when he got to Issei's table besides mouthing the words "Naruto's idea" so Issei figured that this is just their way of encouraging him on.

An hour passed and Issei had to admit that he was doing the test with relative ease. So far, he has passed no questions that he did not remember already doing. It was both reassuring and scary how all these answers that Issei's pooring out is from Matsuri's worksheets. He made a mental note to not let the silver haired girl go near his computer, ever.

He was near the end when he came across a question he did not remember doing. He tried to comb his mind of any mention of this question but came up blank. Panicked, he sat there for five minutes trying to do it himself but he soon found that he had no idea where to start. Was this a new concept that Naruto was supposed to go over with him? Is this question in the blank spot of his memory of being with Naruto for the night? In that case, this is extra bad. If he misses this question and Naruto finds out... his porn collection would disappear. Issei sat there practically hyperventilating when something moved from the corners of his eyes.

He made a subtle glanced towards the moving object and almost screamed aloud at seeing Matsuri sitting in one of the empty seats in the classroom doing the test as well. He rubbed his eyes once and still sees Matsuri wearing the cute Kuoh Academy uniform. He rubbed them again and still sees a very real Matsuri masculinely doing the test in the cute Kuoh Academy uniform. The very real Matsuri took a quick glance at him and then signaled something with her facial expression. He somehow understood her signal and glanced down to her hand which held three fingers up. He immediately understood what that meant and circled the answer choice to the question he had trouble with.

Somewhere within his mind, he knew that he was doing something bad but honestly, he didn't care. Matsuri is being an overqualified bro by trying to help him out. Who is is he to reject such a thing? Who is anyone to reject such a thing?

And like that, time passed until lunch started.

-Kuoh Academy's Courtyard-

Lunch started after the first three portions of the test was finished and the students filed out of the room. Matsuda and Motohama questioned why Issei is staying behind but left quickly when the brunette reminded them that it was the swimclub's day to take their physical. Issei also wanted to go as well but the curiosity for questioning the certified hacker and old man about what they're doing here prevailed. The cheating pair in turn smiled at Issei like the cheshire cat and lead him to the courtyard.

They walked up to a tree and Issei saw a familiar mop of blonde sticking out from behind it. Circling around, Issei sees Naruto, in camo, sitting under the shades of the tree. Naruto sees the group as well and waved.

(Naruto): "Yo, Issei. How's the test so far?" Slurps the steaming ramen bowl in his hands.

(Issei): "Scarily well. I don't think I need to tell you about it?" Sits down facing Naruto and pulls out the lunchbox Matsuri packed for him earlier.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama only instructed me to help you twice." Sits next to Naruto. Pulls out two lunchboxes from her schoolbag and hands one to Dert. "Well done, Issei-kun." Smiles at Issei.

(Dert): "Where were you anyways, I didn't see you anywhere to observe us." Looks at Naruto as he opens Matsuri's lunchbox.

(Naruto): "I was in a tree." Waves around the binocular that was hanging off his waist. "And I can be very stealthy, it's no wonder you didn't see me."

(Issei): "Let me guess, you've been training since the age of twelve in order to become a ninja." Deadpans at Naruto.

The blonde nodded as he stuffed his face with ramen while Issei rolled his eyes. Dert sat there and sips his infinite coffee coffee cup after quickly demolishing Matsuri's lunch. Matsuri pulled out an extra large thermos as well as three cups and hands Naruto and Issei a cup of tea. They sat in relative silence for a while before Naruto spoke.

(Naruto): "So... what do you usually do at lunch break?"

(Issei): "Hmmm... I usually either eat lunch with Matsuda and Motohama or I go peeking with them. Sometimes both."

(Dert): "What a proactive way to spend time in school. Ah, the bliss of youth."

(Matsuri): "What did you do when you were in school Naruto-sama?"

(Naruto): "Oh you know, the usual. Practicing how to throw kunais and shurikens."

(Issei): "Nothing about that is usual you ninja fetishes."

(Dert): "Now now Issei-kun. You can't judge others by what they did, in fact, back in my days-"

(Matsuri): "Dert-san, your birth certificate says you're only 39. Not much has changed since your days."

(Dert): "Wah~ Matsuri-san's saying something really scary."

They went back to the peaceful silence with the only sound being Naruto, who's gorging down his third extra large ramen bowl.

(Issei): "Ah, that reminds me." Turns to Matsuri. "So you can hack huh?"

(Matsuri): "Yes, but I'm still a novice at it. Naruto-sama is still teaching me some of the deeper inner workings."

(Dert): "Oho, as expected of the mysterious blonde foreigner. You're working really hard to fill out your character list aren't you Naruto-san."

(Issei): "Seriously, what do you think ninjas do?" Looks at Naruto incredulously.

(Naruto): "No, hacking was something I learned after I stopped being a ninja-" He twitched his head and upper body towards an odd angle bofore looking back and gives Matsuri and Dert quick instructions. "Dert, hide! Matsuri, extra cute smile, aim it at Issei!"

(Issei): "Wha-" Looks at Dert who seemed to have understood immediately as he climbed the tree he was previously leaning on with practiced ease.

(Matsuri): "Yes, Naruto-sama." Snaps fingers in front of Issei's face to capture his attention before giving the teen a literally blinding smile.

(Issei): "WAH!" Covers his eyes. "What's going on?!"

(Motohama): "Matsuda...do you see what I'm seeing?"

(Matsuda): "If you're talking about Issei's companions then yes, I'm seeing it too."

(Issei): Turns around to see Matsuda and Motohama. "Huh? When'd you two get there?"

(Matsuda, Motohama): Runs off while yelling "Issei you bastard! Ditching us to go eat lunch with two mysterious hot ladies! Go drown yourself beneath Tokyo Bay!"

(Issei): "...What?"

Issei turns around to ask Matsuri and/or Naruto what's going on. He freezes when he got a look at Naruto. Naruto was crossing as "Naruko-sensei" again. This time though, he dressed himself in a Kuoh Academy female uniform and had his hair flow freely instead of the bun from before. It took Issei a total of three seconds before a light bulb popped into existence and "dinged".

(Issei): "...SERIOUSLY, STOP DOING THAT!" Gets up and lunges at Naruto.

(Naruto): "KAHAHAHAHAHA!" Dodges Issei's lunge and quickly runs off though slow enough for Issei to still try and catch up to.

(Dert): "Ah, the bliss of youth..." Sips his coffee from the lowermost branch of the tree he climbed.

(Matsuri): "Issei-kun! Class is restarting in ten minutes don't be late!" Cleans up the lunch equipments and walks off to class after nodding at Dert.

(Issei): "GET BACK HERE YOU IDIOTIC PRANKSTER!"

(Naruto): "KAHAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

AN

Idiot #1: Welcome back to another stupendously idiotic installment of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef". Today we are gonna give news and answer questions.

Idiot #2: First is the news. We have decided a title for our first arc (the first 5-15 chapters) "Bromance of The Three Kingdoms".

Idiot #3: The three kingdoms part is referencing to the different races. Matsuri, the youkai, Naruto/Issei, the humans and Dert the "?". We're not spoiling Dert's identity until any reviewers states outright who we're referencing to.

Idiot #1: Why can't we just call it "The First Year Arc"? It's literally random chapters of Issei's first year?

Idiot #2 and 3: Because it sounds stupidly boring, be more creative man.

Idiot #1: Ugh, whatever. Anyways onto the questions.

Idiot #2: Some people commented on our [(Name): "Dialogue" Action] style writing. To answer that, we say "Ugh, whatever". Whatever works right?

Idiot #3: #1 started us off writing in that style and we just picked it up, it works... sort of.

Idiot #1: Yeah, so that's about it. Anyone got something they have to say? Any diabolical plan before we stop typing?

Idiot #2: No, I got nothing... Oh, I think I should mention that we need a Beta. We're sorely missing out on the "Good Grammar" portion of fanficiton (badum tzzz). Besides that... nothing. You got anything to say #3?

Idiot #3: ...We're also looking for tutors to help us with homework. In case you didn't notice, we're idiots.

Idiot #1 and 2: ...We second that.

Idiot 1,2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	3. Coffee Ramen

"Haaa... It's been a while since I've seen the shop as empty as it is today." Naruto loafed on the usual table in his ramen shop. Besides him was Dert, who as always, was sipping on his cup of coffee and reading a newspaper. Matsuri was in the kitchen, packing up the remains of today's still plentiful stocks. Issei hadn't come to the shop immediately after school so he probably got caught peeking and was given detention.

"It really is rare. I've never seen you having two or three customers a day since Matsuri-san started working here. Perhaps it is because of the festival across town." Dert looked up from his newspaper and gave Naruto a possible reasoning for his lack of customers.

"A festival? Which one?" Naruto's interest peeped a little at the mention of a festival.

"The Sanno festival Naruto-sama." Matsuri walked out of the kitchen while wiping her hands on her apron. "The festival parade passed by the other side of town sometime between four and five o'clock, earlier this evening."

Ring-a-ding

"Here you guys are." Everyone in the shop turns to see Issei walking in wearing a simple brown yukata. "I didn't see any of you guys at the parade so I figured you'd be here. Aren't you going to the festival?" Issei asks while looking at the undecorated group.

"Why'd you figure we'd be at the parade?" Naruto asks the teen in the dark brown kimono and sandals.

"Well, since the festival is always held on the other side of town, this shopping district usually closes down at lunchtime. Most of the shop owners here opens up a stall near the shrine where the festival is held so I figure you'd be there too. Didn't your neighbors tell you that?" Issei explains to him while giving his blonde friend a questioning look.

"...No, I don't speak to my neighbors often. They think that I'm an insanity asylum escape convict."

"...I'm not even going to ask." He looks over to Dert and Matsuri. "So you guys wanna go to the festival or not."

"Well, it does sound more enjoyable then staying in this secluded shop the whole time." Dert scratches his stubble.

"It would be nice to see what a festival is like for once..." Matsuri glances at Naruto to see if he wants to go. She would gladly stay behind with the blonde if he chooses to not go.

"A festival huh? Sounds fun, lets go!" Naruto was at the shop's entrance and dressed in an orange yukata before anyone could blink. One moment he was lazily slouching on the table and the next, he's energetically bouncing like a kid on a sugar rush at the door.

"Hurry up! Come on already! We've wasted enough time!" The blonde runs out of the entrance and headed in the wrong direction.

"Ah, wait for me Naruto-sama!" Matsuri chased after the blonde in orange, also going in the wrong direction.

"Hey! Where're you guys going? The temple is that way!" Issei bounds out of the shop and tries to get their attention. He ended up having to chase them while yelling "Wrong way!"

"Ah... The blessing of youth." Dert walks out the shop last and locked the door for Naruto. He then leisurely followed the noise of Issei's yell while sipping on his cup of infinite coffee.

* * *

"Wow, so that's the shrine, it's surprisingly crowded...everywhere." Matsuri looks around in wonderment. They have not passed the shrine's gate yet and the young youkai was already feeling a bit swamp. Discreetly, she moved closer to her blonde master who has lost his earlier hype and went back to his usual lazy impassiveness.

"Of course, this is a traditional festival. Practically every neighborhood is here." Issei answered Matsuri's silent question while weaving through the crowd. "Though I honestly have no idea what this festival is celebrating, I can definitely say I know some awesome food stands."

"Ah, if youth keeps up like this, our honorable olden traditions will come to an end." Dert contemplates aloud while actively doing his best to keep the group together. Because it's so crowded, everyone needs to make room for each other to maneuver. Dert took it on himself to maintain the group within a close enough distance to where they can locate each other by sight or voice.

"...I wonder if they have ramen here..." Naruto asks a question with enough volume to reach Issei, the makeshift guide to the festival for the group. The ramen chef looked around some of the stores near the shrine but found nothing of interest. There were a few toy shops and a couple of kimono rental but nothing that really connects with the blonde.

"If you want ramen just go home." Issei deadpans at his blonde friend's obsession to the noodlely treat.

"I think they sell yakisoba at the stands in the shrines Naruto-sama." Matsuri suggests as she continues to stick near the blonde.

"Everyone~ we've pass the front gate. Gather up or you'll get lost." Dert comically inputs as they walked under the red wooden shrine gate and into the temple ground.

"Pfft. We're not kids Dert, I don't think we can get lost even if we want t-" Before Iseei could continue his retort to Dert's advice, a sudden crowd appeared out of nowhere and passes through the gate just after them. Like a certain comedic scene that tends to show up from time to time in some dating sims, Issei, Dert, Naruto and Matsuri got separated, each member dragged off by their own little crowd.

"Seriously? What the heck!" Was all that Issei could yell aloud against the physical embodiment of the humorous force acting imposingly to his words. In an act of defiance, he reached passed the barrier of his little crowd in order to grab onto one of his friend's hand. He managed to grab onto a soft, effeminate and yet somehow manly hand. Feeling like he already knew whose hand it was from his sense of touch, he pulled the hand and its person out of both their perspective crowds. Not wanting to be dragged around by mysteriously illusional crowds again, Issei wasted no time to get out of the entrance area and paced quickly to the temple area, all while not letting go of Matsuri's hand.

"Whew, I think we're safe from that mysterious crowd now." Issei relaxed himself after making it to the stall area, which is too disjointed to have mysterious crowds appearing without him noticing. "Hey Matsuri, did you see where the other two went?" He turned around to ask his silver haired friend when he widened his eyes at the person he saw instead.

The person is blonde and has blue eyes. The person is wearing an orange outfit. The person has a droopy looking stare aimed at Issei. The person is however, not Naruto (or his strangely realistic disguise, Naruko). The person is female. Her ponytailed blonde hair is a paler and more ethereal shade of blonde than compared to his friend's. Her eyes, while blue, is leaning more towards greenish and the blank stare that she was giving to Issei seemed more natural due to the lack of light flecks reflecting from her pupils. Her body is beautifully curved and much more natural than compared to his blonde friend's proportionally outrageous disguise. The girl/ young woman before him is extremely charming... and someone he does not know... and he's still holding her hand... "ding".

"I'm sorry for dragging you around like that!" Quickly letting go of the strangely manly hand, Issei backed away from the blonde beauty and bowed his head to a near ninety degree angle. He held his head like that for another few seconds before raising it again to look at the girl. She had a knuckle in front her mouth, as if to cover up whatever sound she was making, and she was shaking from what seems to be laughter. Yes, that is definitely laughter she's trying to cover up. "Wha-"

"...Fooled ya." The blonde whispered in a low volume while giving Issei a shit eating grin. It took the brunette a few seconds to process the words, another few seconds to understand its meaning and a few more to recognize the originator's voice.

"NARUTO?!"

* * *

(Dert)

He saw the crowd coming from behind them and made to warn the group but they didn't heed his warnings. Issei-kun seemed to have had a smart aleck answer readying for emission when the crowd made impact. As expected, the little group was splinted apart. He managed to sidestepped the crowd and dodged the wave but the others weren't so lucky. He saw Issei dragging Naruto away to the stalls and Matsuri getting dragged towards the praying ground.

"Ah, it looks like I managed to lose them anyways. Oh well, we'll probably meet up again. Let's see, where's the coffee stand around here..." The middle aged man sighed as he blended into the crowd while sipping his coffee.

* * *

(Matsuri)

She managed to finally escape from the bondage of the crowd too late. Looking around, she couldn't find a trace of her master's incandescent blonde hair. Wilting noticeably, she begins her trudge back to the temple ground's entrance in hopes of finding her lord when she notices something in her hand. Confused as to when it had gotten there, the silverette opens a letter in her hand. In it were a hundred thousand yen and a note that states

_'Looks like we got separated, sorry Matsuri. Here's some money, enjoy yourself. I'll meet up after a bit, hopefully with the others as well. Have fun~!'_

"...Ahehehe, Naruto-sama. What did you expect me to do to be putting in so much money." She giggles a little at her chosen lord's antic before taking him up on his offer and walked to the stall area to "enjoy herself".

* * *

(Naruto &amp; Issei)

"Oh come on. Don't be pouting, it doesn't fit you." Naruto said to Issei as he bit on his candied apple. " Besides, I would've thought that you'd get use to this by now." He looks over to the pouting Issei who's questioning his sensuality. The brunette keeps muttering something on the line of "It's a guy, it's a girl, the guy's a girl, and the girl's a guy..." In the back of his mind, Naruto decided to hold back on messing with his henge technique for a while. It wouldn't do if Issei were to start suspecting every hot female he sees and interacts with as a certain blonde in disguise after all.

"...Oi, stop muttering already. Didn't you want to enjoy the festival? Here, eat this." Naruto gave Issei a slight scowl and shoved a cotton candy he got earlier into Issei's hand. It effectively snapped the brunette out of his trance as he confusedly looks between the sugary treat and his blonde friend.

"Ah thanks." Issei gave his thanks before joining the blonde in eating the treats while walking around the stall area. "Huh, this is pretty good, where'd you get it?" He finishes the cotton candy fairly quickly and asks Naruto, who finished his candied apple at the same time.

"A few stalls back. The guy gave it to me for free when I gave him a cute smile." Naruto flashed Issei a cute smile that had previously enraptured many stall owners. Issei mentally admitted that he would've also fallen for it too if it was not for the wielder's confession.

"...You dress like that to get free food?" Issei deadpans at Naruto's strange habits and its reason. The ninja excuse was random enough to fit Naruto but dressing up to get free food sounds a bit too... much for the blonde.

"Nah, I do it to mess with people. Spook them a little and make them double think themselves. It's hilarious." The blonde openly responds to Issei's deadpan. He didn't miss the brunette's flinch as the boy thought of his situation. Catching a whiff something good smelling from nearby, Naruto grabbed Issei's arm and led him to the smell of more delicious (and most likely free) food.

"Hey old man, can I get two of that serving?" Naruto calls out to the stand owner who was concentrating on making his takoyakis.

"Hahaha, anything for you sweeth-" The man laughs at Naruto's direct attitude and looks up from his work. He cuts himself off as he recognizes something after seeing the blonde male (currently female) in full. The man squints his eyes and took two noticeable whiff of air before he opens them again in surprise. "-Uzumaki-san, is that you?"

"Hmmm?" Naruto took his turn scrutinizing the man, he seemed familiar but the blonde couldn't quite put a finger on it. Flashing his chakra to activate his [Chakra Sensing Thingy Power]™, a certain group clicked into his mind.

"Ah, you're the one of the scouts."

"Bingo. And in one try too, good job Uzumaki-san. Here's a prize for naming me right on the first try and almost fooling me with your disguise." The scout/ takoyaki stand owner handed Naruto his order of two boxes of takoyaki.

"...How'd you see through the disguise? I thought I did a good job at hiding my identity." Naruto accepted the box offerings and handed one to Issei who wasn't paying any attention at all to the conversation in favor of ogling a pair of cute girls walking by. Leave it to to the hormonal teen to have tact in the weirdest places and circumstance.

"It is a good disguise, but you should realize that nearly everyone I work with is also in disguise. I have a way of telling what's underneath a physical mask." The man tapped his nose while filling out another order for the customers that was behind Naruto. "So you're showing the young one the culture of Japan?"

"...I would be if we didn't get separated..." Naruto stepped out of the way as the scout handed the customers behind him their orders.

"Hahaha, crowded temples tends to do that to people." The man laughed aloud and splatters some more of the batter onto the hot pan. "If you find her though, lead her to the back gates over there by the temple ground. She's living in the human world but that doesn't excuse her from having full enjoyment with our side of things, who knows, maybe she's already there."

"Un, will do. Thanks for telling me." The blonde nodded to the suggestion and walks off, dragging Issei along by his yukata's collar as he wears a perverted smile from seeing an accidental panty flash. The blonde flashed his chakra once more to use his [Chakra Sensing Thingy Power]™ to locate Matsuri. She was on the other side of the stall area, at the gaming stalls. Though he wasn't much of a sensor, he can still tell some emotions by the vague movements of a person's energy. Matsuri's was calm yet energetic, showing that she's (hopefully) enjoying herself.

Glad that his sort of roommate is having fun, He walks to the gate that the scout had mentioned before. He has no idea what to expect but he sure as heck knew that it was different from what he's seeing now. Even before he met Matsuri , he knew that there was more than humans living in this world like the bijuus and summonings of his previous world but the problem was that he never really bothered looking into them until Matsuri appeared. Knowing nothing more than a few wikipedia searches, he was kind of excited about what's to come.

"Hey Naruto, where are we going?" Issei on the other hand was beginning to sweat in apprehension. When he finally noticed his surrounding was auspiciously missing cute females in kimonos, Naruto had already dragged him off to who knows where. The glint in the blonde's eyes that reminds him too much of Serious Naruto is already a warning flare. The fact that human activity was thinning out and dead trees were becoming more prominent by the second wasn't doing much to help.

"A fun place that my friend suggested, ah I see it right over there." Naruto said as he points towards an aged shrine gate surrounded by walls. The oppressive aura that was visibly surrounding the shrine gate made Issei gulp aloud.

"Fun? You sure this friend of yours is trustworthy?"

"No, not really." The blond answers in complete honesty. If this was an attack, he'd just either kick some ass or [Kyuubi Hirasihin] out of here. He's not that worry, unlike his profusely sweating friend whom he's still dragging around. As he steps into the gate's vicinity, a nearly untraceable pulse of power vibrated from the gate and touched both teens. Naruto felt his chakra surge forward to counter the power and he felt the inactive goudama in Issei's pocket do the same. The power retreated back to the shrine gate and the oppressive aura from earlier dissipated. It seems that that was the gate's anti-human function. Maybe he should look into whatever that power was, it certainly wasn't chakra (not that the humans of this world produce much of the energy substance to begin with, being with no chakra coils and all).

He let Issei walk on his own again and motioned the teen to follow him pass the gate. The difference between the inner and outer portion of the gate was tremendous. Outside is a small field surrounded by dying grass and trees. Inside is a bustling festival that's even more hectic than the one outside. Stalls surrounds shops that were surrounded by youkais (some in their full youkai form while others, still human form) crowding everywhere.

"Wow, since when'd they make a costume area here. Figures that your friend would be into cosplaying." The brunette boy said as he whistles and gives the cross-dressing blonde a grin. It's impressive that he's never heard of it before, but that's probably because he didn't know the right people to talk to.

Naruto grinned maniacally when he saw an eight foot tall oni making delicate sweets and a little girl arm wrestling something even bigger than the oni elsewhere. This was going to be fun.

* * *

(Matsuri)

"Ah, you're the youngling/scout!" Both Matsuri and the takoyaki stand owner pointed at each other out as they recognized one another. The stand owner was focusing on making yet another great batch of takoyaki when he hear a familiar voice ordering a box and looked up to see who it was. Matsuri was finishing with raiding the gaming stalls and getting some great prizes that Naruto-sama would've enjoy when she got hungry and decided to get some takoyaki.

"So the boy still hasn't found you huh?" The man packs up some takoyaki into a box and shuts off his grill. He hands Matsuri the box filled with takoyaki.

"I trust that Naruto-sama will find me sooner or later." Matsuri accepted the box and reaches into her sleeve to get some of Naruto's fund. The man stopped her by saying

"No need, that one's on the house. I'm closing down anyways."

"Really? But it's still so early."

"Nah, I''m moving on to my main job. Hey youngling, mind answering some question?" The man closes walks out the back and motioned Matsuri to follow.

"Your main job?" Matsuri made no attempt to follow the man but she didn't retreat either. The man was someone that she is well acquainted with so she can somewhat feel that he won't hurt her. She decided it best to gather more information on what the man wanted to begin with.

"Yes, a scout or rather, your scout. It's been a while since I've been stationed here to monitor your activities. Usually, we'd leave it off if the youkai and their host agrees to live together. The situation with you however is a bit special. I wish to ask some questions and maybe answer a few to make my job easier." The scout explains to the cautious girl his intentions and jokingly puts his hands up in the air as if to surrender.

Matsuri found the answer satisfactory and begins to cautiously follow the man. They didn't move far or rather, at all as they only moved to the back of the stall. Hidden in the shadows of the stall, the scout made a few hand gestures and stuck a piece of paper onto the stall's wall. Matsuri felt a chill crawling up her spine as the air between her and the scout shimmered. She tenses and looks at the man questionably.

"Don't worry, this is just a barrier to tone down volume inside and keep away curious eyes. You can easily walk out or even scream and people will notice you again." The scout scratches the back of his head and gives Matsuri a disarming smile. It still calmed her, even if a by a small amount.

"Ok. What is it you want to ask?" Disregarding her caution for now, she asks the man for his question.

"The first would "Is your host in any way or form hurting you or influencing you to do anything you do not wish to do"?" The man pulls out two folding chairs and hands one to Matsuri. He then sat down on his and pulls out a small journal and began reading from it. He looks up at his interviewer and gives an almost apologetic smile. "Sorry, it's part of the job, even if it's a stupid question."

"No, it's alright." Matsuri smiles demurely as she slightly relaxes some more after seeing that the man was the speaking truthfully (according to Naruto-sama's lie sensing lessons). Matsuri taps her chin in wonderment and answers the scout's question. "Naruto-sama has been very kind to me. He never asked me to help him with his shop even though I was staying in his house for free. He stated outright that he has connections to let me go wherever I wished whenever I wished and he even taught me skills that are usually not taught but learnt through experience. Overall, Naruto-sama has been a perfect host."

"I see... that answers the next question... hmm what's next..." The scout pulls out a pen and wrote something down before flipping the pages and writing in it every now and then. He asked her a few more questions such as "would you prefer staying with a youkai family over a human family?" and "Does he feed you properly?". Matsuri answers them all truthfully and before she knew it, the scout closed his journal and stood up with a relieved sigh escaping his lips. "Phew, glad that's done. Thanks for answering the questions youngling, this'll help me finish off some paperwork much more efficiently."

"No problem, please come and visit our shop if you really want to thank us." Matsuri gave him a winning smile as she shamelessly advertised her shop. She made to walk back out of the shadows when the scout stops her to tell her something more.

"Ah, hang on a sec. Earlier, your host came by and showed a... certain skill set to me without noticing. I never noticed before but now that I did, I'll have to report it to my superiors. Tell me, do you think your master is... special in any way?"

"...Naruto-sama has a bewildering mindset and tends to act very spontaneously. I do not know what you are talking about but he does seem to be well aware of youkais before I came into his life. At least, that is my impression from his ease with accepting me." Seeing nothing wrong with answering the man, Matsuri replies like she did before, truthfully.

"I see... Thank you for accommodating me on answering these strange questions. Go back and have fun at the festival, I suggest the fifth stall to the left of here, they have good buttered grill corn." The man smiles dryly and stalked off into the deeper shadowed areas of the shrine before completely disappearing.

Matsuri looks at the spot where he disappeared for a few seconds before returning to the lights while humming to herself.

* * *

(Dert)

"Excuse me, do you sell coffee at this stand?"

"Sir, you asked me that not five minutes earlier and thirty minutes before that, we only sell buttered grill corn here."

"Damn it!" Dert staggers off again and blends into the crowd to continue his self-appointed quest of finding any drinkable coffee. A few seconds later, a certain silverette walks by and orders a serving of the corn as suggested from her earlier companion.

* * *

(Naruto &amp; Issei)

"Seriously, this place is really elaborate." Issei looks around in awe at the stalls and shops they still haven't been to yet. There are so many places that each have their own youkai related specialty. So far he and Naruto has visited the goldfish scooping stall (which had man eating fish), the caricature stall (which drew what they look like if they were a youkai, he was an oni while Naruto was a kitsune), the gift shooting stall (which Naruto earned them a pair of authentic hetero chromatic lizard newt eyeballs) and the sumo stage (which had had two really big oni-like men duking it out). This place was freakishly amazing.

"We've been here for a while, maybe we should go and find the others now." Naruto slurped up some yakisoba noodles while looking around for the familiar gate in which they entered.

"Huh you're right. Wow, time past by quickly." Issei pulled out his cellphone to check the time and found that time really has passed by without him noticing. In his moment of procrastination, he displaced his thoughts from being mindful of the crowd and bumped into someone. He fell down and looked up to see a half drunk man.

"AH? Watch whe ya goin brat." The tipsy man glared down at Issei and squints his eyes. He looks over to Naruto and scowls prominently. "AH? Why da hell are your kind doin here?!" Before Issei could react, the man grabs him by the collar of his yakata and heaved him up in an incredible display of strength. The now threatening looking man made to say something but stopped when a hand grabbed his wrist.

"Please let my friend go." In his panic, Issei made a half turn to see who had said that. He identified his savior as the now de-disguised Naruto glowering at the man who held Issei. The man yelped and dropped Issei on his rear once more before pulling his wrist out of the blonde's hold. Naruto stepped in front of Issei and continued glowering at the man, the man glared at both Issei and Naruto as he rubbed his wrist and Issei was just confused and scared shitless at the sudden atmosphere of near violence.

It continued this way for a few more moments before another man broke through the crowd and ran towards the man who grabbed Issei. The newcomer patted the offender on the back to grabbed his attention and then the two had a heated whisper discussion (it was really a half whisper conversation seeing as the drunken man said everything in full volume). Issei heard a few lines like "But they're-" "Probably... host." "Why... they here..." "Visit... fun is all.." but couldn't make heads or tails of their conversation. Sooner or later, the drunk conceded to the other man and stepped back. The other man stepped forward and bowed his head towards Naruto's and Issei's direction.

"Ah, sorry about that. My friend had a bit too much spirits and couldn't tell where he was. It was an honest mistake. Sorry about that." The man looks up with a goofy half-crooked grin and silently asks for an acceptance to his apology.

"...That's okay, just please be more mindful of others." Naruto nodded slowly but still kept his glare. The man bowed a second time before turning to drag his drunk friend away. Just as they disappeared into the crowd, Naruto turns around and pulled Issei onto his feet. He then grabbed Issei's hand and walked off in the opposite direction of the other two.

"...So what was that about?" Issei breaks the uncomfortable silence that persisted as the two walked. Naruto paused and lets go off Issei's hand. The blonde turns around and Issei could literally see the change from serious to droopy on his friend's face. He looks at Issei with a lazy demeanor and gave a slow blink before saying

"No idea. Probably just some drunken rambling." Naruto simply said while giving Issei his lazy stare. Issei didn't believe one bit of that but decided that if his friend was going to keep silent about something then he should just let it be. It's not like he even understood what that something was. He just knew that him being there drew the man's aggression. Perhaps he's the father of one of the girls that he, Matsuda and Motohama peeked on, that would explain a lot of things.

They walked in silence once more though this time, without any of the thickness of the earlier atmosphere. Once they made it pass the worn gates from earlier, they walked to the stalls area. Naruto turned his head a few times as if to look for something and Issei followed along. He saw a flash of silver moving in the crowd and called out

"Matsuri!"

The silver head paused and turned to the voice. It took her a moment but she sees the mop of blonde that could only belong to her master and spiky brown locks next to it. She navigates herself through the crowd and smiled happily as she sees her master and friend.

"Hello Issei-kun, Naruto-sama, did you enjoy the festival?" Issei flinched as if he remembered something bad and gave an awkward smile. Naruto nodded his head and asked her the same question with a drowsy smile.

"It was enjoyable, how did you enjoy the festival Matsuri?"

"I had fun, thank you very much Naruto-sama." Matsuri bowed her head to Naruto to show gratitude for him giving her money to enjoy herself. Naruto waved it off and Matsuri raised her head again. "Is Dert-san not with you?" The silverette looks around to locate the last member of the group but found that he was missing.

"Meh, the guy's probably off trying to find coffee or something." Issei quips at Dert's affection for coffee.

"I don't know, maybe poor little Dert got lost in the crowd." Naruto follows up with a grin.

"BEEP BEEP BEEP" Before the group could continue their conversation, a speaker rang overhead and said "ATTENTION ALL FESTIVAL PARTICIPANTS, THIS IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE LOST CHILD SERVICE. WILL THE PARENTS AND/OR GUARDIAN OF ONE DERTAERG PLEASE COME AND PICK HIM UP? I REPEAT, WILL THE PARENTS AND/OR GUARDIAN OF ONE DERTAERG PLEASE COME AND PICK HIM UP?"

"""DERT!""" The group scrambles to find the lost child office.

* * *

"Hmmm? I seem to have run out of coffee." Dert says as he puts down the ever-present cup of coffee in his hands.

Naruto drops his controller. Matsuri drops her broom. Issei drops his pencil. Eerily, the three turned their heads to Dert's direction as one, mouth agape and eyes widened in shock.

"...What? Did I miss something?" Dert looks around at those staring at him inquiringly. Chaos exploded.

"Matsuri! Go get coffee ASAP!" Naruto jumps out of his chair and orders Matsuri to go to the kitchen to prepare Dert's life essence. He then walks over to Dert and pats the man gently while saying "Breath man, it's okay. Matsuri will get some nectar immediately. Don't die on us here."

"Yes, Naruto-sama!" Matsuri bolts over the counter and enters the kitchen immediately after Naruto's command.

"Hello 119? This is an emergency! My friend is rapidly losing the liquid that's keeping him alive!" Issei pulls out his phone and instantly begins filling in the request for an ambulance.

"Ah, isn't this going a bit overboard? I'm not so into coffee that I need it to live you know." Dert begins chuckling as he figures out the cause of the commotion. He feels Naruto's deadpan drilling through him on his back without even turning around. He sees Issei closing his phone and turning around to add another deadpan to the group. Matsuri sticks her head out of the kitchen and adds the third and final deadpan.

"You drink the stuff everyday."

"You never seem to _not_ be drinking the thing."

"Frankly speaking, I wouldn't be surprise if your blood is 99% coffee, Dert-san."

"...I limit it to only twenty cups a day you know..."

"""THAT'S STILL A LOT!"""

"Muuu, so mean~. And here I was hoping to teach you kids the ancient art of coffee making." Dert attempt to pout which cause Issei and Naruto to backed off while Matsuri stuck her head back inside the kitchen.

"So you wanted to show us how to make coffee? What's the point? Even Issei knows how to use a coffee machine... probably." Naruto picks up his controller off of the ground and sits down again while giving Dert a raised eyebrow.

"...I'm not going to give you the pleasure of replying to that." Issei scowls in Naruto's direction and returns to his homework.

"Coffee machine? No, I don't mean that pathetic and miserable excuse of a half-assed drunken monkey bartender with no hands. No, what I mean is real coffee making. What I meant is this." WIth an engaging air flowing from him, Dert pulls a large suitcase out of nowhere and puts it on the table which Issei had half an mind to clear up. Naruto shuts off his game system to see what Dert was planning on doing and Dert dramatically flips the case open as he gathered everyone's attention (including Matsuri's who's peaking out of the kitchen entrance).

Inside the case was an assorted collection of tools, machines and beans. Issei stared at it and picked up one of the machines. He examined it for a while and looked over to Dert.

"...A fancier coffee machine?" Naruto's automatic response was to smack the brunette upside his head while Dert lamented on how his tools was being compared to the armless monkey. Matsuri chuckled and told Issei that the thing he was holding was a portable water heater.

"So you wanted to show us the ancient art of coffee making by using modern tools for making coffee?" Naruto raises his eyebrow as he holds up an electronic stove.

"The ancients wished they had this kind of technology." Dert deadpans and unpacks all the tools. He lastly puts down the bag of (probably) coffee beans and clears his throat. "I wanted to treat you kids to a proper cup of coffee since you've been looking sullen these past few days."

True to his words, the shop's atmosphere has been leaning from calm and relaxing to eerily quiet and downright depressing the past few days due to a series of unimportant and unrelated circumstances such as Matsuri slipping and breaking some plates, Issei taking one too many beatings from various females that he and his friends peeped on, Naruto having finally finished all his dating sims and having nothing to do and Dert... well, nothing really happened to Dert. Put together in approximately the same time frame, the sullen atmosphere was created without anyone realizing it except for Dert.

"So you brought all of this to make us coffee?" Issei questions Dert's plan.

"Not at all. I wanted to show you the art of coffee making so that you can do it yourself and cleanse your mind of all its earthly burden. To wash away all the taint that depression had left you with through the cleansing effects of the black nectar of the gods."

"...And you wonder why we call you a damn coffee addict." Naruto stares at the middle aged man stonily, everyone knows that ramen is the true nectar of the gods. To say otherwise is blasphemy.

"...I remember a coffee cake recipe I looked up earlier. Maybe I should try making some?" Matsuri offers her input from behind the kitchen's line. Dert smiled and nodded while her lord shrugged. She took that as a go ahead sign and withdrew into the kitchen's interior to prepare the sweet treat.

"To make coffee you must first..." Dert turns back towards the boys and began his lecture on coffee. Naruto and Issei didn't understand half of it and didn't bother remembering the other half. They would normally have tune him out by now but, to their shock, they found themselves being enraptured by his words. His tone, his gestures, his various actions to use his tools all took their attention towards him and only him. The two could've done nothing except silently accept their fate while Dert blabbers on about coffee.

After what seemed like an eternity (approximately 20 minutes) of grilling, smoking, grinding and dripping the beans, Dert puts one cup of coffee each in front of the hollow eyed boys. The two took a sip and slammed the cup down instantaneously.

""IT TASTES EXACTLY LIKE REGULAR COFFEE!""

"I thought you two wanted normal coffee that tastes like the handless monkey's." Dert evenly replies as he sips his own cup. "Besides, that was just to show you two how to prepare a cup. Show me up and make a better one." The middle aged man attempts to challenge the two. He was at least fairly sure that Issei would be all for it.

"...Might as well." Issei harrumphs loudly and stood up to attempt what Dert had shown him. The middle aged man took a seat and watch the young highschooler struggle with the stove. He thought that it wasn't that hard. All he had to do was follow the steps that Dert had attempted to explain to him. Though he struggled with the tools, he didn't have much problems attempting to make his coffee... but... throughout the whole process, he felt something missing. A memory of earlier came to mind.

_'Coffee is an energizing essence that wakes up the drinker. If the brewer is just as down as the drinker, then the essence will be lost. The key in coffee making is not skill or technique, the only true secret is unending will to get what one wants!'_

"...So that's it." Issei recollected himself after days of depression and truly opened his eyes. So what if the kendo club his given such a rough beating! That should be nothing in the face of a harem king! A harem king is one who stands above all others and face tribulations after tribulations without flinching! What is he doing now? Why's he moping around? This isn't how a harem king should be! If he wanted to be a harem king then he should be standing strong with his back straight!

"OOOOOOOOH!" The brunette abandoned his earlier attempt at coffee making and begins to redo his work with renewed vigor. Everything he does, every step he finishes was imbued with the energy that would've light up Tokyo for days on end. From the roasting to the grinding and even the brewing, the boy did everything with absolute confidence and energy. Dert smiled at the boy as he figured out what the middle aged man was trying to do. Naruto perked up with interest as his previously lethargic friend suddenly brimmed with energy.

"Order up." Once the boy was finished, he poured the final product within two cups of coffee and served it to his two waiting friends. The two took the coffee wordlessly and sipped it... only to spit it back out in a simultaneous spit-take (that even came with a small coffee colored rainbow).

"Eh? What's wrong? Is the coffee that bad?" Issei was taken aback at the reactions of his friends. Sure, it might've tasted a little off but isn't that a bit much?

"The hell is this... goat's milked?" Naruto squints his eyes and looks at his cup suspiciously.

"...No this subtle taste, it's like goat's milk but it's different... this is... breast milk." Dert declares after taking one or two more cautious sips.

"What are you two going on ab-" Issei furrowed his eyebrows at the two's answer and poured himself a cup. Much to his dismay, the cup that held what looked and smelled like coffee tasted like very nutritious milk. "...The hell?!"

"...Wait a sec, if this is breast milk and Issei made this... Doesn't that mean that we're drinking..." Naruto didn't need to finish his sentence as everyone in the room shuddered and came to one conclusion.

"Issei, never make coffee again!"

"Sir, yes sir!"

"...Good, let's move on and forget that this event ever happened." Dert attempts to get his mind off of the taste of Issei's breast milk. He gestured in Naruto's direction and said "Naruto-san, why don't you give it a try."

The blonde shudders noticeably and gets out of his chair to go to the items. He stood there and glares at the tools for a few tense seconds while Issei situates himself back into his seat. Finally, the ramen chef sighs and said to Dert

"My cook's pride cannot allow me to use another's tools."

Without saying anything else or even wait for a response, the chef grabbed the bag of coffee beans and walked into the kitchen's interior. A few seconds later, Matsuri was gently pushed out and the kitchen's door was slammed shut before the confused silverette could even blink and say "Eh?" Issei and Dert walks up to the confused girl as she stares at the door. The three stood in silence, prickling their ears against the wood to hear what the blonde was planning and then withdrew as one when a loud clang crashed from inside. Another loud clang followed and a fwoosh of fire being lit came after. Soon, the kitchen became a cacophony of sound and all those who were outside thought one thing

_'Is he... making ramen?'_

Five minutes passed and no change happened to the situation. Dert and Issei walks back to the table while Matsuri decided to sweep the floor again. Dert turned on the television to find something to occupy himself with while Issei went back to his homework.

-An hour later-

The kitchen door was slammed opened and Naruto proudly walks out with a platter holding four large bowls of steaming hot ramen. He walks to the table and sets down the platter to distribute the bowls and four small plates of cake that was previously hidden behind the bowls. He gestures Matsuri to come and eat while carefully reading the reactions of the other two. Issei naturally has a look of distrust against both the blonde and his mysterious unidentified bowl of ramen. Dert curiously swirls around the ramen broth with squinted eyes. Matsuri sat down at the table and stared at the bowl as well.

Naruto took the initiative to show that the noodles weren't poisoned and ate first. Matsuri followed in afterwards and ate it with a surprising amount of gusto. Dert shrugged and followed soon afterwards and slowly ate. Issei gave in last and ate the noodles. Everyone had a varied look of enjoyment to their bowl of noodles. Naruto, like everything else that involved the word ramen, finished his bowl and cake in thirty seconds flat. Dert, who looked like he ate slowly, finished next and slurped up the remaining broth with zest. Matsuri was the third to clean off her bowl and cake with a contemplating lick of her lips. Issei finished last as usual and sat his bowl to the corner. The four sat in silence once more, each one taking up there own thinking pose.

"...So? How was it?" Naruto leaned back on his chair so that he can get a good read on everyone. The others gave his question some thought and it was Matsuri who answered first.

"I liked how you instilled the essence of the kitsune ramen into my bowl. The flavor of your dark coffee broth went well with the erratic combination that the kitsune special had to begin with. The cake that was supposed sweetened the taste bud against the bitterness of the coffee only went to emphasize the multiple combination levels of the saltiness and sweetness within the bowl. It tasted surprisingly well for such a strange mixture." As always, Matsuri gave a lengthy description of what she liked about the ramen to boast Naruto's confidence level.

"Though not as descriptive as Matsuri-san, I thought that you handled the flavoring of the dark coffee beans quite well. To bring out its taste and natural sweetness with none of the bitterness is quite something." Dert gave his approval after Matsuri finished.

"...It tasted good..." Issei, the ever flatulent food critic that he is, said after everyone finished.

"...Hmhmm." Naruto nodded at each of the critics that his ramen got. He smiled at each positive remark and finally said "So if you had a chance, would you eat this ramen again?"

"I would eat anything Naruto-sama makes."

"I could go for it on occasions."

"It's better than plain pork ramen so sure, why not."

"Great! Then you can help me finish off the other seven experimental pots!"

Dert and Issei immediately made a run for the exit.

* * *

"Hmmm, he said that they got in line early. I wonder where they are..." Issei mutters to himself as he walks along a crowded line that's waiting for the midnight release of a certain dating sim called "Love School-Fest!" It's supposedly the second edition to the the first "Love School-Fest!" that Issei remembered he once bought an otome version of and left at Naruto's but couldn't find any information about it on the net other than the fact that it's a ghost game afterwards. He had told Naruto about it as well as his intentions to buy the second "Love School-Fest!" and Matsuri immediately jumped at the news. Somehow or another, Naruto ended up scheduling a meeting at the midnight release with everyone. According to the text, Naruto and Matsuri got there early, Dert came a while later and Issei was the last one due to his homework. Who knew Matsuri was a fan of that franchise.

After walking pass half of the crowd and still not seeing them, Issei pulled out his phone and call Naruto's. The blonde answered his phone on the third ring.

"Hey Naruto, where're you guys?"

"Hmmm, you must be pretty far off if you haven't seen us yet..."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Just keep walking and you'll see what I'm talking about yawnnnnn..."

"Geez, don't fall asleep before I get there. You're the one who planned this. At least have the dignity to be awake enough to buy the game yourself."

"Yawnnnn~ Sorry, it's just really comfortable..."

"Comfortable? It's half raining out here, how're you confor-" Issei made a half choking, half snorting sound as he saw what Naruto meant.

"Ah, you're here. I see you over there. Hi Issei~!" A little distance off, Naruto started waving at Issei with one hand while he held a cellphone in the other. He was sticking his head out of a large orange camping tent that was big enough to comfortably hold six people. The tent had wheels under it and two oars sticking out on the sides. If that wasn't ridiculous enough, the smell of food that wafted out of the tent as he got closer sure made up for it. He ignored the weirded out look that he got from the other game buyers as he walked up to the tent and went inside.

"Ah, Issei-kun just in time. The hotpot is almost ready." Matsuri greeted Issei as he walks in. She sat at the low lying table in the middle of the tent while cooking the hotpot's broth. Naruto was at one side of the tent playing his portable GS and rolling around comfortably on a bunch of blankets like some sort of lazy overgrown house pet. Dert was on another side reading a magazine while sipping his coffee.

"...Seriously? Couldn't you have just waited in the line like normal people?"

"Normal is overrated-" Dert begins in monotone, like it was a practiced line that he had prepared for this occasion.

"Eccentric people is what makes the world go round." Naruto finished with a smirk.

"..." Issei rolled his eyes and smiled in exasperation, he couldn't argue with that whimsical sounding line. He walked over to Matsuri to help her with anything she might need help with. She asked him to prepare some plates and get the drinks from the cooler. He laid the plates and the chopsticks on the four sides of the table and filled three cups of ice for himself, Matsuri and Naruto. Dert didn't need any as he already got his coffee. Another five minutes of preparations and Matsuri deemed it good enough to eat.

"Everyone, food's ready."

Naruto caterpillar crawled his way to the table and Dert walked and sat down at the table. Once settled, everyone clapped their hands in unison and said "Itadakimasu!" Each one began chowing down their own food of choice. Dert ladled some soup, Issei cooked some meat, Naruto got two eggs and Matsuri went hot pot shogun. It was a quiet meal that finished in roughly half an hour. Dert volunteered to go throw away the disposable since he also needs a refill of coffee. Matsuri cleaned the mess within five minutes and Issei found himself with one problem, how's he going to spend the leftover four hours before the midnight opening? Naruto had his portable game, Dert got his magazines, Matsuri isn't ADHD enough to lose her mentality after sitting still for more than an hour but Issei has none of those features. He almost wished he brought some homework. Matsuri, as if noticing Issei's problem, tapped him on his shoulder and brought out a pink portable PXP system.

"Issei-kun, would you like to help me clear some routes from the first "Love School-Fest!" that I have trouble with? It's the tsundere route that Naruto-sama refuses to touch no matter what." Matsuri gave a sort of troubled smile at Naruto's direction as the blonde noticeably becomes lazier in his fortress of blankets. Issei had to hold himself back from jumping the silver haired girl while screaming "Matsuri~! You're such a bro!"

Five minutes into game on the tsundere route was all it took for Issei to nearly throw the PXP out of the window hole. Whoever the hell thought that the idea of combining the cool and collected attitude of a kuudere and the abrasive words of a tsundere was a good one ought to seppuku themselves. Seriously, there isn't even a noticeable route! What kind of bad end is it when the heroine hands the player a poisoned bento with the classic tsundere line "I had extra, it's not like I made it for you or anything. Hmph." Even Matsuri's eyebrow is twitching noticeably!

"...Ah, so that's it. Yes, the heroine just has bad cooking capabilities. All we need to do is raise the poison resistance stat for our character before continuing her route. Yes, that must be it." Matsuri decided with a scary smile on her face. Issei didn't even want to figure out how she plans on discovering the poison resistance skill.

Twenty minutes in and Issei starts to slowly back away from Matsuri inches by inches. The silverette was letting loose enough concentrated killing intent to cause illusions of death scenarios to happen from the corner of his eyes if he stayed close enough to her. So far, they discovered around two thirds of the bad ends that was programmed into game and the heroine is still actively trying to kill them. First was the poison cooking, then came the accidental flaming arrow headshots. After came the real sword kendo fights and the bare-handed wrestling contest (with her pet bears, plural). The latest attempt that ticked Matsuri off extra hard was the heorine "accidentally" dropping a pot of steaming hot ramen broth onto the main character from eight buildings up.

Forty minutes into game and Naruto joined in. He gave the tsundere one look and said "Creepy ass Uchiha bastard." Though neither Matsuri nor Issei knew what an Uchiha is, they both nodded in yes when they registered the emotions behind his voice. Naruto really did throw the PXP out the window hole when he saw the "travesty she did to ramen". Dert walked in a moment later, rubbing his head and giving the group a raised eyebrow while waiving around a pink PXP. The group silently crowded Matsuri as she continued to play.

One hour and sixty two bad ends away, the group cheered as the tsundere finally admits that she likes the main character's hardiness and occasional company. They groaned again when she drugs them and sold them off to some shady black market. Make that sixty three deaths.

Thirty minutes after the first hour, Naruto (following Kurama's advice) discovers the hidden immortal skill that was a major part of the tsundere route. The only way to get it though was to save the world from space invading aliens while playing in a F*nal Fantasy like setting. The group groans some more and Naruto said the thing that was in the group's mind. "Who allowed the idiot that wrote the game script for "School Love-Fest!" to write the tsundere route?"

Three hours and fifty minutes into the game and everyone half heartedly cheered aloud again for defeating the third and (hopefully) final boss to finish the tsundere route. They then quickly braced themselves for the death that is to come following anything that is good within the tsundere route. After five seconds of dialogue and no sudden death, the group relaxes by a tiny fraction and pressed on.

"Thank you for freeing me from the curse that has rid my mind. Though don't let it get to your head either! I-it's not like I like you or anything, hmph!" The in game tsundere said after kissing the main character on the cheek.

"Ahhhh, finally... something that's normal~" Naruto basked in the normalness of the scene that played out before him.

"Finally, we finished this game fully..." Matsuri puts down the PXP and gives a wistful smile at it. It felt good to finish one of her sister games, even if it wasn't "School Love-Fest!"

"Hahaha, the anxiety of the game shaved off half of my coffee cup. That was truly a mind boggling game." Dert laughs and leaned against the tent's wall to relax.

"...Wait a minute guys, there's still some more text after the ending credits..." Issei told his friends and clicked the go button.

"Though, that doesn't mean I won't kill you now~ Teehee!" The ending credits was died in the blood of the main character and the screen showed the familiar bad end text that everyone knew by heart. Everyone held a schocked face for a few seconds before screaming aloud "DAMN TSUNDERE!" just as the midnight bell rang for the opening of the second "Love School-Fest!".

Incidentally and much to everyone's horror, the second game was held in the future of the first game and had the tsundere as the mother figure. The first three minutes were filled with blood and bad ends.

* * *

AN

Idiot #1: Sup! Welcome to another weird as heck installment of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef". We got some news to say so listen up~!

Idiot #2: As it turns out, script writing was one of the big no no(s) in this website so we are now forced to start writing like normal people.

Idiot #3: Because of that, our writing capabilities are lowered by 400% making updates impossibly further and further away from each other.

Idiot #1: ...Isn't that just because you guys are lazy as hell? I finished my part in the Festival and Coffee Ramen within two da-

Idiot #2: #3! Stop him from typing anymore classified information! He hasn't fix the backspace button yet!

Idiot #3: Konohagakure Hidden Secret Taijutsu Technique: One Thousand Years of Death!

Idiot #1: GAH!

Idiot #2: Phew, that was a close shave. For a moment, I really thought that he'd reveal that he practically wrote four fifth of the story while we only imputed some subplots here and there.

Idiot #3: Yeah, that was a close one.

Idiot #2: Anyways, since #1 is out of commission, I guess it's my job to tell you guys that the three of us have no idea what we're writing. Seriously, we've never watched Highschool DxD or read its light novel and manga adaption.

Idiot #3: We did read a few fanfic of it but none of those made it pass Kokabiel's arc so we're pretty much walking in the dark after the Bromance of the Three Kingdoms arc... please help. We're too lazy to read the novel and wiki told us a sum total of jack.

Idiot #2: So yeah... that's it.

Idiot 1,2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	4. Surprise ramen

"Oh hey, I think I have a bite." Issei says as he feels a light pull on his fishing rod. He held his rod still for a couple of tense seconds before the line was pulled, indicating that he hooked a fish.

"Really?" Matsuri came over to him with a fishing net and a bucket of stream water that already held some fishes within.

"Yup, a feisty one too." The brunette said as he attempts reel in his second fish of the day. Matsuri fished out a valiantly struggling medium sized fish with the net in her hands. Swiftly removing the hook, she gently displace the fish into the pail of lake water that held a number of other fishes.

"That makes eight. This number should be about enough. Everyone~! We have enough now~!" Matsuri calls out to the other two fishers from further along the stream. Dert jolted awake from his nap and knocked over the fishing rod that was being held to his side by two big stones. The middle aged man looks around and halfheartedly wipes off his dribble before his brain starts to process what's happening around him. Naruto looks at the fish within his hand, shrugged and threw it back into the water. He then started to waddle back to shore to dry himself off and throw on the rest of his clothes. Apparently Naruto logic equates that all ninjas must have a semi-tolerable mastery of bare handed fishing techniques.

"I'll start making the dough and noodles." The blonde said as he walks to the table that held the ramen supplies Matsuri had spread out earlier.

"I'll start on the broth." Matsuri declares as she follows Naruto to the table.

"Me and Issei will clean the fish." Dert announces as he gets off his lawn chair and walks to Issei with the gathered tools for gutting and cleaning the fishes that were caught.

"Hmmm" Issei groans as he stands up from the spot that he has sat on for more than an hour. He stretched loudly to pop his stiff back and looks at the sun, the flaming ball was barely up to noon hours. It really is hard to believe that they have been here for hours especially since they were all at the ramen shop just that morning.

-Earlier that day-

"YAWNNNN~!" Issei noisily exhales as he slumps over the remains of his weekend homework. He glances at Naruto to see the blonde staring blankly at the game screen without really reading the text. Matsuri was absently standing next to Naruto with a dazed look as well and Dert was... well, Dert. The guy's blood is coffee, there's no doubt that he cannot get tired or even dazed.

"Hmm, this shop gives off a lethargic atmosphere these days doesn't it?" Dert comments as he makes the same assessment as Issei. The man puts down his newspaper and looks around the shop. It was empty, save for maybe one or two regulars that might come later for lunch, the shop is bound to have no more customers today.

"Sigh, can't help it. The shop sometimes hit a funk and the atmosphere roughens up because of it. It's part of business after all." Naruto shrugs as he turns off the game system he wasn't really playing and turns back to Dert and Issei.

"Perhaps a change of atmosphere might help." Matsuri suggested as she went to make some tea for Naruto, Dert and Issei. The three turned to her to have her add some details and she explains "We haven't gone out to do anything fun in the sun for a while now. At most, each of us stay out for an hour to do a task before cramming ourselves back into the shop. In fact, the last time I remember us doing anything outside was when we went to buy the second "Love School-Fest!" game. Therefore, I suggest that we do something fun this weekend to liven ourselves up." The three males in the room shivered in phantom pain as they remembered the train wreck of a game that was "Love School-Fest!"

"...It's fishing season and I know a good spot a little west of here." Naruto suggested as he remembered a certain forest in his memory. If he remembered correctly, there was multiple streams and lakes that could've make a good camping spot.

"What a coincidence, I happened to have the camping tent and fishing gears required for a weekend stay in the woods in my van." Dert throws in as he supports the first idea to do something active. Playing games in fun but being in the sun might not be so bad.

"...Guess I'll call my parents to say I'm going to be out with you guys for a while." Issei gets up and pulls out his phone while walking to the entrance to get a better signal. He paused while dialing and turns back to the blonde. "Hey Naruto, can I borrow some of your clothes? It'll be kinda inconvenient to go back to my place and get some." The blonde shrugs and asks Matsuri, who's already going upstairs, to pack a few extra pair of clothes for Issei.

"Would you need any extra sets as well Dert-san?" Matsuri asks the middle aged man. He shook his head and pulled a duffel bag filled with clothes and other necessities. The girl nodded and continued her trudged upwards to prepare for a small trip.

It took ten minutes total for Dert to pull up the van, Matsuri to pack everything and Naruto to close down the shop for the weekend. Once everyone was comfortable and seated, Dert turned on the van's engine and started nudging the gas pedal forward.

-In Dert's van-

"OI! AT LEAST SLOW DOWN! THERE'S A CURVE COMING!" Issei held on for his dear life as the middle aged madman drove a van far past it's built in limits. The manically grinning man stepped on the pedals of the van at seemingly random intervals for the car to gain even more speed before strongly twisting the wheel. The car drifted on the road and, for a moment, Issei leaned out the window due to the momentum and saw the railings scarce millimeters away from his door. He was slammed back into his seat as the car regains it's course and continued accelerating on the mountain pass... that were full of turns... "Ding". "SOMEONE STOP THIS MAN ALREADY!"

"Ahahaha, the fun is part of the journey Issei-kun." Dert laughs off Issei's plea for salvation and pressed the gas pedal even more. According to the GPS, the next curve is in two minutes at normal speed limits and roughly thirty seconds at his speed. "Nartuto-san, Matsuri-san, can you move to the left this time? We're about to make another turn~."

"..." Naruto grimaced as he moves himself and by extension, Matsuri, who was sprawled out half-conscious on his lap. He barely made it too as Dert pulled on the wheel the very instant his butt touched the leather seating. his left hand shot up to grab the hand bar above the door's window while the his right hand was used to hold on tightly to the slightly more unconscious than before Matsuri. He grunted at the sharp turn that should definitely not be possible with a van. Matsuri groaned a little and he patted her back to calm her nauseousness. Issei, who had a front row seat, made a sound that almost reminded the blonde of a dying toad, his face looks like one too.

"Ahahaha, see? Isn't this fun?" Dert airily laughs as he took the time to accelerate the van some more on the temporarily straight path. Naruto popped a comical red vain and Issei spazzingly twitched.

""LIKE HELL IT IS!""

**"Eh, really? I like it..."**

"...Only you Kurama, only you..." Naruto mutters lowly as he braces himself and Matsuri for the next turn that was coming up. Matsuri whimpers as she hopes that Kurama-san didn't somehow encouraged Dert to attempt any crazier road tricks than what he has already shown.

-Evening at camp-

""""Slurrrrrrrrp""""

"...This turned out pretty good for some impromptu ingredients." Naruto assesses his ramen bowl as he shovels the thing down his throat similarly to that of a starved whale.

"The stock made from the fresh fish definitely enrich the flavors." Matsuri confirms as she delicately sips the broth that was her handiwork. She had uneven feelings about not having the full arsenal of kitchen spices and utensils to use but the soup that she's tasting is potentially better than even most of her better works.

"Does anyone want some coffee?" Dert offers up a freshly made pot of coffee. Naruto held out a cup and Matsuri declined politely. Issei rolled his eyes and muttered something about the weirdness of drinking coffee at night.

"...Y'know, aren't we supposed to be camping in the middle of the woods? Why're we eating ramen?" Issei finally throws in his voice of reason at the strange setting. Here they were, roughly three hours (Dert's measurement) away from the nearest piece of civilization, surrounded by trees for a hour's worth of walking, having nothing to illuminate them but the stars and moon in the sky and what were they doing? Eating ramen. Seriously, at least have the decency to make marshmallow smores and cracker or something... no wait, Naruto would probably attempt to turn the marshmallows into stock for his ramen. This might actually be the better route, however strange it is.

"In essence, ramen is the refinement of the raw materials of the earth. In order to embrace the true feeling of camping, one must also embrace his love for mother nature and henceforth, ramen. This is truly the only way for us campers to truly bring out the truest quality of this journey." Naruto sagely says while stroking his blonde fu manchu.

"Coffee is also an refinement of the earth, you should start embracing that as well Issei-kun." Dert wisely inputs while offering the pot of warm coffee once more.

"...Tea is earthly as well." Matsuri, who didn't want to be left out of the conversation, inputs as well. The silver haired girl refilled Issei's half empty tea cup and smiled when the brunette thanks her on pure instinct and well worn manners.

"...This ramen is pretty good."

"""Yeah."""

\- Nighttime inside the tent-

"Good night Issei."

"Good night Issei-kun."

"Good night Issei-kun."

"...I really don't want to ask but, what the hell are you guys doing?"

All eyes turns to Issei, who was curled up in his sleeping bed, as he asks the question. They all gave Issei a questioning stare as if to ask if it wasn't obvious enough. Issei answers with a deadpan stare.

"As you can see, we are obviously playing a game." Naruto answers with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, I can clearly see that. However, what I'm referring to is-" Issei twitched his hand to point at the device which his three tent mate are using to play their game. "-THE HUGE ASS FLAT SCREEN PLASMA TELEVISION! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP LIKE THIS?!"

"Ah, I guess we could lower the brightness and resolutions." Matsuri inputs as she discovers her friend's dilemma.

"Nononono, that's not it. I meant what the hell is a flat screen television doing in the middle of the woods. How is it even functioning with no electrical supply? Actually, how did you even bring that thing without me noticing?"

"Oh so that's it. Well Issei-kun, this is no normal everyday huge ass flat screen plasma television. This, is special huge ass flat screen plasma television."

Issei raised an eyebrow.

"Through the power of a whole lot of cash and even more whole lot of bullshit science, my company has completed the anti-energy powered technology. The first ever in the line of gadgets to be able to run on the power of not having any power. Don't ask how that works, I don't know either." Dert proudly pats the television with pride. He then turns to Issei and says "And besides, you were the one that carried it here Issei-kun."

Issei stared at Dert with a flat face and muttered "So that's why it was so heavy." Then he stared at Matsuri, and then Naruto. The brunette heaved a great sigh and crawled his sleeping bag over to the group. "So what games are you playing?"

-The second morning-

CRASH!

Issei woke up with a jolt as a loud crash resounded in his surroundings. He took a moment to pull his mind from the barrier between awake and unconsciousness and looked around. The first thing he noticed was the demolished tent that he, Dert, Naruto and Matsuri had slept in. He then noticed that he wasn't in said shredded tent. He then felt himself being shifted and looked down to see the ground. He looks to his side to see Matsuri holding one hand on his shoulder and another against a tree's trunk. It took him another moment to figure out that he was on a branch of a tree. Why? What happen?

"Wha-"

"Shhh, lower your voice Issei-kun. We can't afford to attract the enemy." The silverette holds one finger to her mouth and spoke in a hushed tone.

"...What's happening." Finally getting some bearings, the brunette asks the girl in a hushed tone.

CRASH!

"We attracted a bear and some wild scavengers with the lingering smell of yesterday's meal." The girl says as she immediately turns her head to another crashing sound from nearby.

"..." Issei turned his head towards the sound as well and saw a huge white tiger slam into a tree and make a giant gash with its claws. A figure darted out from underneath the tiger's claw and when it took Issei a scant second to recognize the figure as Dert. "Wait, I thought you said a bear. Why's there a tiger?!" He silently exclaims to the girl while watching his friend dodge under another trounce from the white beast, all while still sipping from his coffee cup.

"Naruto-sama went to distract the bear but somehow led it to a tiger's den. A few incidents followed and Dert is now distracting the tiger while Naruto-sama finishes off the bear."Matsuri reports while pulling out a bamboo stick and some blow darts and looks at the tools regretfully. "He also told me to support Dert-san but my skills with these weapons have yet to be refined in training with Naruto-sama."

"No, I don't think you need to refine anything like that." Issei seriously waves his hands in a no gesture while giving the girl a deadpan for even taking the blonde's insane idea of training into consideration.

"Ah..." Dert's voice echoed under the pair and they turned their attention to below the tree. They saw Dert widened his eyes in surprise when he looked up and saw the two and widened some more when he noticed that the tiger saw the two. The man stood there in silence, probably to think of an effective plan to lure the tiger's attention away from the two above and back towards him, as the tiger pounced. He squared his shoulder and bent his knees, as if getting ready to charge, when an orange and yellow blur appeared from the foliage nearby and intercepted the tiger's attack feet to face.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" BAM!

Knocking the tiger completely off of its course, the blonde used his rebounding momentum to flip four times in the air before landing right next to Dert.

"Get ready to bolt to the forest on my mark." The blonde with the shredded orange t-shirt (and surprisingly no injuries) simply said as he gave Dert, Matsuri and Issei a quick once over. "...NOW!"

As if by command, a bear barreled through the same foilage that Naruto jumped out of and crashed into the tiger. The white beast gathered enough sense after Naruto's attack to retaliate against the bear and a fight between forest predators broke loose. Dert immediately circled the tree and ran straight into the woods as Naruto instructed. Matsuri fireman carried Issei and jumped down the tree branch. Issei grunted as he quickly separated from Matsuri and bolted off after Dert with the silverette besides him.

-In the woods-

"...Huff, huff, huff... I think we're safe now." After god knows how long minutes of running, Dert declared the okay mark while leaning against a random tree. Matsuri huffed a sigh of relieve and sat against a tree to gather her breath. Issei all but fell on his butt as he caught on with his much needed oxygen supply. Once the brunette managed a safe enough level, he noticed something grave.

"...Hey, where's Naruto?"

"..." Dert's face became noticeably grim as he turns towards the direction where they came from. "Naruto-san volunteered himself to retrieved an important object of ours."

"Eh?" Issei tried to make sense of the statement. He didn't remember anything that important being with them in the tent... but then again, he didn't pay much attention to the camp. The brunette looks back at Naruto's direction and scrunched up his brows in worry.

"Don't worry Issei-kun, Naruto-sama said that he'll meet up with us at the van." Matsuri pats his shoulder.

"...When'd he tell you that?" Issei looks at the silver haired girl with a questioning look.

"Hmm? You didn't notice him gesturing it with his eyes when he looked at us?" Matsuri looks back at the boy with a questioning look of her own.

"...I must've missed the class that taught us that." Issei rolled his eyes and looked back at Dert. The middle aged man was looking at a compass and a protractor in his hand. He took a sip of his coffee and puts the tools back into his pocket.

"Alright, guess we'll have to end our trip early and go back. If I calculated this correctly, the van is this way." Dert begins walking in a random direction with a resolute face.

"Come, Issei-kun." Matsuri pats his shoulder once more and followed after Dert.

"..." Issei looks at Naruto's direction once more and wished the blonde good luck and safety.

-The van-

Thanks to Dert's expert navigation skills, the group made it back to a familiar dirt path that leads to where the middle aged man had parked his car. It took another half hour before they actually made it to the vehicle but they still made it. The sun was high up in the sky so it must be around afternoon. Issei was the first to spot the white van and practically ran to it in joy. No more walking, huzzah!

When the group got near the van, they all noticed a mop of blonde hair. Naruto stood casually leaning his back against the van with his eyes closed. He twitched when he heard them coming and gave a lazy smile when they were all in sight. Matsuri smiled back and walked to stand besides him. Dert smirked and sipped his coffee. Issei grinned as he saw that the blonde's condition was no worse for wear.

"So did you get it?" Dert asks as he inserts the car keys into the keyhole to unlock the van's door.

"Of course." Naruto turned his lazy smile into a full grown grin and reached into his t-shirt pocket.

"What was it that you were risking your live to get?" Issei asks so that he can finally cool down his curiosity for what it is that the blonde values so much. He spent a good portion of the walk back worrying about the blonde after all. It's only natural to be curious about the object of the worry's worries.

"It can only be this of course. We did spend a good portion of the night playing it." Naruto proudly pulls out a completely unscratched game disk that they played yesterday. Issei's eyebrow twitched and the brunette screamed

"GIVE ME BACK MY WORRY DAMMIT!"

* * *

"SLAM!" The door to Naruto's ramen shop was forcibly pushed open with a loud slamming sound. Naruto and Dert looked up from the latest dating sim that they're trying their hands on and looked at the culprit of the loud distraction. Matsuri sticks her head out of the kitchen's interior in order to see who had caused the loud noise. It didn't take them by surprise to see that the perpetrator was no one other than the missing member of their group, Issei Hyoudou.

They were however, surprise at the sight of the brunette leaning heavily against the door and panting. His clothes were wrinkled and he was lightly perspiring. If one had to guess, he was probably running straight to the shop as soon as school was out. The teen took in two deep breathes and held up a letter that was crumpled within his hands.

"Guess what, the midterms score came back and I don't have to take a retest." The brunette smiles in a semi-hysterical manner as he straightens up from catching his breath. He smoothens the wrinkles on his clothes and practically skips to the table where Naruto and Dert sat.

"So what's the grade?" Naruto quickly saves the dating sim that he and Dert was playing to pay full attention to his friend. Dert sipped his coffee in interest (how'd he even show emotion through sipping coffee?).

"Nah, not yet. I wanted to open it up along with you guys. Cause, y'know, you practically crammed the answers down my throat." Issei sits down at the regular table and thanks Matsuri for giving him a cup of tea at the same moment. The silver haired girl nodded and went to sit by Naruto's side.

"And you're welcome for that." Dert curtly replies.

"Yeah thanks, I appreciated the lack of sleep and the insane amount of coffee you directly injected into me through intravenous therapy." Issei rolled his eyes and tears open the letter. He pulled out three thick sheets of copy paper and spreaded it out onto the table for everyone to read. The first was a letter that states the purpose and other technical stuff of the report card to begin with. Nobody minded the fact that Naruto crumbled it up and threw it away three seconds after reading it. The second was a numerical representation of the grades of each tests in color with each subjects.

Letter: Japanese (96);English (98);Social Studies (94);Mathematics (100);Science (98); Total Grade (486); Rank (3rd of class) / Special Notes: Due to his failing in normal studies, it is more than surprising to see Issei-kun do so well on his tests. This concludes that under the deep exterior of a hooligan lies a studious young man. It is suggested that Mister and Missus Hyoudou attempt to draw out the inner student to appear in a more everyday life manner as opposed to urgent problems such as term tests.

Issei stared at the score with wide eyes of disbelief, Naruto gave a "Ha!" at the special notes the facility decided to give to Issei while thinking that they couldn't be any more wrong, Dert whistles lowly at the ranking while sipping his coffee, and Matsuri did some mental recollection of the problems that Issei might've missed during the test date so that she could tutor it to him next time.

"...How is it possible that I've got such a high grade?" Issei finally found his voice after a moment of silence that followed each grade looker's reaction. He tried to remember the hazy memories that were associated with the test. Though he did accomplished to most of the questions given, there were a few that he was sketchy on but still decided to wing. Matsuri only actively went out of her "encouragement zone" to discreetly help him cheat when he's having too much of a hard time trying to solve a problem (which was only three times, if he remembered correctly). High eighties were what he was expecting, at most.

"It would be surprising if you didn't get such high scores. After all, Matsuri dedicated quite a bit of time for hacking and organizing in order to gather up the study materials you had to go through." Naruto looks at the grades and scowls at the fact that Issei didn't make rank one on this attempt. He made a mental note make the brunette study more efficiently for the next test that's coming in a month or so, the finals.

"Still, for Issei-kun to actually remember his crammed up study materials, maybe the special notes is on to something." Dert smiles as he hints the blonde to _help_ Issei bring out his inner student. Issei caught onto the hint and glares at Dert, at if to tell him to shut up before the blonde gets any idea.

"Anyways, what's this third letter?" Matsuri held up the third piece of paper on the table. It was a letter that was addressed to Issei. Matsuri looked in Issei's direction and the brunette waved his hand to silently allow the girl to read the letter aloud.

(Letter)

_Dear Hyoudou Issei _

_'Congratulations on getting third rank in your class. It is a pleasant surprise to see that a student who's worried us so much do so well on his test. Especially when said student have tied up to the measures of two other student council members whom have received our tutoring. It gives us great pleasure to applaud your efforts to show your academic excellence and show us why you belong to Kuoh Academy._

_On the basis of your excellent test grades, the student council would like to extend a cordial invitation for you to become a member of Kuoh Academy's student council. Here, we will be able to help you in any academic endeavors as well as curbing your capricious habits to make you into a model student._

_We hope that you'll consider this opportunity. _

_Sincerely, student council president Souna Shitori.'_

Issei was once again slack-jawing himself by the time Matsuri finished reading the letter. He was being invited to join the student council? He was being invited by cool and charismatic president of Kuoh Academy to join the student council? Him? The teenage student who gets himself sent to after school detention every other day of the week for peeking was being "cordially invited" to the student council?

"...So you're thinking of joining Issei-kun?" Dert asks as Issei adopted a semi-serious thinking face.

"I don't know... maybe." Issei hesitantly answers the middle aged man's question. "They're only inviting me because I made a good grade on the midterms and gave them the impression that I'm a capable, if lazy, student deep inside. If I join them, I might become a more serious student and it might do me some good. Though, I'm hesitating because feel like I might screw something up. What do you guys think?"

Dert, Naruto and Matsuri then adopted a semi-serious thinking face as well while imagining what would happen if Issei became a part of the student council (Naruto even pulled out a few pieces of paper to draw it out). The female council members would probably quit on the first day. Letters requesting ridiculous things such as a change in dress-code to bunny girl outfits for the female side would increase exponentially. The school buildings being remodeled so that anything female related will have two sided see through glass installed to every wall. The hedges and tree grooming will all be trimmed so that the plants will all have an oppai-ish shape. The name Kuoh Academy will be changed to Oppai Academy and all male students will be indefinitely suspended from the school ground so that Issei can be the only male in the school full of female members onl-

"-Oi! Stop your imagination right there! The first two were possibilities that can happen but everything else is not!" Issei cuts into the image that Naruto's drawing for Dert and Matsuri. He understands that he might be a bit of a deviant but to have such an descriptive image drawn of him like that... he's not that perverted right? Right?

"...I don't know Issei-kun, I can actually see this happening." Dert rubs his chin while looking at a hand drawn picture of a construction team breaking down the female bathroom walls and replacing it with glass panels, there was a flag with Issei's name waving around in the background.

"...Dert."

"I'm sorry Issei-kun but I cannot see anything else other than this happening if you were to hold a position of power." Matsuri flips to a page that shows Issei laughing manically on a throne over a group of teenage girls wearing bunny uniform.

"...Matsuri?"

"Give it up and lose all hopes of joining Issei. An oppai-lover like you have no place in an organization as prestigious as the student council. It'll only end up destroying civilization." Naruto pats his brunette friend on the shoulder. Issei turned around to see Naruto holding up four pages of connected pictures showing a world where everything was in ruins and the only survivor was Issei with nothing but a pair of striped panties in his hands.

"GUH! THAT'S TOO MUCH DAMMIT! I'M NOT THAT MUCH OF AN OPEN PERVERT!" Issei broke down immediately as Naruto deals the last blow. Pervert or not, it still hurts to be accuse of being one in front of everybody. It's more of a painful blow when everybody wholly agrees with it. With the last straw smashed to fine powdered smithereens, Issei ran out of the ramen shop in tears while Naruto and Dert followed him out the door yelling "Wait up oppai! It was a joke!" and "Oppai-kun! We were just kidding!" One could literally hear the palpable enjoyment coming from their voice as Issei only ran faster.

* * *

It was a long time since the faithful night when he had awoken in an unfamiliar forest. He was now sitting at the edge of a cliff, watching the beautiful scene of a luscious green forest and a roaring waterfall. It reminded him of his precious home... and it reminded him of his guilt.

At first, he would think of the beautiful village hidden in the leafs everyday and every night, in every moment of his conscious thoughts. Whether he was focusing on information gathering about the new world with his clones or making a fake/real identity, his first and foremost thought would always be about his friends and the hidden village they reside in.

How were they faring with the reconstruction of their home. Are they still at peace and in alliance with the other villages? How were his friends and allies doing? How were Kakashi-sensei and Sakura-chan coping with the after effects of war? Did Sasuke ever returned to the village? Was Sasuke even alive? The blonde's last moment with the bastard was when they were free-falling through the air. The blonde fell through the accursed Rabbit Princess's tunnel and landed on the grounds of the forest with no momentum but Sasuke didn't. Was the raven haired teen okay? Was Hinata okay? Was Fuzzy Brow-sensei okay? His Six Path Sage Mode's Yang healing technique was rough patchwork at most. Was Teuchi and Ayame okay? Did they evacuate in time with the other civilians? Was Ichiraku's ramen shop rebuilt by now?

It was a number of small and disjointed thoughts but he had thought of them everyday and every night. Soon though, this changed. Everyday became every other day and every night became every other night. Then every other day and every other night became every other week, then months, and now, a year. He had noticed this too late. He feared that he has lost the love he held for the village, however small the lost was. The village became a second priority on his mental list, then a third, then a fourth, and then near the bottom.

The village in the leafs became a distant memory since he knew he couldn't return. It stopped being the one most important thing to the blonde. It disappeared from his mind like a fog that has been lifted by the sun. That was the cause of his guilt. He has outgrown his most beloved home. He has moved on from his one home. To him, it has become a thing of the past. His home was gone. And he was stuck here.

The blonde made a decision.

The week after that decision, Uzumaki's Ramen shop opened. The blonde made a new home for himself and found new friends. The leaf's Naruto is gone, only a memory that he'll hold to his dying breath. But now, all that is left is this Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki of Earth. And he is sure to protect the home that he's built here and the friends that he's made, just like he did with his last. This is his will, his Will of Fire.

* * *

"Class, please turn to page fifty three. Matsuda-kun can you read the third paragraph for me?" Dert finishes writing a sentence in English on the chalkboard and calls out a random name from the attendance roster. Matsuda dutifully reads the paragraph in amazingly butchered English as Dert walks up and down the rows trying to imitate what a normal teacher would do.

Issei stares out the window and sighs for not the last time of this day. The brunette looks back to his textbook to allocate where his bald friend is reading in the text and lets his mind wanders off some more. First period, it was his normal teacher teaching social studies. Second period, it was an older looking Matsuri with light make up and an extra batch of Bro-ness to teach science. Now it was third period and Dert decides to jump in to teach English. If this is continued, then that blonde will be next to teach math. He sigh again as he figured that Naruto's probably wandering around the school somewhere, no doubt causing some sort of ridiculous trouble aimed at him.

The brunette briefly sighs aloud under his breath and read the text that Dert has assigned to him in the half-baked English skills that the man had once drilled him in. Not for the first time in a long while, the brunette thinks to himself

_'Seriously, what's wrong with this school's staff management system? Does this school hire anyone who signs up for an attempt at the teacher's job?'_

* * *

The air within the student council office was suffocating. Everyone within the room has stopped moving not too long ago. They were too fearful to even twitch. There were only two people who had the freedom to move. The first was a blonde as he leaned back into his seat while he glares at the girl before him. The second was the girl as she finishes signing a document on her desk. The girl sighs aloud, or, at least enough for the man glaring at her to hear. She slowly puts down her pen and raises her head to look at the threatening person sitting in front of her.

"Is there anything I can help you with ?"

"...Stay away from Hyoudou Issei."

The statement made Sona raised an eyebrow fractionally. The name Hyoudou Issei rang a bell. The boy is a first year at Kuoh Academy who somehow got in by the bare minimum grade for the registration exam. He is a potential sacred gear holder that she and Rias had accidentally found not so long ago at the Sanno Festival. He is a hoodlum who likes causing perverse troubles but apparently have a high level of intellect, if his midterms grade were anything to go by. He is, by all means, only a little above a regular teenage boy with no background involving the supernatural world besides the gear in his body.

_'But Apparently the last piece of information is wrong...'_ Sona Sitri inwardly scowl as she tries to identify the being before her. The blonde was too holy to be a devil yet too unholy to be an angel or even their fallen counterparts, the fallen angels. The blonde's magic system were too nonvolatile to be that of a youkai's yet far too develop to be a human's or even a mage. The magic system is too strong, too powerful for her to measure with just her sixth sense alone. Just trying to discern his status, whether it be holy or unholy, already gives her a headache far worse than any she's experience since coming to this school. _'Who is this blonde... what is this blonde.'_

"I have trouble discerning what your intentions are." Leaving the blonde's identity aside, she continues scoping out for his intent and purpose of being here. The man literally showed up out of thin air and oppressed everyone in the room with sheer malice alone. If he is here about Hyoudou Issei, then that means he has found out about the letter sent to him. Is this man also someone who is after the power of the sacred gear?

"You are perfectly aware of what I'm talking about, _non-human-_" He hissed out the last syllables. One of his cold blue eyes changed into a bloody crimson hue with a pitch black slit as it's pupil. Sona could visibly see the tension increasing as her peerage failed to contain their flinches and shivers but she couldn't feel anything, most likely the blonde's attempt to allow her to at least be able to talk. "-We both know you are not interest in him but what's _inside_ of him. I warn you, stay away."

"...What power do you have to be ordering me." She is perfectly aware of the blonde's power and his claim on the boy, Hyoudou Issei, but she still must ascertain who this blonde is and whom he works for. For all she knows, this person might be a devil, an angel (she highly doubted this, due to his overwhelming hostility and killing intent), a fallen angel, a youkai or even a god. An unknown enemy in her (and technically Rias') territory is bad. An unknown enemy that her information source have no records of is even worse.

The blonde growled and for a moment, she felt the pressure he exerted over everyone else in the room. True, it was extremely overbearing and deeply menacing but there was something else in it. A trace of terrible malice that neither shows in Angels, Fallen Angels or Devil. A trace of pent up madness that shows in the youkai race. Something clicked within her mind. Rias' warning about the the youkai association making a base in Tokyo. In other words, Hyoudou Issei is already claimed by the youkais.

"...I understand, _I_ will not make any attempt to entangle Hyoudou Issei within the supernatural world. Is that satisfactory?" She inwardly sighs when the blonde grunted his approval and disappeared the same way he appeared, out of thin air. There was no teleportation circle or even a trace of magic being used but the blonde's presence completely disappeared from everyone in the room's senses. She rubbed her temples as she asked her slightly disoriented vice president and queen, Tsubaki, to get her childhood friend, Rias. It would not do well for the redhead to draw the aggravation of the neutral youkai association into the three factions that are already feral for each other's blood.

* * *

"...Do you think that will be enough Kuruma?"

**"...I doubt it...Isn't that why... you gave the perverse brat a goudama?... For protection?"**

"Somehow, I fear that isn't enough."

**"...You can't keep watch on him... for every moment... of the day... This is all... you can do."**

"Then that means I still haven't done enough to protect my friend."

**"...Stop worrying brat... Isn't it your motto... to deal with the problems... as they come?"**

"...Yeah, I guess I'm worrying for nothing. Thanks Kurama."

**"...Hn...ZZZ..."**

"Hehehe, deal with it as they come huh?" Naruto puts on a rueful smile. "Guess I really shouldn't bother worrying. Now then, I think lunch is about to start soon, I better find a good spot to eat."

* * *

-One Random Night-

"Uhhh, are you sure we should be doing this?" Issei asks for the xth time that day as he looks out from behind a dead light pole that he's hiding under.

"The question is, why haven't we done this earlier!" Naruto harshly whispers back as he huddles up against the walls of an alleyway near Issei's light pole. It really didn't work out for him as his "ninja garb" is bright neon orange jumpsuit.

"Naruto-sama, the coast is clear. I've manage to infiltrate this block's camara systems and am now replaying the scenes from ten minutes back. You are now free of all electronic surveillance." Matsuri's slightly static voice spoke through the blonde's and brunette's earpiece. The girl herself was dressed in her normal wear back in the Uzumaki's Ramen shack with a laptop running random codes on the screen and a headset on her head.

"Good job Matsuri. Issei lets go." Naruto jumps out of the alleyway and immediately moves towards the place of target. He weaves himself in and out of the lights and shadows and kept his body moving at a low angle, becoming nothing more than a blur, a really bright orange blur but a blur nevertheless.

"..." Issei gives his blonde friend a deadpanned look and walked after him, abandoning all pretense of trying to hide himself in the darkness of the night. When he finally made it to where his friend stopped at, he sees the blonde intensely studying an electronic lock. "Hm, that looks hard to crack. Is Matsuri going to put her hand on that too?"

"...No, this is a model that I'm familiar with. I know exactly how to crack it open." the blonde mutters aloud to Issei before getting on his knees and lugging off his neon orange backpack. He rummages through the weighty pack before pulling out... a mallet.

"WAIT! STOP! STOPPPP!" Issei jumps forward and holds Naruto's arms back as the blonde made the motion to swing the chunk of metal on a stick towards the electronic lock. Once he's ascertained that Naruto was not going to attempt to scrap the piece of technology, he immediately scolds the blonde in a hushed tone.

"What the hell are you thinking?! Do you want to get us arrested? No wait, this whole plan is going to get us arrested to begin with, but do you want to add more to our already growing list of criminal charges?!"

"..?" Naruto tilts his head at Issei's action before looking down at the mallet and widened his eyes in understanding. "Ah, you misunderstood Issei. I wasn't planning on breaking in that way. Here, look." He slowly puts one of the mallet's faces near the lock again and watched as the tool Dert gave them earlier for their mission worked its charm.

"Wha-" Issei watched in awed as the unassuming mallet within his blonde friend's hand started humming and clicking mechanically. The side that was facing the lock opened up and began shooting some sort of blue light-laser for a few seconds. It stopped when a beep resounded from somewhere inside the machine. Something inside the lock beeped as well and a click could be heard immediately afterwards. Naruto reaches his hand at the handle of the door and gently twisted it to test if the "mallet" did its job.

"..." Seeing no problems occurring, Naruto nodded to Issei before swiftly opening the door and rush inwards. Issei sighs again and follows the blonde while silently whispering "Sorry for the intrusion..." It's not exactly the right thing to say at this moment but it's the feelings that counts after all.

The place that the pair is raiding has eight newly polished tables within it, neatly organized for efficient traveling and a marble counter near the left-middle area. Each table has an open box on it that holds chopsticks and spoons. There were posters of food being displayed in a beautiful manner and red price tags on them littered all over the walls. The air smells like Naruto's breath after lunch break.

Yup, it's just as Matsuri briefed to him. They really are raiding a fellow ramen shop. Reasons? Naruto's claim in that this newly opened shop has been stealing his hard earned customers through cheap tactics and he's here to put a stop to it. Issei claims that this whole pursuit is complete bullshit but further discussions were denied by President Dert (via age seniority, another thing that Issei called bullshit on) until the next meeting which is scheduled for "Somewhen next year on the 13th of never".

Issei followed the blonde as he sneaks behind the counter and walks into the kitchen area. From his own experience of raiding Naruto's kitchen, he would deem that the place is around the same size if not, slightly bigger. He spotted Naruto not so cautiously tossing aside some pots, pans, utensils and kitchen ware in order to look through every drawer and cabinets he sees.

"...Ah-hah! I have found the book that holds their secrets! Issei let us be gone before they realize our presence here!" Naruto opens the kitchen window and jumps out of it, leaving a complete mess of what was once a respectable kitchen. Seeing as he already made enough of a mess today just by following Naruto, the brunette felt that another deed undone wouldn't really tip his karma scale. Issei immediately follows Naruto out of the window not a second later.

-In Naruto's and Matsuri's Room-

"So this is the book that holds all their secrets..." Naruto says as he roughly flops down a nondescript brown journal on the only low lying table in the room.

"...It looks more like an ordinary accounting booklet to me..." Issei, who's sitting across from Naruto, skims through the book for anything important looking and only found a list of ramen ingredients and their prices. Judging from Naruto's intelligence (insanity) level however, Issei wouldn't put it pass the blonde to actually be able to make some sense out of this.

"Ah, that's where you're right and oh so wrong Issei. Nothing is ordinary if you look underneath the underneath." Naruto folded one arm underneath his chest while having the other one nudge up the glasses on his nose (when'd he put that on?) so that the light shines off of them and hides his eyes.

"...Unless this booklet turns into pornmag starring Kieko Kigatawa, I'm not willing to go through the trouble of trying to understand any of your cryptic mumbo-jumbo."

"Ah, what Naruto-sama is trying to say is that there is always a deeper meaning to everything, even when it is something as ordinary as this notebook. If we are to trace the ingredients that are used to entice our customers away, we might be able to find a way to bring them back... I think." Matsuri sets down three cups of tea in front of everyone in the room, Dert having left earlier due to some important work and sat next to Naruto.

"That's exactly right Matsuri! Now then, without further ado, Issei! Read off the list!" The blonde pats Matsuri's head and exasperatingly points at Issei with the command.

"Yeah yeah, let's just get this over with. Lets see now..." Issei rolls his eyes and turned to the first page so that he could read it aloud. "February twenty-third/ Supplies order delivered/ Four large bags of flour, fifty pounds of organic beef, pork and poultry, four boxes of freshly packaged eggs, two fresh immigrant slaves, ten pound of salt, pepper and assorted spices, ten packaged boxes of Momma Yum Yum's special broth, fifteen pounds of seaweed, twenty pounds of fish, shrimp, scallops and assorted seafood,four pounds of "Love", ten pounds of beans and corns, thirty sticks of fresh butter and three boxes of menma."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Matsuri, can you reread this list again to see if I'm reading this right? I'm sure that the lack of sleep on a school night is getting to me." Issei pushes the journal to Matsuri who gingerly takes it up and reads it twice more, once in her head and once aloud.

The list did not change. The questionable items were still there. Before anyone could've said anything, Matsuri took the initiative. and flipped the page and reads the next entry. It is roughly the same as the first page with a few numerical changes for the shipping quantity and prices. The silverette continues to clearly read out the next page with furrowed eyebrows. She then turns the page once more, this time not even pausing, to read again, and again, and again, and again til the journal had no more entries.

Each memo reviews another little stain in the shop's history. Human trafficking, illegal organ dealing, drug trading, black market auctioning, weapon transaction and many other not so hidden secrets.

As the girl continued to read, Issei grew paler and paler as the fact that this is clearly not a badly made joke starts clicking in. Once the silver haired girl stopped talking, he glances sideways at Naruto to see the blonde wearing a deadly serious expression. The blonde was silent for a moment before standing up and walks to his closet. From it, he pulls out a big sports bag with heavy items already inside. He also takes out a small box and pulls a pin out from it. He carefully puts on the pin and lugs the heavy bag on his shoulder while pulling out his phone and dials a number.

"Matsuri, get a guest futon for Issei and get some sleep, I'll be back later." As the blonde closes the door, Issei caught sight of the pin or rather, the badge. It was an intricately designed badge with the letters NPA underneath it. The symbol for the national police agency of Japan. Issei was completely silenced at discovering that fact, his brain overloaded with too many questions.

Both he and Matsuri sat there for a small while before the girl stood up as well and walks towards the only door in the room.

"Matsuri?" Issei manages to asks as he stares at her while she passes him and reaches for the handle. "Where are you going?"

"...I'm following Naruto-sama, you've heard the entries too haven't you Issei-kun? It had an extensive list of weapons in it. I at least want to make sure that Naruto-sama will be fine with my own eyes rather then over a phone."

"...It's dangerous." Issei whispers as an image of his blonde friend being fatally injured and hospitalized flashes through his mind.

"I know. That's exactly why I wish to see Naruto-sama safe and sound with my own eyes rather than waiting in slow, mind-numbing patience." With her piece said, she opens the door and walks out.

"..." Before the door could've completely close, Issei stood up and pushed it aside once more. He twisted the lower handle's lock and closes the door, hoping that the upper lock wouldn't be needed. He turns from the door and made it to the stairs to find Matsuri standing at the bottom, waiting for him. The brunette smiles briefly at how she seems to knows him so well and ran downstairs to follow after Naruto.

-The Other Ramen Shop-

Issei looks out from behind the walls of where Naruto had hidden earlier. Matsuri is hiding behind the light pole that he had took up before. The ramen shop that he and Naruto had invaded earlier is completely empty of all signs of trouble. The door is closed, the lights are out and even the electric lock looks like it is functioning as it should be.

"It doesn't seem like Naruto's here yet." The brunette whispers out to the girl. He turns around and sees that she's quickly tapping away at something on a black electronic pad. He saw numbers and random letters before the screen blacks out and a video started playing. The video shows a five blurry shapes walk into the ramen shop. The first one had a mop of blonde hair so he was obviously Naruto but Issei couldn't make out who the others are. He guessed that they are the ones that Naruto called to help him.

"No, Naruto-sama went in earlier with his helpers but no signs of any activity is recorded after this..." Matsuri furrows her eyebrow in worry and exited the video screen to type up for anything that could tell them more.

"...Should we go in?" Issei asks as he sees his silver haired friend getting no results for her efforts (judging from her unchanging frown).

"That could possibly be the only way..." Matsuri tch'ed and puts the tablet back in her handbag. She adamantly walks up to the ramen shop and Issei quickly follows the strangely passive-aggressive girl.

Once they got to the door, Issei decided that he should be the one to go first and the brown haired boy reached for the handle. It was unlocked, which wasn't really that strange since Naruto came in earlier. He carefully pushes the door open and jumps back when it pulls itself forward, without his help. He lets go of the handle to pull back when he feels a strong grip on his shoulder. It was a grip that he was well acquainted with. It was Matsuri's signature "Anything for Naruto-sama *insert smile*" grip. Before he could turn around, the silver haired girl pushes him forward and straight through the open door.

Issei yelps as he feels himself getting grabbed from the shirt collar and roughly dragged into the darkness involuntarily. He was roughly spun around and then pushed on his butt into a wooden chair by the mysterious hand. The brunette instinctively tries to get up but he was then pushed once more backwards on the chair. The chair is stopped a moment later and before Issei even squeak at the impact, he was roughly blindfolded.

It was only around now that he starts hyperventilating. His brain is completely overloaded with what's happening so far and he has no way of processing any if what's happening to him, besides the fact that he's being manhandled. From the edge of his blindfold, he could see darkness taking on a brighter tone and figures that the light must have been turned on. A few shuffling noises could be heard around him and he hears someone taking a decisive step behind his back, which is glued to the chair. He feels a pair of hand undo the knot for his blindfold. As he feels the blindfold lower from his eyes, he squints and-

BANG! PFFTHRUUU! BANG! BANG! BANG! "HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISSEI!"

-Jumps back in surprise once more as a cacophony of noises exploded around him. He blinks and see the ramen shop is now decorated everywhere. The door has a banner that says "Happy Late Birthday!" The tables stacked together into a bigger table with wrapped boxes and a birthday cake in the middle. There were birthday balloons and confetti floating around everywhere. Strangely enough, there was also a realistic statue of a napping nine-tailed fox in the corner of the room with a party hat strapped on its head.

Issei blinks again and looks at the faces of the people in the room. The first one he saw was Naruto as the blonde smiled goofily and popped another party popper in Isse's face. He sees Dert sitting at the table sipping coffee and blowing on a party horn. He sees his parents sitting next to the middle aged man while smiling almost as widely as Naruto was. His mother snapped a picture with the camera in her hand. Matsuda and Motohama standing off to the side of the counter and giving him a mischievous grin. He turns around to see the person holding his shoulder and sees Matsuri smiling down at him almost apologetically.

"Wha-?" He blinks again and after a moment, another one before something clicks in his head. It was a surprise party for someone's birthday. It was his birthday today. This is a surprise party... for his birthday. "Ding"

"THIS IS TOO MUCH DAMMIT!" Issei sheds his tears and cries aloud, whether it was out of anger or happiness, even he did not know. Either way, he refused to talked again for ten minutes until Dert gave him his present as an appeasement offering.

Naruto's birthday ramen cake tasted surprisingly good, not that he told the blonde. He was still mad at the damned whiskered teen for giving him an almost-heart attack. Really, to celebrate his birthday that passed months ago. What was the blonde thinking?

* * *

AN

Idiot #1: Welcome back to another belated and marshmallowful chapter of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef"!

Idiot #2: To start this off, #3! What do we have today for our amazingly beloved fans whom are willing to scourge their eyes reading this crap!

Idiot #3: More news in euphemism about us being lazy bastards!

Idiot #1: Stand back bros, I got this. Ahem, we are currently working very hard on making the next chapter of this fanfiction. Though it might be slowed due to RL, we really do intend to give this our fullest undivided atten- ooh a butterfly.

Idiot #2: Alright, cut! Perfect. Now insert some comment so that we can spike up our word count #3!

Idiot #3: We're a bunch of idiots!

Idiot #1: Yes, yes you guys are.

Idiot #2 and #3: OI!

Idiot #1: No seriously, is there no news this time. I'm pretty sure we're pissing someone, if not everyone, off for wasting their time as they read this crap.

Idiot #2: Hmmm... OH! Hey! I got one! Awesome readers out there! Can anyone suggest things that normal highschoolers do these days? We're literally getting our ideas from an ouija board and a decaying rat's skull (or a hamster's skull we're not exactly sure on the details). While it works amazingly well, the satanic persuasions are starting to get to us... wait a minute, we're writing a fanfic about satanism already...huh.

Idiot #3: We would appreciate any ideas and suggestions.

Idiot #1: And seriously, we're sorry for being so late. You'd expect three people working on this to be faster but nope.

Idiot 1,2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	5. Insert: Nyan Ramen

My stomach growls to show its hunger just as my latest client happily closes his door. I rub my stomach as a wave of hunger spreads through my body and was about to summon a teleportation circle to bring me back to the clubroom when I remember that there is no more snacks waiting for me there. With that thought in mind, I descend the flight of stairs and walk to the market area that is nearby.

I probably could've waited until after I've made the report to my king that I have finished my mission but the red haired devil was never one to hold onto strict rules. A little violation now wouldn't cause me much trouble.

Like that, I wander through the marketplace, looking around for a convenience store of sorts to buy some snacks from or maybe a shop that might have something appetizing to eat. I have never been in this particular part of town before since my apartment is on the other side of Kuoh Academy's Middle School Division.

My stomach growls once more and I decide that I must hurry. I tilt my head slightly higher than normal to take small sniffs of the air. I facilitated any strong smells from the weaker ones as well as differentiate any good smell from the bad ones. After a moment, my eyes widen a bit as I caught onto a most delectable scent.

It is spicy yet mild, strong yet subtle, salty yet sweet and so much more. As I wander towards the smell after locking onto the scent, it leads me to what looks like a run of the mill ramen shop. The shop has nothing special looking about itself for such a wonderful smelling concoction to resides within but I trust my nose and my nose tells me to go in.

I reach for the door and walk into the ramen shop, Uzumaki Ramen.

The inside of the shop is as generic as the outside. There are tables lined up efficiently to make enough room for the customers and anyone walking in between. There is a counter in the right hand side that leads to some stairs and the kitchen area. There is a potted plant somehow thriving in the corner with no sunlight reaching it. Overall, everything about this place is about as generic as it can get. Well, except for a certain table near the end of the shop.

The table is close to the only television in the room (a surprisingly big one at that) and it was moved out of symmetry with all the other tables. Residing in it is a strange group of people. The first and most noticeable is an old teen with golden hair. He has on an apron and a rolled up sleeves shirt. In his hands is a game remote and on his face was a scowl aimed at the television.

Next to him is the second most noticeable person. A girl that looks to be in her late teens as well with flowing silver hair. The girl has on the same apron as the golden haired boy and a serene smile on her face as she sips her tea.

To the girl's right is yet another teen, though, this one looks a bit younger. Perhaps the same age as the knight of my group. The brunette boy has on the same uniform as well, what a coincidence. The younger teen is scratching his head with a pencil as he works on a stack of paper on his side of the desk while sometimes glancing at the blonde teen and saying some things before returning to work. Did the high school division of Kuoh Academy give out that much homework? I do not remember the knight doing so much paperwork.

On the opposite side of the brunette teen is a middle age man reading a newspaper, though... his presence seems to be strange. He is human but at the same time... he seems like a human replicating a human? The man smells like a human, looks like a human and seems to be, in all sense of the word, human. Yet the word human does not fit him. I blink as the man slowly turns towards me and any further thought leaves my mind.

I gently close the door only for the bell on top to jingle and get the table's occupants to notice me. The golden haired teen stands up and gently pushes the silver haired girl down with a smile as she too made to stand up. He walks towards the door with a professional smile and ushers me to a seat before asking me for my orders. I look at him for a stretched moment while trying to decide what flavor that delicious smell could be when something in the teen's eyes flashes and he grins, making some extremely light marks on his cheek become more apparent.

He tells me that he knows exactly what I would like and went to the kitchen before I could get a chance to say anything. As I waited, I take a look at the table again to see that everyone returned to doing what they were doing before the blonde got up. Though, the face the silver haired girl is making as she tries the game is quite amusing. Five minutes later, the blonde returns with a steaming bowl of ramen and a glass of water.

I gulp loudly as the teen sets down the bowl and immediately digs in as his hand leaves. The ramen is beyond any doubt of the word, delicious. Everything about it is perfect because it literally has everything that could make it perfect. The broth, the condiments, the very noodles itself, all of it is without doubt, delicious.

By the time I become aware of myself again, the bowl laid empty before me and the blonde was coming back with another bowl. I somehow managed to thank the blonde in between bites... probably. After that bowl is demolished, I jump onto another... and then another. It is by the end of the sixth bowl that I had to consciously stop myself from eating more. Because it is so perfect, the ramen is probably pricy and I only have so much pocket money.

Taking the last gulp of the broth, I stare solemnly at the bowl before standing up and walking to the cash register. As he rings up the amount due, I asks him what the name of the ramen was and he answers "Kitsune Special" while giving me a vulpine grin. I blink in surprise at the name and looks at his face before internally admitting that name does fit the dish, since its chef has such a smile.

He gives me my receipt and I stare at it for a prolonged moment before looking back up and giving him a questioning look, the price is surprisingly... cheap. He wrinkles one of his brows and asks if something was wrong to which I shook my head and reach to take out my wallet. As I pull out the necessary amount of money, I asks if I could buy another Kitsune Ramen to take home. The blonde's grin came back full force and he pulls out a paper bag from under the counter that smells like the delectable ramen. As expected of a professional chef, to be able to read the customer so precisely.

I gladly paid for the to go bag as well and leave the shop with an extra skip to my step.

* * *

After the first visit, I returned to the shop multiple other times and each time, the blonde would slowly usher me closer and closer to the last table before, somehow or another, I ended up sitting with them as I ate my meals. Was it because I come at odd hours and its easier to cater me if I'm close by? Was it because everyone just want another member to the group and I'm the most closest one? Was it because I secretly want to join in the fun that they seem to have so much of? Whatever the case, I joined the little group, sitting next to the classmate (or is it yearmate) of my Peerage's knight, Issei, and the shop's silver haired waitress, Matsuri.

"Ahem... Everyone, I have an announcement." The blonde ramen chef sitting besides Matsuri, Naruto, soberly declares while he continues to put his focus into the game before him. Everyone stops what they were doing and looks at the blonde. The middle aged man, Dert, puts away his newspaper and sips his coffee as he waits for the news. Issei pushes aside his homework and looks at Naruto questionably. Matsuri looks at the blonde next to her with patience and I slurp down the remainder of my bowl of ramen before turning my head towards the blonde.

"..." The blonde took a moment to save his current progress on the game and puts down his remote before standing up and out of his seat. He takes a step back and rectifies himself into full height before commandingly saying "The ramen shop is not getting enough customers, therefore, we will now start to actively attract them. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions?"

"...We could try to pass out some fliers." Matsuri was the first to suggest something, even though it's a pretty mundane idea.

"I have done that already. Once a week, I post up posters and fliers that advertises the shop. The results is as you see before you." Naruto shakes his head as a negative and spreads his right hand to present the ever-empty shop.

"...How bout we go to make a few signs and wave them around in crowded streets. There's bound to be someone who'll notice that right?" Issei was the next to suggest an idea but it was immediately shot down and rejected when Naruto says "Then would you be the one to wave around that sign?"

"..." Another moment passed and finally, I come up with the most logical idea for getting attention. "...Commercial advertisement..?"

"...Hmmm, that could work. I've got a friend in the commercial industry that I could call for an open slot but then, we are missing the filming equipments..." Naruto contemplated the idea and confirmed that it's doable but he's also missing some items. It is at this point that Dert enters the conversation by slamming a thick suitcase onto the table.

"Well would you look at that. My company just so happened to have been making some portable and efficient filming devices and they gave some to me to test it out as a trial run." The middle aged man opens up his suitcase to behold brand new, shiny devices.

"Huh, good job Dert. Well then, let's go guys! I want to finish this by the end of today!" Deciding that making a commercial is the plan to take, Naruto pulls out a notebook and starts writing something before walking out the door.

"...The sign was a good idea too..." Issei sulks as he puts his homework into his backpack and leaves it sitting next to the television stand before following after Naruto.

"Hmmm..." Dert closes his suitcase and glides out of the shop while sipping his coffee.

"Ah, wait. We must close the shop up first, Naruto-sama!" Matsuri quickly turns off the stoves, pushes in the chairs and cleans up the mess that has been made that day in record speed before grabbing a handbag from behind the counter and follows the group out.

"..." I quietly stand at the entrance, not exactly sure what to do before Matsuri grabs my hand and jog to catch up to the group. The silver haired girl gives me a small smile when I give her a questioning look. It was a smile that says "please go along with it".

-At a Random Park-

It took ten minutes for the group to make it to the park where Naruto wanted to do the filming, another five minutes for everyone to get their lines and a last five minutes to get everyone into the costumes of their roles (which dubiously came from Matsuri's handbag).

Naruto's ten minute masterpiece, which he wrote while making it to the park, is a one minute video about a villain, Derty Instant Ramen (aka Dert, wearing a cape that's held together by a bag of instant ramen), trying to rule the world with instant ramen. To do so, he must defeat the hero of homemade ramen, Bramen Rider Red (aka Issei, wearing a bra on his head and a vizor + armors made out of noodle flour). A fight occurs and as Bramen Rider Red is about to be defeated, he is saved by the hero of store made ramen, Uzumaki Ramenyan (aka me, wearing a pair of white cat ears and a narutomaki hair clip). Together, Bramen and Ramenyan defeats Derty and saves the world from instant ramen induced apocalypse.

Everyone, including myself and Matsuri, gives the blonde a dubious look for his so called "masterpiece of a script" and very nearly left before he offers up free ramen of any flavor for a week. We decided to go along with it and got into our roles. Naruto became the director, editor and stage preparation personnel while Matsuri became the person to write down cue cards for what we'll have to say. The script is surprisingly detailed for such a weird plot.

"Alright! Everyone get ready! We'll take this in one take! Dert, start evilling up! Issei keep looking like normal! You got the perfect look of defeat on you!" Sitting in a lawn chair with Matsuri holding up a big whiteboard behind his back, Naruto pulls out a megaphone and tells everyone to get into position. Issei sent the blonde a dark look but otherwise did what he was told, nothing. "Annnnnddddd~ Action!"

"MUAHAHAHA! Today shall be your last, Bramen Rider Red!" Dert extravagantly flaps his cape and holds out his hand.

"Guh! Not yet it's not Derty Instant Ramen!" While saying his line, Issei took a step forward like his script told him to and... blew up.

I stare in surprise as the brunette squawks and flies a couple meters into the air before landing in a soft patch of grass and blowing up again. I hear a click behind me and turn around to see a madly grinning Naruto holding a switch that he clicks on periodically. Each clicks corresponds with an explosion as the script continues. By the time it was my turn to enter the scene, Issei is literally smoking from his entire body, though, he didn't looked hurt at all. Effect explosions maybe?

"HAHAHAHA! This is it, die Bramen Rider Red!" Dert makes another extravagant flap of his cloak and raises his hand towards Issei's direction when I take step in between with arms crossed in front of me. Though I expected it, I couldn't help but tighten my muscles like my training tells me to do as the ground before me blows up from the fake explosion. I felt nothing but a breeze passing by me but the ground tells a different story. Truly, Naruto is a genius at blowing things up.

"...Stop..." As the smokescreen dramatically gets blown away by a random breeze, I am shown to be gallantly standing before a heavy breathing and smoking Issei.

"You stopped my attack? You, who are you?" Dert's cape starts draping itself over him as he scowls at me and Issei.

"...Uzumaki Ramenyan..." Lightly blushing at the weird name I'm calling myself, I lean back into my boxing stance and await the next scene.

"No, it couldn't be, the Uzumaki Ramenyan of XXX Street on the corner of XXX whose phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX and is open for business at the convenient hours of six a.m. to eight p.m?!" Dert takes a horrified step backwards and says his lines perfectly without breaking facade. Even I was struggling to look at him directly without giggling. From behind me, me gave a loud snort and starts rolling around on the ground laughing loudly.

"...Yes..." Failing at keeping my voice from quivering, I said my lines and actually thanked Naruto for giving me one word dialogues.

"Kuh, even you shall not stop me from my plans!" Dert screams aloud and charges. I pushed forward and met the surprisingly agile man in combat. Issei finally gets up from laughing and joins the fray a minute afterwards, turning the artistic sequence of blocking, dodging and attacking into an all out brawl. I couldn't help but giggle very quietly when Naruto, with his vulpine grin, blew us up and joins in himself after screaming "cut!" into his megaphone.

The rest of the afternoon was spent on us dragging each other back to the shop (only Issei needed the dragging really) and letting Matsuri bandage any scratches we might have had earned.

Naruto allowed us exclusive views of the final draft a few days later and instead of being a commercial, it turned into an a full length video called "Ramen Days" that Naruto posted up on MeTube for fun. It turned out to be surprisingly popular as I found out later when my classmates starts pestering me to make more. Naruto and I also got more clients out of the deal as well so it was a win win situation.

* * *

The clubroom is closed today due to Rias having to go to hell to meet her parents. Akeno joined her in the trip and Kiba went out of town to do something. Therefore, since I have nothing to do, I decided to go to the place where I've recently took up to loitering in, Uzumaki Ramen.

As I leave the middle school division and got to the high school divisions, where the gates are closer to the market place than the middle school division's, I see a familiar head of brown hair among two others. I curiously stalk closer and see that it definitely is Issei, though, he is busy doing something with two of his classmates.

Not wanting to bother them but also curious as to what he's doing, I hid behind a nearby tree and watch from the shadows. The trio quickly pace to a certain point at the school building before walking to a window in the wall and tiptoed themselves up to look into. With my enhanced senses, I picked up the noise of giggling, very... perverse giggling and I immediately figured out what the trio was doing.

"...Issei-sempai... pervert." I deadpan to myself and without looking any further into this event, I walk off and follow the path that I had been taking before. A few moments later, I hear the screams of many angry girls, the smacks and thuds of shinais on skin and three differently pitched shrieks of agony. I smile a bit when I finally figure out why Issei sometimes would limp or have a bruise on his face.

As I make it to the front of the high school division's building, I caught sight of another familiar head of hair. This one however, is longer and far too styled to be the same as the one in my memory, it must be a coincidence. The closer I walk towards the figure though, the more unsure I become of myself.

The person that I am looking at is without a doubt, Naruto, but at the same time, this person cannot be Naruto. The reason? Naruto Uzumaki is a male and this person is strictly female. From looks to smell to the very pheromone this person reeks of, she is without doubt, female. At the same time however, she has the same sunny aura as the blonde in my memory. She has that slight ramen flavored tang to her scent as that of the male blonde. She has the same vulpine grin on her face as when he casually smirks and the same glint in her blue eyes as when he's about to cause mischief. Simply put, this woman is also without doubt, Naruto.

I pause a few steps behind the woman as I confusedly decide on her identity. As if she could sense me, the woman turns around as she looks up from the stack of paper she was grinning at. She has on a momentary look of questioning before her grin returns with a vengeance, aimed at me.

"Yo, Ramenyan-chan, what're you doing here? A little far off from the middle school side don't you think?" I twitch my ears at the name and give him a glare. Only Naruto actually calls me that and he only does it to poke fun of me. I decide that since today was the last day that the video deal is in effect, that I am going to eat him out of his business.

"Aww, don't be like that~ It's a cute nickname! They even made a fan club page dedicated to you~!" The blonde jokingly waves off my glare and tell me something I did not know (nor is it something I want to know). Now I understand what those strange looks my clients give me are for, they were part of my fanclub. I would've thank god for those contractee having some common sense and decency if she were not a devil.

"Oh? You didn't know about the fan club? Well now you do! Hahahahaha!" The blonde walks over and pats me on my head. I glare at him but didn't attempt to escape. If there was anything I learned about the blonde, it's that he's very good at head petting, well, that and making ramen. As I indulged myself, my glare turns into a inquisitive look and the blonde notices immediately.

"Eh? Why am I at school?" I nodded my head in confirmation.

"Well, I sort of work here. In fact, Matsuri and Dert also works here as well. We're also students too! Hahahaha!" My brows only scrunches up more in questioning.

"Originally, it was part of a prank for Issei but somehow or another, it became a permanent thing. Me and Matsuri are supposedly home schooled students who are technically enrolled within Kuoh Academy. We, including Dert, are also substitute teachers whenever they need an extra hand as well." The blonde starts explaining how badly he messed with the system when I smelt something familiar coming towards us, only with a bloody tang to it.

"Ah, Issei's finally here. Yahoo~! Issei-kyun~!" I blink owlishly as Naruto tunes his womanly switch up to eleven and pulls off something akin to "Leviathan Effect" which involves a subtle dimensional shift of the surrounding area into an isolated realm that was filled with sparkles, flowers and a pink sky; the effect is named after the inventor of said effect, one of the four current satans, Serafall Leviathan.

"...Eh? Naruto?" A slightly bloodied Issei said as he looks up from the stick that was acting as his crutch, only to be slammed down by a flying tackle from the blond he mentioned. The two more bloodied boys behind him watches in humor as their comrade gets knock down, then screams in resentment as they notice the one doing the knocking down, then anger as Issei harshly throws Naruto off of himself and then fighty as they get into a brawl with the brunette for dissing off a perfectly fine woman.

I watch in amusement as students starts crowding around the front of the school to watch the spectacle. Since most were preparing to leave or already leaving the school campus, there is a lot. Some were taking pictures while others gossips about "the perverted trio finally having infighting." Naruto came back to my side with a satisfied face and a camera in hand.

I didn't bother asking and he didn't bother commenting. It took another thirty minutes for the crowd to break up and Issei to crawl his way towards us. We proceeded to drag him back for Matsuri to work her bandage magic.

Though the blonde excused himself for his actions with a "The pervert needs to repent for peeping on women" when Matsuri asked, it didn't help that he had a huge smile while trying to decide which picture of Issei getting beaten would go best into a photo album called "Pranks Gone Right". Issei scowled and helped me clean the shop of ramen. I've never seen Naruto cried so hard before.

* * *

Ding-a-ling

"Sup~" Issei walks into the shop casually with his hands in his pockets and his bag hanging between the crook of his elbow. I turn my head to give him a nod of acknowledgment as he takes his seat next to me.

"...Where is everybody? I know Dert is out on a field trip since he told us yesterday but shouldn't Matsuri or Naruto be manning the shop?" Issei asks after he finishes fishing out his homework. I want to ask that too. I only just got here earlier but the pair was missing and the door was left opened. Maybe they had left to go shopping and forgot to lock the door.

"So they weren't here when you got here either huh? Sheesh, how could they have forgotten to lock the door." Issei grumbles in agreement with me as I shook my head and stands up to search for something behind the counter. He pulls out a pair of keys and walks towards the door while saying "C'mon, they're probably at the shopping district. Maybe we could help them out."

I look at his unattended homework and raise an eyebrow when I caught on to what he was attempting to do. Issei resolutely ignores my stare and I shrug. His grades, his problem and unless he's a client, not my worries. I get out of my seat and follow after him. If Naruto comes back faster, then the Kitsune Ramen will also come to me faster. In the end, Issei went back to take the homework with him.

Together, Issei and I navigated the mildly crowded market street while trying to find a trace or hide of the ramen pair. Along that way, Issei treated me to a chocolate bar and a liter of Neko-Pop. He also treated himself to a visit at a local eroge shop and bought a newly released game. A little more walking happened and both of our stomach growls. He puts on a contemplative face before asking me if we should keep searching or get a quick bite to eat.

Our stomach did the answering and we ended up at a maid cafe outside of the market place. Issei chooses a large hamburger and some fries from the menu while I went for some omurice and a large sundae. As we ate our perspective meals, Issei pulls out his homework and attempts to do it. I got curious and scooted over with my large sundae to see what it was that he's doing since I might've seen it worked out with Kiba already.

The end results involved the both of us clutching our heads in despair, though, for completely different reasons. I just got a minor brain freeze in my case. It was at this moment that one of my clients decides to show up in the shop and spots me. He comes over to say hi and sees the stack of homework before offering up help. I nodded when Issei cried out tears of joy.

For such a seedy looking man, my client was surprisingly efficient at teaching Issei his materials. Even I, who is a grade below, understood it rather easily. After my client was done explaining, he gets up and leaves with a wide smile while saying "Enjoy the rest of your date Ramenyan-san~".

I twitch at the nickname and glare at him while deciding to charge extra the next time he summons me. Issei quirks his eyebrow at the word date but shrugs indifferently and stuffs his finished homework into his bag. We meander back into the market place and decides to ask a random stall owner if he's seen the pair.

After buying four bags full of fruit, the stall owner gives us news that Naruto challenged a visiting curry guru from India a few hours back. The stage was set at the artificial river bank that's a five minutes walk from here. The store owner waves us off and tells us that if we hurry, we might just catch them.

With a nod to each other, we quickly ran to the location. It was not particularly hard to find because apparently, the match attracted quite some attention. There is a small crowd of observing people circling the bank, most are sitting one the grass slope. The ground area has five noticeable people. The first two is at the kitchen area efficiently moving around so quickly, they were leaving after images. One is the person that we've been looking for, Naruto while the other is a lean but well muscled half naked Indian man with white eyes. Behind the kitchen area, near the slopes, is a giant golden gong and a table that seated the other person we were looking for, Matsuri, doing play by play commentary for the crowd. In front of the kitchen area, with their backs to the river, were three people sitting at a judging station, completed with their own electronic scoring board.

Issei sighs in exasperation as he palms his face and walks down the slope towards Matsuri's direction. I quirk an eyebrow at the scene and follow after the brunette. Matsuri seems to notice us as she gives us a quick smile and pats the two chairs waiting next to her sides. We both took a seat, Issei on the left and me on the right before she continues commenting. Issei shrugs and pulls up a microphone to help the comment session as well. I started feeling a little left out and pulled one towards my side to join in. I didn't say much but it's the thoughts that count.

As the match continues to the finale, both combatants closes their pots at the same time and starts glaring each other down.

"Huh, why're they staring at each other?"

"This is the most important match in the long series of their battles Issei-kun, the match of wills."

"Match of wills?"

"Yes, using their cooking spirits, both chefs enters spirit combat where they do back and fourth combat to defend their cooking. The match is split into four mini-matches. Whomever makes it to four points first wins and gets a slight blessing of taste from the cooking gods!"

"Oi, that's basically the rules to tennis."

"...fifteen love, Naruto..."

"You mean he's winning? How can you tell?!"

After the match of will, which the Guru won by a turnover attack, both contestants shook hands and went to their pots to finalize their dishes to bring to the judges. Naruto took out three bowls filled with handmade ramen noodles and ladled some of his curry onto it while the Guru took out three plates of plain white rice which he ladles his curry on. As one, they finish the final touches to their dishes and both went towards the judge.

"It seems that the Guru agrees for Naruto-sama to go first. Issei-kun, can you tell us what dish Naruto-sama has planned?"

"He wrote down coffee curry ramen. In one line by the way, with no commas."

"...Eccentric..."

"It truly is. After a year of riddling through his debts, Naruto-sama has mastered the art of replacement so well that he can easily make anything out of anything as long as it involves the word ramen!"

"I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing."

"...Points, Naruto twenty four..."

"And Naruto-sama finishes with a devastating twenty four out of thirty points given by the judges! How will the Guru compare to this blow? Issei-kun, what is the dish the Guru prepared?"

"Plain curry."

"Ohhh, proving his skills with the most basic dish, the Guru goes with plain curry!"

WHOSHHHHHH~! BOOMMM!

"..?"

"What the heck is that?!"

"...That was the legendary taste bud explosion technique, Issei-kun. The rumored final skill that all chefs work their whole life for to get."

"EH? Since when did cooking have something like hat?!"

"...Thirty points... Guru wins..."

"I see, not even Naruto-sama could stand up against him. Issei-kun, please call for an ambulance."

"An ambulance? Why?"

"Isn't it obvious Issei-kun? The judges just experienced having their taste buds exploded. Look, the middle one is coughing up blood."

"Taste bud explosion wasn't a figure of speech?! Didn't the Guru just fed them explosives then?!"

"...Delicious..."

"Oi! Don't eat that!"

The rest of that day was spent eating the leftover curry from the competition while watching the sunset. Most of the crowd chose the safer path and ate Naruto's curry while some brave (read as stupid) fools tried the Guru's explosive curry. There's a group of emergency ambulance for those who actually ate the Guru's curry. Surprisngly enough, only Naruto and I survived the taste bud explosion, even the Guru succumbed to it's explosive powers after the third bite. His last words were "I had no idea what I was doing. Hashtag blind as heck lol." His lost was greatly mourned for.

* * *

"Hey Ramenyan, which choice should we pick?" I look up from my bowl of ramen to see Naruto and Issei concentrating intensely at the game on the television. I put my bowl down next to Issei's forgotten homework and look at the screen to read the choices.

1) Challenge her to a fight to the death where the victor takes that loser's love.

2) Get on your knees and ask her out for a marriage interview like a man.

3) Kill her family, kill her family, kill her family, kill her family, kill her family.

"?!" I read the text a second time and gave Naruto a face that says... well, implies "The hell?!" Naruto looks at my face and nods in understanding. He then pulls out the box that the game came from and handed it to me. I read the text on the box and find that there's nothing wrong with the commercializing. The box is colorful and attracts attention, the art is pretty good (my senses were trained by the otoku lord, Rias Gremory herself so I should know) and the summary attracts the interest of readers. Overall, there's nothing about this game that implies... whatever those options on the television count as. Again, Naruto nods in understanding and says

"I know exactly what you're thinking. The company that created this game is completely sane and normal but the problem is one of their writers. For some reason, the tsundere route that this company lets out is written by the same madman time after time. In the last game, it took the efforts of all four of us, me, Matsuri, Issei and Dert to defeat this route."

I scrunch an eyebrow at his explanation and reread the choices. Out of all of them, choice two is the safest option but if what Naruto says is true then that means that one guy wrote this whole script which would make choice two an unpredictable wildcard. Going by that logic, the craziest one is the one with the most results.

"...Choice 3..." Naruto grunts and presses the option for number three, Issei nods in understanding holds his breath. I watch curiously to see what will happen. The end result of that choice ended in the main character dying via girl and making the two restart from the very start with no skip button as a penalty. Both Naruto and Issei screams "DAMN TSUNDERE!" in impotent rage.

I quirk my eyebrow and continue eating my ramen bowl. I memorize the name of the game and took note to ask my crimson haired king about it when she comes back from her trip to Hell. She might know how to beat the game.

Naruto curses aloud and I curiously gave the television a glance to see that the game turned from a dialogue play through to a beat-them-up action rpg. Really? This is what accounts for love these days in the gaming industry? It looks interesting though so maybe I can ask Naruto if I could have a turn at playing.

The rest of that day was spent with us playing games and cursing out the game developers. Honestly, this is coming from a real life devil here, the tsundere route is really screwed up. Even more so than most of the stray devils that Rias had them fight as training. Those devils are like small onis compared to the amount of insanity the writer shoved into half of this route.

* * *

"Alright cast of "Ramen Days", we're making a music video."

On the morning of a typical weekend Saturday, Naruto makes a bold declaration as everyone did their thing. Matsuri blinks with her cup of tea halfway towards her lips. Issei looks up from his plentiful packages of homework. Dert raises an eyebrow from just atop his newspaper. I blink lazily as I chew my ramen flavored manju.

"Can I ask what brought this up Naruto-sama?" Matsuri sets down her cup and tilts her head. Naruto nods and says

"The management of MeTube seems to like the video so much, they contacted me and see if I can make more or if not, sell them the rights to the idea so that they could branch off into their own series. I decided to sell it and- oh, that reminds me..." The blonde searches his pant's pocket for a bit before pulling out four plastic bank cards and hands them to each member in the table. "Here, take this. It has the amount that the video was sold for divided by four. It's quite a sum even when split. Now then... Where was I?"

"You sold the video." Issei offhandedly says as he checks out the snazzy new debit card in his hand. His face grinning like mad when he comes up ideas on how to spend the money. I have no doubt that he's planning on spending it on questionable magazines and games.

"Right, so as I sold the video, one of the guys asks if I could make a theme song for the "Ramen Days" series. So yeah, who's good at singing?" Naruto blandly finishes as he pulls out the video recorder Dert left at the ramen shop from the last shooting. Everyone at the table stare at each other before shrugging and gets up from their seats to get ready.

After five minutes of clearing up each of their perspective mess, the crew shuffles out the door almost lethargically. We walk to the park of the last filming without much small talk as the sun satirizes our skin with good old skin cancer rays. Once we got there, Issei asks what Naruto is planning on doing and the blonde responds with a cryptic "Random actiony things that'll be thrown together with a snazzy beat and a good singer." I took a moment to process the blond's words and decided that Naruto has no idea what the heck he's gonna do either.

"You have no idea what to do." Issei thought the same and states it aloud. The blonde puts on a nervous smile while whistling and looking into the far off sky. Issei sighs and drops back first into the grass with his eyes close. Dert laughs and sat down by his left side, I sat down by his right side and together, we watched the clouds go by as Naruto tries to come up with something coherent. He gives up a while after and watches the clouds with us, next to me and with Matsuri by his side. We stayed like that for the rest of the morning til late afternoon.

Eventually, we got up and returned to the ramen shop where we spent the rest of the day lazing around and playing video games. On the plus side, I actually helped them finished the tsundere route. I still question the route creator's mentality seeing as the quickest way to getting a good ending is: Greet by fist to face - Challenge her to a fight to the death where the victor takes that loser's love - Spare her and take the hands of the boy she likes - Kill his family, kill his family, kill his family, kill his family - Flaming Burritos - Venom doesn't kill me... that quickly - I can't live without you - DIE!

It really makes for disturbing dialogue when the both of you are trying to kill each other only to instead fall in love. In the end, the ending was nice and Matsuri seems to really like the melodramatics but this is only because she started playing with us near the end. Issei and I have mixed feelings about the route as a whole and Naruto straight out hated it.

He used that hatred as fuel in order to make the music video out of the unused scenes from the previous the shooting and finished in record time. It was surprisingly good considering he was working with leftovers but that left the problem with the song. Without further adieu, Naruto drags the group to our newest location to spend the evening: a karaoke bar.

Even though half of the group is under aged, Naruto somehow got us through into the crowded bar and orders that we must each go to the stage once to sing. Whomever gets the most votes from our fellow barmates is the one that's going to sing in the music video.

Issei was the first to go up with the encouragement (read as harsh push, using the feet) from Naruto. He searched the song list for a few seconds and then found a song he liked immediately. The tittle is "99 words for boobs", the crowd seems to have loved it even though his singing was somewhat subpar and gave him a whooping eighty five points. Most of it came from the fact that Issei "Had enough balls to sing that crap."

Matsuri went next and found a song that she likes after a few minutes of searching. She sang "The Tea Song" beautifully and though the lyrics were on the questionable side, the crowd were moved enough by Matsuri's voice alone to actually give up their alcohol and drank some tea. She got a huge ninety five point judgement from the crowd. The remainding five points were from people who were too drunk and were busy hurling in the corner.

Dert was immediately skipped over by Naruto when he wondered if there was a coffee song aloud. The depressed man joined the hurler's corner. I was urged next and just so I wouldn't have to waste time memorizing any lyrics or worry about messing up the words, I chose the easiest one in my repertoire, the "Nyan Cat" song. Taking in a huge gulp of air, I started Nyaning continuously for the next ten minutes.

When I finally got tired, I left the stage with the following of a few awkward applause and a score of seventy, surprisingly enough. I glance at Naruto and smirks at the twitch he has on his right eye as he stares back at me, it almost made up for the sore throat. I went to the bar area as Issei was made to go up again and sing a legit song. The bartender was nice enough to give me a glass of warm honeyed milk without me even asking. I gave a gracious nod and spent the rest of the stay at the bar drinking milk, watching Issei and Matsuri have a sing-off and then see Naruto (in the female disguise that he's so good at) conquer the whole thing pop-idol style.

We split off afterwards to go to our respective homes, Naruto with his huge trophy and I with a teddy bear (an at least you tried prize) were the ones that the majority of the crowd cheered for the most to come back.

* * *

"Faster! Better! Smarter! Stronger! Do not hold back Issei! Walk forward and do not pause! A moment's hesitation is the end!" Naruto, in a white kimono and blue hakama, slams the bamboo sword in his hand to his side and makes a powerful crack with the wind.

"Will you stop yelling?! It's more distracting than helpful!" Without turning his head away from the piece of paper before him, Issei snaps at Naruto as he quickly writes down equations and solutions with amazing speed. Pages after pages of seemingly random questions about math, social studies, Japanese, English and science flies by and Issei scrunches his brows to quickly do them all.

"Do your best Issei-kun! you can do it!" Sitting next to Issei, Matsuri encourages the boy on with her words of motivation. Issei responds with a grunt that sounded almost like "Thanks Bro!" before quickening the already insane pace he was doing his worksheets with. A vein becomes visible on his forehead, under the headband with a rising sun on it, and his eyes becoming slightly more bloodshot.

"Subject is experiencing the after effects of coffee distribution injection. A new dose if black coffee is now ready for injection. This will only sting for a bit Issei-kun!" Dert taps the tip of the needle in his hand twice and then quickly shoves it into the brunette's shoulder with no prior warning. Just as quickly as he shoved it in, Dert injects the black concoction within the needle into Issei's vein and pulls out before bandaging the wound with expert skills.

"?!" For a brief moment, Issei stops moving altogether. His breath cuts short and his eyes dilate into almost pure whiteness before he returns to normal and continues at his previous assault on the packages of worksheets. In between page flipping, he gives Dert an evil glare and says "Stop doing that! I feel like I'm losing a year of my life whenever you shove that into my system!"

"Hahahaha! It's nothing as drastic as that at all Issei-kun. It's only a week or two, maybe a month at most that you're losing." The middle age man laughs off Issei's evil eye and sips his coffee.

"You mean I'm really dying?!" Issei almost stops to look at the man in horror, almost.

"Focus Issei! No Hesitation Allowed!" Naruto slams his bamboo sword into the brunette's head in a well placed motion that reminiscence to what his old toad teacher did to him when he learned sage art. Amazingly enough, it works pretty well.

"..." I silently watch the group as they continued their "review session". It's fascinating to see a normal human work at a speed that would be enviable even to magic users. Then again, it might've had something to do with the drugs that Dert is pushing into his body. That stuff cannot be healthy.

As the boy finally finishes the last of his worksheets and hands them over to Matsuri, he collapses in exhaustion. I tilt my head and sedately walk over to his prone body to nudge it while the others are busy organizing the mess of pages. I stare at his snoring form and use my enhanced senses to check if he was alright. Aside from the strong smell of coffee, he at least smelled like he is going to live. I nodded and walk over to the others who have started grading the papers. I stared for a bit before Naruto caught the hint and hands me a package, an answer sheet and a highlighter. I took it and sat next to him to start grading Issei's fake final exam.

Unsurprisingly, I didn't need to use the highlighter that much, or at all. The math test's result is a hundred percent. He only had one problem where he had to make a guess but he narrowed it down to the right choices and got the right guess. I guess this is only to be expected of the one whom Kiba had, in the passing, called a "genius pervert first year" who got such a high score on a test that is far harder than the mandated average, as per set by Kuoh Academy's standards.

But really, I know the truth of the matter. Issei is nowhere near being a genius. He just happens to work more efficiently than others of his peer. With the daily doses of homework packages from Naruto, help from Dert and Matsuri and a _lot_ of... encouragement (again, from Naruto), Issei has a better study plan than even a third year student, theoretically. He's no genius by any stretch of the word but he's a hard worker.

Naruto seems to agree with a merry grin as everyone finishes grading and hands him their results. Theoretically, he would've made a total of five hundred, the perfect score and seven points higher than the current rank one of his year, Momo Hanakai (from her previous test). The blonde pats the unconscious brunette's shoulder lightly as a show of approval and tells Matsuri to prepare the guess futon. I gave a long yawn and looks at the clock that reads 11:30. Supposedly, this is a lot earlier than the previous attempt to cram things into Issei's mind.

Once the bedding is secured, Dert takes Issei to the right-most futon and left him there before taking his own mattress next to the teen. Matsuri and I took the two left-most futons and slept, leaving the middle one for Naruto. I cautiously angle a watchful stare at the blonde as he pulls out a laptop and types away at it. The smile on his face tells me something foreboding.

-Morning the Next Day-

"I'm Lateeeeeeeee!" Equipped with a piece of buttered toast in his mouth, Issei rushes out of the ramen shop calculating that if he runs straight to school now, he'll barely make it in time.

"Good luck Issei-kun!" Matsuri calls out after the boy as he runs off. He gave a backhand wave in return to show his acknowledgement.

"...Yawwww..." I gave a mouth gaping yawn as I rub my eyes and try to straighten the tie on my neck. I know that I am also late for my own class but I'm not that much of a morning person. In fact, I usually have two to seven alarm clocks ready in my bedroom to wake me up each morning. They obviously weren't here and so, I'm awake and sleepy.

"Relax Ramenyan, I mailed your teacher earlier stating that you're not coming to school today. You're not missing much either, just some review works." Naruto pats my head as he walks by with a bowl of morning ramen. I blink drowsily at him and process his words. Blearily, I follow him to the table and sit in my usual seat. Matsuri brings me a cup of fresh orange juice and a bowl of cereal a while after. I thank her as she took her seat next to Naruto before lazily scooping the meal to my mouth.

"So what's the plan this time? Classic teacher student support staff?" Dert sips his coffee and asks Naruto.

"Yes, that is the plan that we're most consistent with. We will leave in ten minutes by car and make it there before Issei, it should give us enough time to go to step two of the operation." Naruto nods and hands everyone in the table a folder. I look at mine and reads "Watcher/Brain", Naruto had the same one as well while Matsuri had one that's labeled "Student". I turn to Naruto with a questioning stare and he gives me a grin while holding up a camouflage suit around my size. I blink.

-Kuoh Academy-

"Target is moving in school, reaching the second floor in two. Matsuri, hold position. Dert, report." Naruto broadcasts into his mic as he looks through a binocular. I bite a ramen flavored manju in my hand and looks through my binocular as well. Apparently, the group has a long standing tradition of "helping" Issei on his major tests, starting from the last midterms til today.

"Yes, Naruto-sama." Matsuri gave her affirmative and continued looking over her textbook in her classroom.

"Test acquired. Reading proves that ninety nine percent of the test was predicted accurately." Dert's voice rang through the radios earphones and I caught a frown growing on Matsuri's lips.

"That's okay Matsuri, you worked well with that percent error. Improve next time." Naruto calmly states.

"Yes, Naruto-sama." Matsuri dutifully agrees and puts up her textbook as Dert walks into the room.

"...Here..." I voice myself moments before Issei rushes into the classroom, sweating and out of breath, and jumps into his seat next to Matsuri. He didn't even give her or Dert's presence a second thought as he gulps down the drink she hands him. Surprisingly, nobody gives him a second glance either as they turn around and listens to Dert's instructions. I wonder if this is already normal occurrence for the class. Having random classmates and teachers show up I mean.

The test "helping" was quite simple once we got into it really. Naruto and I just keep watch of Issei while munching on snacks in the tree we're on and see when he starts slowing down. If he pauses, which he rarely does, we ring up Matsuri on the problem and she discreetly "help" Issei out. I don't quite understand how Issei always seem to understand the vague gestures that the silverette do but it works. Dert's only job is to walk by the room and get everyone to pay attention to their own test instead of looking around and potentially spotting Matsuri's "helping". Not that they'd be able to understand it anyways.

After three tests, the students takes a lunch break and we all decided to camp out on the empty roof of the building eating Matsuri's prepacked lunches from this morning. The sky made good eating weather and I manage to doze off for a bit while the others talk. Lunch was an enjoyable affair. I like the desert Matsuri made.

As the half hour passes by, Issei, Dert and Matsuri returns to the classroom while Naruto and I stayed on the roof. Since the last two tests are something that Issei is confident in, Naruto and I decided to give the brunette the benefit of the doubt and laze out on the tiled roof to watch the clouds. The ramen flavored dangos that Naruto brought tasted pretty good too.

At about the end of the last test, Naruto gave me the uniform for a Kuoh Academy's High School Division and pushes me to the bathroom to change. I questionably got dress and walks out to find Naruto in his female disguise and a Kuoh Academy's uniform as well.

He takes me to the classroom that Dert, Matsuri and Issei resides. As he reaches for the handle, he tells me to put on a big smile and say "nya" on his cue. I look questionably at him again but consented. His devious vulpine grin came with a vengeance as he swung open the door.

-A Random Street Between Kuoh Academy and Uzumaki's Ramen-

"Ouuuuuch..." Issei groans as he wobbles about. He glares at Naruto's direction and says "Do you really have to do this every time you show up at my school?"

"Yes." Naruto looks up from the camera in his hand and grins at the brunette.

"...You're a bastard." Issei grumbles.

"Correction, I'm The Bastard." Naruto wiggles his brows and references to something obscure he found on the internet.

"Now now Naruto-san, we shouldn't jab at Issei-kun for defending the honors of his beloved ladies." Dert grins from behind the group and takes a jab at Issei.

"I'm sure that if you had explain it calmly, you could've got away with a few less bruises." Matsuri calmly says as she gives Naruto and Dert a reprimanding glare. The two withered back and whistles off tune while looking at the sky.

"..." I stare in humor at their antics and nibble on a pocky that one the many students who confessed his undying love to me (and Naruto, and Matsuri) offered while Issei fought off a crowd of his classmates for either "Having such an awesome harem!" or "Being a lolicon bastard!" I am starting to see the ambiance of pranking Issei, it's delicious.

"But yeah, this one is being overdone so I'll stop and come up with something else." Naruto waved his slender hand in the air and winks at Issei.

"Am I supposed to be happy because of tha-" Issei glowers at the blonde and begins saying something as they turn for an intersection in the street. He misplaces his step and trips on a crack in the road which ended with him falling on the side of the road... just as a car that was speeding past a yellow light from a moment ago rush towards him.

My eyes grow wide as I hear the honking of the car in my ear and I made to quickly run towards the brunette, fully intending on stopping the car with my body. Even with my natural speed though, I could see that I would be too late to help. I was too late from the start. The car was going too fast to begin with. Scenes passes across my sight as I could already see what was going to happen. Issei getting hit. Blood splattering across the street. Me making it to the brunette first after failing to do anything. Me helplessly trying to aid him as he loses the light in his eyes. Me failing to make a difference... once again.

The moment passes and I choke down a cry as I try to put more strength into my limbs to take a bigger step, even if I know I wouldn't make it. The car continues its ever closer path towards the teen.

A meter

Two feet

One feet

Twelve centimeter

One centimeter.

And at that moment, I close my eyes, not wanting to see the gruesome scene... only to bump into something soft and silky. It took me a moment but I take a confused step back and open my eyes for a teary look at Naruto, holding Issei by his collar, with a scowl and whisker-like marks that was once too light to be discernible on his face. His body thrums with a familiar energy and his eyes outlined with red eyeliners. His pupil a mix of red and yellow with a cross as his irides.

Another image overlaps him for a moment and I take a choked, horrified gasp. Naruto's hair took on a black hue, his uniform turning into a shortened black kimono, his scowl turning into a playful grin and his pupils into slitted cat eyes.

Naruto, used senjutsu.

* * *

AN

Idiot#1:Sup! Welcome back to another super fantastically and stupendously late installment of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef"! More gripes from the authors coming right up and at ya!

Idiot #2: Why'd we pick a ten thousand words minimum limit?! We could barely write a five hundred word essay if our lives depends on it!

Idiot #3: And we did it in a new style too, that was a lot harder than I thought should have been possible. Seriously, this was supposed to be done at the end of March. That's like, what? A week, two weeks ago? Yeesh.

Idiot #1: Well this is all because #2 convinced us to write in Koneko's point of view. Damn, adding character to a character that barely talks is hard. I fear the day when the rest of the peerage joins. Oh god, so many developments needed in order to make this story slightly more coherent... not that it really is.

Idiot #2: I thought it would've been good to have been a good change in pace from our usual writing. Besides, Koneko is the most logical one to choose from. She's not very accessible to Rias at this point due to the separated divisions in school and she rarely talks. She's the safest route to pick from out of all of the devils in Kuoh. Well, it was either her or that fallen angel, Mittelt.

Idiot #3: ...We went through a twenty thousand words rough draft and only salvaged a little less than half for this chapter.

Idiot #1: At least the end result is pretty good... I think... it's up to the readers really... please like it dear readers, it was super hard to write and we did it just for you! YOU!

Idiot #2: On the plus side, we did get a few suggestions and didn't have to rely on the ouja board. That's always good right?

Idiot #3: Not really. Now I have to pay double in compensation sacrifices in order to get the test answers for the upcoming tests... Why're you guys looking at me like that? Did I say something weird?

Idiot #1: ...Can you share those answers? Please? I wanna pass that test too~!

Idiot #2: Ignoring those blatantly sinning idiots, we're still accepting suggestions for what high-schoolers like to do together!

Idiot #3: We might put in more insert chapters like this where we write in first person for a new character if it gets good reviews so tell us if this tickles your fancy. It's really only fun writing when the reader responds!

Idiot 1, 2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	6. Bamboo Ramen

"Well, I guess I can make it home from here. Thanks for the help earlier, Naruto." In the setting sun in front of Uzumaki Ramen, a pale Issei Hyoudou attempts to give his group of friends a cheery grin as he walks off on unsteady legs. It looked more like a grimace than anything else.

"...Are you sure you want to walk home by yourself. I'd be glad to keep you company." Naruto scrunches his eyebrow in a show of worry and offers help. The brunette shakes his head in negative and says no thanks before marching off slowly. The blonde worriedly watches as his friend walk away with faltering steps into the distance before turning the corner and away from sight. He has an inkling of what Issei is feeling, his first impression of a near death experience in his first C-rank mission shook him up as well, even though he was trained for such a thing. The almost car accident from earlier is taking its tole on the brunette.

"I better be off as well, it's been a long day, hahaha." Dert tries to lighten the atmosphere with his laughter but it came out rather strained sounding. He walks off in another direction as Naruto watches his back with narrowed eyes and a small frown.

"I'll go buy some ingredients for tonight's dinner, would you like anything in particular Naruto-sama?" Matsuri turns her step towards the fresh produce open stalls area and asks the blonde for suggestions. Naruto shrugs his shoulders and says

"Anything's fine. Just buy a lot of extra, besides Ramenyan-chan here, I feel like we might get a few more guests coming in for dinner." Matsuri smiles sweetly and lightly bows her head towards the blonde before walking off to procure ingredients. As she gets out of sight, Naruto turns towards the shop's entrance while fishing his pants for the shop's keys. He unlocks the door and walks in before stopping to beckon the hesitant middle schooler behind him to follow.

"..." Koneko bites her lips lightly in thought and proceeds to follow the one whom she has recently come to consider a friend. She follows him into the shop and is led up the flight of stairs to his and Matsuri's room. She follows his invite for her to take a seat at the low lying table in the middle of the room and accepts his offer of warm tea.

"..." As Koneko sits silently and drinks the prepared tea, Naruto slowly forms a goudama in the hand that's out of her sight and below the table. Manipulating it for a bit and adding Asura's chakra to it, he slowly raises the newly made Sword of Nunoboko and stabs the ceiling. As the roof and walls flicker like static, Naruto pours himself a cup of tea and watches as his surrounding change from a room to a desolate green meadow.

"..?" Koneko watches intently as Naruto pulls out a helix... staff? blade? rod? from below the table and impales it into the ceiling. What happened next is beyond what she could understand. She felt the room... shifted. Before her eyes, the room changes into a plain with nothing but grass for as far as her eyes could see. The floor of the room and everything on the floor was still with them but besides those, nothing else is there. The wall is gone, the ceiling is gone, the lower floors is gone and the very neighborhood is completely gone. She tested to see if it is an illusion only for her senses to tell her that it's not. The sun's warmth feels too real, the smell of grass is too real, the very minuscule sounds of the grassland bugs is too real. Despite the situation however, she did not feel panicked. In fact, if anything, she feels... calm, at peace. Like the very world is welcoming her presence and is actively making her feel safe.

"I thought we could use some privacy for our talk. Don't worry, in this world, there is no chance that anyone will stumble in on us. So take your time and think about what you want to talk about. We have all the time in the world right now and I'll answer anything you want." The blonde sips his cup soundlessly and stares off into the distant sky as he talks to the girl before him.

"..." Koneko blinks and stares some more at the blonde. A minute passes by, and then two, and then three. The blonde stayed silent throughout it all and did nothing but sip his tea. The white haired girl lowers her gaze back towards her still steaming tea after affirming that the blonde really was planning on doing nothing other than sip tea and wait for her to start. She thought about his words. Is there something she wants to talk about? Besides the surprising use of senjutsu earlier that the blonde used to save Issei, is there anything she wants to talk about?

"Speak your mind, do not keep them in your thoughts. Even I cannot understand such things." Naruto stares at the golden eyed girl before him with his own sapphire orbs and calmly states.

"...How did you use senjutsu?" Koneko took a deep breath and asks the one thing that's plagued her since the car accident, well, that and her brunette friend's mentality.

"Senjutsu is a technique that uses the untapped energy within nature and embeds it into one's own body to give an aggregate amount of boosts to a number of parameters. The way I do it is as simple as breathing, I merely let the energy of nature flow into my body and mixes it with my own internal storage. Does that answer your question?" Naruto lists off what he remembers from old man toad Fukasaku and inputs his own experience with the technique to answer the girl. He already knew that this wasn't what she is looking for but he also didn't know what that is that she_ is_ looking for to begin with.

"...No." Koneko shakes her head at his first attempt at answering her question before deciding to specify it. "...How did you not fall into insanity..." _'Like my sister...'_

"...Senjutsu is regulated into the body by using one's inner energy. Out of all known substances that reacts with emotions the most, inner energy lies at the very top of the list. If one's emotions is in turmoil, then the inner energy will be the same. If use of senjutsu is done in this state of turmoil, increase in aggravation might be a result. Because of that, I was taught to use senjutsu after long periods of meditation which empties my mind of any thought." Starting to understand the white haired girl's problem a slight bit more, Naruto explains his own experience, though changing a fact here and there and replacing the word chakra with inner energy. Even if senjutsu is also a thing in this world, he has no guarantee that anything else he knows is.

"...No." Once more, the girl gives a baffling shake of her head and argues "...Senjutsu absorbs the world's malice. How could you ignore that." _'Unlike my sister...'_

"Senjutsu itself is an act of tapping into the latent power of the world. The world itself is not predominantly evil, therefore it has to no malice nor love to entice the users of senjutsu with. As I've stated before, senjutsu gives a boost towards certain parameters. Emotion is very easily, one of these parameters." Naruto puzzlingly looks at the girl before him. Though he measured his words carefully before using them, he's been doing nothing but aggravate her more and more.

"But that can't be..." Koneko grimaces and looks down, completely covering her eyes from the worried blonde's sight with her bangs. "...Senjutsu makes you mad..."

"...I'm only talking from my experience. Using senjutsu does amplify one's emotions. Though not to a point of insanity, I was definitely more impassioned then I would be otherwise at times in the past." Naruto points out as he collects the energy of nature into himself and mixes it with his own worries for the girl before him. He then leans over the table and pats the girl's lowered head gently, slowly offering the newly created batch of nature chakra that he just made.

"..." Koneko tenses as she feels the touch but relaxes as she feels the familiar warmth. The warmth that, in her memories, her father and mother had bathed her in. The warmth that her sister had tried to give her before the incident. The warmth that Naruto used to save Issei. The warmth of senjutsu, hinted with Naruto's worries and doubts. And this warmth... is not evil. A single tear creeps into her eye as she realizes that she knew this. But if this is true, then that means her Nee-sama killed their saviors voluntarily. Her beloved, kind, caring, affectionate and compassionate sister killed the man who had helped them and abandoned her to death. "...Why, Nee-sama..?"

"So your sister is the cause..." Naruto sighs as the resemblance he noticed on the first day of their meeting deepened. This girl, she's similar to Sasuke. He looks at her as a tear drop falls from the shadow of her bangs and sighs mentally. "Y'know, someone else I knew had the same sounding problem. If you don't go into details, his life pretty much summaries into a tragic play where his brother betrays him out of love and duty and he goes to take revenge. My friend deeply regrets what he did to his brother because he was too late to see what's underneath of the underneath... Please, don't let it happen to you."

"..." Koneko feels the blonde pet her head one more time before lifting up his hand up and withdrawing. Along with his hand leaves the warmth of senjutsu. She shivers at the small lost of heat but chooses to focus on the blonde's words instead. She knew what it means, she had heard the blonde repeat it offhandedly multiple times before to Issei when a prank succeeds. To see what's underneath the hidden, the true meaning of the truth. So... is there a truth behind why her sister killed their benefactor and committed so many other crimes to alleviate herself to the ranks of an SS-class strayed devil? Is there a reason for her sister to abandon her to death? Is there any reason for her beloved sister to commit such atrocities besides simple madness like what she once thought? Koneko couldn't find the answer. She doesn't understand the mind of her beloved sister. She didn't want to understand the mind of her beloved sister. She was too filled with pity for herself to try and understand her older sister. She hated her older sister and... she still hates her older sister.

_'But even so... Kuroka is still my beloved Nee-sama... and... as Nee-sama's little sister... I will find out why she did it... and find it in me... to forgive her...'_ Even if problems and conflicts arises between them, they will still be able to find it in their heart to forgive the one who's wrong. That is what siblings are, a bond that goes beyond hatred and trust. That is what Koneko wants to believe she shares with Kuroka. Through the memories of their time together, through the love that they shared for each other, through the trials that is left for one another, Shirone wishes to trust that Kuroka still loves her like she loves her older sister. For that, she'll search.

"...Good, you've finally decided then?" Naruto's worries eases up as the girl lifts her head again. she simply nodded, her face free of all the troubles that had plagued her before and a gentle, almost serene, smile is attach to her lips. Naruto grins at that and once more reaches his hand upwards, grasping what should be air and pulling down the sword of renewal. The field of grass flickers like a bad television channel and returns to the four walled room that it was earlier that day. Looking at the clock on the wall, he widens his eyes a bit and promptly gets up. He motions Koneko to do the same and says "C'mon Koneko, we better hurry before Matsuri finishes cooking. She's making everyone's favorite today!"

"...Shirone." Koneko says while following the blonde as he rushes downstairs. The older teen pauses mid flight and turns to look at her with a question in his eyes. She decides to elaborate. "Please call me Shirone..."

"...If that's what you want. C'mon Shirone, I can smell Matsuri's ramen finishing cooking!" Still with a small hint of confusion in his eye, the blonde grins descends the stairs once more. The white haired girl follows with a small smile on her lip.

-Earlier-

"I better be off as well, it's been a long day, hahaha." Dert waves at the three standing before him and trudges off as they gave their good byes and acknowledgments. He walks down the worn road and lets his thoughts wander about.

_'Looks like I've been a bit careless... for someone to find me in this form.'_ He smiles bitingly and puts his hands in his pockets. It might've been a coincidence that the agent of Ouroboros found him but he's also at fault for letting the agent recognize his true self. Fortunately, he at least managed to stop information about his form and identity from leaking upon the agent's notice but when will it be until the next coincidence occur?

He pauses and leans to the side as a group of small boys and girls runs pass him, all giggling and happy, without a care in the world. He smiles a bit when the thought that he is the same strikes him. Spending time with the people he met in the mundane ramen shop changed his views quite a bit. Spending time with them, not as an overseer or a watcher but as a participant, gave him new insights.

The feelings that they have together, the joyful feelings that they experience together when doing something fun, the anticipation of waiting together for something nice, the frustrating feelings of trying to solve something seemingly impossible together, the victorious feeling of conquering the impossible together. These are things that he had never felt before, living in the void. These are the things he enjoys feeling now, living with the beings of earth. And these, are what he want his fellow companion of the void to feel.

He hums as he shifts his hands in his pocket to get into a slouchier walking position when he feels something within the socket of his pants. Pulling it out puzzlingly, he finds a small folded note with a short message in it that reads_ 'Come to the park'_ before burning in a flash of fire.

His smile strains a bit when he recognizes the handwriting and rubs the soot off of his hand. For a moment, he mirthlessly laughs at the thought of the blonde not over-exasperating everything. Truly, that'll be the day. Stuffing his hands back into his pocket, he changes directions to the park.

-Park-

"Ah, so was you who gave me this after all, Naruto-san." Dert walks towards the familiar blonde teen that he's said good bye to not twenty minutes ago while waving around his still sooty hand. "Though, I must admit. I'm quite shock to see that you're confessing to me. Matsuri-san and Issei-kun would be crushed when they hear the news of our new relationship."

"...Matsuri just has a strange sense of obligation." Naruto twitches his eyebrow in irritation and tries to justify the reason why the silver haired girl stays by his side for so much of their time together. The smile that Dert gave says that he's not convinced or even listening properly. This makes the blonde twitch his eyebrow at a faster frequency. "Anyways, the reason I called you out is because of this guy."

"Oh?" Dert walks closer to Naruto and takes a look at the man sitting next to the blonde. The new person is a nondescript man in his late twenties. His hair is a shade of dirty blonde, indicating that he's a foreigner or at least of foreign blood, and he wears a pair of casual black khakis and a white buttoned up dress shirt with a gray tie hanging off of the collar. The sleeping foreigner looks like any businessman in all sense of the word and nothing but one thing displaces him from others. The foreigner has an unusually large, unnatural magic system. Dert looks to the man's side and back at Naruto. "Is this the man that caused our problem earlier?"

"Yeah, he's the idiot that used the unknown wide area technique when we were walking back to the shop. I had no idea what the technique was so I prompted to track, capture and interrogate him instead." Naruto scowls at the man and gives the foreigner a look that practically screams of his urge to punch the sleeping form.

"The technique is an illusionary spell of avoidance. The area that is targeted will turn into a field where people without certain levels of magical power will avoid with a vengeance. That's the reason why Issei and that car's driver is affected but not everyone else." Dert offhandedly says as he sips his cup of coffee and takes a seat to the right of the blonde teen, with the foreign man on the teen's left side. He looks over to the scowling blonde and asks "So did the interrogation go well?"

"The interrogation? Oh yeah, that went perfectly well. Scared him so hard, he pissed himself and started talking even before I could question him on anything." Naruto sarcastically tirades to the middle aged man on his right while waving his left hand in the air as if to shape out the abstract scene. The man next to him raises an eyebrow to ask the silent question and Naruto sighs before saying "He began talking the moment I appeared and then fainted. He's been like this ever since."

"...What'd he say?" Dert inquisitively asks as Naruto slap the foreigner's cheek in an attempt to wake him up. It didn't work.

"Some crap about how the great Ophis is going to defeat the apocalyptic beast, Great Red, and take take back what's rightfully her's or something like that." The blonde pauses and reaches into his pocket to pull out a zip lock bag with a small thumb size marble figure of a snake. "He also spat this out after it became a choking hazard. What'd you do to piss off this nutcase and his boss?"

"Hoh? What makes you think I'm involved in this, Naruto-san?" Dert smirks and leans onto one hand that had its elbow propped onto his knee while staring at the blonde. The blonde glares at him irritably.

"Dertaerg A. Pocalypse," Naruto pronounced every syllable with narrowed eyes and a glare that makes the middle aged man smirks wider in enjoyment.

"That's the name you introduced yourself as to me and Issei. I didn't see it at first since it had no significance but now that I have a reference-" Naruto kicks the foreigner's shin. "-I'd have to be an idiot to not see it."

"...Pfft... Hahahaha." Dert's smirk held for a grand total of three seconds before it is smashes by his urge to howl in laughter. Laughter at a private joke that Naruto didn't know. This pisses the blonde off enough for him to kick the middle aged man in the shins as well.

"Ahahaha... it was a joke at first... hahaha... but after you two took it up so well... ahaha... I had to stick with it." Between short bursts of laughter, Dert explains why he kept the made up name and tries to dissuade the irked Naruto from kicking his shin anymore. As his laughter starts dying off, he looks at the blonde with a slight loneliness in his eyes and says "So I guess, you'd want to know what I've drag you into huh?"

"Not really, no." Naruto waves off the offer and blearily blinks at the man's dumbfounded look. He grins back and points at the man's chest. "I just wanted to know if a friend of mine is in trouble and if there's anything I can do to help said friend. Anything else is unneeded if that friend wants to keep it hidden. You can tell me anything or you can tell me nothing, I wouldn't mind either. As long as you come to me if you need help, I'll be happy... no, me, Koneko, Matsuri, Issei, we'll all be happy to help, because we're friends."

"...Hahahaha..." The man blinks once more in befuddlement and then snorts another bout of laughter. This one didn't last as long as the last and it ended with Dert's gratified smile at Naruto. "It would seem so... Well, I'd still like to tell you the gist of the problem so sit tight and listen carefully~!"

"...Go ahead." Upon hearing that Dert is planning on telling him the situation anyways, Naruto slouches into the park bench and pulls out a cone of ramen flavored ice cream to enjoy while listening.

"Let's see, where to begin. Hmmm, I guess we'll start with who Ophis is. She's... my shut in older sister. She likes to stay inside the house and do nothing. One day, she went out to do an errand and quickly came back. Before she could enter the house though, I found it wise to lock the door and make her interact with the world more. She hasn't come home since." Nodding at the distorted version of the true story, Dert pridefully tells it to the blonde next to him. Said blonde gave him a narrow eyed deadpan.

"So your sister, Ophis, decided to hire people with supernatural powers to take care of you because you locked her out?" Naruto points his cone of ice cream as the stilled foreigner besides him and raises a disbelieving eyebrow.

"That's one way to say it. Though, rather than some people with supernatural powers, I think she's gone and made a whole organization." Dert drily laughs aloud after a sip of his coffee.

"...I'm not going to ask. Just let me know to help when your sister... let's them loose again and if you need help." Naruto takes one last lick of the cone in his hand and chomps the rest down. He then stands up and starts walking to the park's exit."C'mon, we're too late to find any good dinner and Matsuri's making a seafood hotpot ramen."

Dert raises an eyebrow when Naruto left the sleeping man on the bench but shrugs and follows after the blonde. Seafood hotpot ramen (whatever that is) sounds nice right about now.

-Earlier-

"Well, I guess I can make it home from here. Thanks for the help earlier, Naruto." Issei says with a strained grin as he turns around and walks towards his house. From behind him, he hears Naruto's offer to walk him home but he politely rejects. He wants to deal with his problems by himself right now.

As he turns several corners from the shop and was sure that the others couldn't see or was following him anymore, his shoulder sags as the burden of a near death experience takes him in full. He grimaces as the feeling of helplessness resurfaces and feels something rise from the back of his throat. He takes a look around to find someplace he could take a seat and maybe recollect his nerves.

What he found leads him to a familiar family restaurant that opened around the same time as when Naruto's shop opened. He walks in and a fairly nice looking waitress greets him and takes him to his booth table. He orders a pot of hot tea, remembering how calming the cups served by Matsuri could be, and slumps into his cushioned seat.

His thoughts returns to what had happened. He was walking home with the group, joking around like always with Naruto when he suddenly felt the urge to... leave. Leave where, he did not know. He just knew he had to leave. Thinking back, that urge was very strange, in fact, he still thought it was strange even at the situation. That was the reason that he tripped himself.

_'If it wasn't for that feeling... I would've never gotten into that near-hit incident.'_ He swallows loudly again as the incident flashes before his eyes. His muscles tensed and he starts feeling sweat drops growing larger and larger from the pores of his back. The images of the almost hit and run incident flashes before his eyes and even some in body experience of dying passes by as well. His mouth becomes drier and his breath becomes shorter. A soundless video of Matsuri panickingly calling for an ambulance and Naruto trying to get him to stay awake flashes in his eyes. Dert is in the background holding back Koneko from seeing the gruesome image of his to be corpse. His hand clenches harder on the folds of his pants. The soundless video continues to grow dimmer and dimmer as the image becomes blurrier and blurrier, he lost sight of his friends one by one. First was Koneko, then Dert, then Matsuri and finally, N-

"Here you go sir, a pot of freshly brewed green tea. If there is anything else you would like, please don't hesitate to call me." His trance is broken when the waitress returns with a pot of steaming hot tea and a ceramic cup that doesn't look like something a family restaurant owns. He blinks and blanks out for a moment before automatically thanking the waitress for bringing his order. He pours himself a cup and quickly gulps it down, letting the burning hot pain clear up his mind. He regrets it a second later and slowly sips his next cup.

_'Ah, that's right. It's just my hyperactive imagination. I wasn't going to die. Naruto saved me.'_ Issei's thoughts focused on his blonde friend instead, now that he's calmed from the previous episode. He remembered that the blonde was quite far away from him when they were walking and was on high heels as well. Yet, it was also the blonde who had been the one to pull him back from the road as the car passes by with a speed far above the allowed limit. Perhaps it was just him and his warped perception of time and reality but Naruto definitely moved too fast to save him. But here he is, save and sound, thanks to the blonde.

_'Thanks to Naruto...'_ Finishing his second cup, Issei pours another one and finally tastes it seriously. It reminds him of Matsuri's calming tea, perhaps the same brand? His thoughts diverts to the waitress of the ramen shop, and then the shop's owner, and then how said owner saved him.

_'Perhaps... I should buy him a thank you gift? "Thanks for saving my ass. Even though you're a bastard sometimes, you're a great friend." would probably be what I'd put on the card. Hmm, what would he like as a gift? All I know is that he likes ramen and playing pranks. Somehow, a whoopee cushion and a box of packaged instant ramen doesn't sound very sincere...maybe I should change the praising of the note...'_

Taking a deep breath and finally calming his nerves down enough after finally organizing the mess in his mind, Issei drinks the last of his tea. He puts down the cup and looks at the clock on the wall to find that quite some time has passed by. He sees the waitress that had escorted him to his seat and wonders if he should order something to eat. His parents were going out of town for a week starting a few days ago and left him enough money to get take outs for a number of meals.

As he is about to call the waitress with her back turned towards him, his cellphone vibrates and sounds out a familiar ringtone that he gave to only one person. A ringtone of a narwhal imitating Naruto's ramen eating style. He pulls out his phone in curiosity and reads the simple message.

"Matsuri's making seafood hotpot ramen, get over here so that we can eat. Ramenyan and Dert is also coming. Hurry."

Issei smiles and stands up to pay at the cashier before quickly leaving the store and retracing his steps to the Uzumaki Ramen. He texts a short reply saying that he'll be there in a moment before running towards the shop again.

From the interior of the shop, the waitress that had attended Issei smiles as her phone vibrates from receiving a message. She pockets the ceramic tea cup and the pot of tea that Issei had used before disappearing into the shadows without anyone's notice. Matsuri will be mad if she realizes that a major part of a her favorite tea set has gone missing.

* * *

-Occult Research Club-

Tick tock tick tock tick tock

Every few seconds, Koneko would look up from her snack and glance at the clock for time. The glances won't last very long and she'll go back to her snacks immediately but in the end, she still make miniscule glances. These glances, though not very noticeable, are very easy to spot since the girl herself is usually very still. As such, it did not take others in the room very long to notice.

Rias, not being one to miss out on a juicy rumor, overheard a number of gossips floating around since yesterday about a certain genius pervert in the first year classes having multiple beautiful girls barging into his classroom and randomly hugging him, including one very cute catlike middle schooler with white hair and golden eyes.

Not wanting to make cause awkwardness due to her quick judgements and faulty information, she asked Kiba to gather more descriptions of the perverted genius' middle school girlfriend from his fellow first year classmates earlier that morning. He came back at lunchtime with a stack of pictures showing three very dazzling beauties. The first is a silver haired girl with a gentle smile that wouldn't look out of place on the face of any saint's statue. The second is a golden hair twin-tailed girl with a smile that strangely reminds of a fox. And the third, well, the third confirmed her suspicions. With a knowing smile, Rias sits in her chair drinking Akeno's tea and secretly watching her rook glance at the clock in impatience.

Akeno, having shared theories with her King earlier at lunchtime, smiles tranquilly as the little girl before her fidgets almost imperceptibly. Though she isn't the one to cause the fidgeting, she's still taking the sight in with joy since it's her first time ever seeing the stoic middle schooler like this.

Kiba, who's also in the little conspiracy happening against the smallest girl in the room, tries to act normal and reads his book on a chair in the corner. He still manages to make a few discreet glances at the girl when he thinks she's not looking.

Unbeknownst to everyone, Koneko has already notice the glances she's been receiving the moment she first set step into the room. At first she thought nothing of it but as time passes by, she begins to worry. Did the group already know about her new found resolve that she has forge with Naruto? Did they want to talk about it? Did they want to know what she knows about the blonde?

Though the ramen chef has given her free reign of the information she knew about him, she's decide to keep it a secret between them since she's never heard of him prior from Rias and figured that he'd want to keep his anonymity. Though she's willing to tell her king what she knows should she be ordered to, she's also inclined to keeping the blonde's secret between them. Whether out of thanks for helping her make a new resolve or out of obligations as a friend, she's willing to do it voluntarily. So... why exactly is her fellow peerage members giving her their strange looks and smiles instead of asking her questions, if they knew. Feeling extremely uncomfortable under the not so discreet glances, Koneko looks at the clock once more just as it hits six.

Tick tock... Ding dong ding dong

"...I'll be leaving." With her mouth almost breaking into a relieved smile, Koneko packs up her materials and immediately leaves for the entrance, to escape the strange looks and smiles. As she closes the door, she gives everyone one last glance and shudders at the smirks they have on their faces. Something is definitely wrong, her Naruto honed trouble senses is telling her so.

On the way to the front of the high school division's school building, she meets a wobbling Issei walking alone towards the entrance as well. She gets into pace with him and finds out that he's held back after class due to his... extracurricular activities during lunchtime with his friends. Koneko gives him a half-hearted reprehending glare and he at least had the decency to look impish. Together, the two walks out of the school's territory and Koneko caught sight of a certain familiar bat flying towards the old school building. Once more, her Naruto honed senses tingle to warn her of incoming trouble.

* * *

"Pack up, we're taking a trip to China." Naruto declares one day as he stands imposingly over the table. Dert looks up from his coffee, Koneko from her ramen flavored snacks, Issei from his homework and Matsuri from her tea. Together in practiced synchronization they vocalized the word

"Eh~?"

"It's not a well known tradition but this market area has its own sets of legends during July seventh. Each year, on that date, the Goddess Tanabata and the Farmer Mikeran meets at the highest point of the tallest bamboo tree and descends the heavens to the shop that the tree resides. In having those two eat at the shop that the tree is in, the wishes on that tree will come true and the shop will gain a year's worth of good fortune." Naruto points his thumb in the general left direction of the shop. "Last year, the crappy dango shop from over four shops down won by a landslide with a bamboo tree that they grew since they were a child. Now, as a firm believer that ramen is the food of the gods, I will reclaim my shop's rightful place as the shop in which a goddess and her boyfriend meets up to pig out in."

""""..."""" As he finishes his speech, everyone else puts on a complicated expression that ranges from either "Is this guy serious?" to "I can't believe I'm listening to this..."

"Oi... That sounds like a bunch of folklore legends you threw together, blended in a juicer and then desecrated beyond all imaginable possibilities... Apologize to all ancient folklore tellers dammit!" Issei is the first to give into his impulse as he slams one hand on the table and uses the other one to point rudely at Naruto. The blonde is completely unfazed with this accusation and retaliates with a resolute

"I shall apologize to no one until the ramen gods have been appeased by my defeating of all the others in this district!"

The uncompromising fire that burns in his eyes said it all. Matsuri, Dert and Issei knows that look quite well, the look of the ever troublesome Serious Naruto. Koneko, who had not gotten a chance to meet this form of Naruto, looks slightly put off by the look but stood her ground... chair against the overpowering pressure of the blonde's resolution.

"I'll go pack the luggage for a week long stay." Matsuri was the first to give into the blonde's verdict and goes upstairs do to what she said she'd do, all while worrying about various things pertaining to the shop. One would think that she's the owner rather than an employee with what she has to worry about.

"I'll go get the van ready." Dert sighs and sips his coffee as he saunters out the front entrance of the shop. Somehow or another, he has obtain the position of being the group's appointed chauffeur. Not that he really minded or anything, it is fun seeing them squirm in their seats whenever he steps on the gas pedal.

"I'll give my parents a call and tell them I'll be gone for a bit with you guys." Issei sighs aloud and pulls out his cellphone. He walks out the shop after the middle aged man and asks if the man could give him a ride to his house so that he could pack some clothes as well. Dert complied graciously and they went out together.

"...I'll contact my guardians." Tilting her head to the sides in slight puzzlement at the group's quickness to go with the blonde's idea, she pulls out her phone and starts calling her king while walking out the door as well. Rias will probably allow her to take a trip as long as she promises not to do anything idiotic. If anything happens, the High-Class devil can teleport to her location immediately anyways.

-Somewhere in China: A Random Bamboo Forest-

"Koneko, over here!" Issei yells as he ducks behind a large pile of rocks with a hail of flying needles following him only to impotently bounce off of the rocks.

"Un!" Koneko follows the brunette and barely makes it to the covers of the rocks before her own rain of needles strikes hits the stone pile. She tunes her heighten senses and waits until the sounds of needle throws stops before whipping her head to the side, just out of the rock's protective covering and accurately shoots four tranquilizing darts from her makeshift bamboo blow dart gun. As the darts hits, she feels a small surge of pride for her accomplishment before it's crushed by the sense of shame for actually landing herself into this ridiculous situation to begin with.

"Shoot, they're circling us. C'mon Koneko." Issei, who's on high surveillance with the data that Matsuri's streaming to him constantly, sees a dozen dots moving in an oval shape, encircling in on his and Koneko's current position. He tugs his white haired partner in crime's arm to break her out of her remorseful reverie before breaking into a run for their next cover, a large patch of bamboo clusters.

"..." The white haired girl blinks for a moment and then nods in affirmation before taking her role behind the brunette. Whether he knows it or not, she has been the one to cover them by blocking the flying needle strikes with her iron skin; a byproduct of using both her rook's gifted power and Naruto's steady senjutsu lessons. As they do a flying body lunge towards the cover of the bamboo grooves, numerous loud booms exploded from the rock pile formation where they last hid. The sound of enemies screaming in anguish rang through the air and the laughter of a certain ardently devoted member of the ramen cult rang even louder, far more gleefully than what should be allowed in the situation.

"Pest control finished, all stunned and disabled. Sector fourteen captured. Where to next, leader?" Naruto's voice comes from the headset that each member of the raiding group has on and Matsuri answers immediately.

"Job well done, Private Naruto-sama. The next location for attacking is up north, approximately twenty meters from the bamboo forest. Scale the walls and infiltrate while the enemies are working to gain back control. Hurry, you have approximately ten minutes."

"Will do, keep up the updates. Ramenyan! Oppai! We need to move!" With that said, the blonde rushes off in a random direction to do his job of making loud distractions for the rest of his team.

"...How the hell did this happen?" Following shortly after the blonde, Issei wonders out loud as he pulls on the uncomfortable collar of his normal camouflage gears. The word normal is stressed because unlike Naruto, whose definition of camouflage is bright neon orange, theirs is a dark shade of bamboo green.

"No idea..." Koneko helplessly shrugs as well since she too, didn't know when things became so strange. Yesterday was quite normal really, they landed in some province of China early morning and toured around the area for a bit. They ate some of the local dishes, took a few pictures and even bought a few interesting looking souvenirs before renting out a large hotel room with two king sized beds, one for her and Matsuri, the other for Dert and Issei, and Naruto went out "information gathering". This morning wasn't that strange either. Naruto, who had a suspiciously large sports bag that she now know was filled with Dert's approved tranquilizing weapons, invited her and Issei out for some quick breakfast and a walk through a famous local bamboo forest. The first half hour of the walk was surprisingly calming and relaxing so it still confuses her as to how the situation devolved so quickly into this.

"Koneko-san, Issei-kun. Naruto-sama is tasked with the job of spreading enemies thin again. They regrouped faster than I had anticipated. Please continue to go straight and continue the mission. I will send you a map of the best route to take." Matsuri's voice comes through again and updates the group on the situation. Apparently, she and Dert are the brains of the operation.

"...Got it, thanks Matsuri. Oi Naruto! You so owe me free ramen for this, come back safely so that I can get my pay!" Issei clumsily wishes the blonde good luck and runs straight ahead with a slight blush to his cheeks.

"Good luck." Tying a headband onto his forehead, Naruto loads grenade bullets into his rotary grenade launcher and gives them a thumbs up. He then runs off into another direction, his neon orange wear blending into green surprisingly well seconds later.

"How far is it?" Koneko asks while following after Issei. For obvious reasons (to her and Naruto), Issei is put as the information technician of the group while she is the brawler to anyone who gets past Naruto. Next to Matsuri and Dert, Issei is the leading commander in charge of the operation, according to Naruto.

"According to the map, it's just up ahead." Issei says as he looks at the tablet he pulled from his knapsack. Immediately after he says that, the two rushes out of the bamboo forest to see an open gate with a flashy "Welcome!" sign right next to it.

''Suspicious!'' Was the first thought that screams into their mind. The seconds was to dodge, aka get the heck out as a giant shadow looms above and a large creature falls from the sky and lands just where they were.

BOOOMMM!

Smoke and dust kicks up from where the unidentified large being lands and Issei takes that moment to fall back with Koneko, both taking out the gear that Naruto armed them with to fight off enemies. Issei's gear is a futuristic looking tranquilizing gun of sorts that Dert guaranteed has a one hundred percent hit rate and Koneko's is a pair of boxing gloves that has "A shocking punch." Both took up their ready pose as a gust of wind wipes away the dust in the air to show an extremely muscled man wearing something that you'd see in an old Chinese martial arts movie, he even had the fu manchu and all.

"So you two are the intruders who are after what we've safeguarded for over a thousand years..." The man booms in perfect Japanese with an energetic hint to his voice. He towers over the two and they flinch at his crushing gaze. Before they could say anything however, Naruto rushes out of the forest as well towards the large man, his shirt missing and his gun gone.

"In the name of my god, I shall be demanding this year's bamboo tree, LARIAT!" Serious Naruto meets eyes with the towering giant and slams a wide haymaker at the man's throat. The man lifts up both his arms upwards to block the move before twisting one of his blocking arm to grab the blonde's offending limb and makes to throw him. Naruto retaliated by slamming one of his foot into the man's face mid throw and leaps off after the man releases him. He lands in front of his two partners and without taking his eyes off of the man, the blonde speaks to the two behind him. "Ramenyan, Oppai, hurry."

The two didn't need any more words of instruction as they immediately listens to the blonde's words and dashes off. From behind them, the sounds of fist colliding with fist resounded throughout the temple ground and the bamboo forest. Once inside the gate, they followed Matsuri's map and make numerous twists and turns, going through many doors and pathways. Issei got extremely proficient in hitting enemies on sight with his sure hit gun and Koneko uses her instinct to take out anyone that tried a sneak attack in close combat. Together, they quickly navigated the catacomb of the temple ground quickly.

As they turn the last corner, their eyes are momentarily blinded by an amazing sight. Before them, a single graceful bamboo stalk that screams of holiness stood in the empty field. Koneko and Issei looks dubiously at each other as they had no idea what to do. A grouped sneak attack from earlier had took out their headgear and Matsuri never told them what to do should they have made it this far.

"..." Koneko shrugs and nudges Issei forward to touch the tree. If it's nearly as holy as it looks then she should definitely not be the one touching it. The brunette gives her a raised eyebrow and she shrugs again before turning to the entrance, to keep guard. Issei nervously trudges forward to the bamboo tree and hesitantly reach out. He touches it and feels a cool smooth feeling in his palm before the tree explodes into a thousand grains of fine golden powder and something shoots upwards from the remains of the tree.

"EH?" Was all he could say as firework explosions appear in the appear continuously in the air for a whole minute. Soon after that, the ground trembles and quake and the walls around them shake. Koneko swiftly returns to his side and enters a boxing stance as he looks at his hand, which had instinctively grabbed some golden dust. The walls fall to show a large crowd of people, all applauding them, some cheering, some booing and others with a grudging look in their eyes. Issei and Koneko blink owlishly at this and stood stock still. The massive man from earlier in the ancient Chinese robe comes up from the crowd and grabs both Koneko's wrist and Issei's wrist and raises them both up into the air while declaring loudly in two language at the same time

"THE VICTOR OF THE ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THIRD BAMBOO TEMPLE CONTEST IS, TEAM CULT RAMEN!" The man then lets go of their wrists and let their hands go limp by their sides as the crowd renewed their applause, making the temple echo with clapping. He turns around and gets on one knee with a huge smile on his face. "Congratulations foreigners. You have fought valiantly and shall claim your prize."

""...Eh?"" Both Koneko and Issei continued looking at the massive man stupidly, as if not understanding his words even though he was speaking in their language. Before they could say anymore however, the massive man stood up and they were crushed by a group hug consisting of three people.

"Hahaha! Good job guys! You did the ramen gods proud out there!" One of the huggers, Naruto, energetically laughs as he moves to hold Issei in a headlock. It seems that he's found his upper wear again somewhere during the fight with the giant who congratulated them.

"Excellent work you two." Matsuri gives the both of them a huge smile, almost equaling Naruto's, and a quick hug before handing them a bottle of refreshingly cool water and a towel to wipe off their sweat. She has on her normal wear with a neon orange camouflage jacket draped over her shoulder.

"You used those tools like a true soldier. This old man is proud to have lead you, privates." Dert jokingly says while squeezing both their shoulders with just the right amount of pressure to be reassuring. The man had went full out like Naruto and was wearing classic soldier wear, caps, boots and all even though his only job is to sit next to Matsuri and drink coffee.

"Come, the prize that you seek is awaiting up this path." The large man in the Chinese robes allowed us a moment of reunion before walking towards a random pathway on the temple ground. Naruto, with a wide grin on his lips, slung an arm over both Issei's and Koneko's shoulder before following the man. Dert and Matsuri quickly took up to following behind the blonde.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...What's happening?" As they walk down the corridor behind the Chinese giant, Koneko found it in herself to recover from the strange happenings first and asks the question of the day. Issei recouped soon after and nods in agreement with the white haired girl's question. Matsuri, who was right behind the middle school girl, tilts her head and questioning and asks in return

"...Did Naruto-sama not tell you what we were doing?" It was an innocent question from a completely innocent bystander involved in the fiasco but it caused a strong impact. Together as one, Koneko and Issei both whips their head towards one location and glares heatedly at the person residing inside that general location.

"...Ah, I knew I forgot something when we were getting breakfast..." Taking his arms off of their shoulder, Naruto loosely hangs his left arm to the side while using his right hand to scratch his cheek abashedly. His cheek grows a slight blush when he notices his two side companion's glare increasing in intensity and feels the burning sensation of Matsuri's reprimanding frown on his back. He takes a step ahead of the group, turns around and as he closes his right hand into a fist, he lightly knocks it onto the top of his head, winks his left eye at Koneko and Issei and says "Ah, how do I say this... Sorry I forgot, tehepero."

""..."" Both the white haired girl and the brunette grew a comical red vein on their foreheads as they too clenches their hands. Naruto notices immediately and wisely retreats by standing nearer to the intimidating Chinese giant. The two huffs in annoyance as one as well and both turns towards Matsuri with a question in their eyes. The silver haired waitress of Uzumaki Ramen sighs in exasperation before taking up her teacher's pose (something that came with becoming a pseudo teacher in Kuoh Academy when pranking Issei) and starts explaining.

"Yesterday, when he was out gathering information, Naruto-sama went around town to ask if there was a location he could buy living bamboo stalks from and he got instructions about a contest for the highest quality bamboo of this region. Supposedly, these bamboo stalks are offsprings of a thousand year old bamboo tree that has great qualities to it, requiring ten years to plant and cultivate. Originally in ancient times, the contest was held between different martial arts clans to see who was the strongest clan but as time passes on, this tradition became more of a free-for-all race with tranquilizing weapons allowed. There is a bit more technical details to it that I'm still uncertain about but I'm sure Naruto-sama can give a better description of the race's objectives." With a slightly vexed smile, Matsuri tilts her head and finishes informing the two students of what they were doing the whole time.

"...So that was why they were attacking us... all for a bamboo tree?" twitching his eyebrow uncontrollably, Issei starts massaging the side of his head to see if that'll appease the twitching. Koneko silently agrees and decides to look at it from another perspective; at least she's getting some experience for future rating games... sort of.

"...It's not any bamboo tree you know~ It's a super bamboo tree!" The Chinese giant helpfully inputs from up ahead. Issei twitches at the sight of the giant fist bumping Naruto like old friends.

"So how're we going to take the tree home? I'm sure that we won't make it to Japan and prepare everything in time for Tanabata if we're going through the regular airports like how we came here." Issei gives up on rubbing his head and decides to focus on the reason he was stuck in this situation in the first place, besides the obvious answer of: because of a certain blonde.

"Ah, you don't have to worry about that. I've offered Naruto-san to give everyone a ride back to Japan and he accepted." Dert's cheery voice rang in on the conversation and its topic completely stops Matsuri and Issei in their tracks. Koneko pauses to look as well when she sees the silver head and brunette mechanically turn their head towards Dert, who's holding up a thin card. A flying license card.

-Uzumaki Ramen-

Click Click... Slam! Ding-a-ling~!

"...Matsuri, prepare the decorations and open the shop... Koneko, get some rest... Dert, try to revive Issei... I'll, go make some ramen for lunch..." Opening the door to his ramen shop roughly, Naruto staggers in with a large bamboo tree on his shoulder and a bag of bamboo branches in his hand. Behind him Matsuri and Koneko walks in with unsteady legs, leaning heavily on each other, as if their continuation depended on each others support. Trailing after those two is Dert and Issei. Dert is casually sipping his coffee with a shiny sheen to his face while Issei isn't really moving... or breathing.

"...Apologies, Naruto-sama, I will have to postpone until recovery is made." As Naruto slams the bamboo tree on his shoulder down in the middle of the shop, Matsuri leans Koneko down into her seat and takes a seat herself. Dert does the same with Issei and takes the television remote to turn to a comedy channel.

Thirty minutes later, Naruto comes out with five large bowls of freshly made bamboo ramen and spreads them out to the group. Issei manages to revives himself due to hunger after Koneko's third bowl and Naruto's fifth bowl. They spend the rest of the day doing nothing but laze around the table, recuperating.

At around seven or eight, when the sun completely disappears from the sky, they each slowly gets up from their spots and pull out a blank piece of paper to write on and hang off of the haphazardly placed tree in the middle of the shop. Of course, since there is a festival going on around them, the group wanders outside to join the festivity, Naruto forgetting his job of manning his own shop.

They spent the rest of the night goofing around the various stalls at the shopping district and having dinner out as well. They each left after their own farewells and departed towards their perspective houses from Uzumaki Ramen when the clock ticks midnight.

"I'll be going. Thank you for treating me to dinner." With a roasted squid held in her mouth, Koneko bows down slightly and leaves with her large bag of toys and snacks.

"I'll be going as well, it's been a fun day. Have a good night everyone~" With a wave of his hand, Dert turns around and walks to where he last parked his van.

"Yawnnnnn... Damn, there's school tomorrow too. G'night you two." With drooping eyes and a loud yawn, Issei walks off towards his house with a festival mask that he bought earlier between his hand.

"I'll prepare the futons. Remember to sleep soon Naruto-sama, it's been a long day." Matsuri warmly advices her blonde roommate after walking into the shop and heading towards the stairs. Seeing him nod once in acknowledgement, she walks up the flight of steps and leaves her caretaker to do what he wishes.

"...So it was true..." After waiting for Matsuri to at least open the door to their shared room, Naruto walks up towards the table that he and the others usually occupy, past the newly acquired bamboo tree that is noticeably missing the wishes tied to it earlier. He makes it to the table and narrows his eyes to see the objects in front of each chair and two empty ramen bowl in the middle of the table. He picks up the note tied under the ramen bowl and reads it in his mind.

_'Thanks for the ramen, it tasted great! As a gift, I tried granting the wishes on the tree to the best of my abiltiy, have fun with them~!_

_Sign, Goddess of Renunion, Tanabata.'_

Putting the note down, he looks at the objects on the table. The wishes were placed in order with each seat's usual occupant.

Starting from the left with Dert's "I want a completely new extraordinary way of making coffee" wish, a book named "New Extraordinary Way of Making Coffee" and a note reading "I hope you like it~!" was left on the wish tag.

Next to it is his own wish of wanting to protect his friend. The gift he got is a gun with four full cartridges of bullets. For some reason, Naruto is really doubting Tanabata's good will.

Sitting innocently alongside his gun gift is Matsuri's wish for "World peace." The goddess left a note that says "Eh~? That's super hard... How about inner peace instead? Here's a goddess certified love charm~!" and an pink omamori with the kanji for love on it.

Rounding the table's corner, Koneko's wish for "Being able to understand Nee-sama better" is paired with a book that's titled "How To Get Closer With Your Close Ones For Dummies."

Besides Koneko's wish is Issei's not so surprising "I want to become a harem king!" The goddess answers seriously with a note that says "Start by being friends first" and another omamori with the kanji for friendship on it.

"...Hehehe..." Naruto chuckles at each gifts and gathers them up to put under the television cabinet. Once he closes the cabinet, he yawns loudly and walks upstairs to join his roommate. Too bad Tanabata didn't stick around, he gets a feeling she might be a good conversationalist in the arts of pranking.

* * *

AN

Idiot #1: Yo! Welcome back to a completely late installment of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef"!

Idiot #2: We'd like to take this time to thank all readers for reading and reviewing! Why? Because we finally passed the one hundred and fifty review mark~! YAY~!

Idiot #3: WHOOOOOOO! ONE FIVE ZEROOOOOOOOO!

Idiot #1: I think the red bull coffee is finally kicking in. Told you we should've stop at the Monster energy drink cappuccino.

Idiot #2: What're you talking bout, he says some pretty profound things when he's like this. Besides, we had to make him sit down and write somehow. This is the quickest way. Well... this or that weird serum that was supposed to quintuple our writing speed for a few weeks of our life.

Idiot #3: Fate is predetermined by an immortal space monkey with a type writer, typing down our life since the dawn of time itself!

Idiot #1: Anyways, sorry for the heavy dialogue that this chapter holds. Character and plot development and all that hunk-a-junk.

Idiot #2: Sorry if anyone's disappointed in the seriousness. We'll return to our full course of slap stick comedy next chapter!

Idiot #3: We still have no idea what we're writing lol~!

Idiot #1: Can't argue with the idiot there... Oh, Naruto used senjutsu to catch the foreign agent of Ophis in case you didn't catch that from reading. His sensing skills are strong even in base stats, but definitely not hundreds upon hundreds of meters strong.

Idiot #2: Leave any suggestions and comments for what high-schoolers like to do to help progress the story~!

Idiot #3: Please help save our neighbors from our blood raving, overly demonic ouja board~!

Idiot 1, 2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	7. Adventure Ramen

-At a Family Restaurant Near Uzumaki Ramen-

"So you have no idea what you wish to do for Naruto-san, just that you want to do something for him?" Dert raises one of his eyebrows in questioning as he gathers what the nervous boy before him said. He then smirks connivingly and says "My, my Issei-kun. How daring of you to make the first move. Why, not even Matsuri-san, whom lives with Naruto-san, had mustered up the courage to do what you're subtly implying."

"Tch. Are you helping me or not old man? Cause if not, I can always find someone else to get help from." Issei scowls at the middle aged man with a twitch of his eyebrow. Honestly, he had a hard time debating on whom to ask for help in finding Naruto a gift and Dert came out as number one simply because he knew Naruto the longest (tying with Issei). Matsuri was out since she's the type to think of everyone and will only advice Issei on getting something mundane while Koneko barely knows the blonde for more than a month.

"Ahahaha, it's just a little joke Issei-kun." Dert chuckles lowly from the top of his coffee cup and smiles at the brunette in a grandfatherly way. "But why would you want to buy him a present? If it's about him saving you from the near-accident, I'm sure he did it without expecting a gift. Anyone with a proper conscience would, after all. I think a polite thank you is all that's needed as thanks for someone like Naruto-san. Well, that or an orange whoopee cushion and a box of readymade instant ramen."

"...It's not just for him saving me. He's done a lot of things for me since I've first met him. He gives me advice and accommodates me with my high school lessons as well. I just want to thank him for helping me out so much." The teen furrows his eyes at the look the middle aged man is giving him. Somehow, he doesn't think that what he's thinking is what the man's thinking.

"What youthful innocence... Ah, how good it is to be young~" The man sighs with a grin and takes a long sip of coffee from his cup before slamming it down onto the table. His grin becomes a wide ear to ear smile as he proclaims "Very well Issei-kun! This Dertearg is willing to help you in your endeavors in any way possible! Be it money to resource to the greatest technologies in the world, I give you free range access to use it all!"

"Eh? I don't really need any of that. It would defeat the purpose of me being the one to get Naruto a gift. Just a little advice is all that I need. Thanks for the thought though." Issei waves off the generous offer from the extremely wealthy coffee addict and slouches back into his chair to get into a comfortable position.

"Muuu, if it was money, it would've been a lot easier." Dert pouts as he sits back into his chair and takes another draft of his coffee cup. Issei raises an eyebrow at what he says and he clarifies. "In case you haven't noticed, we know next to nothing about Naruto-san. It's not that we're bad friends but rather, it's because he never tells us anything about his past. We merely know some random facts that could be found in his registries and government kept paper works like his birth date and schooling but no real personal experience. From my memory, I only know for a fact that Matsuri is an unofficial relative of Naruto's and that he traveled the world before opening the ramen shop."

"Huh, you're right..." Issei holds his chin in between his thumb and index finger and tries to recall what he knew about the blonde in topic. Nothing pops up and it only reminds him of the reason why he's looking for help in the first place. He throws his hand into the air in surrender and sighs out "Dang, so I'm at a dead end huh?"

"Hmmm... not exactly, no. I think I might have an answer to our predicament." The middle age man rubs his stubble and mutters something. He then stands up and goes to pay the bill for the curry and hamburger that both he and Issei ordered before walking out the door of the restaurant with the brunette following closely behind. As he walks towards the direction of his van, he asks his brunette friend "Issei-kun, can you call Koneko-san and acquire her help as well? I have an idea that just might work."

"Huh? Koneko? Sure, if she's free I guess..." Issei follows the man with a questioning raise of his brows as he pulls out his phone and complies with the man's request.

* * *

-Unknown Hospital Basement-

"...We're what?" Koneko pinches her cheeks and slowly pulls as she muffles out her question to what Dert just said. Issei did the same thing as well.

"I want you and Issei-kun to use these untested virtual reality mind jacking machines that my company had made a few weeks earlier to access Naruto-san's memories and dreams. Once inside, I would like you to look around and find any information about a good gift to give Naruto-san." The middle aged man replies simply as he types on a keyboard in front of a glowing futuristic looking machine.

"...And pray tell, what is a virtual reality mind jacking machine and how does it enter the mind of someone?" Issei asks as he pinches the bridge of his nose. Honestly, there were plenty of other questions he wanted to ask as well like: Why are they in a creepy basement under an abandoned hospital, why Dert's company felt the need to make something that's basically an interrogation tool, why they thought it was a good idea to leave something so ominous sounding out in the middle of nowhere and so many other questions. He just felt that these two questions were the slightly more important and on topic ones. The rest might give him more of a headache than an answer.

"Well, the virtual reality mind jacking machine is just what it sounds like. It hijacks the user's mind and inputs it into a virtual reality that is closely akin too a mirror of the mind. As for the memory and dream programs-" Dert stops typing and looks up from his keyboard filled with too many buttons to turn his gaze at the pair of observers. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a plastic card with a single strand of yellow hair in between it. "-it is just a gimmick that one of the lab monkeys created to get to know his girlfriend better. It ended up with him breaking up with his girlfriend immediately after."

The middle aged man walks past the white and brown haired pair to access another machine that's held together by lots of wires to all the other machines. He puts the plastic card into the new machine and continues typing while giving Issei and Koneko a sideway glance as they starts talking.

"So we're going to look into Naruto's dream to find a perfect gift for Issei to buy?" Koneko tilts her head sideways in confusion as she doesn't quite understand the urgent need for her own presence in this situation.

"Ah, that's where the problem comes from. Navigating the memories and dreams of someone is like sorting through a complex puzzle. It's hard, so the tech monkeys decided to turn the thing into a literal puzzle and made the whole machine into a sort of puzzle game." Dert finishes typing on the keyboard and gestures the two to follow him towards two beds with weird helmets attached to it. "As I expected, Naruto-san's memories is sorted straight forwardly into a dungeon that only goes down. It has one hundred floors and each floor has a guard of sort. The guards are a part of Naruto-san's dreams and are either a person or an embodiment of his memories of some sort. Your goal is to navigate to the end of the dungeon and complete the navigation. From there, we can collect the data of the dream and pull out the potentially perfect gift."

"That's sounds needlessly complicated." Issei scrunches his eyebrow and looks at Dert suspiciously as he pats the beds, gesturing them to lay down on it.

"Nothing I can do. This is the best bet we have." Dert shrugs his shoulder and takes a sip of his coffee as he moves sideways to make room for Koneko. Issei soon follows the white haired girl's lead and sits on the bed.

"Don't worry about time. I've regulated it so that the dream is much longer than reality so unless you spend around ten years in there, we'll have enough time to by the gift as you finish." Issei and Koneko gives the middle aged man one last slightly doubtful look and puts on their helmets. They both lose consciousness immediately and Dert smiles mischievously. He walks over to one of the machines, tap a few buttons and falls backwards as a large cushioned chair appears underneath him. He pulls out a large tub of popcorn and slumps backwards as a large flat screen television slides down from the ceiling, showing the image of the two teens looking around confusedly in a stone cavern/ corridor.

"Separation from reality, check. Time flow stop, check. Record function, on and check. Popcorn, double check! Haaaah, it's good that I have the power to basically do whatever I want but really, it's so tiring~ I guess I can indulge my friends from time to time though." With a large content sigh, the humanoid dragon amongst dragons pops a small piece of popcorn into his mouth and watches the chaos unfold.

* * *

-Cavern of Memories-

"Whoa..." Issei blinks a few times as his surrounding changes from a technological madman's lab in a hospital's basement to a large cavernous corridor. He looks besides him as Koneko grabs his sleeve and steadies herself. Apparently she couldn't take the sudden change in environment as well as he had.

"It feels so real..." Once steadied, the white haired girl looks around the cavern and touches the wall.

"Yeah, this is pretty amazing." Issei nods as well as he taps the floor with his foot and hear the echoing thud rang through the corridor as a result.

RINNNNNG~ RINNNNNG~ RINNNNNG ~

""..?"" The two looks at each other in confusion and looks down at their own perspective pockets as something in it vibrates and rings. Reaching for the pocket, the each find a ring and a small folded note. Quizzically they both open the notes at the same time and reads them.

_'Koneko-san, put on the ring. It will allow you to access your rook powers as well as chakra and senjutsu for the upcoming challenge.'_ Koneko blinks in surprise at the note and rereads it a few time to figure out that Dert knows of her abilities and current race. She scrunches her eyebrows as she figures that Naruto probably told him and puts on the ring. Immediately, a rush of power enters her body as chakra flows evenly through her veins without her guidance. She mentally puts a stop on it and glance sideways to blink in surprise when Issei puts on his own ring.

_'Issei-kun, put the ring on your left hand. It will allow you access to a tool call the Boosted Gear. Just focus on your left hand, think the words Boosted Gear and it'll work. Use it for the upcoming challenge.'_ Issei raise a brow at the note as it catches into flames and lets go before the flames touches his hand. Following the note, he puts the ring on the left hand and thinks the word Boosted Gear. Immediately, a red flash appears with his hand as the center and when the light dies down, his hand is covered in an extremely decorated red gauntlet with numerous green jewels imbued into it.

"Whoa..." Issei blinks as the jewels glow a bit after the word "Boost" echoes through his mind and feels himself grow more energetic. He feels his muscles grow stronger, his limbs grow limber, himself grow more powerful and many more. He whistles inside his head as he feel one of the many things the strange middle age man can do with a bit of effort. He turns around to see Koneko not having a similar weapon but just the ring on her finger. He raises an eyebrow at this and asks "You didn't get a weapon?"

"...Status upgrade. I'm more... durable." Koneko blinks in surprise at the question and answers with a bit of deliberation. She assumed that Issei knew of her powers but now doubts that as he just asked her if she had her own Sacred Gear. The fact that he's marvelling his own weapon with such interest tells her that he didn't know he owns a Sacred Gear at all either. She makes note to not speak of the supernatural around Issei, assuming he doesn't know about it already. She secretly wonders why Naruto hasn't told Issei already.

"Oh, looks like the first stage is ready. Let's get this over with, right Koneko?" Though he says it like it's a chore, Issei is literally bouncing down the newly lit path in the corridor. Koneko rolls her eyes at the boy's liveliness and jogs after him.

* * *

**Floor 1: Ebisu**

"Issei! Behind!" Koneko gives a quick direction as she senses the man wearing the shady looking shades move quickly behind her friend.

"Guh!" Issei lifts his _gauntleted_ arm up just in time to block his neck as the man appears at his back and strikes with a knife. He grunts while holding his ground as the force behind the attack was surprising strong and attempts to grab the man's arm. The man disappears again in a burst of speed and reappears on the other side of the room. The man discards the knife which broke from the confrontation with Issei's gauntlet and pulls out another one before disappearing.

"Left... right... front... UP!" Koneko tracks the man's movement and expertly makes an uppercut timed using only her senjutsu as her sense. She grunts as her strike matches his and the ground she stands on craters.

"DRAGON SHOT!" A red beam of energy blasts towards the shaded man and strikes him with a satisfying roar. Issei whooped in victory as he fell to his knees in exhaustion of the "Reset" as he calls it but Koneko kept her senses on full throttle.

"Issei! Behind!" The white haired girl screams in urgency as the brunette turns around at the same time only to meet a kunai to the face. A burnt piece of wood falls from the dissipation of the earlier energy blast and the brunette falls. "ISSEI!"

Koneko didn't make it very far either as the man takes advantage of the moment of pause to trap her in a rope of hidden wire with pieces of paper on it. The man puts two fingers in front of his face and announces "Katsu." Everything went white.

...

"GAH! That's the seventh time we've lost to him! What kind of dungeon is this?! The first level is a last boss level! What happened to the slime level dammit?!" Outside the entrance of the first level, Issei tears at his hair and rolls around in frustration.

"...He's a part of Naruto's memory." Koneko mutters in wonder as she re-evaluates the challenge of the task before them. It's just the first level and they've already met someone who's stronger than her and as fast as Kiba. She narrows her eye as the hurdle raises itself higher when she figures out that the man is probably only the tip of the iceberg. If Naruto can use senjutsu, his teacher who taught him is probably somewhere within the dungeon as well.

"Well at least I'm catching up to him. I can react to his speed at the fifth boost and sort of match him on the sixth boost. His strength can be reached on the sixth boost as well but..." Issei makes a gesture while trying to find the word that he needs. He gives up in the end but Koneko got the gist of it. Fighting experience, the man is full of it while the pair has a grand total of a few small scuffles in comparison.

The man fights with grace, technique, decisiveness and absolute certainty of his victory. Meanwhile, Koneko and Issei flounders around to keep up with the man as he slowly chip away at their defence, waiting for the chance to strike a killing blow. The difference between reaction time and strategy trumps over them even if they were a match in terms of strength and speed.

RINNNNNG~ RINNNNNG~ RINNNNNG ~

"Hmm?" Issei stops his floundering as he feels his pocket vibrate. He reaches in and pulls out a note. He opens it and holds it so that both he can Koneko can read it together. Not ten second later, Koneko grabs the note and punches it to oblivion, it along with the ground under it.

_'It seems that you're having a lot of trouble. Since I'm generous, I'll tell you this after watching you for so long. First, he doesn't have any memory of previous fights. Every time he fights, he has to re-analyze your fighting style, use that time of analyzing to your advantage! Second, Issei-kun gains access to a new boost the longer time goes on, each time is around ten second so stall if you can until you can outspeed him completely! Third, Koneko-san should be careful about your kicks. He's been getting sneaking peeks under your skirt. On that side note, cat patterns fit you!_

_Good luck! Dertearg.'_

"So he has been watching us this whole time... Che, he only choose to help us now?" Issei sighs exasperatingly and looks over at a steaming Koneko. He chooses wisely to not mention anything near her lower body and instead planned for a strategy against the enemy. Secretly, he wants to just give up and buy the blonde a box of ramen but that would insult everyone's help. "What do you think we should do?"

"Do you think you can beat him after two minutes of using your "Boost"?" Koneko asks as she realizes that each fight so far has lasted for a minute at most. If what Issei says is true, then twelve boosts is more than enough to outrank the opponent in terms of strength and speed. Hopefully, it is enough so that he can ignore the handicap of experience in fighting.

"No, at the rate "Boost" was powering me up, seven...maybe eight is all that's needed to outmatch him. That's what I feel anyway." Issei determinedly says as he rebukes Koneko's claim. The girl nods in acknowledgment and frowns in concentration.

"We have to hold him out for a minute at the least..." Koneko feels a slight touch of encouragement from the brunette's words but squashes it down as a wave if depression hits her. In comparison, her sister, the person she wishes to catch up to and reunite with, is much stronger than this man and here she is, planning to stall him rather than defeating him. If it continues like this... she'll never catch up her Nee-sama.

"...We'll think of something. After all, we still have ninety nine more floors to beat, right?" Issei notices the white haired girl's melancholy and pats her head with a stupid grin (so told by Naruto). She looks at him in surprise before nodding her head once with a little smile of her own. They take another moment to calm themselves then stand and face the door to the room once more.

_'Phew, I gotta finish this quickly and find a gift for Koneko and Dert for helping me as well! Yeah, let's do this!'_ Issei pumps himself up and pushes the door open while taking steady strides into the room.

_'I'm not by myself... There are others to help me reach Nee-sama. Together, we can reach her. This is just the first challenge!'_ Koneko nods at the solution. She reaffirms herself when Issei patted her and walks in after the brunette.

...

"Three." Issei mutters as he keeps look at the man and another "Boost" rang through his mind. Unlike the other times where they both rushed in to attack the man, this time they waited back. Seeing as the man isn't attacking, it's safe to assume that Dert's advice is correct and that the man is analyzing them before attacking.

"..." Besides the brunette, Koneko stands completely still as she process nature energy into her chakra. Her senses heighten and she enters a stage of awareness that Naruto trained her to use for advantage. In this stage, she can predict movement and sense energy almost at a high Bishop's or Queen's level. This is a stage that she only managed to reach twice during the seven fights against the man. Naruto had said that there were higher advancements in using senjutsu but recommended that this stage is the one she stops at until she gains more experience at using the art. She silently apologizes to the blonde as she broke the rule and continued to process nature energy.

"Six." Issei feels another rush of energy as a "Boost" occurs and tenses his muscles as the plan is now at the critical stage. The moment he shifted however, the man disappears in a burst of speed and appears in front of the both of them with a knife readied. Issei foresaw this move ahead of time from experience and swings his fist at where he felt the man would most likely be at.

CLANG!

"KUH!" The sound of metal hitting metal echoes outwards from the point of impact. Issei grimaces as he feels the recoil of the strike rippling through his arm. Using the recoil to his advantage, he quickly pulls back his left fist and leans his upper body backwards with it for a kick. The man spins once to roll past Issei's sloppy attack and uses the momentum to swing another knife that he pulled out from his waist bag after discarding the one Issei broke on contact.

"...Done, nyah." Koneko sensed the man's intention and punches at the knife before it touches the brunette. She widens her eyes in surprise as her fist didn't just knock back the knife but broke into it and continues to strike the man in the stomach.

BAM!

"...Close..." Koneko lowers her fist as chips of wood falls from where she landed her punch and turns towards where the man reappeared, on the other side of the room. She feels her ear twitch and tail sways and wonders when they got loose from the bindings used to hide them.

"Seven." Issei straightens from the odd posture he gotten into during the conflict and punches his fist into the gauntlet's palm. Beside him Koneko nods in acknowledgement and settles into what looks like a modified boxing stance.

"..." The man pushes up his glasses with the index finger of his left hand and uses the other hand to pull out another knife from his waist pouch. A moment later, everyone moves into action.

* * *

**Floor 2: Jiraiya**

"In my defense, I did not know he could breathe fire." Outside the room for the second floor, Issei tries to placate a glaringly mad Koneko. The battle lasted longer than they had both thought due to the man having more tricks up his sleeves than just disappearing and attacking from behind or replacing fatal hits with wood. The clash ended when Issei calls forth a rather ingenious plan from the deepest crevices of his brain where Koneko box the man in from the front and he blasts him with a "Dragon Shot" from the air (don't ask how he got into the air). What he didn't account for though, was that the man can breathe fire. The "Dragon Shot" landed head on and disabled the man but the impact caused the flames to spread out and hit Koneko, burning... most of her clothing in the process. Funnily enough, the man's first and last words were "Cat panties, moe." Issei gave him a discreet thumbs up in agreement as Koneko landed the finishing blow, repeatedly.

"..." Koneko continues to glare at the teen as she moves slightly but noticeably away from the teen while hugging her uniform (which repaired itself after walking out of the floor's exit). She harrumphs and pushes the door open, ready to vent her anger not on the boy who was technically at fault but on the next target.

WHOOSH!

""!"" A strong gust of wind blows into their faces the moment they step into the room and allow the door to close. They both cover their eye and began their own perspective battle mode initiation. By the time the wind dies down, Issei gathered his first "Boost" and Koneko juggled between preparing to fight with and collect more nature energy.

Dum badum dum dum dum dum ding~

""?"" While still in battle mode, the two confusedly looks at the direction where music of some sort is coming from. Since the gust earlier knocked up a lot of dust, they didn't see much. Another gust of wind blows by and knocks away the dust, showing a giant frog at the far end of the room with smaller frogs surrounding it, playing... music?

"Listen up, you chicks! Open up your beady little eyes and take a good look! Behold, the divine ninja Jiraiya's... Free and uninhibited, wild dance!" Atop the giant frog, a man wearing a green kimono and matching pants with a red haori over the kimono dances on his gettas. He exclaims something completely incomprehensible and flips around his ridiculously long spiky white hair.

""..."" Koneko and Issei stands stalk still in battle position and gives the man a dual "The Hell?!" face. The music dies down and the small frogs bows before disappearing in plumes of smoke. They stood silent still. A tumbleweed passes by somewhere in between.

"...Lord Jiraiya. Why are the enemies not doing anything?" The large frog shifts from its still position and whispers as quietly as it can. Issei's and Koneko's "The Hell?!" face gains a new level of intensity.

"They're just wallowing within our amazingness, Gamagachi. It is honorable to give them a moment of reprieve to burn my gallant figure within their mind." Without shifting from his one legged pose, the man whispers back just loudly enough for the teens to hear with a completely serious look on his face

"Like hell!" Issei, being trained for a year to be Naruto's straight man, throws a five "Boost" "Dragon Shot" at the man from across the room. He immediately falls on his face as he loses all the energy he had gathered into the shot and was only saved when Koneko lowers herself to heal him with her senjutsu technique.

"...Not enough." Koneko narrows her eyes as her senjutsu given sense locks back onto the strange man's energy. She quickens Issei's stamina recovery by offering her own store and while continuing her multitasking of gathering natural energy and locking onto the man.

"Hoh? Not bad kid." The smoke blown up by "Dragon Shot" settles to show the man standing crossed armed with not even a scratch on his body. The only relieve they have is that the giant frog is gone. "That would've ruffled my clothes if you hadn't done it so far away, hahahahaha!"

"Why the hell is everyone in Naruto's memory so overpowered dammit!" Issei shakily stands back on his feet as his stamina recovers and he summons the gauntlet again with a quick mental order. He stands straighter after the first "Boost".

"Of course I'm strong! I would've whooped the brat's butt more if he'd thought otherwise, hahahaha!" The white haired man laughs loudly and disappears from their sight. From their previous meeting with disappearing characters, both Issei and Koneko quips their head behind them only to meet two large palms tapping their center and push them down onto their butts effortlessly.

"Eh?" Koneko widens her eyes as nature energy leaves her energy at a rapid pace and kill her ongoing momentum, leaving her effectively disabled until she can balance her internal storage back to normal. She flinches when she feels the man pats her head gently.

"You're good to be able to control senjutsu like that at such a young age but don't overwork yourself. It'll be a shame for a cute kid like you to turn into a statue before you even hit puberty, hahahaha." The man takes two long steps from behind the two downed teens and flops on his butt after turning around. He puts on a huge smile and leans his head into one hand while propping the arm on his knee. "So! What're kids like you doing here in the shades of the brat's memories?"

"Huh?" Issei blinks in confusion as he looks at the strange man with a slight tilt to his head.

"Well that intelligent answer rules out that you're a Yamanaka." The man mutters under his breath before rubbing his chin a bit and asks with a raised eyebrow "You kids do know where you are right?"

"We're in Naruto's dreams and memories, correct?" Koneko answers this time with more certainty to her voice than her brunette friend but still kept it a question. The situation is strange enough as it is. Talking to Naruto's memories isn't exactly making it worse, in fact, it might actually clear up a few things.

"To an extent, yes. So that means you're here on purpose. Seeing as you don't mean much harm though... why are you looking through the brat's brain?" The white haired man continues the back and forth questioning session with a raised eyebrow.

Koneko narrows her eyes as she feels something... off about the casual tone he used. Before she could put any thought into it however, Issei answers.

"Ah, we wanted to find a good present for Naruto. I kinda feel like I owe him, haha." The brunette teen rubs the back of his head sheepishly and lets out a dry laugh.

The man pauses for a moment, as if trying to process the words the teen had spoken and asks for the brunette to say it again. After Issei repeats himself, the man blinks owlishly at the teen and looks over to the girl for confirmation. The girl slowly nods her head while not meeting the man's eyes. "...You used an advance Ying-release technique to infiltrate the brat's brain and find him the perfect present?"

"...Yes?" Koneko nods again as she looks over at Issei, who looks confused about the phrasing as well but nods anyways.

"HAHAHAHA! That's hilarious! The boy struck gold! He's found comrades who have even less common sense than he does!" The man laughs loudly while rudely pointing an index finger at the two teens before him. The laughter did not die down until a good minute later and Issei contemplated throwing a 15 "Boost" "Dragon Shot" at the man before deciding to save up some more for a sure kill blow. "Have you tried treating him to a full course of all-you-can-eat ramen fest? The brat used to love it when he ate me out of my money."

"I would but he owns a ramen shop. There's not much of a point." Issei sighs as he slumps over and leans his head onto his gauntlet hand.

"...Hoh? So he stopped and chose another career path?" The man straightens his posture immediately and solemnly asks the teen in a soft spoken serious tone.

"Aren't you his memory? Shouldn't you know?" The brunette asks with a confused look on his face.

"I'm a part of his memory, not his whole memory. Remember what I said before? You're in the shades of the brat's memory. Everyone here, excluding you two, is a portion of the brat's memory dedicated to keeping notes of what that person is like. Think of us as folders for sorting out faces." The man takes a moment more to contemplate what he should explain next before pointing a finger at himself and saying "We're not him. We're what he remembers us as. We're the embodiment of memories, the shades of memories. Therefore, anything he thinks we don't know, we won't know."

"But... you sound like you're close to him. Shouldn't you know that he had... quit his career?" Koneko slowly asks as she still finds what the man says to be slightly paradoxical. The man sounds so, cheerful, when talking about the blonde. If Naruto remembers the man as someone who's close to him then shouldn't his memory of the man be more caught up to current time?

"I've said it before. If he thinks I don't know then I won't know. The only reason we shades won't know something is because he thinks he's keeping it a secret from the real us, because he's lost contact with the real us somewhere down the line or most like..." The man speaks softly, almost melancholically, and puts on a smile as he sadly trails off the last one. Koneko widens her eyes as a thought reached her mind.

"...Or most likely?" Issei puts on a grim face as he too understood the underlying tone.

"...Because we're dead." The man completes with certainty, implying to them that he's one of those within this category.

"""..."""

"Well enough about that! I've kept you kids waiting long enough. Just go ahead downstairs and have your adventure!" Quickly putting back on a bright smile, the man stands up and pats the dust off of his pants. He points at the other side of the room and an entrance into the walls materializes out of nowhere, similarly to the first floor after Koneko defeated the man wearing the sunglasses.

"Are you sure you're supposed to just let us pass?" Issei raises an eyebrow at the blatant disregard for the built in rule (abiet, there isn't any written but it's implied).

"Meh. If you mean any harm, one of the other shades will just kick your ass til you give up. It doesn't really make any difference since you're low-jounin level at tops. I'm sure Hatake or Tsunade will be happy to take over." The man shrugs and says some incomprehensible but ominous sounding words.

"...You both have such a carefree attitude towards the important sounding things." Koneko states with scrunched eyebrows and a small scowl.

"It runs in the family. He is my godson after all. Now, go on. Shoo. Find a shade that knows the perfect gift for the brat, I never really gave him anything good anyways so I wouldn't help much. If all else fails, just treat him to a popsicle. The brat has a sweet tooth for the orange flavored ones... though, blue ones are good too." The man makes shooing motions with one of his hand while using the other to push Issei, who in turn pushed Koneko, towards the exit with a small piece of advice.

"Sure thing. Thanks for the info old man!" Issei grins and thanks the man before running towards the exit.

"...Thank you." Koneko gives a slight bow to show respect and follows the brunette.

"..." Jiraiya looks at the two teen as they jog towards the entrance and watches as it closes behind them. The room grows dimmer and he feels his own presence fade. He smiles fondly and says before disappearing "You've found good friends, Naruto."

* * *

**Floor 3: Boxing Kangaroos**

"URAAAH!" "...Shou!"

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Gah!" Issei flies back towards the entrance of the cave after taking a hit on his unguarded stomach. He slams onto the closed entrance of the room and staggers back to his feet as a "Boost" flows through his body and reinforces his stamina and endurance. Even with his fifth "Boost" though, he still feels an pain wracking his body.

"Gu!" A moment after Issei got knocked back towards the entrance, Koneko follows as she's unable to match the flow of the five gloved pair of kangaroos. She twists her body in the air and lands in a crouching position with one hand holding her throbbing sides.

"It's no good. We can't beat them like this. Their combination attacks are too synchronized for either of us to keep up with." Issei glares at the kangaroo wearing three boxing gloves.

"What do you think we should do?" Koneko twitches her ears and sways her tail while she wearily keeps the bouncing kangaroo in sight. She pulls back into her modified boxing stance and chance a look at Issei.

"..." Issei grinds his teeth as he wracks his brain for a plan that could counter the multiple hits. Suddenly, a lightbulb appears out of nowhere and smashes into his head, "Ding." He widens his eyes as the answer comes to him from nowhere and turns towards Koneko with a serious look. "Koneko, I have a plan. Work with me on this one.

"..." The girl looks into the teen's eye and sees firm determination. She smiles slightly and nods.

Soon after, the two of them rush back into battle. Koneko, who hanged loosely from the straps that Issei tied to his front to hold her (think baby strap carrier), blocked all attacks from the blind spots while Issei engaged the Adult Kangaroo in a straight out fist fight with his continuous "Boost". They won beautifully with their teamwork.

* * *

**Floor 4: Genzo**

"Stay still you two! This is a serious picture for your future career!" An old man pokes his head out from behind an old fashion camera and berates his two newest clients.

"..." Koneko inwardly raises an eyebrow as she stands without movement. Besides her, Issei fidgets some more before stopping and looks anxiously at the camera, as if expecting a beam to come out of it or something... Though knowing Naruto, the chances aren't that slim.

"On three now. One, two, four." The man speaks in a monotone voice and says his lines. He clicks the picture on four and sends them out of the room to the next level.

The whole way to the door, Issei keeps looking behind his back, his gauntlet readied and "Boosted" the whole way through.

* * *

**Floor 5: Issei Hyoudou**

"Wait a minute, why the hell are we fighting me?!" Issei yells loudly as he points one gauntlet finger at himself across the room.

"The same question goes for me. Why would I be inside Naruto's shades of memories without his presence and with Koneko instead? Wait... could this be a date?! Real me! Dating a minor is illegal you know!" The other Issei exclaims loudly and looks at them in alarm. He uncrosses his arm and look at the pair in no hidden shock.

"We're here to find the perfect gift for Naruto. Can you let us through?" Koneko answers the other brunette with a twitch to her eyebrows. Though they are the same person, the other across the room is more... exasperating, than the one next to her. Is this what Issei is like from Naruto's point of view?

"A gift? What for? His birthday is not until October." The other Issei blinks in surprise and gives them a questioning look.

"A gift for saving our asses. Remember? The near hit and run car accident?" Issei looks incredulously at his alternate and explains the need for a gift.

"Oh... so the real me is still on that huh?" The other Issei ohs in understanding and takes a thinking pose for a few moments before snapping his finger with a large smile. "Have you tried giving him an orange whoopee cushion and a box of ramen?"

"Why does everyone think to suggest that I do something as insensitive as that?!" Stomping his foot down on the ground, Issei grabs his hair in frustration and screams aloud. First it was Dert, then Koneko and now Naruto's living personification of himself. Why does everyone think he'll skimp out on giving a well thought out gift?!

"Not good huh? Well then, I guess you'll have to pass me in order to get to the other shades!" The other Issei laughs sheepishly at his true self's reaction, it looks like he stepped on a landmine created by himself. Straightening himself, the teen pulls out a futuristic looking tranquilizer gun from his back pocket and aims it at Koneko.

BANG!

""!"" Through many hit and fail trials, Issei and Koneko shoots off immediately with their augmented speed and blitzes their enemy as he slowly initiates his attack. By the time that the shot was fired, the two of them were already halfway across the room and were still accelerating towards the other brunette.

"HA!" "...Hup!"

Quickly finishing the rest of the distance, Koneko and Issei punches forward as the other Issei lowers his hand with a surprise look on his face.

BAM! BAM!

"Huh?" Issei looks in surprise as his gauntlet fist strike a black wall where his other self's face was a mere moment ago. Before he could make sense of anything however, the black wall pulses and shoots him back to the wall of the entrance with a strong gust of wind.

"?!" Koneko, who's a step slower than her partner's "Boost" heightened speed, sees the teen as he flies backwards and immediately jumps away on instinct with widened eyes. Not even a moment later, a beam of red hot energy incinerates the floor where she stood. Not chancing something completely unknown, she pulls back for a tactical retreat and was at Issei's side a few instants later. She notes that the black substance to cause the retreat did not do anything else but cloak itself over the other Issei's shoulder. Her Issei heavily pulls himself onto his feet after the crash into the wall and together, they cautiously gauge their enemy.

"...Whoa. Did you guys train behind Naruto's back to get revenge on him for the pranks? Because you are fast~!" Alternate Issei looks at the pair with starry eyes as he whistles lowly and switches his gun to semi-automatic fire nonchalantly. "Seriously, that was like twice Olympic running speed. I didn't even see you move."

"The same question goes for me." Issei grunts as he straightens his stance after another "Boost" comes and reduces the pain from the attack. "What the hell is that thing on your back? I'm pretty sure I've never seen that in my life."

"Eh? You too? I have no idea what it is either." Alternate Issei shrugs his shoulders and looks at the cape in curiosity. A moment later, it changes into another gun similar to his first and then into a gauntlet similar to Issei's, both keeping the blackened shade. Alternate Issei whistles lowly and turns it back into a gun before pointing both at the pair. "Sure is useful though, apparently it can change shape."

BANG!

It took Koneko and Issei three retries to pass the level. On the second try, Koneko managed to pass the hails of elemental bullets and struck a lucky hit on the black wall/weapon, cracking it with her senjutsu augmented strength. On the third try, they took advantage of the knowledge restart on the Alternate's side and had Koneko attacked him first with a full out senjutsu blow, penetrating the wall and striking down the other teen. Alternate Issei's last words were directed to the real Issei. "At least wait until she's eighteen before initiating step 2.6B of the Harem Plan...Dies."

Issei ignored all of Koneko's questions about the Harem Plan on their way to the next level.

* * *

**Floor 6: Madara Uchiha and Jubi**

"...I get the feeling that if we open this door, we'll be seeing immediate death." Issei gulps loudly as he looks at the innocent looking door handle. It might've been either his sense of self-preservation or his well honed Naruto trouble senses but something is telling him to use the "GTFO" maneuver.

"...I think we should follow Jiraiya-san's word and treat Naruto to some ice cream." Koneko vigorously agrees with the teen as she too feels something very wrong coming from the other side of the door. It might be because she's currently really in tune with nature right now or because her kind has sharper instinct than most other species but something is telling her to abuse the most used of the thirty six stratagems: Retreat... forever.

"So... retreat?" Issei gives his white haired partner a side glance and asks the most obvious question. She returns his look with a definite nod and together they turn around yelling

""DERT GET US OUT! WE'RE DONE HERE!""

Not a moment later, their vision blackens as if they blinked and wakes up in the beds under the hospital basement again.

* * *

-Uzumaki Ramens-

"The shop sure is empty today..." Matsuri sighs in the quiet shop. She looks down at her tea and raises the cup to take a sip.

"It's been a slow week... we've made enough from the lunch time rush." Naruto simply says while leaning his back against the chair. His head is tilted back in his seat with his nose facing the ceiling. His hands gingerly gripping the cup as the clock ticks by.

"Only enough to meet the quota for the month. We've been skimming by for a while now..." Matsuri frowns as she remembers her earlier bookkeeping. They've been barely making enough per month to keep the shop afloat on the green zone.

"Do not worry about money trouble. I can always find a way to work that out. You're young so you forget-" The blonde pulls his face back towards horizontal and smiles at his silver haired roommate. "That I've kept this shop running on worse condition."

"...In human years, you're not old enough to brag about age seniority, Naruto-sama." Matsuri playfully a smile back at the blonde before standing up and goes to make more tea for the two of them. As she enters the kitchen however, the doorbell rings open and the two of the missing group members' voice is declared throughout the shop's empty interior.

"Yo, we're here."

"...Hello."

"For five it is." Matsuri smiles as she pours more water into the pot on the stove. She then carefully goes to the cabinet to get more of Naruto's handmade tealeaves and waits for the water to boil.

"Hey, Matsuri. We've brought some of ice cream. Thought you might want to try the green tea flavored one so come out and eat before it melts kay?" Isse's head pops out of the entrance and the teen gives the silverette a greeting and a wide grin.

"Thank you very much Issei-kun. I'll be out immediately." Matsuri returns the smile and the brunette nods before ducking back out again.

"..." Outside the kitchen, Koneko plops into her usual seat and pulls a random stick of ice cream from the bag. She blinks in surprise when she pulls out a two in one futi bar packs and remembers Floor 2's old man's last word. "If all else fails, just treat him to a popsicle. The brat has a sweet tooth for the orange flavored ones... though, blue ones are good too." She looks down at her bar and sees that it's a light blueberry flavor. Inwardly shrugging, she pops open the bag and split the stick into two. Holding one out to her blonde friend she asks "Want one?"

"...Thanks, blue ones are my favorite." The blonde blinks at her for a moment and glazes over his eyes when he sees the blue bar. He quickly returns with a big smile and accepts the blue stick. As he ate, he turns on the television and the game system while handing the white haired girl the controller. In the game system, he inserts the newest version of "Love! School Fest!" which has been said on the net to have every route as hard as the regular tsundere route.

"..." Koneko narrows her eyes at the challenge and took the controller from the blonde before starting a new file on the game. She takes a peak at the other files and widens her eyes at the completion rate the blonde chef has on the game, especially since it only came out two days before. Firing up from the challenge now, she finishes her fruit bar and quickly grabs another ice cream stick while quickly reading through the walls of text.

Issei got out of the kitchen to join them when Koneko enters her third stick of ice cream and quickly makes to retireve at least one for himself. Matsuri came out of the kitchen with two buckets of Naruto's specially made ramen ice cream to share with the group along with her tea. She quite enjoyed the green tea flavored treat. Dert joins in on them after parking his van and treats the group to another bag of ice cream when Koneko decimated the first bag while trying to rush-clear the Kuudere little sister route. Tears flowed freely from her eyes as she reads the heavy but extremely emotional dialogue but she persisted with great determination. Kurama complimented her on her powerful gaming aura and Naruto smiles lazily while watching the scene, ensnaring the image into his mind for a long time to come.

Like that, they spent the rest of the day sitting around. Issei finally got what he wanted before he left with a quick thanks as he walks out the door.

* * *

-Omake: Extra Levels-

**Floor 4 (alternate): Haido**

"Huff... huff...huff... Do you really think you've got the best of me?!" The fake priest throws away his broken glasses and rips off his ripped clothes to show a lean body that's riddled with bruises cause from the fight he had earlier with the fools in front of him.

"Sorta, yeah. You're on your last leg, I'm on my last leg and Koneko's ready to go." Issei struggles back on to his feet while Koneko emphasizes what the brunette said by shadow boxing energetically next to him. The brunette straightens his back and gets into a stance that worked after another "Boost" ran through him. "Nevermind, now it's just you who's on your last leg."

"Hmmp, impudent fool. I've only begun to show my power. For you see, this-" The man gestures his body. "-Isn't even my final form! URAHHHHHHH!"

"What?!" Issei takes a step back as the man bends down and begins screaming. Before the teen, the man is engulfed within a giant spiking aura of green and he changes form. What was once human starts looking inhuman and by the time the aura dissipates a bit, the man is turned completely black.

"His power level... it's over nine thousand." Koneko stares in awed horror as her senjutsu senses give her an approximation of the man's dangerousness.

"What?! Over nine thousand?! But that's impossible!" Issei looks at his partner in shock.

"Kukuku, shall we begin?" The blackened man chuckles and disappears. The pair grits their teeth and moves as well.

After a while, they were able to win with using two "Dragon Shot", one completely normal while another made out of Nature Energy.

...

**Floor 6 (behind the scene): Madara Uchiha and Jubi**

"..." Posing in a rather dramatic fashion atop the Jubi, Madara intently stares at the closed wooden entrance with his Rinnegan eyes. Though the lights were dimmed for dramatic effects, he could still see relatively well past the marbled wall and at the intruders, or rather, their chakra outline.

"..." Below him, the Jubi prepares its giant party popper and holds it at the door. It's tail wags back and forth as it too, waits in anticipation for the enemies to come.

"...Hm?" He squints his eyes when the chakra shapes shift around in front of the door but didn't enter. After a while, the shapes disappear and he feels the Jubi drooping in disappointment underneath him. He pats the beast and says encouragingly "Maybe they're tired from navigating this far. Do not worry, a worthy enemy shall appear for us to fight soon."

"..." The Jubi grows a hopeful eye on top of its head and looks at Madara. The man puts on a reassuring smile and gives the eyeball a signature Good Gai thumbs up. The beast rumbles in joy at having such a great friend and turns around to put down the party popper.

Madara jumps down the beast and begins putting the food he had prepared away in the refrigerator. It was his hopes to celebrate with the intruders for being the first to enter his new humble abode (Hashirama did not count, he was an uninvited guest).

He pouts in a bit of sadness as he thought about how the other shades never visited him. It's not like he's going to try to kill them or anything... at first anyways. Behind him, the Jubi rolls in its cushioned bed and began gnawing on a bone it got from Gods know where.

...

**Floor 32: Namikaze Minato**

"Wow, you two have good teamwork! I might actually have to get serious, hahaha!" A blonde man who could almost be a clone of Naruto laughs aloud as he takes off his burnt overcoat and sets it aside. He then looks at the tired pair before him and nods. They were trying their best to defeat him so he should be doing the same.

"You mean you weren't?!" Issei squeaks he had just put his all into the last "Dragon Shot" in a beam shoot off with the man's "Rasengan: Beam". He had won the battle but the man came out relatively unscratched while the brunette is on his knees.

"..." Koneko does her first aid with senjutsu as the man says the ominous words.

"...Sha!" The blonde man angles his fist to hang by his sides and closes his eyes in concentration. He then opens them quickly as the ground cracks under him and a wave of golden energy surrounds his body. The energy swirls around him until it fully encases his body and dissipates slightly to show in within a new golden overcoat.

"Ra-Sen-" He bends his knees and cups his hands to his sides. A blue orb of energy appears within the two hands and the man tenses his body. "-Gan-BEAM!"

Issei and Koneko watches in awed terror as a beam even bigger than the first shoots itself from the man's hand and heads towards them with amazing speed.

...

**Floor 55: Koneko Toujo/ Shirone  
**

"Great, now we're fighting you. Anything you wanna tell me about that's up your sleeve before I find out the hard way?" Issei groans out as he looks at another Alternate Version of the two. Unlike Alternate Issei however, this Koneko is acting completely different from her usual self is and is literally running around in circles chasing a butterfly.

"...I punch hard?" Koneko raises an eyebrow at her Alternate's behavior and searches her brain for anything that might've made Naruto think that this is her. The search ended up inconclusive.

"NYA!" Alternate Koneko makes a mighty swipes and pins the butterfly down to the ground with a triumphant cry. As she was about to inspect her hunt however, she finally notices the two invaders in her room and stares at them. A few minutes passes by with her just staring unblinkingly at the two before Issei couldn't handle it anymore and raises a hand to slowly wave a hi at the girl. At the action, the girl's eyes shines and she leaps comically but mightily at the pair, the ground fractures under her power.

"Ramen, Transform!" At the apex of her leap, she pulls out something from her skirt pocket and holds it up dramatically. A flash of bright orange light shows itself from the thing in her hand and makes both Issei and Koneko look away. Immediately following that, a mighty crash sounds itself from the middle of the room. The pair blinks the dots away from their sight for a moment and looks back towards the sound.

They gape as they see Alternate Koneko wear a ridiculous ramen themed outfit. The Alternate gives the pair an impassive glare that resembles the real Koneko remarkably and points a wand with a large narutomaki on the end at them. Slowly, calmly and coldly, the Alternate declares in a tone that makes both the brunette and whitehead shiver in instinctive fear "...Magical Ramen Girl: Uzumaki Ramenyan."

Koneko was right. She punched hard.

...

**Floor 67: Tsunade Senju  
**

"Dragon Shot!" Issei throws all of his strength into hitting the woman with the greatest oppai he's ever seen in his life. Normally, this act would be a great sin for him to do but he has to do it lest he risks the danger of Koneko. He tries to reason with his mind that he's not actually hitting a woman with great oppais but rather Naruto's memory of a woman with great oppais. It worked somewhat as he gained the ability to fight again but it still pains his heart nevertheless. If he had Uchiha blood within his veins, he would've evolved his Sharingan from one tomoe to Mangekyou after the first punch.

"...Tch, not fast enough." Either ignorant of or ignoring Issei's pain, Koneko clicks her tongue as the woman disengages her and dodges the beam of dragonic energy with fluid ease. The middle school girl did not know why (Oppai) but whenever she looks at the woman (Oppai), she gains a strange feeling of hatred towards her (Oppai). Whatever the case she draws on more Nature Energy and starts furiously attacking the woman. Issei follows with tears streaming down his eyes.

* * *

AN

Idiot #1: Yo! Welcome back to another completely on timed chapter of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef"!

Idiot #2: Uh-huh. you read that right. On time. Since we're late so often, late somehow became our schedule so technically we're not late. We're on time, yeah!

Idiot #3: We would like to thank Noble1998's review suggestion in giving Issei an adventure to find a thank you gift!

Idiot #1: Now then, on to some news.

Idiot #2: For those of you wondering where this story is going, wonder no more because we're keeping this thing completely cannon after the first year arc!

Idiot #3: Yeah, we're not familiar enough with the DxD verse to go completely AU! Blame our laziness for not wanting to read the light novels lol!

Idiot #1: While we're not on this topic, has anyone seen the rat skull? The Ouja Board's been getting lonely lately.

Idiot #2: Haven't seen it yet. Though, I get the feeling that we might want to look into that report on missing children.

Idiot #3: Ominous. Y'hear that readers? Don't listen to innocent looking floating rat skulls in the dark corners of the street~

Idiot #1: As always, please leave suggestions on what the crew could do next!

Idiot #2: There's a one in a not that bad of a chance chance that you might get picked!

Idiot #3: I have nothing to say!

Idiot 1, 2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	8. Girl's Ramen

"They're over there! Get them, girls!"

"How do they manage to always find us so quickly?!"

"Worry about that later, run first!"

Following another peaceful and completely ordinary day of school at Kuoh Academy, Issei, Matsuda and Motohama find themselves running for their lives from the track team, the kendo team, the archery team and the chemistry research team.

While the first three were indeed faulted and have the rights to be mad at the trio of perverts, the fourth is only joining into the hunt for "educational purposes". Issei calls it them being malicious since they have nothing better to do. As of now, half an hour into the hunt, nobody has bothered to correct him on that.

"Shit, they're catching up to us!"

"I've got an idea. Matsuda, take the left. Issei, the right. I'll go straight up that path and turn tracks. If we split up, they'll have less of a chance at finding us. Be sure to not get caught!"

"Good plan!"

"Run for our life, got it!"

"Right, break!"

In a moment of ingeniousness and perseverance to survival, Motohama calls forth the best plan that he's ever devised in his entire life; split up and continue running AKA plan hope for the best.

Surprisingly, Issei and Matsuda accepts the plan almost immediately and begins to run their separate ways even before Motohama says "break." They each cast a prayer both onto themselves and to the other two escapees, hoping that one of the others will act as bait while they themselves stay safe.

Following another peaceful and completely ordinary day of school at Kuoh Academy, the ear piercing howls of the Perverted Trio's screams ring through the campus; signalling the end of school and the beginning of club activities much like how the school bell should've done it.

* * *

"Drink this slowly, Issei-kun, the pain should ease off after a little while."

"Thanks, Matsuri."

Lying on four conjoined chairs, Issei is given foul smelling, pasty looking medication and a cup of herbal tea to drink. Instead of blanching at the rancid medicine, he opts to quickly swallow it and gulps down the entire cup of tea in one go. The both of it went down easily, leaving no bad taste in his mouth to gag on. He mentally thanks Matsuri for that.

Exactly like how she prescribed it, the pain disappears like mist in the desert sun. Within thirty or so seconds of intake, Issei sits up in his chair and allow Koneko and Matsuri to retake theirs.

"Wow, don't know what that was but it does wonders. Any side-effect I should know of? Losing ten years off of my life, early balding, sudden urges to praise Naruto's ramen?"

From his seat, Naruto scoffs at the questions. Matsuri smiles soothingly and pours Issei another cup of tea.

"The only after effect should be some acute muscle pains at sudden movements. The medicine only helps numb the pain and aid with decreasing inflammation and swelling. Stressing already hurt muscles will make your case worse so I will suggest that you hold off on your after school activities for a few days to heal up."

"Keep it down and don't get caught, got it~."

Matsuri gives Issei a stern glare at his joking answer. He caves in immediately and repeats Matsuri's instruction word for word. Seeing that he understands, the silver haired girl nods agreeably and returns to her smiling appearance.

"Tch, they didn't make this game to be played, they made this game to torture gamers."

Hearing Naruto's frustrated voice, Issei turns around to pay attention to what the blonde is doing. He's playing the new installment of "Love! School Fest!" The game that is advertised to have all character routes as equally as difficult as the tsundere route of the previous release; that is to say, hair pullingly frustrating and nigh impossible to play.

Naruto roughly slams the controller on to the table as the familiar "You Lose" lettering appears on the television screen. The table shakes and Koneko's carefully stacked tower of ramen bowls fall. Matsuri deftly catches the bowls and the leftover that fell out from within.

"Again?"

Catching her falling bowls as well with her catlike reflexes, Koneko turns an annoyed look at Naruto. The blonde catches the look with an uneasy smile. He rubs the back of his head and apologizes to the white haired girl for the umpteenth time since she's come to the shop today.

"Sorry about that, Koneko-chan. The game's just so… hateable."

"Why play it then?"

"I never stand back down from a challenge."

Saying this, Naruto reluctantly pushes his untouched ramen bowl over to Koneko in an offer to placate her. The middle school girl readily accepts the bribe and slurps down the ramen bowl being given. Naruto gives her a wistful look before turning back to the game controller he's discarded.

He takes it up and navigates the game to start up again. Matsuri quietly take away the finished bowls of food and comes back out of the kitchen with two new ones for Naruto and Issei, some desserts for Koneko and a new pot of tea for herself.

She takes a seat after giving the unasked orders to a gracious Naruto, a still hungry Koneko and a recuperating Issei. After a while, Issei gets bored of watching Naruto play his game and Koneko eating the snacks Naruto's cooked up some time between yesterday and today. He reaches down to his backpack and starts on his homework.

"…This math problem is wrong, Issei-kun. You're not supposed to carry out this variable until you do this first."

"Ah, thanks. I didn't get that one. I see it now, thanks."

Curiously looking at the math homework Issei's doing, Matsuri helps the brunette by pointing out various problems he's getting incorrect from the parts he's already finished. Obediently listening to the academically superior Matsuri, Issei quickly goes through the homework in front of him; turning it from half finished pages to something that's presentable to the teachers who handed it out.

"…Thanks for the food."

Finishing the last of the food presented to her, Koneko claps her hands together and thank both Matsuri and Naruto for treating her to another meal. Matsuri smiles pleasantly while taking the empty dishes and bowls into the kitchen. Naruto makes an acknowledging grunt while cursing the game he's playing.

The game soon shows Naruto the "You Lose" screen again which in turn makes him rage over his most recent lost. Koneko, predicting what Naruto was going to do beforehand, intercepts him and takes the remote away as he was about to slam it. She navigates the game's menu and start a new game of her own.

Naruto stares for a moment and shrugs indifferently at the act. He turns to the slightly soggy, still untouched ramen bowl that Matsuri got for him and digs into it. Matsuri comes back out of the kitchen and pours him a cup of tea.

"Is the game really that hard?"

"Impossible is a better description of it."

Curiously watching Koneko methodically push through the game panel by panel, Issei puts down his pencil and questions Naruto about the game's difficulty. The blonde store owner looks up from his bowl of ramen with and answers with a frown. The painful memory of his latest lost is still fresh on his mind, hurting and frustrating him even when ramen is healing his spirit.

"I've seen some ending scenes on Metube so at the least, it's not impossible."

"Those people who've put up the videos are the game developers. They're trying to give us players the false hope that the game is beatable. Those videos are probably unused test datas."

Issei pulls up the video of the last fight scenes from one of the game's many routes and show it to Naruto. The blond adamantly stands his ground, proclaiming to everyone at the table that the game is a hoax.

"Ah, I've finished stage one."

A moment after Naruto's declaration, Koneko adds in her own surprised sounding input. Naruto and Issei turn their attention back to the screen to see with disbelief, in Naruto's case, the Koneko is handily maneuvering the game character through the so called "impossible" levels with unnatural ease.

Every female opponents is taken down handily and every male foe is turned into another swooning schoolboy by Koneko's skillful hands. Picking up speed, Koneko runs through the game with ease.

Rapidly and efficiently, the white haired girl goes through the next stage and the stage afterwards, barely taking a breather to save her progress in between. She takes down all opposition with awe-inspiring expertise and soon makes it to levels that Naruto, the only person in the group to have above an hour's worth of saved playtime within this game, didn't even know existed.

"What the hell is up with that boss? There are way too many tentacles in this stage!"

"What's up with Koneko. How's she doing any of that?"

"It looks like the developers have taken to referencing Lovecraftian Cosmic Entities for this heroine. I remember reading a magazine about this particular fictional god. It was titled "Cthulhu and You; 101 Ways to Find Inner Peace."

"The fact that you're reading something like that is concerning me. Do you need some break days, Matsuri? The shop's empty for most of the time, you get some rest whenever you feel like it."

"Don't worry, Naruto-sama. I was just curious. I read the magazine mainly because it had an interesting recipe for green colored sponge cakes."

"Oh, I remember those. They were pretty good."

"Thank you for the compliment, Issei-kun. Would you like some? I still have another batch that I was saving."

"Really? I'll have some!"

"…Me too."

"Of course, I'll get some for you too, Koneko-chan."

"Speaking of whom… how many levels did you just clear through!?"

"Seven."

""Seven?!""

While Naruto and Issei exclaims this, Matsuri leaves the table with her teapot to go into the kitchen again. Naruto looks dazedly at Koneko's masterful playing and gives a hollow laugh every once in a while after finding out just how far ahead of him she is. Issei clears the table of his finished homework and sets aside the ones that aren't completed to do later. He curiously watches the middle school girl's play as well.

A few minute passes and Matsuri comes out of the kitchen with four plates of sponge cake slices. Naruto continues to languidly stare at the television's direction and Issei starts gulping in apprehension as he watches on. The choices that Koneko was making, it made no sense to him.

Why would she go here when it is more obvious to go somewhere else? How did she know to use the disposable items at this moment rather than saving it up to be use later on in the story? How did she know what the answer is by glancing at it once from a list of thirty other choices?

It didn't make sense to him what the white haired girl is doing. This only gets more confusing when Matsuri starts actively playing with Koneko. Their clearing streak intensifies in speed and quality. Issei starts having trouble keeping up with the dialogue at times.

After a few more levels, they completely lost him while being immersed in the game. Issei gave up following them after they passed through another seemingly impossible level eight levels ago. He gulps down his tea and pours himself another before looking at the oddly silent Naruto.

The blonde has on a look of deep concentration. An aura exudes from his body and his eyes move manically back and forth on the screen. Naruto had to actually switch to his serious mode to follow the to female in their play. For that, Issei gave the two girls a silent mental applaud.

"Whew, done."

"That was certainly interesting. I liked this one more than I thought I would have."

"Mn, especially when the final boss showed up after we only-"

The game is soon beaten mercilessly by Koneko and Matsuri. As final boss fades away and the ending credit roll in, Koneko gently puts the controller down on the table and have a heated conversation with Matsuri. The topic about the game went straight over his head; wounding his pride as a gamer and lover of these types of games.

Finally, Naruto stands up from his seat to looks in Issei's direction. Issei catch the blonde's eye as it flickers towards the kitchen area. He understands the blonde's intent immediately. He gets up from the table as well and walk towards the kitchen entrance. In the corner of his eyes, he sees Naruto giving Matsuri an excuse for her to keep talking Koneko about the game.

After making it into the kitchen and waiting for a few terse moments, Naruto comes in with a platter of the used dishes that he and Koneko made. He quickly dumps it into the sink to soak and sits down on a stool nearby. He gestures for Issei to take a seat on one of the stools near the dish racks as well and the brunette complies.

A moment passes by as Naruto, who's still radiating a serious aura, contemplates his words. What he says afterwards rang true in Issei's mind as well.

"Women... are complicated creatures."

Issei merely nods at this. Naruto continues after seeing that Issei gets the gist of what he's saying.

"We, as men, will probably never understand their ways...Why they do this, why they think that, we might never understand."

Again, Issei gives an affirmative nod in agreement.

"But with that said, it hurts my pride to lose like this..."

Issei gives the blonde a sympathetic "yeah".

"Therefore, we will train hard to be like them, so that we can understand them and then surpass them; until the day when we can beat the game just as fast as well!"

Issei makes a nod without thinking about what the blonde just said. He then takes a moment to process the new information.

"Wait, what?"

"Because we can't out-girl them as males, we will have to infiltrate their ranks as females!"

Issei raises his voice with surprised confusion coloring his expression.

"No, wait. Hold up a minut-"

"Of course, we can't just infiltrate their ranks as we are now. We'll need a new identity, a new life, a new perspective. We'll live and breath as girls until we're ready to rechallenge this game."

Naruto ignores Issei's request for a pause and manically continue with his tangent.

"I've already got some fake IDs ready in case something like this happens. We'll leave today and go around to gain experience in being a girl. I don't know when we'll come back so I'll bring some money and clothes. I will also have to bring-..."

Coming to a slow but full understanding of what Naruto's mad ranting is about, Issei makes to stand up from his stool to shake Naruto out of his insanity. The blonde snaps his finger and a rope comes out from beneath the stool's seat to tie down Issei.

"Alright, everything's planned. All that's left is the execution. You ready, Issei?"

Issei grunts in an attempt to snap out of the ropes tying him down. It didn't budge in the slightest bit. He looks alarmingly at Naruto. The blonde is pulling items out of a cabinet near the sink; a brown wig, a large make up kit, some cosmetics and napkins. He shivers for no reasons at the sight of the napkins.

The blonde closes the cabinet after pulling out the items and turn to Issei with his hand laying on the make up kit. Issei opens his mouth to give the blonde a word of protest but is muffled immediately by a gag that appears out of nowhere. The brunette muffles out another few sentences in mufflenese before realizing that it's futile.

"Relax, I'm pretty good at doing this. It'll be over in a moment."

Issei could only sit there and bear the unbelievably scary smile that Naruto's put on. In his mind and from the back of his throat, a small squeak of fear rings out.

...

"Hey, Matsuri, we're going out. Watch the shop kay? I might be out for a while."

"Of course, Naruto-sama. Don't stay out too late."

"Yeah, got it. See you later."

Telling Matsuri that he's leaving, Naruto casually walks out of the shop with an prettied up Issei vacantly following him. The brunette is now dressed up in a neat "librarian girl" get up which contrasts his usual sloppy dressing style. The knee length blue skirt, black pantyhose and woolen sweater looks nowhere out of place on his body. Koneko gave Issei a thumbs up for look and tells him to, "go get 'em."

The brunette coughs weakly and wipes away a red, lukewarm stain on his lips afterwards with a dazed look. It seems to Naruto that the teen is still withdrawing himself from the reality that's in front of him. The blonde understood Issei. It's not easy to lose to someone you know so well. You can't hold a grudge against them either, only silently watch on with a look of fake happiness as they succeed.

Thinking of this renews Naruto's vigor to get his new mission started. His eyes blazes with the will of fire and he pulls Issei out of the store, staggering the brunette out of his hazy stupor.

Breaking out from his Naruto induced trance, Issei takes a moment to reassess his situation. Having the memory of Naruto closing in on him as his last fully conscious thought, the brunette immediately knew what was going on when he feels a breeze between his shins. He tries to dissuade the blonde pulling on him again, this time unhindered, but it was too late. The fire has been lit.

* * *

"There are three criterias that we need to complete in order for this mission to end."

Sitting cross-legged at a table with a cup of red bean soup in front of him, Naruto speaks clearly in a effeminate tone for Issei to hear. He holds up three fingers to the fidgeting brunette's direction and begins listing off his self-impose challenges.

"The first objective lies in our seductiveness. This is a gal game we're trying to conquer, it was foolish for us to have come in with no experience in wooing men. Women are, inherently, very good at wooing men. We, as men, are much less capable."

Naruto pulls down the first finger out of his three raised ones while saying this. Issei deadpans at it as soon as the blonde finishes.

"And you think Koneko has the ability to do that?"

"More than we do, in any case."

The blonde shrugs his bared shoulders and continues on under the brunette's stony glare.

"The second objective is based on our girl-power or, in other words, how strong we are in comparison to other girls."

"So what? We fight them? You have more than enough strength to fill for the both of us."

Issei's deadpan continues to thrive by being fixated to the blonde. Naruto shakes his head to deny the brunette's claim.

"Actually, no. I've never fought while wearing a skirt so I don't know of any methods to keep it at minimum fluttering. If I were to flashily show my skirt's contents whenever I fought, forget girl power, I'd just be channeling my pervert power. This might actually reduce my fighting capabilities by up to ninety percent."

"This coming from the man who cross dresses at least once a week for his own twisted amusement."

Issei's deadpan starts to break under the pressure of his twitching eyebrow. He stares humorlessly at Naruto as the blonde continues unencumbered.

"The third and last objective is something that the game makes us work for; the ability to rise above the occasion and conquer every challenge in our path whether they be mental, physical or spiritual."

"...You lost me. What's our last objective?"

"We have to be able to get someone to propose their undying love to us."

Issei's twitching eyebrow halts with an almost audible creak. His face twists in disbelief as he runs over the words Naruto's said just now in his mind.

"Sorry, I must've misheard you. Can you say that again?"

"We have to be able to get someone to propose their undying love to us."

"WHY?!"

"That's how all the game ends in the "School Love" series. If we can do it in real life, we can do it in the game."

Issei splays his arm in Naruto's direction while putting on an expression that clearly states "are you an idiot?" Naruto takes a sip of his red bean soup and answers Issei's unasked question with a raised eyebrow that silently says "of course not, I'm completely sane."

The brunette takes another few minutes to uselessly flail around. Naruto, in the meantime, goes to the cash register of the cafe they were in and pays for their orders. He also buys a cheesecake to go before returning to the still flailing Issei. After a moment, Issei pauses altogether and turn mechanically to look at Naruto.

Staring at the blonde straight in the eyes, Issei slowly gets up and away from his chair. Immediately after he's clear of the chair, Issei turns his back to Naruto and make a mad dash towards the exit. Naruto sighs aloud and snaps his finger. Like earlier with the stool, ropes come out from bellow Issei's abandoned chair to tie him up and sit him back down.

"NO, NOT LIKE THI-MNMMMNNN!"

The teen screams loudly just before another gag appears out of nowhere to restrict him of his capability to talk. Naruto takes a look at the brunette, then at the bag with the cheesecake in his hand and then at the waiter who was frozen in shock at the event that occurred moments earlier.

"Scuse me. Can I get a plate for this and another red bean soup? My companion and I still need this table for a bit longer."

...

"This is stupid. It's also crazy. This is stupid crazy. Why can't you just look up a game guide or something?"

"Because that would defeat the purpose in doing it by ourselves. We need to restore our honor as a gamer by completing this without any intervention!"

"Gamers don't go this far, ever! Most don't even get pass their house's front gate for regular occasions!"

Grumpily following along with Naruto, Issei continues to try and dissuade Naruto of his insane scheme. He was sure that deep down, the blonde knows that he's following an idiotic pursuit. Issei just has to dig really deep down.

"Ughh, where's Dert when you need him. He'd talk you out of this dumb idea."

Mumbling this to himself, Issei continues walking. Naruto perks his ear to hear the comment and curiously pulls out his cell phone.

"You're right, where is the old man anyways?"

Dialing the cellphone number of the man in question, Naruto and Issei stops at a crossroad intersection. Naruto leans against a nearby signpost while Issei puts his face closer to the blond to listen in on the conversation. The phone rings three times before static starts filling its speaker. After a moment of static, the other side clicks and Dert answers.

"Good afternoon, Naruto-san... or is it good morning? Maybe evening even, I can't tell time very well from my current location. Everything's just... distorted."

"It's early afternoon here. Where are you?"

"Hmmm, that's a difficult question. If I had to put it into human terms, I'm at the place where time and space ends. No, maybe it's better to call this area as the land of apocalypse's beginning. Actually, it's not much of a "land" but more of a... Well, don't mind my location too much."

Naruto's eyebrow twitches. He pulls his phone away from his ear to look at the caller ID. It was still connected to Dert. The sound of something detonating erupts in the background of the call.

"What?"

"I think it's best to just say that I'm off on foreign soil to do my job. There's been complications with this area ever since I've played around with space time continuum to help Issei-kun find you a present. I've been busied solving issues that have been popping up left and right."

The middle aged man sighs forlornly on the other side of the phone. It was followed by another explosion and a long winded sip of coffee.

"I'll most likely be working on this for a while so don't worry about me too much. Also, if you're near Issei-kun and Koneko-san, can you tell them to not use their rings until I come back or in case of an emergency? It would be great hel-"

A particularly loud boom rings out somewhere, cutting the man off mid sentence and making Naruto pull away with a flinch. Dert curses aloud and quickly says his goodbyes to Naruto before hanging up. Naruto stays on the line for a couple of seconds to hear more explosions. When the call cuts off with a, "doo doo doo" Naruto makes to trace the receiver's end only to find that it's out of service range.

Blankly, he turns his head to Issei's direction and mutter "present?" The brunette shakes his head in denial at any accusation the blonde might be directing at him. It was a group decision, Koneko's, his and Dert's, to keep the fact that they delved into Naruto's memory a secret. After rethinking it, they felt it might have been over the top and too intrusive; even if it was technically Naruto, in the end, who's deciding to give out any personal information. As for the space time continuum thing... the man only sipped his coffee once during the whole conversation, he's probably teetering off the cliff of delusional already.

Naruto shrugs and makes a call to Koneko to pass along Dert's message about the ring that she and Issei ended up obtaining from the adventure in Naruto's mind. Issei reaches into his pocket to feel the two items within; Dert's ring and Naruto's pitch black omamori. Ever since either of the two item has been given to him, he's made a habit to bring them along wherever he'd go. Idly, he remembers the third charm that he never carry around, another omamori, one of friendship, that Naruto's given him the day after Tanabata. Whenever he carries it around, he'd get weird looks... he wonders why?

"Well, I don't know what that was about but Dert's out of the equation for now."

Naruto snap shuts his phone while Issei is pondering and catches the brunette's attention. The blonde points at the three street signs above the post he's leaning on.

"Let's get back on topic. Since this was my idea, I feel like it's best that you make the decision on where to go. Left is for seducing guys, right is for girl power sparring and straight ahead, if you dare, is hands on marriage. You chose, where to?"

"If you're trying to give me some sense of gaming choices, I chose the off option."

Naruto raises an eyebrow and slowly rubs his thumb and middle finger together, as if he's preparing to snap his fingers with them.

"Right! I chose right!"

Issei promptly raises his hands up in surrender and picks the path of least evil while looking around frantically, trying to spot any chairs that he might get bound to for another session of Naruto's... convincing. His spine shudders at the thought even though he himself cannot remember much of it. He knows that the memory repression is for the best so he stays clear of any thoughts that might trigger the memory to resurface.

Naruto nods approvingly at Issei's choice in direction and turns in said direction to go towards. He puts a vice grip on Issei's left arm and drag the brunette along. Naruto didn't want to give the younger teen a chance to come up with anymore delusional ideas of giving up their quest to becoming the strongest of females.

* * *

-Apartment Complex-

"There is our first opponent, I can sense a powerful amount of girl power coming from this person."

Crouching down by an apartment complex's window and peeking inside with narrow eyes, Naruto mutters to himself and Issei. Issei, standing much less conspicuously than Naruto, looks above the blonde's shoulder to see the poor fool who's about to get roped into Naruto's scheme.

The brunette blanches at what enters his sight. Inside the apartment room, a muscular man is repeatedly punching a sand bag easily twice the size of Issei himself. The muscular man moves with great hustle and agility, blurring his punches but somehow still allowing Issei to see the chiseled brawn of the man. Though he couldn't hear it, the muscular man's punches clearly vibrates through the sandbag and anything within a ten meter radius. The muscular man oozes of manly strength.

This is not what irks the brunette though, no. What irks him is the fact this manly man, the person who's showing off proving manliness some of the greatest manliness within human capabilities, is garbed in pink. Practically covered in the stuff of pink, to be exact. Pink muscle shirt that sticks to his muscular form, pink bows that ties his hair back in a twin tail, pink hair that waves majestically with each successive punch, pink skirt flutters with each footwork change, pink boots to keep his heels digging down to the floor and even a pink staff tied to his side. The muscular man is a complete contradiction of manliness and girlishness, a horrible combination that demands Issei to rip out his eyes the moment he saw it.

"Now do you see that I was being serious?"

Covering his eyes before he crosses the line, Naruto pulls Issei away from the window frame. The brunette slowly nods his head monotonously as the urge to claw out his eyes lessen with the passing seconds. After a few seconds, he pull his hand up to tap Naruto's. The blonde gets the message and lets go right after to meet Issei's grim look with a serious one of his own.

"That, right there, is most likely the strongest girl power within this city, Mil-tan. As you can see and feel, Mil-tan's girl power is tremendous for a human, almost scarily so. She is-"

Naruto goes on to give Issei an in depth identification and biography of the muscular man, Mil-tan. The blonde did not leave much out to imagination and gave Issei Mil-tan's whole live story and quirky habits. How he got it, Issei does not know but after seeing the mass of pink and muscle with his own eyes, the brunette finds himself not caring much.

A man of faith who defected from the church years ago to pursuit a lost cause, Mil-tan settled into Japan two years prior and made this apartment his home. He got into the custom of watching magical girl shows because they were the only thing on television at the time to entertain him as he trained. The show passively took him over, both replacing and filling the void that was once the home to his faith. After a year or so, the man, previously known as Michael I. Laverick, took on the persona of Mil-tan. He is nice to people of any age and any race, regularly donates and volunteers at a shelters and has a habit of knitting, sewing, cooking, cleaning and body muscle training. This is the man known as Mil-tan.

"So how are we supposed to out girl power him? I don't think fighting him with your fists is a very tactful method for increasing your girl power..." It was left out that Issei doubted Naruto, for all his feats of impossibilities, could've matched the muscular man inside the apartment; in terms of physical capabilities.

"We're going to face him in direct combat, of course." Patting the brunette on his shoulder, Naruto smiles confidently and peeks back into the window. The hair on the back of Issei's neck stands on end.

* * *

-Riverbank-

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Tokyo's four hundred fifty seventh Iron Chef Kitchen Master cooking contest! Today, we have the on again off again Ninja God of Ramen, the wonder chef of Uzumaki Ramen himself, Uzumaki Naruto! Facing against him in a match that he instigated, we have the Magical Cook of Christianity, the saint of Kuoh District, Mil-tan!"

Sitting at a three panel table with a large, golden gong behind him, Issei plugs his left ear to block out the loud voice of the announcer/judge sitting next to him. He flinches as Naruto's name and identity is called out to the anticipating crowd sitting at the slope of the riverbank. For a moment, Issei questions Naruto's logic on going around in female drags, with a fake identity readied, while stating his full, true, male name. Issei then remembers that this is Naruto in topic and forgets his previous mental question.

"Yes, two men face off in good fight. Food looks good as well. I look very much forward to when they present us food. The smell alone hungers me much. Smoke from food and strong fire builds my appetite."

Sitting to his right, a guru says this to his backwards microphone. A memory of the first time he met the guru with Koneko, in this exact same place and situation, recalls itself in his mind to remind him that the guru is blind. Discretely, Issei turns the microphone around for the man with the forced sounding accent.

"...I'm pretty sure the fire is a fire hazard."

Looking back at the fire that Naruto and Mil-tan (he shudders at the very mention of the muscular man) are standing by, Issei pulls out his phone and dial the fire station's emergency number. He leaves his thumb readied on the call button for safety measure.

"It's not a hazard until someone starts dying-"

Issei spins around from paying attention to the guru to paying attention to the announcer/judge sitting next to him. Under a mop of shiny, black hair and on a pretty face is a smile that makes Naruto's sinister smirk look like a baby's joyful grin. He then turns his gaze down to the microphone sitting in front of the woman to see that she's covering it up with her left hand, so as to not let what she just said get projected towards the audience.

"-While our two contestants prepare for their cook off, why don't we get introduced to our panel of three judges!"

Before he notices it, the woman's malevolent smile has all but disappear to let another, much more disarming, expression take its place. He wasn't fooled though and scoot his seat away from her and closer to the guru. The announcer/judge didn't seem to mind and continued announcing her lines.

"Starting from our very left, we have the Blind Guru of Curry, a man who's kidnappe- bequeathed this role of judge from fresh out of his hospital bed. Some of you might know this almighty guru from his earlier achievement of being the champion to Tokyo's four hundred fifty sixth Iron Chef Kitchen Master cooking contest where he evenhandedly defeated wonder chef, Uzumaki Naruto. He is also the first in the last one hundred years of recorded history to complete the infamous Taste Bud Explosion, the move that defeated Uzumaki-san. This was not done without incurring fatal injuries however, and guru was hospitalized for weeks til today, where he and his master chef's soul crawled from the pits of hell to judge this contest. Everybody, please give this dedicated guru a hand!"

A round of applause is given to the guru and Issei notices the blind Indian man flinching noticeably to the loud sound. The man shifts nervously in his seat and Issei eyes latch on to something injected into the man's arm; something that looks suspiciously like an IV bag. His mind reels back to the announcer's previous statement, "fresh out of his hospital bed." For not the first time in the previously passed months, Issei's trust for blondes plummet down another notch, passing the point of straight to hell and into a territory beyond that.

"Next we have the mysterious food critic appointed by Uzumaki-san. While this stunningly beautiful wallflower is relatively unknown to the world of food critics, the wonder chef himself has vouched for her presence and she was second by both the great guru and the Saint of Tokyo. Please welcome, Ryuudou Seiko-chan!"

Again, another round of applause is given to the announcers' seat by the the audience sitting on the riverbank's slope. Issei, sitting closer to the guru now, notices that the man is getting accustomed to the sudden loud noise. The Indian man is currently fixated on the arena standing closer to the river, where all the cooking equipment, the large fire and ingredients are at.

Issei turns his attention towards the two men at the arena as well while the announcer woman introduces herself; a small part of him doesn't want to know more about the lady, if at all possible. Naruto and Mil-tan have moved from the large fire to the central table where they are examining the ingredients left on it. They are talking to each other with a pleasant smile on their faces (Mil-tan's smile wasn't very pleasant, actually, but it was a lot less bloodthirsty looking than her(?) usual expression).

Naruto's changed his hairstyle into a comfortable bun while Mil-tan's twin tails have combined to make a single, flowing ponytail. They are both donning aprons over their similarly stylized clothing; a combination of short skirts and lightly colored blouses. It sickens Issei a bit to know that, somewhere deep down, he's preferring how Naruto looks while cross dressing over basically anyone else.

In the background another round of applause goes off to tell Issei that the blonde announcer is done introducing herself to the audience. Naruto and Mil-tan notices this too and shake hands with one another before going to their assigned cooking stations with the ingredients they've initially chosen.

The announcer begins to give the crowd a short hand version of the rules while the two contestants settle into their area. The rules basically sums up to five things; contestants will have to cook the chosen dish in under an hour, the contestants are allowed to procure more ingredients during the sixty minutes cooking time, three dishes must be served to the judges after sixty minutes have passed (order of serving is up to contestants), the one with the most points after judging wins, and no sabotaging of any kinds, to the other contestants or to the judges. Issei wheedled that last one in because he knows that Naruto is very flexible in his willingness to... persuade others to his advantage.

"-With that out of the way, contestants, are you ready to begin?"

At the announcer's word, Naruto and Mil-tan nods simultaneously. Naruto daintily toys with a knife in his hand. Mil-tan begins flexing her(?) fingers.

"Alright then~! Let's see what our mystery dish will be!"

Pulling out a big red button from below the paneled desks, the announcer presses it with a clack. Behind him, Issei hear gears whirring into life. He turns around the see a screen on top of the gong. The screen is flashing dozens of names into existence and replacing them too quickly for him to read properly.

After about half a minute of going through the probable dishes, the names start to slow down to a pace that he could see and then to a crawl. Beef ramen, curry rice, stir fried vegetable, mud pies, pork ramen, hamburger steak, omelet, sandwich, miso ramen, all of these passes by before the scrolling stops at udon.

"And the special dish is, udon! Everyone's favorite, yay!"

Issei's ears perk at the depress note the announcer has to her voice. Though she said her part cheerily, there's a sad undertone to it that contrasts with her earlier cheer. He shrugs indifferently at this notice, passing it off as her not liking this dish very much.

"On the count of three, we will begin. Contestants, ready your station! One... Two... Thr-!"

Just as she was about to finish the countdown, the announcer pulls out a hammer from under the desk and hits it on the gong sitting behind him, her and the guru. The finalizing sound echoes loudly, covering up the rest of the announcer's word with its booming ring. The guru jerks very noticeably at the sudden sound and covers his ears. Issei quakes for a moment before calming.

Naruto and Mil-tan both disappear in twin blurs of orange and pink. At a speed that would have made some shounen manga characters very jealous, Issei sees the two pilfer ingredients by a barrel-full to bring back to their cooking station. Naruto's stack builds up to consist mainly of flour, eggs and vegetables while Mil-tan's grow in size with purely meat.

It lasted for no more than a scant second before the two's bodies reappear back into Issei's sight again. Immediately slamming four pots brimming with water on to his stoves, Naruto puts the water to boil with a timer next to it. The stove was hot enough to transmit heat all the way to the judging seat and made Issei sweat. While that was going on, Naruto begins using the flour, eggs and other assorted ingredients to make some dough that would be the noodles. Continuously kneading the dough, Naruto begins the long and arduous cycle of making noodles from scratch.

Taking his eyes off of the disguised blonde, Issei looks over to the other side to see what Mil-tan is doing. He blanches as he sees the man(?) sitting cross legged by an open fire while roasting something over it. The stove, or what used to be a stove, is now a raging bonfire fueled by what looks like skeletal remains; a long bone sticking out here, a long bone sticking out there. The mountain of meat that he took from the central station earlier is all jammed on to one long metal pole that he's using to slowly spin and cook over the blazing fire.

Offhandedly, he looks to the side to see the guru drooling at the cooking food. There's an audible growling sound coming from his direction. His stomach's, actually. Issei fishes out a chocolate bar he had with him and gives it to the guru. The man accepts it with a nod of thanks and again, Issei catches a glimpse of the IV bag strapped on to him.

Almost unwillingly, Issei turns to look to his other side to see the announcer animatedly broadcasting whatever spiels she's making up on the spot. He actively turns off the ignore switch he's turned on earlier to hear what she's saying.

"-Mil-tan seems to be using a western mountain cooking technique from the ancient Nigerian's culture. This action of fueling fire with bones is done in times long passed as an offering to the spirits and their god of fire, purification and life. It is their belief that by giving the gods the remnants of their people's slain, things such as intestines, hearts, brains, bone matters, skin matter and even eyeballs, the gods will reciprocate-"

Sensing that the discussion is probably going to go in a disturbing direction, Issei turns the ignore switch to the announcer back on. Instantly, her voice tunes out in his brain to becoming incomprehensible background noises; incomprehensible background noises that the teen is glad to be able to ignore.

Going by the look of Mil-tan's face, the announcer is hitting completely off the mark with her session into weird and foreign cultures. The pink clad man(?) takes the bones out of the blazing fire and tosses them masterfully at the trashcan right after the audience all exclaim something in surprise. He notes that the bones were leftovers from the meat being cooked, probably the pink man's twisted way of recycling. A glance to the right gives Issei an idea of what caused the audience's surprise; the announcer is showing the crowd something on a large screen television. The brunette squashes his curiosity in order to not look at the horrors that were on the screen.

Instead, he goes back to examining Naruto. The disguised blonde is now sitting by the stove with the four pots. A rack is situated by his side, carefully balancing the overflowing noodles inside it. He's looking up into the sky with a face that expresses absolute boredom.

Naruto catches Issei's eyes and and mouthed something to the brunette. Issei takes a moment to decipher it as "I forgot to bring my PFP. Do you have yours? I want to try the tsundere route again." Issei flips the ignore button on Naruto too and turns it on to shut off the blonde. Just like with the announcer, Naruto phases into the background.

Within Issei's mind, the cooking showdown that had just started minutes earlier is now turned into a cooking show starring Mil-tan with the guru's stomach as background music. It honestly wasn't his worst way of spending an hour outside, not playing video games.

...

"Time's up! Prepare and present your dishes to the judge, contestants!"

Swinging a wooden stick in a wide arc to hit the gong behind her, the announcer breaks Issei out of his bored reverie to declare the next stage in the competition. Naruto and Mil-tan both hold up a tray with three bowls in it to bring to the judging panels. The two cooks separately passes out their perspective bowls to Issei, the announcer and the guru.

Issei looks down at the two bowls in a look of pure perplexity. The first bowl, Naruto's bowl, is basically a bowl of pork ramen with udon noodle substitute. It has the same exact layout and scent that is present in Naruto's model bowl of pork ramen. The second bowl, Mil-tan's bowl, is just a stack of meat. Using his chopstick to flip the top layer over, Issei sees a few strings of udon noodle drowned in the sea of meat.

Issei looks over to the guru to see the man openly drooling with his mouth agape. The sound of the guru's stomach has all but disappeared and Issei worries that if the man starves anymore, he'd soon reach enlightenment. Turning his sight over the announcer, Issei sees that she too is also poking at the dishes with a look of bewilderment; most noticeably, she's poking at Naruto's ramen dish.

"...Well, let's get started then. The first one up for judging is contestant Naruto's dish, Udon Ramen."

The announcer apathetically announces the start of their judging with a glare of disappointment at the dish's creator, Naruto. The blonde shrugs his shoulder at the glare. Issei watches the two interact with mild curiosity before grabbing his spoon and chopstick and digs in.

RAMEN!

As soon as the noodle, broth and condiments enter his mouth, Issei's eyes twitch in knowing familiarity. Naruto's dish is literally just a bowl of his usual pork ramen! Even the noodles, though they are shaped differently, is just ramen noodles. The whole dish is a lie!... Well, it's a delicious lie but it's still a lie! Issei finishes up the bowl anyways. It was rationed to be filling enough but not too filling and he's hungry from all the walking around that came with Naruto dragging him around.

"...The ramen wasn't bad. I'd rate it a nine, honestly, but the theme was udon. Unfortunately, I can only give you a five for effort."

After finishing the bowl faster than Issei, the announcer wipes her mouth carefully and gives her score to Naruto. The blonde grimaces at it, but accepts it at the end. Issei follows the announcer's lead and also gives Naruto a five. The guru does the same after cleaning the bowl spotless. In the end, Naruto came out with only fifty percent of the full score. The disguised blonde took the lamentable score with noble silence, as if to say that he did not regret staying true to his ramen way.

"...Here goes nothing..."

As soon as Naruto backs away and allow Mil-tan to step forward to be judged, the announcer picks up her chopsticks and tucks into Mil-tan's bowl. Hearing the announcer's mumbling, the guru begins to heartily shovel food into his mouth again. Issei reluctantly picks up his own bowl to follow the two.

MEAT!

As expected of a dish that's littered with it, the first bite resulted in Issei tasting nothing but meat. With just one chopstick's full of food, Issei is already feeling the overpowering taste of meat that flows within the bowl.

"...This isn't bad. The meat is grilled to good consistency and the taste is very delicious. Even though it's lacking in the noodle department, there's definitely udon in this... however, I can't very well condone a bowl of meat to be anything more than five points."

The announcer puts down her chopsticks after the first bite as well and give him the neutral score that she gave Naruto. Issei follows her example and gives the man the same number as well, putting the victory deciding score to the guru's decision. The guru, after he finishes shoveling down the bowl of meat, opts to giving the same score as well.

In the end, the three judges give the most complacent score to the two simply because we have no idea which one of their dishes is better. Behind the judges, the audience starts muttering among themselves. They seem to be unsatisfied with how we judged. There's a sense of discord because of this.

"Yes, I supposed that is a way to end this competition. Unfortunately, I'm not finished yet. After all, I want to end this competition on a high note. You see, I've always dislike being disputatious. A little scrap here and there is fine in my book and even a hard earned argument is okay if it has good reasons. But, in the end, I'd much rather everyone get along peacefully."

As if he was to be their saving grace, Mil-tan walks up to the judging table again with six more bowls. He removes the bowls at our side and puts down his new ones, two for each judge. Issei looks at the bowl with mild curiosity to see that it is another serving of both contestant's dish, Naruto's ramen udon and Mil-tan's meat udon. This time, the dishes are only half the size of the previous servings.

The announcer is alternating between curiously looking at the half sized bowls and the confident Mil-tan. The guru is now drooling at more food being presented to him. For himself, Issei is quizzically figuring out where the pink man is heading.

"For today, I want this challenge to end in what my ideal begs of me. I want for there to be no losers. I want for there to only be winners, for everyone to be winners; for there to be harmony."

Saying his piece in a deep and baritone voice, Mil-tan lifts up the announcer's portion of his bowl of meat and pours it into Naruto's bowl of ramen. It filled perfectly and stops just short of being a full bowl. The grilled meat sinks slowly into the ramen broth and noodle and for a few seconds, nothing happened. Then, as if to blow away all expectations, the single bowl of combined mediocre food explodes with a heavenly scent. A heavenly light glows from within the broth and a strange calming hum enters everyone's ear.

Behind Issei, the audience stops all their whispering discussions as they too sensed the sudden change. The silence was practically palpable and would've made Issei nervous if not for the distraction that was the new dish before him. Unknowingly, Mil-tan makes the new dish for the rest of the judges, take up the used bowls and steps back to stand next to Naruto, all without Issei noticing; not that he would've noticed much because, really, heavenly glowing bowl of noodles.

"I take it that you wanted to have this dish decide whether the competition remains a tie or a unanimous victory for both sides?"

The announcer, showing an uncharacteristically stoic face, speaks impassively while paying attention only on Mil-tan; even when everyone else's attention is focused on the new dish. When the muscly man nods in agreement to what the announcer suggests, she nods slowly as well and raises up her scoreboard. It has two bright, red tens on it; double the most perfect score that any judge could individually give.

For just a moment, Issei's brain takes over his body's function from the stomach to make him take a look over to announcer's bowl of glowing noodles. It was licked clean and spotless. The announcer is also pushing the bowl towards the muscly man in a silent way to ask for more.

"Let's get started then."

Unable to wait any longer, he lifts up his own pair of chopsticks and spoon again. Issei dips it into the bowl of fake udon ramen and pull up long strands of noodles to his lips. The moment it comes into contact, his mind blanks.

* * *

"...Mhnnnn..."

Issei opens his eyes with growing awareness. He blinks a couple of times to get his lids to fully open for him. His sight readjusts with each blink to accustom him to the light of the room. Thankfully, the lighting wasn't fully on and was dimmed enough to not be blinding.

Issei becomes aware that, since he is facing the lights right now, he's laying down on his back. He takes a few more reorienting blinks before sitting up. His body didn't ache when he gets up but he notices that his head, the area around his jaws, is a bit sore.

He rubs his jaws and opens it a couple of times to get the soreness out of the way. It didn't leave no matter how he moves it.

"Not exactly the first thing I'd do if I wake up but it's good to know that you're feeling well."

Issei turns around to see Naruto, who's still wearing his disguise, walking towards him. The blonde is holding a cup of water in one hand, a folding chair in the other and a magazine in his armpit.

"I'm just working out this twinge in my jaws."

Answering the blonde, Issei puts down his hand from his chin, because moving it wasn't helping, and looks around the room he's in. He recognizes it as a private hospital room after a moment of deliberation. The monitors and controllable bed helped him realize this.

"So, why am I in a hospital bed?"

"Your mouth blew up during the contest. We allowed the ambulance on standby to take you and the guru while you were knocked out. They took you here and you've been sleeping til now."

Taking a seat next to Issei's bed, Naruto puts aside the magazine and gets an apple from the basket on a short cabinet nearby. He produces a fruit knife from his skirt and proceeds to peel it in a dexterous manner; making a flower patterns out of the red skin layer. Issei, in the meanwhile, is looking at the blonde in bewilderment. His mouth blew up? The guru's too?

"Oh yeah, speaking of being here, you should write a thank you letter to Mil-tan. The guy used his half of the victory prize to throw you into this room."

Naruto hands Issei a plate with the sliced apples on it and the brunette takes it with a thanks.

"I'll give him my thanks later. How long was I out?"

Issei takes a bite of the apple Naruto's peeled for him and scrunch his eyebrow at the... blandness of the fruit. It tastes like nothing, absolutely nothing. There's texture and juiciness to it, yes, but absolutely no tastes whatsoever.

"It's eight in the night right now soooo, roughly six hours since you've got carted here. Your mouth might taste a bit numb. Growing it back a tongue from an explosion will do that to you."

Issei blinks owlishly and a part of his brain, the smart part, clicks in the answer. He probably experienced the taste bud explosion technique and it landed him a place in the hospital bed. He's seen it before with Koneko, the devastation of the move. He asks at the blond if it was so and he gets an affirmative moments after having the question leave his lips. Sighing, he switches topics to one that doesn't involve his bodily harm.

"When can I leave? I'm feeling good to go now."

"After the nurses and doctors finish processing your paperwork, prove of identity and all that."

"I guess I'll need hurry up and fill it out then."

"Don't worry about it, I filled it all out for you while they were doing a checkup. I made sure that they were thorough."

While the blonde says this in a casual tone, there's a tint of amusement to his voice that tips Issei off. The brunette gets out of the bed immediately and inspects his body. Legs, arms, stomach, fingers, toes, nose, eyelash, everything was still intact. He hastily walk over to the room's bathroom, located right next to the room's only entryway, and look at himself in the large mirror. There's no new weird stitches, tattoos, drawings, paintings, writing or branding.

For a moment, Issei stares at his mirror image in confusion, trying to figure out what Naruto is up to when, suddenly, the smart side of his brain pops in to tell him; his current look. Long braided hair, light make up, knee length skirt and a hint of bulge in his chest area, without a doubt, he does not look like a he for the people who checked up on him.

"I'm glad I took the time to take care of your make up and choice in clothing. Your body, though it isn't very brawny or standoffish, is still that of a guy's so I had to make an effort to give you that shy, pretty girl look. Everyone in the ambulance car was convinced. So were the nurses."

Issei slowly turn to Naruto, who was standing at the bathroom's doorway. The blonde has on an infuriating smirk that transcends physical looks of gender bound. Speechlessly, he gapes at the blonde to look for words to say.

"Excuse me Miss Uzumaki, I'm here to check up on Mister Hyo- oh, I see that he's awake."

Before he could have come up with something to say to the blonde, a nurse walks in and sees Issei. She gives Issei a look over and excuses herself from the room seconds after entering. During the whole look through, she did not meet the teen's eyes once; not even when she checked his facial area. There was a clear look of discomfort to her expression.

He stands there for a moment longer, trying and failing to reign in his rampant emotions-

"...Hehehee..."

-Before Naruto's light laughter broke him out of his trance. Closing and then opening his gaping mouth while rushing at the blonde in a reckless charge, he yells out the only word that can come to mind, one filled with all with rage, embarrassment, humiliation and whatever else he could've mustered at the time.

"NARUTO!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

The blonde too, made a run for the door.

...

Thankfully, Naruto did not make him go through anymore humiliation and canceled their quest to becoming the most effeminate of females. As it turns out, he's broken through his gaming slump while he waited for Issei to wake up in the hospital.

He also bought a change of clothing, one fitting for a male, allowing Issei to leave with some pride intact. Well, whatever pride was left after his first and only run around the hospital building in drags to chase Naruto.

* * *

AN

Idiot#1) Welcome back to a really damn late chapter of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef", sorry for the wait yo.

Idiot #2: #1, you wrote your identity thing wrong, we use space bars and colons.

Idiot #1: Backspace is still broken, you deal with it.

Idiot #2: Eh, don't worry then, I'll just fix it later... maybe.

Idiot #3: For those of you who can't remember what's happened so far and are too lazy to look back again on the subpar story, here's a summary/ timeline thing!

*Warning, spoilers... maybe? Skip to end spoiler if you don't want to read it*

Chapter 1) Introducing Naruto, Kurama, Issei, Dert and Matsuri. (sets in mid-May)

Chapter 2) Naruto play games with everyone and bonds over new ramen recipe (kitsune ramen). Issei prepares for his midterm exams. Naruto gives Issei a goudama in the shape of a good luck charm. Hint at Naruto knowing about the Boosted Gear and its potentials. (sets in May)

Chapter 3) Going to the Sanno Festival. Introduce Issei to youkai but not letting him know what they are. Introduce the Youkai Faction to Matsuri. Humorous portion with Dert's coffee. Humorous chapter with Matsuri's game. (sets in June)

Chapter 4) Going camping for a weekend. Meeting with Naruto and Sona in the student council room. Show that Naruto is aware of the existence of non-human entities such as devil-kinds and that he is protective of Issei. Make Rias and Sona becomes aware of Naruto as an unknown but dangerous entity. Issei's birthday surprise party. (sets in June)

Chapter 5) Introducing Koneko. Introduce the taste bud explosion technique for future relevance. Issei prepares for and takes his before summer, Final Exam. They make a film and go singing. Naruto goes Sage in front of Koneko. (sets in June to July)

Chapter 6) Closure between Koneko and Issei with Naruto. Dert reveals his identity as Great Red to Naruto. Introduce the Khaos Brigade as a bad organization to Naruto. Naruto gets an Ouroboros amulet. Occult Research Club builds interest in Naruto's identity and Issei's involvement with Koneko. Tanabata scramble for the bamboo stalk in China. Introduce Naruto indirectly to the existence of Gods. Give Naruto a gun. (sets in July)

Chapter 7) Issei's epic quest to find a thank you gift for Naruto. Introduce Issei, Koneko and Dert (somewhat) to Naruto's past. No one pries on it and Issei accepts the supernaturalness of Naruto's life quietly. Issei gains a ring from Dert that allows him access to the Boosted Gear (full form). Koneko gains a ring from Dert that allows her to near limitlessly access Senjutsu. (sets in July)

Chapter 8) Naruto and Issei's epic quest to understand and be the greatest women ever. Reintroduce the tastebud explosion because of its possible future relevance. Look at the schedule to see that it's still July in story's timeline. Laughs at how long we're milking this particular month out; especially since Summer Vacation chapters are also happening in this month. (sets in July)

*End of spoiler*

Idiot #1: So yeah, that's it. We're still in college so the next chapter should be coming in about another decade.

Idiot #2: Don't quote us on that.

Idiot #3: Oh, on a small note, for those of you who're wondering about the old chapters eight through ten, we scraped that story line. It was going nowhere. It was a mistake for us to try and build up plot that lasts more than two chapters. We're idiots, we don't have the kind of foresight to do that.

Idiot 1, 2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	9. New World's ramen

Ding Dong Ding Dong

"It looks like time's up for today. You guys enjoy your summer vacation and get a good rest. We're going to be doing some serious stuff when you get back so be prepared. Also, don't forget to finish your summer homework. I better not see you guys cramming to finish it on the day back."

"""Yes, sensei!"""

"Alright, you can leave now. Have a nice break."

Saying his piece and having finished his job for the class, the teacher leaves the room with his things in hand. Inside the classroom, the students who were obediently seated all begin to pack up their things in preparation to leave as well. Chatter begins to increase in volume as the students talk to each other about their plans for the break.

"Yo, Issei, what were you planning on doing?"

"Nothing at all. I don't have any plans for summer. What about you?"

"I'm going to summer classes to make up for some homeworks and exams."

"Same. I'm jealous that you get to have a full break and we don't, mister second place in class ranking."

"Oi, I worked my ass off not to get that."

Leisurely putting his textbooks and homework paper into his backpack, Issei follows the example of his peers and talks to his friends as well. Matsuda and Motohama both made their way to the brunette's table to talk since they've already packed away their materials; they didn't bring much of anything because it was the last day of school.

Once he's finished with putting away his things, he gets out of his seat and leaves the room with his two perverted compatriot. They're still bemoaning their fates in having summer classes and are poaching on the topic of having to do their summer homework as well.

"Jeez, if classes alone weren't bad enough, we also get these textbooks the teachers call homework."

"How do they expect us to finish this in a month? There's more stuff in here than the amount of homework we did this year, altogether."

"You can probably kill someone with this."

Matsuda pulls out all of their summer homework with one hand to emphasize the size of their workload. Motohama pulls away from the packet of paper as if it repulses him. Issei follows suit and grimaces at the innocuous looking packet. He wasn't kidding when he said that it can kill someone; the weight of it alone can probably knock anyone out with a good tap.

Matsuda waves the packet around in the air to make a whooshing sound that emphasizes the thickness of the packet. Seeing this, Issei loses motivation to even think about doing it during his break. An idea pops into his mind immediately after thinking this. He tells it to Matsuda and Motohama right then as it comes to mind.

"Hey, what if we finish the homework today. Then we'd get to goof off for the rest of summer instead of doing it."

"Well, I have nothing better to do today so I guess we can try. I doubt we're going to get far though, this thing's huge."

"We'd need at least a few days to finish this, much less the few hours left of today."

Having it pointed out to him (very literally in the case of Matsuda still waving his packet around), Issei sees the flaw in his plan. The packet of paper, or the textbook, as Motohama aptly called it, is about as much work as all of their homework from the passing year combined. Issei's looked over a bit of it already and he can confirm that the work is all just review questions from previously assigned homeworks. It's not difficult in the sense that he'll make a lot of mistakes doing it but difficult in the sense that it'd take a long time to finish up.

"Still... I don't want to do this during the break."

"I know how you feel man; I wanna relax during vacation too."

"It's a piped dream. I doubt even the people in the student council are crazy enough to be able to finish in a day."

"Not without looking at the answer sheets anyways. I'm pretty sure they have access to that."

"Like they'd need it, all of their members are in the top five of their own class. If they worked together, they'd probably be finished with their homework within a single hour."

"Why don't we do that then, work together. We can split up the work and be done faster."

Again, Issei throws out another idea in an attempt to convince his two friends to finish their work today. The two look at each other in a moment of contemplation and simultaneously come to the same conclusion. Turning back to Issei, they say the same thing as a response.

""Impossible.""

Issei slumps at the reply. Thinking about it properly, it really is impossible. Even if he's got his entire portion correct, the most they'd make is a thirty percent. Neither has he, Matsuda or Motohama had any confidence in their ability to suitably complete their homework with decent, passable scores. The two are taking remedial classes because of that exact reason.

"Damn... Well, you guys said you have nothing better to do. Let's try it anyways."

"Sure sure."

"Let's go to the library. We might meet up with someone doing the same thing and cop out a few answers."

Giving up on the idea that it can be done, Issei suggests just making an attempt. Matsuda and Motohama easily agree to do it since they're getting help from an actual smart person; not that Issei thinks he is one. They all turn to the library's direction when someone speaks up from behind them.

"Um, excuse me, would you mind if I join in your homework session as well?"

Turning around to see who spoke up, Issei, Motohama and Matsuda puts on an ugly scowl. Standing half a dozen yards away from them, Kuoh's Damn Handsome First Year looks at the perverted trio with a sunny smile. The trio stays silent while continuing to glare at the fellow first year teen.

"""..."""

A long minute passes by as the three stays like so. Kiba shifts nervously and shuffles lightly on his feet at not receiving an answer. He tilts his head sideways to asks them silently as to why they're not responding. Matsuda and Motohama gags when they see that the action caused the damn handsome blonde to sparkle.

"Is something wrong?"

Asking with a polite tone, Kiba takes a step towards the three boys looking at him. They take a synchronized step back in response. They were all still staring in his direction. Kiba looks behind him to see if there's anything there that might've caused the three to go mute so suddenly. There's only an empty hallway behind him.

Nervously, he looks back to the three and scratches his cheek. He puts on a hesitant smile and asks,

"Is there something on my face?"

"""..."""

As with his previous inquiries, he's met with a disparaging absence of reply. After another long silence, Motohama drops his scowl and puts on a quizzical look. Experimentally, he pinches Matsuda and twists hard.

"...Ouch! What the heck, Motohama!?"

"So it hurts. I guess this isn't a nightmare."

"Aren't you supposed to pinch yourself for that to work?"

"Yeah! Why does it have to be me?! Do it to Issei!"

"Motohama, do it and I won't help you with your homework."

"There you go, Matsuda. The man with better grades has spoken."

"Oi, this is bullying!"

Watching the three start a conversation with conspicuous whispers, Kiba lowly chuckles at the sudden change in situation. The three put their attention back to him and he stops his quiet laughter.

Sighing at the repeating cycle, Issei takes a step forward and rubs the back of his neck. Giving himself a moment to think of something to say, he looks at the menially smiling blonde.

"You... want to join our study session too?"

"Yeah, I also want to have free time during summer break for my extracurricular activity so I need to get my homework out of the way as early as possible."

"Oh, cool. Us too, I guess."

"..."

"..."

Awkwardly ending the conversation prematurely, Issei retreats back into the trio. Kiba, sensing what's going to happen next, decides to make the conversation skip the stiff part.

"So, the library?"

"Yeah, the library!"

"Library sounds good."

"Let's just go."

With that, Kiba, after five minutes of waddling through the trio's lacking social skills, joins the group on the trip to the library to complete their summer homework. Having to complete the arduous trial, Kiba could only breathe a sigh of relieve to know that it cannot get any more thorny from here.

* * *

-Library-

"Oi Issei, how do you do this one~?"

"Again, Matsuda? Are you even working seriously?"

"I am, you know. I totally am."

"I can't find it in myself to believe that. Alright, here's what you do..."

Scooting his chair over to Issei, Matsuda points at the problem he's currently having trouble with to the brunette. Issei takes a look at it and vaguely recalls doing the very same question once at the Naruto's shop. Going methodically through the steps of solving to lead to the solution.

"Okay, I remember this now, thanks Issei!"

"You should've remembered it a long time ago. The next three problems uses the same steps so you better get it right."

After a minute and a few questions, Matsuda returns his seat back to his spot. Immediately after, Motohama scoots his chair over with a question of his own.

"My turn. How do you translate this sentence?"

"Why are you asking me? Use a translation glossary and do it yourself!"

"I do it because it takes too much time to translate when I can just go to the source of the answers."

"Do it yourself!"

Seeing that the question was just a simple translation problem, Issei pulls up a leg to kick Motohama on his shins. The glasses wearing teen argues and cries in a moderated volume about the injustice of the situation while getting jabbed by Issei's shoes. After running out of things to spiel about, he sighs heavily and gets out of the chair to go off and find a translating book.

Kiba drops into the chair that Motohama left empty and expectantly holds up a sheet of paper to his chin. He has a small smile on his face that either shows the feeling of being apologetic or the feeling of excitement; as if he's happy to also be getting a lesson from Issei.

"I also have a question or two on this science equation, could I get your help?"

"...Just show it to me."

Issei's eyes narrow at the chirpy pitch of the blonde's voice when he asked for help. He takes the page from Kiba and looks at the question. Right after he finishes reading it, he tosses the piece of paper back to the damn handsome.

"How many element of oxygen are present in one molecule of water (Hydrogen Two Oxygen)? Doesn't it tell you right there in the parenthesis?!"

"Ahahaha, I apologize, Issei-kun. I pointed at the wrong one."

"That was the only unanswered question on the page!"

"I pointed at the wrong page as well."

Putting on a "V" shaped smile of victory for whatever reason, Kiba happily hands Issei another page of science worksheet. This one has a bare amount of writing on it. The brunette takes the page with narrow eyes and read through it.

His scrunched eyebrows lift a bit when he sees that the blonde wasn't joking this time. The questions on this page are reviewing comprehensive materials of a lot of the things they've learned in that class. He recognizes some from the final exam they took a few weeks ago.

Leaning in with a pencil in his hand, Issei begins to go through the problems with the methods that Matsuri has taught him. Kiba follows along on a scratch sheet of paper. He vocally ooohs on occasions when he understands what Issei's doing and ummms on occasions when he doesn't. Issei, for his part as a stand in tutor, explains the steps to the blonde when he has trouble grasping the work being explained. Handily, the two finishes the problems on the piece of paper quickly and efficiently. In the end, it only took them half an hour.

"Finally done with the last part. With this, I'm finished with my portion of the summer homework, Issei-kun."

Finishing filling out the answer to his previous joke question, Kiba compiles all of the papers of his section and neatly stacks it. Issei stares in alarm at the tidily organized stack of paper and than look at the clock.

"Eh? Already? We only started two hours ago, at most, how'd you finish so quickly?"

"I did the ones I could and wrote the ones I didn't for you to help me with."

"I did the hard work for you?!"

"Yes. Thank you for your hard work."

Kiba bows his head in a respectful manner to Issei. The brunette takes it as a personal insult and scowls at the blonde. He receives a brightly smiling face in response.

"I'm pretty much done over here too. Issei, do a check up on this."

"Motohama?! You too?!"

"Yeah, the translating got easier when I asked the librarian to show me a website for it. The rest was taken straight off of our old homework that were passed back."

"Zero effort!"

"It's called being efficient."

Motohama walks back to the table with his own stack of finished English homework. He passes the unorganized packet of paper for Issei to check. Issei snatches the packet away and skims through it. Just as Motohama's said, every worksheet has their answers filled out and every answers, while being sub par in quality, are correct.

Motohama's portion of the work, as a whole, only needed some minor editing from Issei to be good enough to pass by Kuoh Academy's standard. The glasses wearing teen preens when Issei wordlessly gives it the okay and hands it back. Just as he's done to Kiba, Issei gives his friend the stink eyes.

"If you two have nothing better to do, go help Matsuda with his part. The three of you should be able to finish the math portion by yourselves, right?"

Issei glares at the two who finished ahead of schedule and shoos them off to join Matsuda with the math part of the summer homework. Motohama shrugs and trudge to Matsuda's table while Kiba pulls out two bottles of sweet tea from his backpack.

"Thanks for your hard work, Issei-kun."

He puts one in front of Issei and smiles refreshingly. The blonde then turns around and follow Motohama to Matsuda's table.

Issei, who's now left alone to continue his work, looks down at the bottle of sweet tea. He then stare at the two portions of summer homework he's taken for himself; the History and Classic Japanese portion of the summer homework that he'd barely touched.

"...Damn handsome. If you really wanted to help, then help me do these instead."

Issei grabs the bottle of sweet tea, uncaps it, and chucks down half of the content before picking up his pencil again. Determinedly, he starts on his work with newfound energy.

* * *

-School gate-

"Good work everyone. Though it took a while because of a certain someone slowing down the process, we managed to complete our summer homework within a day, just as planned!" Standing proudly in front of the school gate, Motohama boastfully puffs out his chest and declare the groups accomplishment to everyone within hearing range. The few stragglers who were around gave them a glance before moving on.

"What do you mean, "slowing down the process?!" You guys were the ones who slowed me down to help you!" Stomping his foot on the ground in frustration, Issei balefully glares at the three troublemakers who caused him so much irritation.

"It's what you get for being a know-it-all."

"I'm still grateful for your help, Issei-kun."

"Since you're such a smarty, you should've done it all yourself and let us copy to save time."

The three troublemakers banded together against Issei, making him drop to his knee and uselessly pound the ground. "Matsuda, Motohama, don't you see that only showing your ugliness is making the damn handsome look even better?!"

Matsuda and Motohama look at each other and then at the glowing blonde standing next to them. The three's eyes meet and a jolt of understanding flashes between them. """Thank you for your hard work, Issei-kun~!"""

Each dropping a hand on Issei's shoulder, Matsuda, Motohama and Kiba happily convey their thanks to the kneeling brunette.

"I don't need your insecure words, dammit! Your fake words don't make me feel any happier, dammit!" Issei's response is a tearful outcry filled with betrayed expectations.

An alarm rings from within Matsuda's pocket to pull everyone's attention away from Issei's melodramatics. Matsuda quizzically pulls out his phone and look at what the alarm was notifying him. With a sudden ah of revelation, he quickly stands up. "Well, this is nice and all but I'm going to have to leave. There's a game coming out in a few hours and I want to be the first in line to get it."

Motohama and Issei perks up at Matsuda's word. There's only one genre of game that the three of them take seriously enough to show up for the release of; eroges.

"A game today... Ah, the one with the legal loli route as one of the options, right? Let me come with you, I wanted to get a copy too." Motohama takes a moment to recall what game comes out today and asks to join Matsuda on his trip. Issei considers on whether or not he should go as well.

"Motohama, buy me a copy. I can't go this time." In the end, after weighing his options, he decides that the game could wait. He hands his friend the money to buy him a copy and waves them off when they head off to the train station. After they turn the corner and left his sight, Issei turns back to the only member remaining from their impromptu study session. "So you're going somewhere too?"

Kiba has his attention on his phone before Issei spoke to him. Hearing the brunette address him, the blond looks up with a gentle, carefree smile. "Normally, yes, I would go to my club room but it seems that today is a special case. My club president has called the day off. It looks like I'm free for the day."

The blonde puts his phone away and walks up to Issei. "What about you, Issei-kun? Are you going home to fix those mistakes from Matsuda's and Motohama's section of the summer homework?"

Issei, in response to Kiba walking up to him, begins to walk as well. He habitually goes in the direction of the shopping district near the school. "Something like that, yeah. I guess you're doing the same?"

"I'm not much of a perfectionist so I think I'll keep this as is." Smiling pleasantly, Kiba follows after Issei.

"Sounds like you're making an excuse to be lazy." Issei deadpans at the blond for his roundabout way of saying he doesn't want to do his work properly.

Kiba lets loose a refreshing laugh that tosses some sparkle projectiles at Issei. The brunette ducks aside to dodge the metaphorical weapons turned lethally real. "Perhaps I am."

"...Is there something you needed to buy?" Kiba takes a look around the area where they're walking and wonders why Issei is coming through this route.

"Nah, I'm just going here to get some late lunch... and maybe correct the summer homework like you said." Issei points in the general direction of Naruto's shop and continues strolling towards it. Walking next to him, Kiba follows the brunette's finger and sees that he's pointing at nothing in particular.

"Did you miss lunch?" Kiba asks quizzically, figuring that the brunette is just looking around for a place to eat. He recalls that today's lunchroom wasn't all that busy, seeing as it's the last day of class, so Issei should've been able to buy something to eat there.

"Ah, no, I didn't have time to get lunch. Me, Matsuda and Motohama were... ahem, injured because of our extracurricular activities." Issei coughs into his fist and cringes at the phantom pain left on his body by the girls of the physical education, swimming class.

"...Ah, I see. You should be more careful next time?" Seeing the brunette practically shivering like a leaf for a moment, Kiba pats him comfortably on the shoulder. Issei gives a disgruntled hum of acknowledgement.

"So what are you planning on doing in the summer? I think you said you had club things, right?" Deciding to switch topics to something more public-worthy, Issei jumps on the easiest one he can think of.

"Didn't Koneko-chan tell you?" Kiba tilts his head a bit and looks at Issei in confusion. As someone who's supposedly close to the cat-girl, Kiba expected Issei to know what the club was up to during summer break. Instead, Issei shakes his head cluelessly.

"Koneko didn't really say anything. What, are you having a club trip or something?" Issei tries to remember if Koneko ever said anything about going somewhere for summer break. He doesn't recall much of anything.

"Not a trip, but something like a part time job. Here, I think I have an advertisement sheet." Kiba step to the side of the street to let other people pass by and stops. He reaches into his book bag and searches for something. Issei curiously follows the blonde to the side.

After a minute of searching, Kiba produces a leaflet which he hands to Issei. It was an occult-looking thing with a weird magic-circle and a single sentence in bright red. "Your dream will be granted!"

"...This looks suspicious as hell." Flipping it around to see the paragraphs of words in the back, Issei absently comments on the design.

"Ahaha, don't mention it in front of my club president but I think the design is a bit lacking as well." Kiba gives the brunette a helpless shrug of his shoulder. The complacent smile he's putting on says a lot. "Since she's the designer though, I, as a club member, can't do anything but obediently follow along."

"So what, you're a volunteer club now? Weren't you guys called the Supernatural Research Group or something? What happened to the supernatural side?" Stuffing the leaflet into his pocket to look at later, Issei walks back into the moving crowd and continues walking to Naruto's shop. Kiba follows along.

"It's the Occult Research Club and granting wishes is a supernatural study." Kiba's smile turns a bit mischievous when Issei looks at him perplexedly. "Haven't you heard of the legends? Of how devils can grant you wishes? We wanted to imitate it to see if it works for ourselves. Of course, rather than taking something like a soul, we do it for a proper price."

"...Rather than a devil, Koneko fits in more as a cat." Kiba snorts a chuckle and tries to hold back on laughing aloud at Issei's fitting response. Issei stares at Kiba's reaction with a bit of confusion but passes it off as a private joke only the blonde will understand.

"Is there a particular restaurant you're going to?" Stopping at a red-light intersection, Kiba notices that Issei's already decided at where he's going to turn.

"Yeah, I'm heading over to a ramen shop over there." Again, Issei points his finger at the general location of where Naruto's shop is for Kiba. He notices that the blonde is facing another direction a second later. "You going the other way?"

"Yes, my home is in that direction." Kiba points to another street separate from Issei's route. He smile turns a little sad. "It looks like we're going to split up here."

"Yeah, I guess I'll see you later then. Good work on the summer homework." As he says this, the red light turns green for the road, allowing for Issei and Kiba to continue on with their perspective paths.

"Thank you for your help, Issei-kun. Have a nice day." Kiba gives the brunette a slight bow to show his thanks and respect.

"You too, call if you ever need help with homework." Issei, as an afterthought, follows the blonde's example and bows slightly as well.

"Then, please take care of me at that time" Kiba gives Issei a hum of acknowledgement. He then goes down the road to his house.

"..." Issei looks at Kiba's back as the blonde walks away. Issei notes that Kiba was going in the same direction as where his house is. The green light turns a warning yellow and he turns to continue his way to Naruto's shop. He puts his hand into his pockets and feel the leaflet Kiba gave him. A stray thought focuses into his mind. _'Your dream will be granted, huh?'_

* * *

-Uzumaki Ramen-

Ding-a-ling

"Yo, I'm here." Opening the door and letting himself in, Issei scans the shop's interior to see the sight he was expecting; an empty store with just its two employees as the only ones there. Naruto, who was in the middle of stacking up dishes in the cabinet behind the counter, turns to Issei and replies with a bored, "hey." Matsuri smiles daintily and gives him a "welcome, Issei-kun."

"Dert's not here again today?" Making his way to the usual table where he and everyone else sits, Issei questions Naruto about the absence of the missing middle aged man in their little group. Naruto hums agreeably and closes the cabinet he was putting things in.

"He hadn't shown himself yet but he might come later." Naruto digs into his pant's pocket as he turns to Issei and pulls out his phone. He flips it open and clicks a few things on it before showing it to the brunette teen.

"_Brew me a pot of coffee. Be there at 5 for something important._" Issei reads the sentences shown to him on the phone and realizes that its a text message from Dert. He then quizzically look at the clock; it's half passed six. "He's late."

"Yeah, so is Koneko-chan. Have you seen her on the way here?" Naruto snaps his phone shut after Issei finished reading the message and puts the device back into his pant's pocket. "She'd normally be the first to come, if Dert doesn't skip work that is."

"I haven't seen her, no." Issei recalls his day to see if he ever saw the girl in the passing. Unsurprisingly, he comes out with nothing. Instead he pulls out his phone and pull out her name from his contact list of nine; His parents, Matsuda, Motohama, Naruto, Dert, Matsuri, Koneko and Kiba. Deftly, he texts a message to the white haired girl. "_U comin 2 Narut's?_"

"_Near front door. Open door._" Surprisingly, the answer comes to him promptly. He looks up from his phone to the front door and walks up to it. Opening it, he sees a crowded street of people passing by the markets around the shop. A quick look of the perimeter was all it took for him to see the girl's distinctive white hair as she slowly make her way to him.

"Thanks." As she make her way to the open door, Issei sees why Koneko was going slowly. She has a sack on her back that could make Father Christmas jealous on his national holiday. He meets eyes with her and asks the silent question with a raise of his eyebrow. She shrugs while passing him by to get into the shop. He closes the door after her.

"A gift from my club president." Lugging the sack and putting it on the table with a light but audible thump, Koneko then flops into her seat. Naruto, who saw Koneko coming earlier, comes out with a serving dish filled to the brim with ramen bowls. Matsuri follows after him with a tea set and some sweet deserts.

"What's in it?" Setting down some bowls for the middle school girl, one for Issei and the rest for himself, Naruto takes his own seat and turns on the television with the remote. Matsuri takes a seat next to him after pouring four cups of tea for each person in the shop. Issei takes up his bowl, says his thanks to the blonde chef and begins digging into his food animatedly.

"My club president's favorites." With a chopstick hanging inches from her mouth, Koneko uses her free hand to pull the sack open. An overflow of games fall out, starting from retro classics to the more currently popular games. In together, at least a couple dozens must've flowed out.

"What brought this on?" Issei swallows a mouthful of broth and asks Koneko. On the side Naruto picks up a random game cartridge. It's an action genre game that Issei was slightly familiar with.

"She saw Naruto's PFP." Finishing her bowl in near record speed, Koneko pushes it to the center of the table and reaches for the backpack sitting next to her; her backpack. She pulls out the familiar handheld that the blonde chef had lent her a few days ago when she got interested in playing the "School! Love Fest!" series. "I also finished the rich tsundere, sport tsundere threesome route."

"Bullshit." Naruto's answer to Koneko's declaration was quick, precise and decisive. He puts aside his third bowl of ramen, slamming down his chopstick with a sharp ting, and leans in conspiratorially towards the middle school girl. Koneko, in response, turns the game on and navigates herself to the last save file. She opens it and lets Naruto see the ending scene and credit run. With shuddering shoulders and widened eyes, he watches while muttering things like, "no way..." and "seriously?" Finally, as the credits run its course and the start menu shows up again, Naruto admits that the girl wasn't lying and proudly pat her shoulders. Koneko loftily puffs out her chest in reply.

"So one of Kuoh's two great ladies is a gamer." Finishing up his bowl of ramen as well, Issei puts it aside and sort through the games on the table. Some are the popular games that even he knew and others are the obscure brand that he's never heard of. The sack has a diversity in genres from platformers to puzzles to action adventure. He pulls up a particular, unlabeled one and wonders about the thought. "That's kinda neat to know."

Ding-a-ling

"Ah, it's been awhile since I've come here." The doorbell rings to announce a new customer. Issei stops in his pondering and Naruto in his commendation to look at the newcomer. Dressed casually in an undoubtedly expensive suit, with a cup of coffee in his hand and a mirthful smile on his lips, Dert walks into the shop after a week of absence. "Did anyone miss me?"

"I kinda missed the extra income, yeah." Naruto gives the middle aged man a deadpan and gets up again to go into the kitchen. He comes out a moment later with a pot of coffee while Dert makes his way to the table. Funnily enough, the man is also carrying a sack on his back like how Koneko had came. Issei ponders on the coincidence with a tint of amusement.

"I'll be sure to leave a good tip. Thank you very much, Koneko-chan." Dert answers Naruto's deadpan with a carefree smile and puts the bag on the table; the previous bag and its contents were stowed away by Koneko moments before. Naruto gives the man the coffee pot before retaking his seat. Dert, strangely enough, pops open the cap of his cup and pours pot's whole content in.

"So what have you been up to. I can't see you actually working properly for a whole week." Letting Dert take a sip from his cup first, Naruto curiously asks the question. Dert puts a hand on his heart and looks dejectedly at the blonde chef. Issei snorts at the play. He decides to pull out the summer homework and asks Matsuri to give it a overlook for him.

"For your information, Naruto-san, I've been very hard at work." The exasperation in Dert's voice was thick enough to be cut by a butter knife. Naruto rolls his eyes and hums mockingly in agreement to the man. Dert pouts in response. "I did too , you know~! Here, I even have evidence to show you all!"

Like Koneko had done earlier, Dert pulls the flap of his bag open. Unlike the middle school girl, however, the middle aged man adds flare to his action by pulling the fabric out from under the thing inside the bag itself. Issei, Naruto and Koneko leans in to see the thing that Dert is presenting and, as the cloth falls away to reveal what's underneath, the blonde in the group deadpans once again, "A mirror?"

"Not just any mirror, my dear friends." Dert smiles pridefully at Naruto's lame response and draw attention back ot himself. He fixes the mirror so that it points at the four others on the table while tweaking a knob on the side of it. The reflection becomes blurs strangely before becoming a still reflection. What it reflects, however, is the image of an empty room. "This is the greatest achievement in humankind's history, Alice's Mirror."

"...Is the name a reference to Lewis Carroll's "Through the Looking-Glass" book sequel?" As Issei, Koneko and Naruto keep an unimpressed expression even after Dert has shown them what he's been supposedly working for a whole week, Matsuri took it upon herself to keep the conversation rolling. The man, unperturbed, happily answers Matsuri's question without noticing the disinterest of the larger audience.

"It's actually a reference to that and a curious item. "Mirror Alice" is the name of it, I think. Anyways, have any of you ever read the book that Matsuri said?" Dert rubs his chin in contemplation and asks Issei, Koneko and Naruto. The blonde lifts an eyebrow and nods. Issei shrugs and recall what little he knows of the book. Koneko blinks and tilts her head, trying to remember what the book was about. Seeing the lost look from two members of his audience, Dert specifies on his comment. "For those who're unfamiliar, the gist of the story is that a girl named Alice goes to another world by falling into a mirror."

"And this world-traveling mirror is what you've made?" Naruto perks up at the implication and looks at the mirror with a bit of interest. Issei looks at the object and then at Naruto, his face has doubt written all over it. He didn't believe such a far fetch idea. Koneko and Matsuri did, however, and the two joins Naruto in looking at the mirror keenly.

"You're right in one, Naruto-san. This mirror, taking a point from both "Mirror Alice" and "Through the Looking-Glass" is an item that lets you travel to a world similar to ours but is, inherently, different somehow or another." Dert puffs his chest at the attention the three are now giving him.

"...A parallel world?" Having been silent for a while now, Koneko decides to speak up. Dert dips his head in agreement to the term that the girl used.

"Here, I'll give a small demonstration." Saying this, Dert lifts the mirror off of the table and puts it on another table nearby; with the mirror's face still pointing at group. The man hen tweak another knob on the mirror and proceeds to touch the glass surface with his right hand. Unexpectedly, or expectedly in the case of everyone besides Issei, the man's hand phases into the solid material.

Dert didn't stop with just his hand, he continues leaning forward and into the mirror. Elbows deep, then arms deep and then, with a leap from where he stood, his whole body deep. In the mirror, the image of him landing the jump with a roll plays out. The man stands up from the other side, dusts himself and give his audience a big smile and a bigger wave.

"I'm honestly surprise that he wasn't pulling our legs." Naruto gets up and curiously check out the mirror in front of him. He pokes the surface and it allowed him to go right through. On the other side, Dert beckons the blonde to come through with a large grin. "I'm piped, looks like Dert's being legit guys."

"I'll make preparations for a trip, Naruto-sama." Understanding her charge, the Matsuri stands up as well and begins to pack up the shop. With deft and efficient movements, she stores away the mess the five of them have made, cleaned up the plates and dishes, lock the door and set up their alarm system. Meanwhile, Naruto continues to testingly poke at the mirror surface. Koneko joins him halfway while Matsuri begins to pack to-go dinner for five and another pot of coffee.

"What company does he even work at?" Issei looks at the mirror doubtfully while Naruto and Koneko take turns prodding at the object like a pair of curious animals. Koneko's ear perks and she gives him a brief glance and the slightest shrug of her shoulder. Dert, who's now stopped waving on the other side, looks at the pair with an exasperated expression.

"I'm ready, Naruto-sama." After a few minutes of unceasing movement, Matsuri makes her way back to Naruto's side with a basket filled with food and drinks, her hammerspace purse and four thin jackets which she hands to everyone present. "Shall we go?"

"Yeah." Shrugging on his orange monstrosity of a coat, Naruto also takes the basket from Matsuri so that she can put on her more modest gray one. The blonde nods to Koneko, meeting gazes with each other, and they both jump into the mirror.

"Let's go, Issei-kun." With a angelic smile on her lips, Matsuri holds out her hand towards Issei, who was looking at Naruto and Koneko landing their jump on the mirror's mirror-side.

"...Yeah." Issei heaves a sigh and takes Matsuri's hand. They both take a small jump like with the others and head straight into the mirror.

* * *

-Uzumaki Ramen: Another World-

"This place is a mess." The first thing that enters his mind upon landing in Dert's 'other world' is that the place is a rundown shack. He takes a slow look around the shop to see it dusty and bare of any furniture but the most basic ones; the counter on the side and the bench nailed down to the floor. After a moment of inspection, he realizes where he is. "Are we in Naruto's shop?"

"Nope. I sure as heck wouldn't let my place become this run down." Naruto walks up to the counter and slides his hand against the wooden top. His palm comes out caked in dust. "This has been stacking for at least two years now."

"So what, you never bought this shop two years ago in this world?" Issei looks back to Dert to see if the middle aged man has any answer. He's surprised to find that both the man and Matsuri have set up nests on the bench and are furiously typing away at their laptops.

"Partially true, Issei-kun, though the proper time frame would be three years ago." Dert is the first of the two to answer Issei's question with a vague comment of his own. The man, while sipping from his cup of coffee, immediately imparts the role of further explaining any details to Matsuri.

"Some time ago, the owner of this shop was suddenly hospitalized and died weeks later due to various terminal illnesses. The inheritor of this shop, the deceased owner's son, never did anything with it and its been sitting here vacantly for the pass two years." With her eyes flicking back and forth like a ping-pong ball, Matsuri compiles up a report of the shop's ownership for everyone to hear.

"...What does that mean?" Koneko, who's not quite understanding the implication of Dert's comment and Matsuri's detailed report, asks Issei and Naruto. The blonde goes up to Matsuri and leans over Matsuri's shoulder to read what she's reading as well.

"It means that this world is a year ahead of us and that I never bought this shop." Concluding whatever he's read, Naruto stands straight up again and look at Issei's and Koneko's direction. "In our world, I bought the store two years ago from the owner and opened up Uzumaki Ramen. In this world, I never bought the shop and the owner overworked himself. I guess this is butterfly effect or whatever. Last I checked, the previous owner of the shop in our world is spending time with his wife in England."

"Well this is a morbid first impression." Issei concludes with a bleak scowl. Naruto shrugs neutrally with an expression similar to Issei's and Matsuri puts on a troubled smile. The silver haired girl puts away her laptop into her purse and stands up next to Naruto.

"Well let's not think of this for now." Dert claps his hand together, jolting everyone out of their pondering and drawing attention to himself. He's packed away his laptop as well and is standing next to the bench sipping away at his cup of coffee. "I've brought you all here so that you could enjoy a trip to a new place and have some fun, not give a lesson about the inevitability."

"With that said, you kids find something to do. I'm going to see if this world has any good coffee." The middle aged man walks up to the door and opens it. Sunlight spills in as the gap is made and Dert turns to the group again before leaving. "Oh, I almost forgot. Koneko-chan, Issei-kun, if you want to return to our world, the rings I gave you two when we were gift hunting for Naruto have the same function as the Alice's Mirror. I'll text you the full user manual later. Naruto, Matsuri and I have our own way to return so you can also look for us if you get lost."

"I'm going to look up some ramen stores then. Since I'm haven't made one in this world, there's bound to be someone else who's made territory here." Putting on a disturbingly vulpine smile, Naruto follows after Dert out the door. Matsuri trails closely after the blonde out the door as well with a worried look. She gives Koneko and Issei an apologetic smile; as if to say sorry for leaving them by themselves. Issei waves it off, knowing that the girl is going so that she can keep Naruto in check.

"...So just you and me, huh?" Issei looks down to meet eyes with Koneko. The white hair girl tilts her head cutely and nods. Issei stares at the open door for a moment. A low gurgling noise sounds up in the room. Without looking back to Koneko or seeing her cheeks redden a little, he walks to the door. "Let's get some dinner first."

With that, they too leave the shop as well.

* * *

-Restaurant-

"...To properly use the second stage of the Boosted Gear, first work up to the fifth boost on the initial gear and then say the key phrase, "Welsh Dragon Balance Breaker" to activate phase two. There will be a radical shift in strength from first to the second gear so be sure that you are ready to secure safety measures beforehand. The list of primary boost in phase two are... Seriously?! Isn't this thing a military weapon on its own?!" Issei sits adjacent to Koneko, with a phone in one hand, a ring in the other, a plate of fries in between him and his white haired friend, and a horrified expression on his face.

"Very scary." Koneko, mirroring Issei with posture, food and shocked expression, utters her true feelings. She fearfully holds the ring while reading the "manual" that Dert has sent her. The little trinket, so seemingly fragile that she could probably crush it between her fingers with a bit of carelessness, is supposedly a tool that allows the use of unrestrained senjutsu. Beyond what he's originally advertised it as when she and Issei had visited Naruto's memories, Dert has made this to be an item that seemingly fills her with "Unlimited Chakra."

"Where the heck does this guy even work?!" Dropping the ring on the table Issei scoots back a bit a stares at it with unease. The idea that the text message might be a clever hoax made by Dert crosses his mind but after considering the things he's seen the middle aged man do, the idea is crossed out. "Seriously, the stuff that he's bringing out each day is getting scary! Endless coffee cup to sci-fi military weapons, it's getting out of hand here!"

"..." Koneko silently agrees with the brunette. He didn't get any more of a better deal than she did. From what she's heard of his mumbling when he read his manual, Dert has given Issei the gift of a Balance Breaker. The amount of respect she has for the man rises again inside her mind. To do such a thing is nothing short of a miracle or the whim of the gods.

"Man... to think I brought this with me almost everywhere. I could've blown up the town on accident if I dropped it or something!" Continuing on his rant, Issei bemoans all those times that the various clubs in Kuoh Academy could've blown him and the town to smithereens. Koneko's ears perk at the comment.

"It wouldn't. Safety measures." Tugging on his jacket's sleeve to catch his attention, Koneko displays a part of her manual to him. "Both rings need to be in the near presence of each other and must be activated at approximately the same time for either to work." Apparently, the middle aged man had the sense to limit his freely given weapons of mass destruction somehow.

"Oh great, we can only destroy the town if we're together." Once he finishes reading the small passage, Issei stares up to meet Koneko's eyes and gives her a deadpan. Obviously, the ring doesn't bode well with him, safety precaution system included or otherwise.

"It works." Koneko meets Issei's deadpan with a well worn look of neutrality and holds up her hand to his face. The ring is on it, primed like how it was when they had invaded Naruto's memories, but the abundant flow of chakra was missing. The safety lock was definitely in place as far as she's concerned.

"Kh, you..." Issei's face goes through a dozen different expression from strain strangled to the classic exasperated. Finally, he settles for the slump of defeat and settles into the pose of apathy. A dull sigh of denial takes flight from his lips. "At least your ring is a lot less flashy. Still just as dangerous though."

Koneko wanted to refute that. Senjutsu, while being strong enough to be called a force of nature, is not something that can be used to casually blow up a mountain or wipe a town off the face of the planet. With sacred gears, however, anything is plausible. They are god's gift to man, after all. In the end, she pats the brunette's shoulder and mutters, "You're too tense."

"I don't understand how you're not." Koneko's word snaps something within Issei's mind. Another tirade makes itself be known to him in his head. "Do you see how ridiculous our situation is right now? We're literally having a trip in another world! this place right here was a maid cafe a few hours ago when I passed by and now it's a family restaurant! And now I find out that we've been carrying weapons of mass destruction for weeks now! There's so many things wrong with this situation."

"..." Koneko blinks in surprise at the sudden outburst and then remembers that Issei, being quite possibly the only regular person in the group, does not know anything of the moonlit side of the world. That covers being used to the occasional oddities that pops up here and there; Dert's questionable "science" being well included. Again, she does nothing but pat him calmly on his shoulder. "...Just go along with it."

"Easier said then done." Issei grumbles but puts his thoughts back in order. He notices some odd looks from the people around him and blush in embarrassment. He realizes belatedly that he's been rather loud the past minute or so of their conversation. He ducks his head and gets out of his seat to pay for the bill. "Wait a bit, I'm going to pay."

"Hmm..." Koneko nods and pulls out her wallet. She takes out a bill and hands it to Issei. The brunette teen takes it and raise an eyebrow at just how much she's handed him. It could've covered for them both and then still give them enough change to pay again twice-over. To his silent question, Koneko simply points at the display case near the cashier and says "To-go dessert."

"Of course." Issei rolls his eyes after he finished following where she's pointing. He figures that if anyone's able to eat half a dozen bowls of ramen, various snacks, a restaurant's hamburger set and still have room for dessert, it'd be Koneko. Teasingly, he asks her, "Would you like the full cake or the full pie?"

"…Half and half." After taking a serious moment of consideration, Koneko looks up at Issei with star-filled eyes. Her stomach makes a growling noise of agreement. Issei, who was joking, gulps when he gets the stern reply and looks back to the cake and pie he was using for the joke. They are both easily twice the size of his head.

"You know I was kidding, right?" Issei felt the urge to make it known that he was joking with her. Her stomach's growl convinced him that her reply isn't a joke. Throwing up his hands, he surrenders to the girl's appetite. "Alright, half a pie and half a cake coming right up."

* * *

-Market Street-

"So what do you think we should do next?" Walking down a familiar, yet unfamiliar path, Issei asks his companion while looking around. It amazes him how similar everything feels to what he remembers but is also distinctly different. "Dert said that this is a trip and all but I'm not sure what he's expecting us to do."

"…Food trip?" Koneko gaze wanders around the crowd and shops as well. Her eyes moves pass any minor details and only lock on to the important points for long enough to consider her options. She only has a limited amount of revenue and so much space in her stomach to eat all these foreign yet not dishes.

"They're all the same things as what we have at home, Koneko-chan." Issei rolls his eyes at the response and dully notes how she's now slowly making her way through the remains of the family restaurant's cake; a shop that they left not even five minutes ago. "Seeing differences is fresh and novel and all that but what can we really do here?"

"…Meet ourselves?" Koneko munch a large chunk of cake, chews and swallows before tossing out another idea. She inwardly admits that Issei is probably right. Food is still food no matter where she goes. It's not a good idea to splurge all of her pocket money for just the novelty.

"That… could actually be a thing." Issei pauses for a moment to ponder on the idea. That's certainly something that they could do now that they're here. He rubs his chin and further thinks on the idea. Since this world's Issei has never met Dert and Naruto would his life be more normal? Would he be any different from Issei? Would he even be a pervert in this world? "We could do that, yeah."

Koneko, standing next to Issei, watches as the brunette's expression turn from contemplative to curios to a wide grin of interest. He pulls out his phone and begins typing in something hastily. Leaning in, Koneko takes a look at what he's doing. She sees that he's searching up his house's address; seeing as how neither of them kept track of where they've been wandering to. A thought crosses her mind.

"Different world. Not the same." Saying the thought aloud, she catches the brunette's attention. He pause in his typing and looks at her quizzically. A moment later, an idea dawns into his mind.

"…Just like how Naruto's never bought the shop. You're saying that I might have different parents altogether?" It makes sense if he thinks about it. It's an alternate world where things are different from what he knows. Like with Naruto's case, the difference isn't only presence in the present but also the past which inadvertently changes the present. His parents might never have met each other in the past and had to marry someone else. "Wouldn't that mean I don't exist?"

Koneko furrows her brows at the conclusion the brunette's jumped to. Because Naruto had previously said that this world is one year ahead of their own, she had the idea that this world's Issei's family might have a moved to another house, thus, him not having the same address.

"-But then, if I don't exist, the same conclusion could be said about you, Naruto, Dert or Matsuri. If none of us existed then nothing about our lives would've run its course til now. Wouldn't that actually be the same for everyone? No one from our world would exist in this world. But if no one exists similarly then how are these buildings and street design so similar? This world is parallel to ours, meaning that its alike enough to be the-"

"…" Koneko observes Issei as he reflects on the foundation of this world. Halfway through, she becomes more interested in counting the amount of creases frowning the brunette's face as he scrunches his expression for more concentration. She can already tell that her comment was misinterpreted very badly.

She sighs aloud and breathes deeply inwards. Closing her eyes for a moment, a memorable rush of energy enters her system. She proficiently moves her chakra to intermingle with the energy; allowing both to take a form of something greater, something she can use for the task at hand.

According to Naruto, senjutsu is a natural stage of enlightenment for certain aspects for the world. Books and records of techniques used to reach this stage and when in this stage have been written by sages and living buddhas of the far distant past. Naruto, somehow or another, having uncover handfuls of these lost relics, found a collection of these texts and have shared it with her during the times she's trained with him. One of those many techniques is the aptly named "Far Seeing Eyes."

"…" After a moment to make sure it has worked properly, Koneko opens her eyes. Her vision hazily shifts in and out. She can see what's ahead of her just as easily as she can see what a mile ahead of her is. She takes a minute to get used to it and begins looking around. In the background, she notices Issei pacing back and forth. He's now muttering something about how the casualty of any of them existing right now in this world is affecting the past, present and future. Koneko blanks him out again. She begins to earnestly look for this world's Issei instead.

A minute passes by, she finds nothing. Issei's mumbling changes on to the topic of this world's history. He's using his phone to fact check and compares what he knows to the fact of this world.

Five minutes passes, still nothing. Koneko's feeling a slight headache building up. Issei has now confirmed that everything historical is accurately the same. There's no difference between the major occurrences in this world and theirs.

Ten minutes passes by, Koneko's headache is becoming a mild annoyance. Issei's dragged her to a nearby bench to sit since the both of them have been standing stock-still in the middle of the street like a pair of idiots.

Fifteen minutes passes by, Issei's confirmed that the major towns and street are the same. Koneko's headache is worsening and she's starting to figure out why Naruto had so keenly taught her this technique.

Twenty minutes passes, her headache reaches a breaking point and she has to force herself to stop giving the skill any more hope of being useful. Needless to say, she couldn't find any otherworld-Hyoudou Issei. Instead, she's found literally every ramen shop within her fifteen kilometer radius.

She buries her head into her hands, letting the constant flow of nature energy teeter off and returning to normal. The pedestal that Naruto sat on within her mind drops drastically by a couple of notches. Sitting beside her, Issei, "ahhhs" in an enlightened manner.

"Ok, so I was over-thinking things after all. This world has an Issei who lives down the street from where I live. Turns out, my old neighbor and my parents bought their houses at around the same time. This world just switched who bought what." Searching through the online yellow book for help, Issei confirms, after twenty minutes, that he was speculating far too much.

Koneko balefully glares at the brunette within the depths of her hands.

* * *

-Meanwhile With Dert-

He takes a sip of the cup in his hand. The sweet fluid pours down his throat. The deep flavor infuses itself into his essence. A deep yet mellow taste was present within the blend. It brings forth the image of an energetic crowd, of people bustling and hustling, going to their destination in a hurry.

He swallows the liquid, the image reinforces itself. In their hustling and constant movement, each member ceases to be their own person and is instead ingested into a larger whole. A bitter tang and a tart aftertaste follow behind.

So as with the image is the coffee in his hand. He takes the cup and swiftly drinks the rest within. He pays the barista, gives the young man a thanks and a warm smile, and leaves the shop.

As he walks to his next point, he mentally crosses out the previous shop. Store bought coffee still tastes like crap, even in this world.

* * *

-Meanwhile With Naruto and Matsuri-

"Three spoon of salt, and two cups of broth, carry out the noodle and wrap it with cloth… ingenious, pure genius. Who's the madman who would try this and expect to succeed…" Crouching near an opened safe with a stack of paper in his hands, Naruto skims through the pages and mumbles to himself.

"Bzzt… Nar… Naruto-sama. Can you hear me?" From the earpiece in his ear, Matsuri's urgent voice knocks im out of his awed musings.

"I can hear you, what's wrong, Matsuri?" Naruto touches his earpiece to bring it closer to his ears. He discreetly stuffs the pages into his jacket and closes the safe, locking it back to its normal state.

"They're coming. You must quickly escape." The urgency in Matsuri's voice ticked something off my Naruto's mind.

"Already?" He makes his way to the escape window he's opened beforehand.

"I hear voices, there's someone there!" From the nearby stairwell, voices ring out and the door slams open.

"Shi- they're here." Naruto rushes his last few steps to the window and jumps out in a hurry. His pursuers were quick on his tail.

"He's got our secret ramen recipe! Don't let him escape!" Like a phantom thief, Naruto disappears into the daytime crowd. His chasers still continues to hound after him however, even after he's out of sight.

So is the harsh life of a ramen chef. To give, to take, to steal, to make, all for the customer… and for profit, but it's mostly for the customers.

* * *

AN

Idiot #1: Welcome to another chapter of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef"~!

Idiot #2: It's been five months... I wonder if anyone remembers what this story's about.

Idiot #3: We sure as heck don't. Story? Plot? Progression? What's that?

Idiot #1: In case anyone doesn't remember the plot, jump back to last chapter's timeline thing.

Idiot #2: For here, we'll add in what happened in this chapter.

*Warning, spoilers... maybe? Skip to end spoiler if you don't want to read it*

Chapter 9) Summer vacation starts. Issei gets to befriend Kiba. Dert introduces to the group a whole new world. They each have their own adventure. Heavily hints that we're using cannon as a reference for this new world. (sets in July)

*End of spoiler*

Idiot #3: So yeah, this happened. Whooo~?

Idiot #1: We'll have another chapter up in the coming year.

Idiot #2: I'm only here to word stall another nine words.

Idiot 1, 2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


	10. Insert: Dual Ramen

-Oppai Loving High School Boy's Ramen-

If I have to call myself anything, I'd say I'm a regular guy. There's nothing really special about me that makes me different from the norm. I'll admit that I'm a bit more perverted than normal and that I'm slightly more intelligent than an average guy on the street but that's not saying much. I'm still comparing myself to the average, the normal, by saying that I'm a bit above them.

If the average was zero and a world changing individual was a ten, I'd be smack dab a two. No matter how you logically round that, I'd still be closer to average than anything special. People like Naruto, Dertaerg, Matsuri or Koneko, these are the ones who rounds up to the tens. They have potential; they have genuine uniqueness of their own.

I'll be the first to admit that I, Hyoudou Issei, am nothing special. I am what anyone my age can become, nothing more, and nothing less. That's why, when I see others having something I can't obtain, I would naturally become jealous. Just like everyone else, I am not above the emotions of envy.

That's why, as I'm perched on my neighbor's roof with Koneko by my side, I'm feeling the urge to put on Dert's ring and wreak havoc. I'm feeling many emotions right now, confusion, anger, jealousy, enviousness, and it was all Koneko can do to not let me loose. Being my trusty friend, she knows very well what I'm thinking right now and because she's such a trusty friend, she not allowing me to act on said thoughts.

"Issei, calm down! We're hiding for a reason!" There's a genuine amount of panic within Koneko's usually neutral voice. In any other occasion, I would pause in anything I'm doing and tease her for it; assuming the cause of that panic is tease-worthy. In this particular occasion however, I'm feeling the urge to throw the girl off of my back so that I can properly go berserk.

"Let go, Koneko-chan! I need to go throttle that bastard right now! Just a punch or two, I promise to calm down after that!" It wasn't meant to be however, that I can throw her off. Logically speaking, this situation where the middle school girl a head shorter than me is holding me down completely doesn't make sense. I am the one with the heavier mass and it should be me who has more leverage if we grapple. The white haired girl didn't agree; she continues to hold me down on to the roof's surface while I struggle with all my might.

"Dangerous."

Koneko, true to her nature, speaks in vague words with multiple meanings. I know her well enough to interpret her meaning though; it's dangerous if I go on a rampage here in this world that I don't belong to. If I was rationally thinking, I'd have to agree. Fortunately, my jealousy overrules common sense.

"How can I let this happen in my sight without doing anything? Has God abandoned me?! Is there no justice to this world?!"

I continue to struggle against the girl's iron grip while bemoaning my weakness. Then, as if by a miracle, Koneko flinches and pulls back. Her hold loosens and I, in my thrashing about, dislodge her from atop me. I manage a half crawling dash away from her before getting to my feet and making my way towards the target of my anger. In my haste and blinded by my jealousy, I forgot one key factor as I run forward; I'm on my neighbor's roof.

I take an angered step, expecting my foot to meet solid roofing, and instead met with empty air. I squawk aloud and lunge forward for my misstep. My eyes widen at how quickly my vision shifts towards the ground and how much it's immanently becoming closer. I stop a moment later and hang dangling in the air.

"I told you, dangerous."

Speaking with no little amount of ire in her voice, Koneko steadily pulls me up by the scruff of my jacket. She sets me on my shaky knees and crosses her arms. Glaring down at me with puffed cheeks, she taps her foot expectantly.

"…"

I understand what she's waiting for, now that jealousy and irrationality's all but abandoned me to my own. I bow my head under her glare and would've practically fallen into a dogeza if it wasn't for the roof's sloped surface.

"I'm sorry for not listening earlier and for being childish."

"...Apology accepted."

She readily forgives me when I said sorry but I still see a bit of huffiness in her stance. I sigh mentally and pull out the ace in the hole I bought earlier today. I pull out a cookie from the folds of my jacket, one that I had bought previously at the family restaurant we visited, and offer it respectfully to the white haired girl. It disappears from my hands in seconds; without me noticing it was gone until I heard her chewing on it.

"We should leave. Police are coming to investigate noise."

"Yeah."

I nodded with the girl's suggestion and allow her to carry me off the roof. Just like how we got on, Koneko effortlessly brings me along as she jumps roof to roof like an acrobat.

If a passerby were to watch the scene from beginning to end, they would confusedly say that what happened didn't make sense; from my fit of anger to Koneko carrying me off. If I was said passerby, I would completely agree. I would also then go into a fit of rage because of what I'll be able to see from the roof's vantage point; thus, causing the cycle to repeat.

What was it I saw that made me go into a fit of jealous rage? It was the image of every men's wishes and dreams, the picture of two beautiful girls joining a man in the bathroom to take a bath together! They were washing his back with their boobs! He was getting the image of their bare boobs for his eyes to feast on! He got to touch those glorious boobs with his hands!

By no means am I vain bastard who can't see the recognize the achievement of others. If it was a man who was like Matsuda or Motohama, I would cry out towards the heavens, push some passive-aggression on them and eventually wish them best. If it was a man like that handsome bastard Kiba, I would again cry out to the heavens, blame him for my girlfriend-less status, but accept that it's a part of life. But no, neither of these were the case.

The man looks nothing special, I might even call him normal. He seems somewhat dull and a bit more perverted than the average guy off the street. If I had to judge him by anything, I'd say he's a two out of ten with zero as a normal man and ten being a world changing individual. Overall, the man is a regular person. I'm sure I've made it clear by now, that enviable boob touching man was me all along, Hyoudou Issei!

There are few things in this world that I cannot stand and one of them includes lucky bastards who're like me having more girl-luck than me! In this scenario where the the person who's "like me" IS me, I'm honestly thrown into a fit of rage.

"We're in the clear."

Landing gracefully on her toes and bending down to her knees, Koneko slides me off her shoulder before standing up again. She shows no strain in her movement, which amazes me. She just jumped off the roof of a two story house with me as a sixty-kilogram luggage.

"...You saw that right? I wasn't hallucinating, right?"

Now that I'm rational and sane again, I begin to rethink on the scene I saw with a clear head. Were there any chances within this world of me being able to be in such a desirable situation as a that? I calculate that the chances are low, since he's me. No, wait, if he's me then shouldn't it be impossible? Even if I'm like Dert and have a ton of money, I'd still be unable to pull that off. Prostitutes don't take underage teens as customers.

"That wasn't a hallucination."

Koneko rebukes my thought process with that statement, sending jealousy on the loose again. My hand unconsciously digs into my pocket, where Dert's ring was located. Koneko's hand, or rather, her fist, is raise upwards in response. Her ring is already on her finger.

"Don't be rash."

"Alright, geez, I got it. I won't be stupid."

I consciously pull out my hand and put them up in the air as a gesture of surrender. The girl glares at me for a moment before nodding in appeasement. She then starts walking down the street.

"Still, this world must be pretty weird. For me to be in that kind of situation in broad daylight…"

"You still want to meet him?"

Koneko hums and asks me a vexing question. Do I want to meet that enviable me? An hour ago, when I didn't know any better, I said yes and we went to his house. It was only a morbid curiosity that told me to go. Now, with the knowledge I've obtained, do I still want to meet him?

"If I can punch him in the face and throttle the secrets to his success out of him, yes, I'd like to still meet him."

Now, it depends on the circumstances. If I were to meet my alternate self, there's no doubt that I would attempt to punch him for being so lucky when I, someone who's literally him, am not. Koneko hums in response and lightly dusts her knuckles. I automatically raise my hands up again. Her message cannot be any clearer.

"So meeting myself is out. You wanna go and meet yours, Koneko-chan?"

"…"

My white haired partner rubs her chin in contemplation. She bobs her head from side to side as she continues walking and, after a minute of consideration, she looks at me and nods. I pull out my phone and open up the yellow book that I used to find my house in this world.

"Did you live in an apartment or a house in our world? That'll narrow down the search by a lot."

While the yellow book loads, I walk up to a nearby bench and take a seat. Unknowingly, the two of us walked ourselves into the park near my house; halfway to Naruto's shop in our world. Koneko plops down next to me and leans over my shoulder to take a better look at my phone.

"Apartment complex seven in district twelve."

Koneko helpfully pokes at my phone to type in her address on. The result was not out of our expectation range. Just like how my family's name doesn't show up in this world if I type in the address of my world, Koneko's name doesn't show up for her address. Instead, it's rented out to a man neither of us have heard of.

"Well there goes that... It doesn't look like you live in this complex either."

Going down the list to see if she just happened to rent a different room, we become stump when we find that she's not listed anywhere in the apartment area. I huff a sigh and look at the girl. This case could be like mine where my parents of this world bought a similar house because of the choice and time of offer.

"Did you have any other options in mind when you picked this particular apartment? We could check those out to see if we get a hit."

"...Can't remember."

The white hair girl thinks seriously and then shakes her head after a minute. I slump down at the answer, that's to be expected. I don't even remember what I did last week for homework so I can't expect Koneko to remember her options for renting out rooms were months or years ago.

That brings up a problem though; now it's going to be many times harder to find the Koneko of this world. Finding a house under a certain name and finding a apartment room under a certain name are two completely different levels of difficulty.

Koneko slumps dejectedly on my shoulder and pouts. I can see the disappointment on her usually neutral face. Did she really want to meet her alternate that much? She opens her mouth and says,

"Let's do something else then."

"We can't give up that easily. Let's call Dert and Matsuri. They might know a better way of searching for you. They're both good with computers."

I refute Koneko's suggestion and close out of the yellow book function to pull up my calling list. I mentally flipped a coin on who to call and decides that Dert should be the one. Matsuri's probably busy keeping Naruto in check. The phone takes a few seconds to ring before a beep cuts it off. I pull away and look at it in confusion. The screen shows that I'm back on my contact list. Knowing that the middle aged man always picks up his phone and answers, no matter the situation, I take a guess that his phone's out of battery.

"...It's no good."

Koneko pulls down her phone the same time as me. Her screen has Matsuri's contact information pulled up. I read between the lines and conclude that she didn't have luck calling the silver haired girl.

"Course not! We can go look for information ourselves. It'll just take a bit longer than finding out where I live though."

I take a quick look at the large clock posted in the middle of the park, the one right on top of the water fountain, and see that it's a little over four in the evening.

"See? It's not even near diner time yet. We can still go look around for a couple of hours, then get some dinner afterwards. If we don't have any results, we'll try calling Naruto and Matsuri to help. Those two will probably be done touring around the town for ramen shops by then, right?"

I notice halfway through that I was beginning to babble about the obvious. I continue to do so because Koneko's taking those words at face value and is perking up again. She nods unquestionably to my suggestion and pumps her fist in anticipation. Huh, I guess she really wants to meet her alternate self in this world.

"So here's the plan, you go to the places you'd normally go to and scout around. Chances are good that you'll find yourself there. I'll go to the library and look her up, see if she has anything I can look for online on a stronger computer."

Unlike my phone that can only browse on one screen and slowly load multiple files at the pace of a snail, finding things on a large spectrum is much easier with a computer.

"We'll meet back at the family restaurant from before in… let's say, three hours?"

I look back at the clock and decide that three hours should be a good time. Koneko thinks so too because she looks like she's ready to run off.

"Alright then. Good luck."

"You too."

Like a free runner, Koneko bolts away. I look at her dust trail for a moment before turning to the way of the library. A small part of me wonders, now that Koneko's away, if I can go "meet" my alternate.

I toss the thought into a dark corner after realizing that small part was jealousy. Koneko's current request is more important and time consuming. I sigh.

* * *

"Multiple reviews complimenting her on services in numerous unspecified tasks, cameo appearances in certain manga and anime series, a part of an unofficial rap group's fan base, local champion to multiple boxing arenas in town, customer of the month many times over in many confectionery shops... the heck is the Koneko in this world doing?!"

As it turns out, finding out about the girl wasn't time-consuming at all. We probably didn't even need to meet the girl at all. Searching up the name Koneko Toujou, whether it be on my phone or on a computer, easily got me more than enough results to piece together what she's like. Just like the me of this world, it seems that this version of Koneko is also ludicrously successful in life so far.

When I compare the two of us to the two of them, I can't get over the feeling that we've lost somehow. My heart's crying in dejection. What's with this repertoire of known things about you! Are you an anime character who can do anything if you put your mind into it?! At this point, I'm kinda scared to look up the me in this world. Perhaps Koneko's "dangerous" statement was right. If her alternate version is this colorful, I might not survive a meeting with my own.

Having obtained the information needed, this world's Koneko's home address, I turn off the computer and go outside again. I look at the clock-post near the front of the library to see how much time I've wasted and it seems that only thirty minutes have passed since I've split up with my Koneko. I don't know if I should be feeling relieved or worried at how easily I got this world's Koneko's living address.

I pull out my phone and thumb my way to Koneko's number. Dialing the call button, I wait for three rings before she picks up her phone. There was a hesitant hello that comes to greet me from the other side.

"Yo, Koneko. I'm done with my job."

"...Already?"

I take note that she took a moment to ask me that. There's something like... dismay(?) in her voice. Did she find me actually doing my job surprising? Or maybe it was because I caught her at a bad time. Because I told her to visit the places she'd normally go to, it wouldn't be a coincidence if I'm calling her while she's eating right now. In fact, I'm almost certain that she is.

"Yeah, it was easy. How about you?"

"I'm still at work."

My ears strain to hear any incriminating sound of food being eaten or plastic bags of snacks being crinkled. I couldn't hear anything but I still doubtlessly know that it's there.

"Really? Then let me help you~."

"Unneeded."

Muahahaha? Have I stumble upon something greater than I had imagined? Her answer was too fast and too concise for there to not be anything teasable on the other side. My Naruto senses are ringing in a different way than usual. It's screaming chance! An opportunity has appeared before me. I can get back at her if I know what she's hiding!

"Come on, Koneko-chan~. Don't be like that~. I just want to help~. Just tell me where you are and I'll even bring you snacks~! How about cheesecake? They're really creamy and delicious, you know~."

"...Unneeded."

I can hear your hesitation, Koneko-chan. It sounds just like your stomach gurgling in hunger! I have you now~! You can't escape from my grasp!

...

It took me ten minutes and a promise of a cartful of snacks but I managed to get the location out of her mouth. A part of me, something that sounds a lot like my conscience and common sense, tells me that I'm being villainous; almost Naruto-like. I ignore it and go to the nearest bakery store with Koneko's location in my hand.

* * *

-Ramenyan's Ramen-

As unbelievable as it is, I really am in another world. As I walk down the familiar street, I gaze around in wonderment. Issei has mentioned before that the architecture of the everything here is eerily similar for a supposedly different world but that doesn't fully begin to describe it. The differences are much more than just changes in building and street designs.

The differences between this world and my world are both vexing and intriguing. It's vexing in the case that some of my favorite stores don't recognize me or have my favorites anymore. Inversely, it's intriguing in the case that there are shops I don't know of calling out to me and offering me new treats I've never tasted before; delicious new treats.

While turning into a shop I know, one that I occasionally visit to restock my snack storage, I see my partner jauntily walking around. Skipping happily down the street, Issei Hyoudou swings back and forth various bags of snacks and confectionery sweets.

I take a moment to tell apart which Issei this is, since I've never seen mine "skip happily". It's not an action that I would associate with my world's Issei. From the way he's dressed, I can only assume that he's mine and not this world's.

I curiously stare at the strange scene. Didn't we both agree earlier to find everything we can about this world's me? Why's he now skipping around with a load of food in his hands. I don't think he can eat all that even if he is very hungry. It would be one thing if it was me, since I'm a devil and I can metabolize my food faster, but Issei's a regular human. Counting the amount of meals we've eaten together, we have covered for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That's not even counting the food that he's eaten before so I doubt that hunger is the cause of him buying so much food.

I inquisitively leave the shop I'm in to follow after the brunette. I did not call out to him, however, and merely shadow after his footsteps. This leads me to seeing him visit three more bakeries and ending up with a cart of food to tow around.

Skipping with the cart of sweets and confectioneries, the brunette leaves the market district and goes to the apartment districts for some reason. It occurs to me again that I might actually be following this world's Issei instead of mine. After all, why would my Issei do any of this? It would make more sense if he were to go back to his house in this world and try to torture this world's Issei for girl-seducing techniques or whatever he calls it.

I channel a bit of nature energy into my system and quickly pull off the "Far Seeing Eye" technique. A moment of blurry vision and a brief peek confirms that my Issei is not at the library. He is, in fact, the one that's happily skipping along the road pushing a cart filled with food.

I mentally applauded myself for using the technique for a purpose that's not intended by Naruto when he taught me it. It's not like I could've just used my regular senjutsu senses to see if this was my Issei or not. I had to make sure. It's not like I'm a sore loser or anything because I spent so much time getting down that technique and went so far as to go another twenty minutes to test it in vain. No, I'm not sore at all.

I ease off the flow of nature energy and turn my attention back to the brunette as he rounds the street corner. He's slowly going to a specific district. I can tell by the way he's looking at something on his phone. I can't make it out very well from this distance, I can infer that it's a map of sort from the way he's mumbling to himself.

Still, I have no idea how my Issei got from going to the library to skipping here with a cart of food. I could just ask him but I don't want him to know that I've been here all along. It's one thing to see him goofing off but if he knows I'm following his footsteps, I'll never forgive myself. I pull out my phone instead and go to his name. I press call and put it up to my ear.

As the phone rings, I duck into a nearby alley. It's a spot that could hide me well enough so that the brunette would glance over me if he looks by but still allows me to see the teen for a while longer.

"Koneko-chan?"

Three rings were made before the other side picks up. I widen my eyes as my senses tell me conflicting stories. My ears hear the voice of Issei who's vocally asking me a question. My eyes see Issei continue to skip down the street; pushing a cart with one hand and holding his phone with the other AWAY from his ear.

"…Issei?"

I hesitantly return my receiver's question with another question.

"Yeah, it's me. Is something wrong, Koneko-chan?"

I confirm that my senses are not tricking me. The voice on the other side was clearly saying things that the Issei I'm seeing was not. Still, I knows that this is Issei's voice so I can only make the logical leap. There's two Issei coexisting right now, the Issei in front of me is mine so, logically, that means that the Issei I'm speaking to is the other.

"Sorry, I called the wrong person."

"Wha? Konek-"

I did the only thing that was appropriate for the situation and cut off the call. Following that, I block off Issei's number for the moment and run out of the alley. Assuming that I called this phone number and didn't meet my Issei, I would've made the mistake of contacting the wrong Issei without realizing my error. I have to make sure that my Issei isn't doing just that. I run up to the brunette and tap him from behind on his back.

"Issei."

"Koneko-chan?!"

Issei startles in response and I see him almost jump in place. He clutches his phone to his chest while stopping the cart from going further. The wheels clatter against the road in a cacophony of chaotic sounds that are probably not that different from how his heart must be feeling.

"When did you get here?!"

"Not important. Did you call me?"

I brush away Issei's question and pull up my phone to his face. The boy looks confusedly between it and me. I huff and point specifically towards a name in my list of recent calls, Issei's name. I then pull my finger over to the time that the call was made; only a scant minute ago.

"Wait… what?"

Issei stares at my screen, then down to me and then his phone. He pulls up his own contact list, go to the list of recent calls and check up my name. He flips the screen to my direction for me to see. As I expected, sitting at the top of his recent call list is my name. The time since we supposedly last contacted was twenty minutes ago.

"Our numbers calls our alternates of this world."

I helpfully state my findings so that Issei can catch on. He stares at me for a moment before slapping his forehead.

"Of course it does. Law of Randomness be damned when we're the same person. We obviously have to have the same numbers such as birth date, phone number and even ids so that we can be parallels to each others. If that's the case, then..."

Issei starts to mumble some incoherent things again. I lightly poke at his ribs to regather his fading attention span. He blinks in surprise and looks down to me. There's a spark of something in his eyes, like he remembers something when he sees me.

"Oh yeah, I found out where you are."

Of course you did, I'm right here.

"For some reason, you're at this apartment complex doing something."

Issei taps a few buttons on his phone to return the screen to what he was on before. Now that I'm getting a better look, I see it as the GPS function of his phone. The address inputted seems familiar but I can't spot out where I've seen it.

"A job?"

"Might've been. She said she was still busy with something when I called her."

Issei nods in confirmation to what I thought. It seems like my version in this world is working with a contractee right now. I wonder if it is anyone I know.

I look at his phone again and then at the nearby signpost. The address is nearby, it seems. I grab him by his sleeve and tug him along.

"Let's go."

"Ah, sure. Wait up."

With one arm being occupied by my tugging, Issei tries and halfway succeeds to getting the cart of food to follow him. I helped by removing some of the excess weight. I earn a tepid glare from him. The piece of cake I got tastes delicious.

* * *

"So this is what you Occult Club members do in your free time?"

"...It's part of the job. I'll do anything in my power to get it done."

"I'm sure it is, Ramenyan-chan."

Lounged on yet another rooftop for the second time of today, Issei and I stalk my alternate with a pair of binoculars in hands. Issei's comments are made so that I'll get riled up, I can tell. He wants to entice me to take out righteous anger for the injustice that I'm seeing being put on the image of my person. He's barking up the wrong tree; trying to challenge a devil in a game of temptation.

Through the rims of my binoculars, I can see my alternate posing in bizarre poses while dressed in clothing that would fit only in the dreams of the most drugged up anime lovers. If it was a few months ago, I would stare at the strange scene with uncertainty and indignation.

Now, after Naruto sold me, Dert and Issei off to the glorious world of internet moviedom as a brand name for his ramen, I could hardly bat an eye. I've heard of stranger requests from more unusual people, most of whom I gladly(?) call my customers. I, of course, refused the far too outlandish ones though.

"So, how much do I have to pay to get you to join me in my quest to obtain the truth of this universe from my alternate?"

Dramatically pulling out a piece of paper from his pant's pocket, Issei flares it in front of me. I recognize it by the peculiar coloring as the handout advertisements for the Occult Research Club which I'm a tentative member of (because of my grade level).

I raise an eyebrow at the question and at the appearance of the piece of paper. To my knowledge, nobody in the group, not even Naruto, has come across one of those handouts yet. For Issei to have one hidden away without my knowledge is a bit surprising. Taking a few seconds of thought, I seriously give him my price.

"One year's worth of all you can eat sweets, delivered to me at any time I want, wherever I am."

Okay, so it's not really that serious. Then again, the situation isn't that serious either. If it was solemn and followed the proper procedure of where I am summoned by his need for the wish to be granted, I would have given him a better response. Seeing as that's not what happened, this is my answer.

"…I'll just save this for another time then."

Issei actually thought about the deal critically and decides against the cons. I roll my eyes at him, showing outward exasperation while being a little saddened on the inside. If he had negotiated, I would've lowered the fee a bit and still help out with his wish; in a less violent manner than what he probably intends though. I'm not so much of a glutton that I'd forsake a friend in need (Issei doesn't need it that much though; it's more like a dim-witted want).

"So, any explanations for that?"

After he's stowed away the piece of paper, he points back to the building where my alternate self is doing strange poses. I take another look with my binoculars to see who this customer is.

"...Murosaki-san, twenty-seven years old, has a bachelor's degree in the majors of history, science and art. "A budding artist who got tired of society's shit," or so he calls himself. He's a Neet who's got a side-job as a manga artist. You've met him before."

Seeing a familiar face, I recall key bits of my client's personal information and decides to share the interesting parts of it with Issei. I remember the two of them meeting weeks ago, when we were at a cafe. Murosaki-san helped Issei out by explaining some difficult to understand questions in his homework.

"Really?"

Issei takes another peek into the room as well and stares for a long minute. He puts down his binocular after a moment with a perplexed face.

"I can't remember..."

He spends some time mauling over the man's face but doesn't remember in the end. I don't blame him, Murosaki-san does have a forgettable face. I instead move my binoculars back to my alternate self, and look at her.

Older but still the same as me, I think that's the best way to describe her. Height-wise, she didn't seem to have grown all that much apart from me. Her neutral expression is the same as mine. Even her demonic powers, from what I can sense, isn't too different from me.

"-wait. Can't I just ask her for help instead?"

While I'm busy taking a look at my alternate, Issei seems to have gone from pondering about Murosaki to having an epiphany about something else altogether. I blanked out his near incoherent mumblings out of habit so I only manage to hear the last few bits. I look at Issei to see him pull out my contract paper again.

"Hey, Koneko, how exactly does making a contract with you work?"

Looking sideways at me with his face still facing another direction, Issei pulls out the contract again and asks me this. I reraise my eyebrow of questioning.

"Well, I was thinking that we can't just continue to stalk her like this. It'd be weird to meet her with how you look too so we're stuck watching from afar. But, if I hire her to do a minor job, I could get closer to her and get to know her. I could ask her questions which would seem weird but can be a part of the "job"."

Issei begins to go into a long explanation of his plans for me and I catch on to his scheme halfway through. The boy, having a one tracked mind, was easily predicted the moment his gaze shifts away from mine. He still wants to go after his alternate. I can tell because he blatantly mentions it earlier.

"Issei, no."

The teen deflates at my flat rejection. His shoulder droops a bit but only slightly. I can see his resilience grow with every failed attempts.

Still, I only said no to what was implied with his scheme. Everything else on the surface sounds appealing enough for me to allow. The idea of him chatting information from my alternate is novel, if nothing else and I only really need to know one thing from her. It's just... the idea is missing something.

"...I'll tell you how to make a contract, for a proper purpose, if you disguise yourself."

Issei tilts his head at my request. Now, he's the one to look at me with a questioning gaze. It takes a moment before he realizes what I meant.

"...Huh, I guess we could have known each other in this world as well huh? We do go to the same school."

He mutters his thoughts and nods in agreement to my request. Ah, he didn't understand my meaning. Though it what he says does make sense, it's not what what I actually meant.

I was only planning on dressing him up like a clown so that he wouldn't run off to do something stupid while I can't hold him back. I'm very worried that he's still stuck on the idea of beating up his alternate so that he can "learn of the unfathomable truth of this universe".

If he has a contract with my alternate, I won't be able to freely show myself so he'll have free rein of the situation. A disguise, in that case, will act as the binding agent to keep him from doing as his idiocy demands.

"But what disguise are we going to use?"

When Issei asks me this, I try to remember any costume shops I can think of. None comes to mind. Bewilderingly, though I've dressed up in all kinds of bizarre fashions, I've never once had to be the one to procure the clothing. They have all been handed out for me to wear.

"...I don't know."

Troubled, I answer the brunette with honesty. The teen makes an "ehhh?" sound when I say this. I glare at him. What? Did he expect me to be able to pull out a shop off of the top of my head? Maybe if it was a ramen store but costume shop? No.

BANG

A loud noise rings out; the sound of metal hitting a hard wall. I turn to the clamor and narrow my eyes towards whoever it was.

"Don't worry. I heard everything and I got you covered. Matsuri, get the make-up kit."

"Yes, Naruto-sama."

Naruto walks through the doorway, holding six bulky bags between his two hands. Matsuri follows closely after holding her purse in one hand while the other digs inside for the content. Dert teeters along a second after the silver haired girl with a pot of coffee in one hand and his coffee cup in his other. He helpfully uses his foot to close the door that was unhinged by Naruto.

Understanding what Naruto meant, I usefully stick out one of my legs. Issei, who also understood what the blonde meant, tries to get up and run to the other exit. He trips on my outstretch leg.

"Traitor!"

Issei squawks indignantly when he falls prey to my trap. He falls straight into the caress of Naruto's outstretched arms; the blonde had set his six bags aside a second ago.

"So Ryoudou Seiko makes her second appearance in another world, huh? Not a bad setting if I have to say so myself."

The brunette teen screams a blood curling scream as Naruto drag him back to the stairway. The ominous click of the door closing syncs eerily with Issei's cry cutting off. I give the brunette a small prayer before diving into the six bags Naruto left behind.

As expected, the majority of the bags that Naruto brought, four of them, were filled to the brim with ramen from different places; some were familiar, some not. Matsuri pulls out an intricate tea set and matching herb box from the other two. Dert... he pours coffee from the pot into the cup before continuing to sip away steadily at the content.

With Matsuri's permission, I dig into one of the many bowls of ramen. I, in turn, give her permission to go through Issei's pile of sweets for something to go with her tea. Dert merely walks over to the edge and casually stalks alternate me with Issei's forgotten binocular.

After a few minutes, enough time for Matsuri to conveniently finish making and start serving her tea, Naruto walks out from behind the metal door. He drags a lifelessly walking Issei behind him.

I give the brunette's 'Ryuudou Seiko' disguise a once over and admit to myself that, even if Naruto is sketchier than a candy salesman in a a dark alleyway, the blonde knew his ways around a make-up tool kit. Definitely more than my own skills anyways.

Halfway to us, Naruto allows Issei to go free while he makes his way to me (or more specifically, his ramen). Issei aimlessly walks around for a bit before Matsuri sits him next to her. She gives him a warm cup of tea to drink and begins to make small talk with him. Issei didn't respond much or show any signs of hearing her at all. He just dully raises his cup to his mouth every few seconds.

"So, what kind of contract is Issei going to make with this world's Koneko?"

Naruto grabs a bowl of ramen and plops down next to me to talk. I move my eyes from Issei to the blonde. Sitting next to him, I smell the faint scent of sweat and smoke. Did he run through a burning building on the way here?

"...Don't know."

To his question, I shrug indifferently to show that I had nothing in mind. Like Issei earlier, Naruto makes an "ehhh?" sound when I said the truth. I glare at him.

What, did he think I'd have a plan ready without thinking about it? I only want to ask a few questions, at most, to my alternate. Heck, I'm happy if only the important one I really want to ask is answered. Forethought didn't go through when I impulsively wanted to meet my alternate self a few hours ago.

"Well, we better start brainstorming then. Naruto-san, why don't you start us off?"

I turn to Dert. He walks over to us and takes a seat in front of me and Naruto. He sets his pot of coffee and coffee cup on his lap to pull out a pen and notebook from his suit's pocket.

"... "I wish to be stronger" is the only one I can think of."

"Really? I would have thought something on the line of, "please get me a date.""

"Amsuing but no. I'm not out to torture Issei and I'm still miffed that we never finished our quest to becoming the girliest girls."

"I don't see how becoming stronger correlates to anything like that."

"You'll only understand once you see Mil-tan."

Wandering off into their own conversation, Naruto and Dert discusses what Issei should wish for when he contracts my alternate. I glance over to the brunette to see that he's regained some semblance of being alive as he's ranting about the injustice that Naruto and I are putting him through. I silently move over to his side and listen in.

After a minute of hearing his tirade, I push myself into the one-sided conversation by stating that I need to teach him how to make a contract. His reactionary jump is both comical and delightfully funny. I curse Naruto and, to an extent, Akeno. Surely, this is their fault that I'm like this.

On a side note, the second bowl of ramen is notably delicious. I hope that Naruto got the recipe.

* * *

-Oppai Loving High School Boy's Second Bowl of Ramen-

I look at the mirror and marvel at the image that's reflected on it. There's a girl in the reflection who has the likeness of a wallflower. She has large, brown eyes being covered with a thick pair of glasses. Her fringes are long, covering almost all of her forehead and some of her eyebrows. The rest of her hair, an unruly mess sticking out every way possible, is long and partially tidied because it's in a lengthy braid. She has a modest chest, is wearing a thick, pink sweater and has a faraway gaze to her eyes.

In the mirror reflects the image of Ryuudou Seiko; me. I shudder, watching the girl in the mirror do the same. Her shoulders tremble and her lips pout. This is a strangely surreal sight. I've never actually seen what my crossdressing form looked like before so now that I'm having a good eyeful, I can't bring myself to hate it.

Sure, I very much hate the person who forced me into this get-up, Naruto. The get-up itself, however, is a different story. It's one thing to see Naruto dress up and completely personify himself as a girl. He does it so often that it's become a regular thing. It's another thing altogether when I do it. Not intending to complement Naruto's handiwork nor fuel my narcissism, I have to admit that the Ryuudou Seiko disguise looks good; so much so that I can't bring myself to hate it.

I sigh aloud, raise up my glasses up to my forehead, turn on the communal bathroom's sink and splash some water on my face. After three sloshes, I turn off the sink and wipe away the remaining stray droplets of water. I pull down my glasses to look at the mirror again. Ryuudou Seiko looks back with a melancholic expression that well defines how I feel.

"Target K2 has entered the shop's interior. Please start your approach in one minute, Issei-kun. If anything about the mission goes awry, do not hesitate to call for our help. I will be nearby."

Coming from nowhere, Matsuri's disembodied voice enters my ears. I hear her clearly, as if she was standing next to me. There was no echo, reverberation or ring to it as would be normal if I were to wear a headphone. I poke at my glasses' rim, the source of the voice, and marvel. It's one of the things that Dert gave me for the mission; an all utility pair of glasses. Is there anything that this man doesn't have?

"Yeah, got it."

I tap an indentation in the glasses and whisper back an answer to the silver-haired girl. In the left glass piece, a transparent timer pops up, counting down from sixty seconds. I take a step towards the bathroom door and linger there, waiting for the time to go down so I can exit.

"The Mission" as everyone in the group is calling it, is a convoluted plan made mostly by Naruto and Dert with inklings of adjustments from Matsuri, Koneko and I. The first and only proper step in the plan is for me to go up to this world's Koneko and ask her to make a contract with me, simple as that. Afterwards is very much loosely based on our response interaction. Naruto, Koneko and Dert are concealing themselves somewhere, eavesdropping on my glasses' radio channel and are ready to drop me appropriate replies at any point in time. Matsuri is in the background, keeping a watchful eye on me in case I get over my head.

The wish that we've decided on making is, "please help me get my senpai to notice me". Cliche, well used and the epitome of all high school girls' love trouble, the glorious, "Notice me senpai" wish appears in another world as my mission. According to Naruto, girls talk most when they talk of love so taking that idea, Dert went nuts with it.

While everyone was spending an hour to flesh out the mission, Dert did quick visits to certain government offices to do something else. By the time we were done, the middle aged, coffee addicted man managed to build an embellished history for the non-existent girl me. He made Ryuudou Seiko a legitimate citizen of Japan and, more importantly, an actual person who exists in this world as far as paperwork history is concerned.

Ryuudou Seiko: sixteen, student of Kuoh Academy high school's division, only child in a family of three including her single dad and a brother, maiden in love, 20/30 vision, 5'8 height, hobbies of reading novels and studying, introvert, honor student, wants to be a romance writer in the future, has won a handful of competitions from multiple writing programs.

These are some of the nonsense that Dert threw together in the making of my background. I honestly want to say that he's overdoing it but the fact that he also bought a house earlier to fill out the living registries speaks for itself. To a lesser extent, he and Naruto also now have identities as my "relatives" as well, but, according to him, it's less fleshed out.

Dert, please do something actually productive with your riches, please.

The glasses' timer runs down to zero and it vibrates for a second to inform me. I take a deep breath, open the door and walk out. A small map replaces the timer on my glasses. There's a red x mark on the map, the location of this world's Koneko.

The shop that I am in isn't small and the space between us is not exactly short either but, I have no trouble seeing my target. Though she's short, her white head of hair is noticeable just about anywhere she goes. Nervously, I walk up to her. My heart thumps in my chest and my palms slightly dampens.

Getting closer and closer, I see that this Koneko is honestly too much like my Koneko. I give a quick prayer to anyone listening, to pray that this Koneko doesn't have the uncanny sense to spot out Naruto's prank. God help me if she does, I'll be outed as a guy in public and that's something I don't think my pride can take; especially not after that hospital accident with Naruto the last time I dressed up.

When I got into talking distance with this world's Koneko, my eyes spot Matsuri walking by. She seems to be indifferently looking at an item on sale. Her eyes flicker towards mine, calmly reassuring me, before she moves on. I gulp and open my mouth.

"E-excuse me, miss, can I ask you something?"

Though I didn't disguise my voice, a feminine tone speaks the words I intoned; as Dert had advertised to be one of the glasses' many functions. A good sign seeing as my dignity as a man is riding on this.

This world's Koneko turns to me. Her eyebrow is arched upwards in a questioning manner. I inwardly gulp. I had spied on her previously with my Koneko but being up close to her is giving me a strange sense of anxiousness in my stomach.

"Are y-you apart of the Occult Research Club?"

Naruto's voice is soothingly telling me what to say in the background but in my nervousness, I only heard half of what was said. The amount processed was even lower. What I did manage to get though, is that I should show her the contract paper. I fidget my hand in my skirt's right pocket and flourish the crumbled piece of paper to her. Eyes widening fractionally in understanding, she nods to my question.

"...I am. Do you need something?"

"Y-yes, a wish."

I bob my head when she returns my question with a question in reply. In my ears, I hear both Naruto and Dert chanting the wish. They seem to have realize that I can't process complicated instructions with my current level of nervousness. It would be infinitely more helpful, though, if they were chanting the same thing. I take a minute to think over the the two's wishes and combine them to make it sound better. This Koneko looks at me strangely before looking around. She nods to herself after a moment before walking away.

"Follow."

She looks me in my eyes and gestures for me to follow her. I scuttle along after the girl. Taking a deep breath and sighing aloud, I thank whoever was listening for the fact that this Koneko didn't notice my crossdressing. I inwardly pray that it keeps up.

* * *

AN

Idiot #1: Welcome to another chapter of "The strange relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef"~!

Idiot #2: Not much to say this time either... sorry that the chapter is a bit shorter than usual?

Idiot #3: It's only a thousand words short of ten thousand so meh.

Idiot #1: Here's a summary of this chapter.

*Warning, spoilers... maybe? Skip to end spoiler if you don't want to read it*

Chapter 10) Issei and Koneko begins to stalk their alternate selves to find out more about them. Issei gains a hatred for his. Koneko is neutral to hers. Koneko seems to want to ask her alternate something unspecified but can't because of her situation. Naruto, Matsuri and Dert finishes with their personal jaunts and decides to help Koneko. They use an obviously flawed and questionable method to do so; to ask the alternate Koneko Koneko's question through a crossdressing proxy and by disguising the question as a contract request. (still set in July. Geez we need to move on to August already.)

*End of spoiler*

Idiot #2: Yeah... that's about it.

Idiot #3: So, we good?

Idiot #1: I think so, yeah.

Idiot #2: Alright then.

Idiot #3: Wait, we forgot something!

Idiot #1 and #2: What?

Idiot #3: We've now officially written a hundred thousand words for this! Isn't that awesome?

Idiot #1 and #2: Meh. Not really, no.

Idiot #3: Oh, okay... I also wrote a proper summary for this.

Idiot #2: OH SHIZ!

Idiot #1: Seriously?!

Idiot #1 and #2: #3 MVP! MVP! MVP!

Idiot 1, 2 and 3: Thanks for reading. Favorites, flame and review. We accept it all~!


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